Dauntless-ly Free
by Acromania
Summary: They were marred from life and going to another Faction was their way out. Struggling with the past, present and future, with finding themselves and each other and a danger lurking behind closed doors, they have to grow up even faster. slightly AU; Eventually Eric/Tris
1. Prologue

_(Updated: 27.02.2014)_

_A/N: Just a spin-off. Enjoy._

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**Prologue**

As I look out of my window I see the same image I saw for the last 17 years. Grey houses, grey people, grey faces. Everything is grey, even the sun that spreads its last warmth through my window on my plain face. I don't feel the warmth or anything for that matter.

I still can remember a time when that was different. When the world was a rich colored adventure through my naiv shining eyes. I was five when I left the compound of Abnegation with my mother and brother. We were on our way to help with cleaning an abandoned building for the factionless. The last three months the Factions had tried to make amendmants for the Factionless understanding that they were still their brothers and sisters. So the leaders planned to reconstruct different buildings, opening shelters and integrating kitchens so the Abnegation could easily cook and bake for the people that hadn't anything left.

It was early morning when we approached the newly finished building not to far from our own home. Father was fullfilling his duty in the consul not that I could grasp the concept of that being only just a child. I can still smell the greenish-brown gras wet from the last rain and the wind that carried the first hints of frost. I skipped in front of my brother his eyebrows crunched up in his nine year old face.

"Beatrice!" my mother called not stern, not scolding but with a hint of disapproval. I slowed my steps but could still feel a fire in my stomach and the hot pressure in my limps to run and to laugh and to be alive. But I tried to stay calm, tried to forget myself just as I was told since taking my first steps in this world. It was a lesson I never understood and I envied my brother for being this in control even though he was just four years older.

Other people in grey clothes just like us passed by greeted with a warm smile and a distant nod typical Abnegation. Mother and my brother reciprocated. I wasn't a shy child in any possible meaning of the word. So I waved at the people that visited our home, laughed at them. My brother took my hand as we approached the street leading me so I wouldn't fall down. I loved when he did that. His big warm hand taking my small one. It meant safety.

We reached the building and mother gave us simple task: Clean the windows, floors, tabletops and so on. Small tasks that would netherless help the Factionless. My brother had to carry a few pieces of furniture that the other Factions gave us. He was big for his age, I guess. Muscular for being Abnegation.

I got lost in my small tasks, playfully fullfilling them, humming to myself. It wasn't long before I finished and went looking for my mother. She said she would be downstairs whereever that was. I skipped down the corridor and wanted to take the stairs as I heard something that picked my interest. As stealthy as I could with my five year old coordination of my limbs I went forward till I could make out where the voices came from.

"Max, what are you doing here?" That was my mother. Her voice I would recognize everywhere.

"I oversee the reconstruction so you are save while refurnishing the apartment building.", the man Max said with a rumble in his voice. There was a short silence.

"And ..." he wanted to continue but mother interrupted him.

"What?" Her voice sounded sharp not at all herself. Whenever she spoke she had this soft but strong voice, so sure of herself and always patient to a fault.

"And I wanted to see you again. I missed you."

"Max, you know that we can't do that anymore. If he knows what I am doing with you, that I am unfaithful... you can't expect me to take that risk. Not with my children's and my own life on the line." She said and I could hear her voice quiver as if she would cry.

"Then run away with them. I would protect you, take care of you. I am in a position now that I could arrange some things for the three of you.", his voice sounded just like mine when I asked my mother if I could get one of the cookies she made for the Factionless – eager and pleading.

I tried to take a look around the corner to see the man and maybe understand what was going on. But before I could my brother placed a hand on my shoulder, a finger on his lips and tugging me away from mother and Max.

The sun disappeared behind the roofs and skyscraper in my line of few and I come back from my memory. I cannot remember how much later but eventually my mother disappeared. Father said that she died when she gave birth to my little brother or sister – I never found out. Brother and I were devastated. She was everything for us. And later on I found out how much more she was than just a beloved mother that would sneak cookies in our lunchbox.

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_Thanks for reading - review please._


	2. Chapter 1

_(Updated: 27.02.2015)_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing._

* * *

**Chapter 1**

It is 6 o'clock in the morning when I finish my routine of brushing my teeth and hair, finish preparing breakfast and getting myself ready for school. Nervousness has settled in my stomach the night before because today I would take my aptitude test. It would give me a hint which of the five factions I should choose. I hope with everything within me that I won't get Abnegation and I scoff at me for that. I never was cut out for Abnegation.

Abnegation, the faction of my birth, are the selfless. They believe in forgetting yourself, helping others and that that selflessness could have prevented the war that destroyed the world. Because my Faction is selfless we are responsible for the government because it is unlikely for us to let the power this function brings would get to our heads. Amity, the peaceful, think that being kind, respectful and caring for one another, living in swing with nature is the way out of a catastrophe. They live near and behind the fence, growing our food. Candor, the honest, never lie and thats the reason why they are responsible for the law. They tell the truth no matter what, even if it is considered rude or hurts someone. Dauntless are the brave, the soldiers protecting us, that believe in overcoming fear, and shouting for the weak. Lastly there is Erudite, the faction that believes in knowledge. Knowledge means understanding, understanding means overcoming differences and conflicts.

I hear heavy footsteps on the stairs, the creak indicating that father is halfway down. I straighten my back and dress and take the last bite of my bread.

"Good morning.", I greet respectfully, my voice soft, my head down. I take my own plate to the sink and place his breakfast in front of him.

"Morning, Beatrice. Are you nervous about today?" He seems to be in a good mood so I try to relax my shoulders a bit.

"No, father." I say honestly and grab my jacket from the back of my chair. As I put it on I see him nod. I know what is expected of me and though I made it my daily task to meet these expectations or surpass them I know exactly that I won't comply this time.

"I am on my way to school now. I will be back this afternoon." He grunts in reply and I close the door behind myself taking a silent deep breath. As I make my way to the busstop to wait for the vehicle that brings us into the center of the city I hear someone call my name shyly. I look back to the grey buildings to see a grey girl coming up to me, face a bit flushed from running I suppose.

"Good morning, Susan. How are you?", I say and look back down the road, trying to get the attention back to the girl that now stands next to me.

"Thank you, I am fine. And you?", she asks also trying to stay in role.

"Same." I say quietly and smile a bit. We stand in silence, the strap of our schoolbag clasped in our hands in front of us. I hear the loud noises that indicates the bus that will take us back to school. I let the younger children enter first and try to be respectful when I myself enter the bus. I prefer to stand so I am not annoyed when there aren't any seats left.

When we reach the school my legs hurt a bit because the road has never been fixed properly and the holes are still big enough to jolt the bus from one side to the other. I let the other kids out again before I step down and enter the school building that was my second home for the last ten years. I think I am going to miss the loud corridors, the other kids that are so different from us Abnegation, that show us what we could expect if we would transfer. I stand at a window before my classroom and watch the Dauntless dependents arrive via train, jumping from it, laughing. A boy playfully hugs a girl, two girls laugh hysterically and I smile my small smile happy for their freedom that maybe will be my freedom too.

* * *

The day passes quickly and not long before lunch we are called to a room where meetings like the one that will transpire in just a few minutes are held. I let the other people pass. People I more or less knew since I was 7. We all sit in our rows, our Faction colours orderly – Abnegation in the back because it is more important that the other kids get all the information they need then we do – our small act of selflessness – and Erudite in the front because every new knowledge is important, even the tiniest bit.

The person stepping up is one of my favorit teachers and though he is well liked by all of his students it takes a moment for all of us to calm down – especially the Dauntless dependents.

"Today your aptitute test takes place. And we as your teachers would like to say a few chosen words before you take it. You don't need to be afraid to take it. There is no way you could have prepared for it and there is no way anyone of you could fail. So just trust the person that admisters the test and keep calm. In hindside to organisation: the test for the Abnegation students will be performed from volunteers from other Factions so please go to either room 4 or 5 when you are being called. And last: Whatever the test says, don't forget you can always chose differently. Noone can order you to do anything: not your parents with their expectations, not the test." He throws us a look, a small smile on his face and I feel a weigh lift from my shoulders even if it was just a small one because I just got the permission to go against my father.

* * *

After our lunchbreak we wait in the cafeteria to hear our name being called for the aptitude test. I am not nervous because my Faction History teacher Mr. Raynolds said that the test isn't about knowing something but about something that we would find out maybe many years later when we are old enough because then we know who we are. And Mr. Meyers just underlined that statement with his speech before lunch. I would have liked to ask Mr. Raynolds a few questions because his explanation was more of a riddle then a real help but I didn't because curiosity is frownd upon coming from an Abnegation though not as much because we are still teens and haven't chosen our path yet.

* * *

I remember a night when I met my brother again. It was a short visit because we both knew "Factions before Blood" wasn't just a nice slogan for our constitution but something we had to live by. He was concerned for me and I for him. Everything changed after our mother's death and the future was grey.

"How are you doing?", he asked in his now deep voice, his eyes full of worry as he folded me in his arms. Though Abnegation we both needed the contact that just we could give each other. I breath in his scent, feel the safety that only he could give me and relax. My eyes burn because I just miss him being there with me. I miss his presence in the morning when he would help me whenever it was my turn to make breakfast even though he didn't have to. He would help me with homework in the afternoon and protect me in school, always keeping an eye on me. And he helped me to stay in my role as a daughter of Abnegation, forgetting myself, putting others first. Without him I was selfish.

"Good so far. How are you doing?", I ask him, breathing his scent again that was still the same but different. He was considered a man now, responsible for himself and maybe one day for his family.

"Everything is good. I am held busy with my role in the Faction, I have friends that are looking for my attention. But I worried a lot about you. I know I should have come sooner but I couldn't.." I interrupt him with a hand on his arm. I feel his muscle ripple underneath my palm and I am happy that he can put his natural muscular and strong build to good use. His hair is a bit longer now and his face more defined. And I feel a deep happiness to hear him talk about his social life.

"There is nothing to be sorry about." I say taking his big hand into mine and pulling him down with me to sit beneath the grass around us, the moon and the stars. Even though it is in the middle of the night and the lights of the city long switched off to reserve the energy I don't want anyone to see us and he doesn't as well.

"Beatrice..." I know he felt guilty for leaving me behind but seriously there was nothing he could do because he was four years older and staying in Abnegation was out of the question – for him and for me. I told him to follow the aptitude test, to think of himself when he had to chose his role in our society and promised him more then once that I would follow him if the test said I could or I would find the courage to do so anyways.

"No, I mean it. This isn't the Abnegation upbringing talking that is me, ok?" He smiled and nodded and we looked around us and smelled the grey night. I always felt safe in his company, I always felt at home and though I didn't want to destroy our peaceful and quite reunion I looked at him and asked:

"Do you think that we will be together again? My aptitude test is two years away but maybe..." I stopped myself and took a deep breath. I know I was hoping for something I couldn't control. He watched me for a while and I thought he wouldn't answer and that would have been ok because it was selfish of me to expect him to have an answer.

"I think we will." I looked at him, eyes wide and smiled. Maybe, I thought.

* * *

"Beatrice? We have to go.", a quiet voice next to me said a bit urgent. My cheeks warmed a bit and I apologized before following Susan to the 5 rooms in which the test would take place. I enter cautiously and glanced around the room just to look back at my shoes. Mirrors nearly everywhere. To forget yourself you don't look at your reflection because it would be self-indulgent. The only time we are allowed to is every three months. I find this sometimes hard, sometimes not so much. I know that when we grow older especially from kids to young adults we change a lot and everytime it is my turn to look I get eager and very curious. But every time I just find the same plain girl, same grey-blue eyes, though my hair is longer and I cut it to a reasonable length.

"Abnegation and mirrors", says a black-dressed woman slightly amused. I just shrug my shoulders not knowing if she wants an explanation or just wanted to say something as it often is the case with members from any other Faction then Abnegation.

"My name is Tori. Take a seat, Beatrice." I nod and fumble with the sleeves of my jacket, nervous now even just a bit and let my body sink onto the metal chair. The cool metal helps me calm down a bit and I try to relax my shoulders that hurt from tensing them too long too hard. I take a deep breath and study Tori for a moment. She is everything what I expect a full Dauntless member to be and I am envious for a moment as I see the bold neckline of her shirt exposing tattoos on her collarbone. I envy that she is strong and independet and free to do so. Not because I want to show of my cleavage or something like that but because she feels sure in her body and noone lectures her about the right way to dress and behave. It is suffocating sometimes.

Tori turns to me and begins to press little buttonlike sensors to my head. I don't say anything and wait for her to finish. When she turns back to the monitor my eyes are caught by a tattoo of a huge bird on her neck though I cannot explicitly say what kind of bird it is.

"What does your tattoo represent?" I ask boldly because the details of her body art fascinates me. She turns back to me, one eyebrow raised, an amused but not unfriendly glint in her dark eyes.

"Quiet curious for an Abnegation, aren't you?", she says and I think for a moment that she won't answer me.

"It represents my fear of darkness. It is actually an old symbol for the sun. I thought if I carry the sun with me everywhere I won't be afraid anymore and I overcame this fear with time. Now it reminds me of the strength I possess because I lost that fear." I nod and look back on my hands hidden in the grey arms of my dress.

"Drink this." She says handing me a blue liquid. I see that she doesn't want me to ask anymore questions so I just do as she says.

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_Thanks for reading - review please._


	3. Chapter 2

_(Updated: 27.02.2015)_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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**Chapter 2**

When I wake up I take a deep breath and find myself back in the room with Tori. She has her back turned to me and I try to get the room to stop spinning. I remember everything and nothing at the same time - a confusing feeling to say the last. I swing my legs to one side of the chair and wait for Tori to say something. She is still typing away and I stand up, my hands brushing the rough material of my jacket and dress.

"So, Beatrice. Who would have thought? Three aptitudes, the main one is quite surprising," Tori says, turning around now, her arms crossed in front of her chest. I watch her taking me in again, my plain features, my baggy clothes, the bun on my head that holds back my waist-length blonde hair and I ponder if maybe she can see something else than the Abnegation. I bite my lip nervously and Tori smiles half a smile.

"Dauntless," she says and the room is spinning again. Dauntless!

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On my way back home, there is still this nervous prickle in my arms and legs that I thought I lost when I turned 12. It makes me want to jump, run and let my energy take me to new heights. It makes me feel alive – something I thought I forgot four years ago. I try to look around myself, try to find the distraction that lets me forget myself at least until tomorrow. Tomorrow I can chose to be me. The apitute test just strengthened my resolve.

Susan sends me a strange look and I know I have to school my features into the stern look I normally carry. I do my best and when we reach the Abnegation complex, the line between her brows has nearly disappeared. Susan and her more or less boyfriend (a boyfriend isn't something you have in Abnegation) join me until we reach my house and I smile shyly as we say goodbye. I think I will miss them both – miss the silent companionship that means friendship in Abnegation.

I enter the house and take my things upstairs. I let myself breathe, really breathe for the first time and look back at the closed door of my brother's old room before entering my own. I have to get myself under control, have to pretend like the aptitude test didn't say I'm Dauntless – brave, loud, and free. At least for the next 24 hours. I can do that.

After hanging my jacket on the rack in the corridor, I start preparing food for my father. He will be quite hungry after his long day in the consul. Just as the water starts to boil I hear a knock at our door. For a moment I frown, I don't know who would be visiting at this time of the day. Maybe Susan wants to talk for a while or make plans for the future because she thinks, like everyone else, that I will stay. Drying my hands off with a simple towel I open the door.

"Hello Beatrice," says the woman in front of me. She is the wife of another consul member that works closely with my father. Sometimes, we spend supper at their house. I would go early to help prepare everything and we would talk about random things. When I volunteered to prepare some bags of clothes for the Factionless, she joined me and we would talk about her son that left Abnegation. She never sounded hurt or angry because she thinks that the children should chose what would be best for them. I smile at her and make a gesture to ask her in. She shakes her head no.

"I just wanted to bring something for you and your father because I thought it would be nice to celebrate your big day," she says, still smiling, and presses a package into my hands. I am silent for a moment, my eyes confused at the small bundle in my arms before looking up again.

"Thank you so much," I say. I find something special in the kindness that Abnegation displays. Its a different kindness than the Amity portray. Amity wants peace no matter what – they bite their tongues and go as far as to pretend that everything is fine, even though something isn't. Abnegation is different in that way. We have our conflicts and we talk about them selflessly. When we show kindness it is warm and heartfelt and true.

She smiles warmly, touches my arm for a short moment and leaves. The gesture confuses me. Abnegation don't touch, but then I think that maybe she wanted to encourage me, like she did for her son when he felt the pressure of choosing himself or fulfilling his parents expectations. I sit the bundle down on the desk and open it. Inside are cookies. The ones my mother always made and I feel my eyes burn for a moment because happiness and hurt make my heart clench. Before the tears can slip I turn around and continue making supper.

* * *

My father is home late, again, but I'm not concerned about it. As long as he isn't home, I can feel a sense of peace even though this house isn't a home. Not really. When I hear the front door open my shoulders cramp up and the old pain comes back.

"Good evening, father," I greet him, and I take his bag from him before hanging his coat on the rack.

"Evening. Is supper ready?" he asks, his voice gruff and I nod my head, serving him beans, chicken and slices of bread. While he eats I start cleaning the tabletops and utensils I used when cooking. I hope he won't ask about the aptitude test.

As soon as I finish my task at hand, I turn around and ask if he wants any more. He shakes his head and I take his cutlery and plate to the sink. Before starting to clean them I give him the cookies we got.

The warm water relaxes me as I clean everything. For a short moment, I let my shoulders sink a bit, sighing inaudibly.

"What is that?" he asks and stands next to me. I nearly flinch. My guard was down.

"We got them as a celebration present from one of our neighbors," I say quietly and hope that he lets it go. I start drying the plates and wait for him to say something, my back rigid again. I don't know what to expect, but I hope he just accepts it as a kind gesture instead of something else.

"Don't you think it would be selfish to eat them ourselves," he says and I know it's not a question. I bite the insight of my cheek, try to stay calm, but my hands shake a bit.

"Beatrice, I asked you something," he says, his voice getting quieter. Quieter isn't good. I nod, my eyes fixed on the plate in my hands. I know, now, what to expect, I know what that means. I know it and I'm used to it. But, I can't stop the terror that infuses every fiber of my being.

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_Thanks for reading - review please._


	4. Chapter 3

_(Updated: 27.02.2015)_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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**Chapter 3**

At 7 o'clock the next morning I take a last look around my room. The table I did my homework at, the simple dresser filled with three dresses and simple underwear, the bed wide enough for a not full-grown human. I look at the grey and I am sure I won't miss it. I let my fingers glide along the edges of my furniture, the small signs of year long use etched in their surfaces. I look underneath my table and find a small quote my brother wrote shortly before his Choosing Day.

_Our path may change as life goes along, but the bond between us remains ever strong. I miss you SISTER. *_

The tear running down my cheek will just be the beginning and I just brush it away concentrating on normal breaths. I will see him again, I swear to myself just as I did all these years since he is gone.

Before I leave my small world I open my dresser for the last time, fishing in the pocket of an old dress that is far too small. I should have given it to the factionless but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was the last dress my mother and I picked up together. Fortunatly father never took the time to control my dresser.

In the pocket I find a picture of my mother, my brother and I. My brother's back is half turned to the camera and my mother holds me up so I can reach a spiderweb. She has a smile on her face, encouraging me to clean it all up and to not be afraid that the spider would eat me. I see my five year old self with a concentrated face. I don't think mother knew that there is a picture of us – probably the only picture at all because it would be self-indulgent to take family photos. It was a picture taken in a moment where we were focused on our work to forget ourselves. The picture along with an article was published in a newsletter from Erudite. They wrote a story five years after this foto took place about the progress we made, evaluating the housings for the Factionless and the work Abnegation did. I found the newsletter in my school and I took the photography with me. I won't leave without taking it with me again. There is nothing left now.

I take small steps, closing the door with a soft click and my eyes are stuck on the door to my brother's room. I miss him so much that my heart sometimes feels like being cut into two pieces. He couldn't come again after his first visit, couldn't leave messages anymore and I was afraid that I won't seem him again. That maybe even something happened to him. I try to shake my head to chase away these thoughts, try to relax my hands that are clasped together hard enough that my knuckles turn white. I take a cautious step forward and open his door. It is as grey as mine, his things long gone because as Abnegation we give and don't keep. Not even for emotional reasons because that would be selfish. And I was selfish for taking and keeping the dress and the picture.

"Beatrice.", I hear my father's voice from downstairs and quickly close the door. He finished his breakfast and I leave the grey behind, going downstairs to clean everything up before we both exit the grey house in the grey street with the grey people.

* * *

We take the bus to the community center where the Choosing of our new Faction, the start of our future will take place. The bus is filled with people dressed in grey. I am glad that we have two vehicles for events like this to transport all of us to the Hub.

As we approach the center my stomach is in knots and my arms and legs prickle. My hands are slightly sweaty and I try to dry them off on my dress. We take the stairs Abnegation style so the other Factions can take the elevators. We have to climb up to the 14th floor where the Choosing will take place. My father holds open the door for everyone to pass through, a warm smile on his face like a good Abnegation. My legs are slightly heavy but I am not out of breath. I stay with him, looking out for anyone that needs help maybe. I see a small girl at the hand of a woman that has to look around to find her husband. I see her stumble and nearly fall but I catch her at the right moment, bind her shoelace into a neat bow and smile at her. The woman is greatful and I feel this warm kindness inside of me.

When the last person has passed the door, father and I take our places in the section for the Abnegation. Dauntless is opposite to us and I can take quick glances at them, at their carefree attitude, their open show of affection and I feel a tingling inside of me that tells me that it will be right to go there.

After everyone sits we hear a warm gong and the hall gets quiet.

"Welcome everyone to our Choosing Day.", a man says. He is at the end of his thirtys I suppose and dressed in black and white. Candor.

"Today is a special day for many of our children because today they chose their role in our society. This role will mean big changes, more responsibilities and a step to being an adult." Applause lets the man stop in his speech. He speaks with a really comforting voice, not to loud or stern. I think he is a good leader for Candor.

"Today we accept the decisions of our children, today we let them be free to be themselves. Today we lose a part of ourself and today we win a new part." Again applause and then he steps back a bit and another woman joins him a tablet in hand.

"Abbiand, Dominic" is the first to be called. I notice him from one of my classes. He was a big guy from Erudite. The Candor Leader Mr. Kang gives him the knife and steps back again. Dominic seems to think about his decision for a moment and then lets his blood drop into earth. He changes his Faction to Amity. Happy laughter fill the air and I smile shyly before I school my features again to become neutral. A moment later father looks at me and I know what he wants to say with his eyes. I feel my shoulders tense again and I try to concentrate on the ceremony but my whole being is filled with nervousness. I feel my fingernails cut into my palms and I try to relax them back or at least to hide them under my jacket. I decide to concentrate on my shoes as long as possible, try to be the Abnegation girl.

An elbow connects with my rips and I look up. A few eyes look in my direction and I know it is my turn to go down there and make my decision, choose myself. I go downstairs, feeling the eyes of father burning holes in my back and I think he knows that not everything is as he has planned a long time again. I think if he could he would come after me, tell me what to do but I won't. Not this time.

I take the knife, make a cut on my palm and without another thought just a feeling like a bubble exploded inside me I hear it sizzling on the coal.

Freedom.

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_Thanks for reading - review please._

_*Quote by Author Unknown_


	5. Chapter 4

_(Updated: 27.02.2015)_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

**Chapter 4**

I don't look back when the Dauntless and I – no, WE – start to exit the room and run down the stairs. The burning sensation on my back is enough for me to know that he hates my guts, that he loaths my whole existence, I don't need to see his eyes to know that. Eyes that always held power over me. But I ignore it, ignore him and everything I leave behind. Susan and her soon to be husband. Selflessness. Hurt. Sadness. I'll keep my mother and brother in my heart with all the memories of them, everything else I let go and the fresh air that awaits me as we exit the Hub lets my lungs fill like I take a breath for the first time in years and was suffocating without really noticing.

I feel the prickle again and a laugh bubbles to the surface. Its an emotion I couldn't ever describe with words. I run with them, the black mass around me the girl in grey Abnegation and I start to see colors before my eyes, the grey vanishing. I see the blue Erudite that hastily leave the street because they don't want to be overrun by the wild people in all black and I know that they frown because we are so loud and they can't understand the life that seems to fill us to the brim. I laugh a bit breathless because a few years back I couldn't understand it as well. But now I am here and my heart punches hard against my ribcage nearly painfully and I feel my blood pumping and I feel so alive I am a bit surprised I don't burst.

We climb the tracks to the train and though my hand with the cut is sending sharp pain up my arm and my legs feel a bit wobbly after the run and because I am not used to so much excersice I climb with them, feel the first strands of hair come loose from my bun but don't care and my lungs fill with air. When I reach the plattform I see the people around me have big smiles on their faces, some clapping on the backs of ours, some sending glances in my direction and the directions of the other transfers and I don't hide my red cheeks or my big smile.

I hear the rattling of the train and see a boy next to me in Candor black and white stand on his tiptoes before he tenses, making himself ready to jump. Some of the Dauntless are calling to one another, edging one another on to be the first to jump on and when the train rushes by next to me I also start to run and I want to be a part of their competition. I see some jump onto it and I have the feeling that I need to practice this because when I get a grip of the handle on the train I nearly fall back but clench my teeth and don't let go. Fortunantly a girl from Candor grasps my other hand and pulls me inside just before the plattform ends.

I smile my thanks and shake her hand shyly.

"Hey, I am Christina", she says and I see sweat on her brow just as I feel it on mine. Adrenalin is pumping through me and I suspect through Christina as well because her eyes are glistining with excitement and I think mine are, too. We are both a bit out of breath and the baggy grey dress is uncomfortably clinging to my back but I ignore it. The train rumbles on, the wind coming through the still open doors cooling my face, my red cheeks and making me sway a bit on my feet.

"Beatrice." I say and sit next to Christina so I won't fall over. My heart beats fast and I can feel the pulse in my fingertips. The overwhelming feeling is still there though I feel a bit exhausted. My smile is still there as well.

* * *

"Get ready to jump!", a woman shouts out approximiatly 25 minutes later and Christina and I stand up. I still have a hand on the wall of the train to make it easier to keep my balance on the swaying floor and take a glance outside of the moving train. What I see gives me a certain emotion – a mixture of fear, surprise and eagerness. Black figures jump out of the train in front of us onto a roof. I see some struggling to stay on their feet, some failing and landing on their faces but just laughing it off and waiting for us to jump too.

I look at Christina again, the black Candor girl, that is a head taller then me with a feminine figure and a very pretty face.

"Together?", she asks and I can hear that she is a bit breathless, her voice quivering a little. I take her hand, want to be bold and nod my head. Maybe if I take her hand I can lend her some of my bravery and some of the daring feeling I feel at the moment. There is a tingling sensation on the back of my neck and I rumb it away with my free hand. I can do this and Christina can as well.

"On the count of three.", I say and Christina nods with a fierce glance to the roof. She squeezes my hand and I hers, reassuring her that I won't let go and reassuring myself that all will go well. We are going to do this together.

"1, 2, 3...", I count calmly and we jump. In the seconds between standing in the fast traveling train and the landing on the roof I feel my stomach drop, but not in a negative way. We land hard, momentum taking us down to hands and knees, scraping our skin and a bit more pain then expected, but Christina is laughing hysterically for a moment and in that moment I know she will be perfect here. I smile in her direction and try to grasp the feeling of our small flight. I want to keep it in me and feed from it for the next time I need something to let me stand up for who I want to be.

We see the other initiates and Dauntless members go to the other side of the roof and while brushing off the small stones from my hands and knees we follow them. I don't know what we have to expect now, I can't find a door at a first look around and I am curious. I watch the other initiates, the Dauntless-born shoving each other with smiles on their faces. I feel my heart warm up because I am belonging here now, maybe I always have.

"Initiates! My name is Eric and I am one out of five Leaders of Dauntless the Faction you have chosen!" The man before us is muscular, really tall and awfully young for being a Leader. He has striking tattoos at his neck and microdermals above his right eyebrow. He is wearing a leather jacket without a collar. Black, tight pants emphasize his muscular tighs. His face is serious, grey cold eyes watching us as some of the other initiates still gather around. My gaze falls now and again to his neck, his tattoos fascinating me because they are so bold and stand out so much.

Growing up in Abnegation we never got tattoos or jewelery because it would be a sign of self-indulgence. And because of that upbringing I should feel something negative about his display of selfishness, about being so selfish in expressing oneselves but the only thing I feel is a sort of calm respect and I am deeply intrigued. It fits Eric. It fits him like the black woman next to him is even more pretty because her red hair and the septum underline her individuality, making her unique.

"Welcome to Dauntless headquarters. There is one way into the compound and if you don't dare to take that step you are no Dauntless." He looks behind him and I get the feeling that the way he was just talking about is there. His voice is like steel, cold and strong. His face speaks of annoyance and seriousness, as if he would love to be anywhere else then here. Christina says something about jumping again even though we just jumped off a not really slow train onto a roof. I am only listening half-heartedly. I am captivated by the way Eric holds himself – arrogant, self-assured and distant – but there seems to be something else as well. I frown a bit at myself and shake my head.

His grey eyes are dark as he lets them travel along the faces of Dauntless-born and transfers as if he is weighing us with that one glance and telling us that we aren't good enough for anything. His gaze is challenging and I am up to it – I feel daring.

"Is there something down there? Water?", asks a handsome boy from Erudite with brown, straight hair, an open face and green eyes.

"Well, that is for you to discover." Eric smirks and it looks cruel. He bares his teeth in an animalistic sort of way, like a dog ready to attack, going straight for the cervical artery. "Or not." His voice sounds so nonchalant as if not jumping wouldn't mean becoming Factionless, becoming an outcast and I feel bile rise in my throath because there is nothing nonchalant about this scenario. It is deeply frightening and disturbing – better dead then living as a Factionless.

I take in his stance and his display of superiority and ignorance of the feelings of others. His behavior repulses me deeply for a second because he reminds me of father when he talked to my brother and me – as if bothered by our existence. Though when I look into Eric's eyes I don't see the same malice and hate, just annoyance.

"Dauntless-born have the priviledge to jump first, if they want. So, who is up to it?" He rubs his hands, almost giddily I think wasn't that a motion so totally out of his character and not in the least associable to him. His hands are big with clean short cut nails, his knuckles slightly red and a few of them have fresh scratches on them. They are hands good for heavy labour like loading and unloading the apple crates from the trucks of Amity but the owner of these limbs doesn't seem to be very peaceful or kind for that matter. I look up from them and back to his face.

Eric is still waiting for someone to step up. Some of the other kids around me look anywhere but Eric not wanting to meet his challenging gaze and I can understand that. The pressure is thick in the air and lets the hair at the back of my neck stand up. Unclenching and clenching my hands I take a short step forward.

"Me", I say and Christina looks at me taken aback and a bit surprised. It makes me angry for a moment but the next second I think that were the roles reversed I would probably look the same. Who would expect an Abnegation to jump first into the unknown.

I take a few steps forward and Eric looks at me now as well, takes in my grey attire, plain face and an amused glint appears in his cold eyes. He mockingly points to the ledge, like inviting me to dance with the danger and I take a deep breath not letting his attitude get to me. I lift my chin and without a second thought climb up, leaving my jacket behind me on the roof. The next step of shadding the girl I was for the person I hope to become.

"Yeah, Stiff. Let loose...", a boy whisper-shouts and I hear other people snicker, my cheeks get warm. There is a spark of feriocity in me because of his comment but I let it slip - it wouldn't be worth any comment or action. This moment is about me. Not about the boy's comment, Christina's surprised glance or Eric's mocking gesture. I try to concentrate on the hole in the ground, try to concentrate on not thinking and maybe getting a glimpse of the things awaiting me beyond the darkness.

I take a deep breath and jump. I don't think I scream, I just gasp for a moment because there it is again. The feeling I associate with flying. Again I embrace it, the feeling between standing on the ledge and laying in the net I find is beneath the roof with the hole. I laugh breathlessly because I just jumped off a roof without a second thought and because the knots in my stomach disappear – I was silly to feel afraid. I feel a jolt, two hands around my waist helping me out of the net. When I feel my feet are securly on the floor I look up and smile nervously. The man before me smiles too. He is tall with light brown skin, honest brown eyes and dark hair.

"Did someone push you?", he asks and his right eyebrow raises a bit. I know my cheeks are red, there is this hotness on my neck and I try to keep myself neutral and from feeling insulted. I just shake my head to answer his question, my legs and arms prickle, my heart pumping hard under the influence of adrenalin and exhiliration.

"Name?", he asks, his voice without the edge Eric's has and I feel relieved. I don't need too long to give him an answer.

"Tris."

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	6. Chapter 5

_(Updated: 27.02.2015) - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

**Chapter 5**

"A Stiff jumping first." A woman next to us says and her voice sounds flabbergasted, surprised and just for a second – I could have been imagined it – I hear respect in it too. "Make the announcement."

"First jumper: TRIS!" he yells, startling me a bit with the sudden loud noise and there is an amused glint in his eyes.

"My name is Amar", he says, his hand touching my shoulder in a reassuring gesture before dropping it back to his side. "Welcome to Dauntless."

I feel a hand on my back that guides me away from the platform and away from Amar. I wait with a few Dauntless, some of them clapping me on the back, congratulating me for being the first to jump. Christina joins soon later and we both smile at each other feeling like we accomplished something quite big. We are gathered together, a mass of mostly black with specks of other colors from the different Factions in between.

"My name is Lauren!" shouts the women from before. She is pretty with her dark brown hair, dark eyes with a little too much make-up around them and the piercings in her brow.

"Dauntless-born, you come with me. Transfers, you go with Amar. Move!" As we stay behind, the black mass of the Dauntless members that wanted to watch dissipating and wait for the other initiates to disappear. I look around myself. We are nine now. Five Candor, three Erudite and one Abnegation.

"Initiates, my name is Amar and I will be your instructor for initiation. Follow me." And without a glance back he turns and starts to walk in the opposite direction that Lauren went.

We move through halls without much light, stumbling into each other, staying quiet. It smells like chalk and dust and coldness if coldness even has a scent. In front of us the tunnel opens into a wide field where many people seem to socialize standing together in groups laughing, dancing and talking.

"This is the Pit. It's the center of life as a Dauntless.", Amar says and we all look around, Christina pointing to stores and I am transfixed by the people making music, the beat happy and strong and wild. I hear them laugh and yell and I can't supress the smile. This is perfect and my heart flutters in anticipation.

"There", Amar points to a double door to our right, the wood a dark red, "is the cafeteria. We will go to your dorm now and after you are dressed in your new clothes I expect you to be here again."

Another tunnel that is too dark to really see something with an uneven ground. As the sounds from the Pit slowly get quieter with each step we take I feel my stomach sink, already yearning to go back there to listen and smell and feel alive. Amar shows us the way to the training rooms but I can't exactly recall it as we enter a dimly lit hall with 10 beds, five along every wall. It's cold and it seems Dauntless puts comfort not really up on their lists of priorities. Or maybe because we are just initiates, transfers at that they won't allow us to get comfortable. I think it is the latter of the two. It doesn't bother me, I had to deal with worse back in Abnegation.

Amar goes through the room and shows us the washroom. The light flickers a bit, the once white tiling is stained yellow at the seams from rust and dirt. The toilets and the showers have doors with a locket on them and I sigh out of relief.

"Who is going to sleep here?" a big guy with friendly eyes asks as we go back into our new home for initiation. Everyone else seems to understand that we will stay together here and settles in the cots. I take a bed in a corner, Christina next to me. The Candor boy that taunted me on the roof sleeps opposite to me. He looks up and throws me a poisonous glare. I am slightly confused. I know I didn't interacted with him or even took notice of him before I watched him at the tracks after leaving the Choosing Ceremony. Amar clears his throat and we look up at him.

"To put down some ground rules and give you the information you need: The clothes Dauntless provides you are under your bed in a box with a locket. Tomorrow first thing in the morning you get your combat boots. Lights out is around 11 pm and you aren't allowed to sleep anywhere else while initiation lasts. And lastly, if I even hear the slightest rumor about sexual assaults or anything of that matter I will kill the culprit myself." There isn't any doubt in my mind that he will and I am glad that he put it like that. I am not afraid of something like that happening to me, but the next weeks will be arduous and I know what that can do to any human mind.

When there aren't any more questions he leaves us to change into Dauntless Black. I try to make this as comfortable for me as possible, pulling on the pants first, draping my dress around me to hide at least my upper thighs. The Candor boy whispers presumably insulting remarks to his friend – another Candor – and I try to ignore him. Christina isn't uncomfortable to change in front of everyone and is ready to go after a few short minutes. She looks so much older now, I realise as I look at her. She seems to notice my discomfort, comes up to me and holds my sheet out before me so I can change my shirt. I suppress my groan when I see that it is a simple black tank top exposing too much skin especially at the back of my neck and my back. I take another look into the box beneath my bed and find a simple black long-sleeved shirt throwing it on as well. I need to roll up the legs of my pants at least two times pushing the sleeves of my shirt up to my elbows. I smile gratefully at Christina when I am finished and grab the grey that was my second skin for the last 16 years.

* * *

We burn our clothes with hot fire that is painting the faces of the other initiates and walls around it in warm hues of orange and dancing shadows. When it's my turn to step up I stay there longer than needed, the heat making my cheeks turn red. The smell of burning cotton and a bit chemistry rises into my nose making it itch but I don't move away because this is freeing to watch. The grey burning away, the flames licking at the fabric turning the grey into black and then grey again as nothing remains but ash and black smoke. I get the feeling that the fire consumes the last part that was the Abnegation girl in me as well. I step back, my cheeks and neck hot to the touch, but I never felt more relaxed, my shoulders don't hurt as much anymore.

* * *

As we enter the cafeteria it is loud, the air filled with chatter, the clattering of trays on metal tables and laughs. Though it is pure chaos it feels more like home then Abnegation ever did. We look around for somewhere to sit and find two boys from our group of transfers sitting with Amar. Christina and I nod in greeting and sit down. I take a look at the food in front of me and quizzically stab the foreign meat with my fork.

"It's a hamburger pad. Put something from this on it.", Amar says and gives me a flask with something red in it. I nod in thanks and put the meat, the sauce and some salad I find on my tray together between two slices of bread. The first bite is heaven. I chew slowly, getting used to the explosion of spices on my tongue.

"You never had a hamburger before?" Christina asks and takes a bite from her food. I am not comfortable with the look she gives me but on the other hand I can understand her confusion. I just shrug and continue eating. Her reaction to my behavior is quite understandable, I guess, because growing up and living in Abnegation is completely different from all the other Factions. They live to spend their time on others, helping them, forgetting themselves, speaking only when necessary and always in soft voices. Christina grew up in Candor and I think she wouldn't understand even if I tried to describe it to her. Her parents probably supported her to say whatever was on her mind, building her own opinions, letting her make her own decisions as long as she spoke the truth. Of course that are just assumptions on my part and apart from the general knowledge that Candor cherishes truth over any other virtue I never learned how the parents of the kids from other Factions going to school with me raised them.

"Abnegation eat simple food. Vegetables, some chicken without any seasoning." Amar answers instead of me. I take a hidden look at him wondering if he was an Abnegation transfer as well.

"Now I know why you transferred." Christina smiles and elbows me playfully in the side.

"Yeah, I left because of the food." I say and I notice Amar chuckling next to me. Before I look back to my tray I see a shadow on Amar's right side. I glance up and meet Eric's grey eyes that are now lighter and not as annoyed as a few hours back. He seems relaxed or as relaxed as he can be I think. He exchanged his leather jacket for a tight west and I can see his forearms are adorned with mazelike tattoos his skin otherwise is a bit tanned but still fairly light. I take my eyes off of him, I don't want him to catch me staring at him and take the wrong conclusions. I eat the last remains of my hamburger making a mental note to control my curiosity better.

"Hello Amar. You want to introduce us?" he asks, a smirk present on his lips. Amar grumbles something but sighs and points at us.

"Will and Al. And these are Christina and Tris.", he says and Eric looks at us one after another before he sits down next to Amar his hands clasps in front of him on the table. I am not quite sure if they are friends or not. They seem familiar with each other and as soon as the introduction is finished they start to talk in as quiet voices as possible. I strain my ears to hear something but the noise around me makes it impossible to catch anything.

When I finished my first meal in my new Faction, I try to take all of it in – my transfer, the lightheaded feeling from all the vanishing stress and the anticipation I feel for becoming Dauntless and everything that that entails. I wait for the others to finish their meal as well, listening to their banter and glance around the room. There is so much color and life and my eyes have been starving.

My eyes stop at a sort of balcony. I see a man with dark skin and observant eyes. There are three other people with him as well. Two woman and one man. I notice that two of them have the exact same tattoos Eric has on his neck. All of them have an air around themselves too. The way they hold themselves – not unlike Eric's and when I make that connection in my head I know that these are the other four leaders. They are older than Eric, at least ten years and I ask myself how he became this important when he is still so young. There is a signal and suddenly everything gets quiet.

"Initiates!" The man with the observant eyes calls and everyone looks up to him.

"You chose Dauntless! We believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another! Make us proud in honoring these ideals!" There is cheering all around us, clapping and cups are being smashed against the tables. All of this including the laughs shrill and deep and exhilarating resonate in one intensive wall of sounds of belonging and being alive. We are hoisted up on some shoulders and Christina, Will and Al laugh and I know I have a big smile on my face as well though I am a bit uncomfortable with the hands on my thighs and the hard clasps on my back. But I ignore the rising panic and let myself get drowned in this overwhelming moment of perfection. This is Dauntless.

"Can we go, Tris?" Christina asks a while later, the celebration for the new initiates over or taken to the Pit, our cups empty and I nod. We stumble again through dimly lit hallways finding our dorm easily enough and getting ready for bed soon. Amar told us to be ready at 8 am and the day was pretty much to take in for all of us. My shoulders relax as I lay down in my cot, the sheet uncomfortably rough on my skin but because I grew up in Abnegation I had to live with much worse.

"Night, Tris." Christina yawns in the bed next to me and I smile.

"Night, Chris." I mumble, feeling free and drifting off to sleep with a happy nervousness in my body.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	7. Chapter 6

_(Updated: 27.02.2015) - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

**Chapter 6**

The Dauntless compound is really something else, I think as Chris, Will, Al and I go through the dark tunnel to the training room. There are many doors and some corridors don't have any light. You have to tread carefully or otherwise you could easily break your feet or leg in a hole you didn't see or scrape your skin on the rough edges at every wall and corner. We continue, Will having easily memorized where to go to get to the training room because in Erudite it was the only thing he did all day growing up (his words), stumbling now and then. I ask myself as my shoulder connects with Christina's if we will get used to it and someday walk these paths like the other Dauntless – proud and without faltering in our steps, laughing and shoving and being carefree.

And I imagine my brother and myself, both marred from our lives, with daring tattoos and black clothes that cling to our bodies as we shove each other playfully, he squeezing my hand and laughing about some remark I make as we are on our way to the Pit to celebrate something with our friends. I smile slightly, a surge of reassurance running through me because I can convince myself again that I was born to be Dauntless and that I could make it even though I am nervous, my shoulders hurt a bit because I am still tense from memories and experiences at home because I am always on my guard and I have no idea what to expect.

When we reach the door Al lets us pass through first. I take a deep breath and take the big hall in. The air smells of dust and steel and sweat and is stale. The light from the neon lamps, hanging low from the ceiling hurts in the eyes, flickers sometimes and doesn't reach the corners of the room. The ceiling is so high up that I can only see some holes in the dark tinted glass where rays of sunlight illuminate a small part, the rest stays in the darkness. The floor is cement grey and peppered with small puddles of water probably from when it rained a few days back. The steel beams throughout the room are covered more in rust than anything else and were presumably black a long time ago because the red brown rust is interrupted by small specks of black paint that is chipped. Chris pokes me in the ribs and I look to her questionably only to be made aware that the others are a few feet away further in the room. I nod and we approach them. Amar leans against one of the steel beams, his posture relaxed.

I see a big chalkboard behind him and for a second I feel like it is my first day of school again. Back then everyone else was taller than me, back then I was even more unsure of myself, back then I had no idea what lays in front of me and back then I was so nervous my stomach was in painful knots and I wasn't sure if I wouldn't puke in the next seconds. And it just feels the same now like back then. The only things different then that first day at the school was that everything was grey and the only happy memory was of my brother with his encouraging smile and a firm hand on my shoulder trying to communicate that he believes in me. I wish his hand could be on my shoulder now. I shake my head slightly to get rid of this old me that stuttered a bit, was timid and unsure. I am Dauntless now and with that thought in mind I take another step forward and look at the board.

Our chosen names are listed in alphabetical order and for a moment I am a bit confused what that would be about. I watch as Eric moves from behind the board his presence imposing and changing the atmosphere immediately – at least for me though the other initiates stand up straighter as well. It's strange that he has that effect on us. Besides being cold and cruel about the whole becoming Factionless speech he hadn't had a chance to establish this respect or even fear. I guess it's just his charisma that demands compliance. The bold tattoos on his neck and forearms, the microdermals on his forehead and the black tapers in his ears with his natural tall and broad frame add just up to that fact. He is a sight to behold and anyone would be intimidated by him.

I try not to watch him and fail because nothing is quite as interesting as he is at the moment. I guess Eric falls under the caption: different in my head and that's the reason why he even is interesting for me. He doesn't acknowledge anyone, crossing his arms in his signature stance and keeps track of the time displayed on an old clock on the wall. I wonder for a moment if this image he tries to display is just an act or his actual personality. If he is always so distanced, aloof and cold or if there are moments when he isn't so well guarded and you discover a different facette of him. But I shrug it off. As interesting as he is too look at, initiation is about to start and I concentrate on myself, making sure my mind is calm and I am relaxed enough.

The door opens with a squeak behind me and I know that everyone is on time because Eric's eyes don't darken but stay cold and light grey.

"Welcome to your first day of initiation!", he bellows and no one feels welcome at all – at least I think so because everyone shrinks back a bit.

"See that board?" he asks, "That is your fucking life as of right now. You will be supervised throughout your training and though you don't train with the Dauntless-born in stage one you will be in the competition with them and each other for the ten spots we have for new members this year." Ten spots? We are nine and the Dauntless-born are twelve... that means... I gulp.

"What does that mean ten spots? Why didn't we know that before coming here?" Christina asks her voice incredulous and I know she tries to keep her tongue in check because her hands on her forearms are clenched hard, the skin there being lighter in response to the pressure she puts on it. But her voice doesn't waver, her shoulders are square and she isn't afraid to stand her ground. A perfect Dauntless, I think.

"Why does it matter?" his voice is deadly calm and he takes a few steps towards Christina who is next to me. I bite my cheek and square my shoulders the same way Christina does. I won't back down. I won't appear to be intimidated. My eyes are fixed on his face. I think I wouldn't take him so serious if he had shouted his question or hissed, narrowing his eyes or letting them become the dark grey they seem to change into when he is agitated. He stops just a few feet away from us, using his body to make us step down, and his eyes trained on Christina. His voice is sharp like a knife when he speaks again.

"Would you have chosen differently? Out of fear? Because if that's the case then you should get out now because you don't fucking belong with Dauntless. If you are really one of us it shouldn't matter that you might fail." Christina's shoulders shake and I am not sure if it is because she is afraid or because she suppresses her rage. I glance at her face out of the corner of my eye. Her lips are pressed together so tightly they lost most of their natural color. I am not sure if she is about to cry or desperately tries to hold her tongue.

Eric stares her down ready to continue taunting her but before he can open his mouth I step forward, standing between him and Christina. His gaze flickers to me and for just a split second I see surprise and something else I can't place in his grey eyes. My eyes become hard and I try to express all my emotions through them. I let myself feel the agitation for the way he spoke to one of my new friends, the anger about his words from yesterday, about his uncaring, cold and arrogant way he treats us. I don't try to say anything – I think it would be in vain anyway because my voice would betray me.

He raises one eyebrow and I am not sure if he is mocking my defiance or impressed by my stupidity to openly challenge him. Eric smirks, his hands in the pockets of his black pants now and the whole picture of him is in huge contrast to his quiet outburst not a minute ago. He seems to be quite pleased with himself.

"As I said" he begins again, turning around, walking away and it seems nothing out of the ordinary has happened, "you will be ranked on the skill you display while the initiation lasts. There are three stages – one being the physical including how to fire guns, fight and throw knives, second the mental and third the emotional. At the end there are just ten people left and when I see you standing here I am quite sure that I don't have to see any of your stupid faces when these weeks are over ever again." He watches us, calculatingly and with superiority his last sentence before he nods to Amar to continue, "You chose Dauntless, now we have to choose you."

There is a heavy silence and the air presses down on my lunges. I take deep breaths, try to unclench my hands because my nails cut deep in my palms and I feel the wetness of small amounts of blood and sweat that burns in the small wounds on them. I raise my eyes back, see Eric looking at me and in my stubbornness I raise my chin in defiance again knowing I have this look in my eyes that made my father clench his jaw in anger. I know it isn't one of my smartest moments. And then he smirks again, scratching his chin with an unknown glint in his eyes. Amar clears his throat and I stop staring at Eric feeling the anger in my stomach for him acting that way and for me being effected.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	8. Chapter 7

_(Updated: 27.02.2015) - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

**Chapter 7**

"Today you will learn how to shoot a gun and win a fight." Amar says and lets his eyes travel over our faces. His voice is strong and a little cold. He picks up the guns from the table and gives everyone of us one. The gun is quite heavy. I am not sure where to put my hands the cold metal feels foreign there. A mixture of respect for the dangerous weapon I am holding and power because I will learn how to use it to defend people I care about surges through my body. The strange thing is I am not scared though maybe I should be. This weapon can end a life in just a second and this knowledge alone should evoke a feeling of nervousness within me. But I feel calm, relaxed even. I know that the gun doesn't define me or who I am or the decisions I make but I do.

A gun doesn't kill people, people kill people. When it comes down to it I know that maybe I have to kill someone with it to protect maybe myself or someone I am assigned to protect or have to protect because the loss of that someone would kill me. The thought of killing a human is surreal and I am not sure if I could do it – I guess there will always be a slight insecurity if I could do it if the situation rises. I correct myself then. Not 'if' but 'when'. I am Dauntless now, I will get through initiation and I don't live with the false hope that it won't be dangerous at times; that there is a possibility where I am confronted with making this decision. My thoughts are interrupted by the boy further back with dark eyes and black hair – Peter his name is, I think.

"What's", he yawns disrespectfully, "Got shooting a gun to do with bravery?" Before Amar can answer a gun is at Peter's head stopping him midyawn, his eyes widen in shock. I wasn't even aware anyone could move so quickly.

"Because, idiot, it will make sure that you don't soil your pants and cry for mum when the situation arises when you need to shoot." It's Eric and he doesn't look amused. He waits for a reaction, I am sure but the boy just watches with big, fearful eyes. I notice Eric's eyes are dark grey again – like the clouds before a storm.

"You have a loaded gun in your hand, use It.", Eric shouts, removing his gun and looking to Amar who nods with a smirk.

"As I said, pay attention, I will only show you once." He takes a gun himself and goes to the targets. He spreads his legs shoulder wide and closes one eye. I try to memorize everything about his stance, how he tenses his muscles in his arms and shoulders, how he concentrates on breathing. As he shoots the noise startles me a bit and I hope no one noticed it. When I look at Amar's target I see he shot the bull's eye. We watch on as he shoots two more times and every detail sticks in my head.

"Begin.", he says and we go to a target each. Christina is on my right side, Will on my left. I try to imitate Amar. Legs apart shoulder wide, tensing the muscles in my shoulder and arms, breathing regular. I feel eyes on my back but try to ignore the feeling. The trigger is harder to pull then I thought and before I shoot for the first time I memorize everything. I can start to concentrate again. When I finally shoot, I hear a 'Whoop' next to me. Christina smiles brightly at me and I notice that I shoot the second inner ring.

"Good one, Stiff." I hear a voice behind me, aware without looking who it is. My shoulders cramp up painfully. "But try to be more prepared for the rebound otherwise you will hurt yourself. And don't be so stiff, relax." He grabs my arms, his touch rough but not painful and moves them a bit, his calloused hands raw against my forearms. He lets his hand glide to my aching shoulder, touches them, his thumbs pressing into the muscles and I hiss softly hoping he hadn't heard the sound. I am too dumbfounded to react, too surprised by his actions.

"Eric?!" I hear Amar shout from the other end of the line and the presence behind me vanishes leaving my back exposed to a sudden coldness. I flush and stare at his retreating form, my teeth gritted together. Christina throws me a thoughtful glance before going back to shooting the gun.

* * *

When lunch rolls around everyone is pretty good at shooting the gun. I saw Eric help Edward – the other boy from Erudite – but he didn't invade his personal space like he did mine. Before running off Amar tells us to meet at 1 pm sharp for the next step.

As we enter the cafeteria it is pure chaos again and the life that pulses through the room makes my cheeks flush again. I am getting addicted to being alive. I look around, narrowing my eyes. Unfortunately I am too short to see enough, give up my search and follow my new friends to the food line. We pick something from everything and take a table in a corner.

"So, what do you think fighting will be like?" Will asks his Erudite curiosity showing. I just shrug and concentrate on the food in front of me.

"Hm, maybe we have to fight each other?" Christina grins and wiggles her eyebrows, seemingly looking forward to the thrill. I chuckle lightly. Al on the other hand seems to go pale.

"Oh, hopefully not. Hurting each other is so pointless." I fix my eyes on him and take him in. His big build would be his great advantage. His speed might be a problem though, as are his friendly eyes and soft features. Maybe he is too nice to fight?

"Backing down from a challenge is cowardice." I mumble and Christina nods next to me. Al wants to say something but Christina makes a point and interrupts him:

"What do you want to do after training?" she asks cheerful. I think for a moment and try to find a reason that lets me be alone for a while.

"Hm, I guess I will have to see after the fighting exercise. I am not quite sure how we will feel afterwards." I say and try to be vague. I took a quick liking to Christina and Will and Al are nice guys but I don't want to make the mistake to rely on them in any way possible. Trust is dangerous.

"I think I will go to the tattoo parlor." Christina says and takes the last gulp from her water. She looks to the boys: "You coming with me?"

"I am up to it!" Will says, cheekily smiling at Christina who blushes. I am not naive when it comes to flirtation. Though I grew up in the most conservative Faction I had enough time in school to see all the ways a boy charms a girl or a girl makes a boy look at her in that special kind of way. As Abnegation we are taught to direct our eyes to the outside, to take in everything around us to forget ourselves. So I being the good Abnegation girl just did that and observed people. The other Factions aren't very strict when it comes to interactions between males and females so I had a lot to look at, especially in the last two years when my classmates and I turned 14 and the opposite gender or even the same was so much more interesting than Faction History.

* * *

When we get back to the training room, Amar stands in another area then this morning. Next to each other are 10 orange punching bags. Behind them I see a podest with thin mats on the ground.

"Attention everyone!" Amar yells and we stop looking around and concentrate again. I feel a bit tired after the lunch, my limbs a bit heavy. I take a mental note to cut short on lunch if possible or to eat just something small and light. I don't want to throw up in the middle of training or fighting and I have to be wide awake for the things to come.

"You did well on the gun part. Now we continue to fighting. The purpose of this is to prepare you for the tasks you will have after becoming a Dauntless member. You have to be skilled in defensive and offensive tactics as it is our purpose to secure our community. To fight means to act and fighting against each other will prepare you to act when the time comes." I recognize that he said 'when' not 'if' and a mixture of an expectant eagerness and a bit of fright creeps under my skin.

Eric is watching us out of a corner of the punching bag section, his gaze calculating and when his eyes are on me I know what he is seeing. The weak stiff with arms like pencils, no muscle to see and too short to even reach his neck. I let my eyes flicker back to Amar but I feel Eric's eyes are still on me. I take a breath and challenge him with one look of my own. He counters with one of his half-smirks and I try in vain to not let it get to me. I make it a point to ignore him for the rest of training, gritting my teeth and pushing everything else out of my mind.

"I will show you a few techniques how to punch, block, kick and I will demonstrate them just once so pay attention or you will regret it tomorrow. Your body has to react to danger accordingly." Amar goes through some movements, his moves are powerful and precise even though I haven't seen any fights or techniques before to really compare it. Next he moves to the punching bag and shows us some other things we should practice. When he is finished I am filled with anticipation. Amar made it look like breathing, the movements graceful and natural.

I go up to a punching bag and try the first stance, knowing that my build isn't very practical for fighting. I am small and haven't a lot of muscles though my endurance is probably the best. I start in slow motion, trying to make sure that my stance is correct, that I inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth. I try to tense my midsection and use my elbows and knees at first slow to make them as precise as Amar's were.

"The Stiff seems a bit slow – but what do you expect from the Faction that has to forget itself." Peter says and I turn my head to him, feeling my cheeks flush. My neck is hot and my heart beats fast. I think I am not prepared for this kind of competition and that's the reason why it gets to me. I try to come up with a comeback and want to say something. Peter looks expectantly but I just huff and turn back. He isn't worth it, I tell myself and accelerate my punches and kicks. I try to find my own style while getting the ground techniques down without a fault. I know that I am not strong in the way everyone else is. But I have my small build and my speed. At least that is what I try to tell myself.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	9. Chapter 8

_(Updated: 27.02.2015) - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

**Chapter 8**

"Tris?" I am interrupted by Amar, a bit startled by the sudden invasion into my series of kicks and punches. My arms and legs ache but I push myself to continue, to go through the movements as precise and powerful as possible.

"Yeah?" I ask and am a bit breathless as I turn around. Both of his eyebrows are lifted and he stands with his arms crossed.

"What exactly are you doing there?" Amar looks a bit amused. If I had to guess I think he saw my spin kick. I noticed that even though I punched and kicked with all my strength the punching bag barely moved so I tried to find a way to put more force behind it coming up with a few changes for the techniques Amar showed us.

"Um, I tried to adapt your techniques to my advantage." I say and hope that he doesn't make a scene and I am in no trouble for it.

"Good work. Keep practicing." I am surprised but smile as he continues down the line. Christina is again next to me and smiles as well.

Thirty Minutes later Amar calls us together again. Eric isn't anywhere in sight.

"Tomorrow, 8 am sharp we meet again and start the fights. Get enough rest. Dismissed."

Chris and I sigh at the same moment and share a small laugh about it. After showering and getting another good meal we separate. The boys and Chris want to go to the tattoo parlor and I told them I wanted to go explore the Pit a bit – it's only half a lie. When I leave the cafeteria there are a lot of people around all split up in smaller or bigger groups being loud, drinking alcohol and talking. I smile to myself.

I take a tour around, finding shops for clothing and groceries, hair and make-up, piercings and everything that Dauntless seems to make Dauntless. When I reach the chasm I stay for a moment, watch the dark water crown with white foam run under me and let myself get hypnotized by it. It gives me Goosebumps – all this water, the loud noise it makes and I feel insignificant compared to its raw power.

The people passing me as I make my way up give me second looks and I ask myself why that would be. Maybe I look to normal, I think and take a bit of my hair into my hand. I always was a plain girl. My features hadn't anything special, my hair was a normal blond. My body hadn't developed any really womanly curves.

I follow some uneven steps up and look around. Under me is the Pit, dimly lit with loud noises. When I reach the end of the stairs and take another look there is a room across from me that picks my curiosity. I go to a half-open door and glance inside. The room is cold, the walls are build out of red bricks and graffiti is everywhere.

I don't know why but it gives me the creeps. I regard the art on the walls, trying to compare it with the art I have seen when we went to Amity to help with harvesting all sorts of things. It is rough around the edges and brutal, some drawings make me blush, and some hypnotize me with their wild beauty. After I took a turn around the room I leave it again and turn to my right to see an elevator. I am not quite sure if I am allowed to use it but I think I should at least try.

I randomly press the button for the 8th floor. Nobody else seems to need the elevator at the moment because it drives directly to my floor. When the doors open I take a tentative step outside just to collide with someone.

"What are you doing here?!" Oh no, I think. I take a step back and let my hair fall forward to hide my face a bit.

"I asked you something, Stiff." he says, arms crossed over his broad chest, one eyebrow raised, cold gaze fixed on me. I take a deep breath, square my shoulders, try to convince myself that I am not intimidated by his presence just startled because I ran into him. I know my cheeks are flushed because he called me Stiff. My mind replays the scene from earlier today – the way he treated Christina and the way he helped me – it's quite controversial. I take a deep breath through my nose and discover his scent. It is musky and masculine and lets something inside of me flutter for a second. When I finally answer him, my voice is steady, my eyes neutral and my cheeks not as pink anymore. I look him in the eyes.

"I am sorry. I wasn't aware that we aren't allowed to be here." I say calmly and his eyes are again dark grey, clouded with anger. I look to his right side and see a room full of monitors.

"Better leave or else I will make you regret ever coming here." I just nod surprised to be off the hook so easily. I turn around and go back into the elevator with steady steps, not too slow or too fast. I don't want to show him that he has an effect on me – I would hate to think he sees me as weak, anyone seeing me as weak for that matter. Against what others might believe or name as their reasons it isn't that he is taller than me or more experienced that sets me on edge around him. It's his eyes that let me shiver. Of course I cannot be sure but looking into them is like being in a middle of a storm or heavy thunder. His eyes bore into my back until the doors of the elevator close.

After my encounter I go back down to the Pit and to the Tattoo parlor. On my way there I meet Christina, Will and Al cheering and being teenagers.

"You decided to join us?" Chris asks and seems happy about that. I shrug with half a smile on my face.

"I wanted to see what you got." I say nonchalant.

"Oh, I got something on my shoulder." Will says and I get a bit closer to him to see what it is. He pulls off the bandage a bit. It is an intricate tribal design, black ink on his tanned skin and it looks really good. As I look closer I see a small scar. An idea springs into my mind.

"It looks really great.", I answer, giving him back his personal space and look at the Dauntless symbol Al got and the quite charming tattoo Christina has now on her arm.

"I think I want something as well." I tell them and they seem to be surprised by that simple statement.

"Sure, Tris. But we wanted to go explore the shops a bit, maybe find something more fitting to wear or some medicine what with the fights coming up. You don't mind going alone?" Christina asks and I am happy that they won't accompany me.

"Oh, that's fine. I guess it will take a while anyway." We say goodbye and I go into the parlor, loud music coming from high hanging speakers. I look around and find the woman that took my aptitude test next to a man that looks nearly identical except for his height.

"Hey Tori?" I ask and try not to interrupt their conversation. Tori looks up and takes me in.

"Oh, the girl from Abnegation? What was the name...? Beatrice?" she seems friendly enough and isn't annoyed.

"Yeah, it's Tris now. I was thinking maybe you could do me a favor?" I look from her to the man next to her. I don't want to talk about it in front of him. Letting Tori do her job will be hard enough as it is. She seems to see my glances and smiles reassuringly. I decide, I like Tori.

"Oh, don't mind the idiot here. That's just George my brother.", she says and I need to remind myself that I am in Dauntless and calling someone an 'idiot' could be an endearing nickname or an insult. The way she has her hand on his shoulder tells me it is the first.

"Hey, George." I say with a small smile and he nods his head smiling as well. Tori leads me into a room further back and sits me down on a couch taking a stool for herself.

"So, about this favor. What is it?" Tori asks and I start to explain.

When I leave the parlor my lower back is covered with a bandage and I have a huge smile on my face. Tori said she just needs one or two more meetings depending on how high my pain tolerance is and I mentally snorted at that. I am glad that she didn't ask anything and from what I could see in the mirror she is doing a great job.

As I reach the dorm there is no light on and I try to manoeuvre through the darkness. I hit my foot on my bed hissing softly in pain but other than that everything went smoothly. When my head connects with the pillow I don't need to wait long for sleep to overtake me.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	10. Chapter 9

_(Updated: 27.02.2015) - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

**Chapter 9**

The next day I am up at 6 am. My body arches as I sit up, but my mind is used to my Abnegation timetable, wide awake and ready for the day ahead. After I change into a fresh set of clothes protected by the darkness around me I take my boots and leave the dorm silently making my way down to the cafeteria to get some food into my protesting stomach.

I encounter just a few people as I travel the tunnels but they don't seem to even take notice of me, some of them too tired, some of them too focus on their own thoughts. When I enter the cafeteria there aren't many people present. I take some orange juice, salad and a cheese sandwich with me and sit at a table that is in a far corner.

Preparing breakfast was always a ritual for me back in Abnegation. It was one of two times a day I really was alone, could stop pretending and be myself. Now I don't have to pretend anymore but the simple task of cutting bread and vegetables and brewing the coffee for my father had something consoling. Maybe I need to find a new ritual.

My body is a bit sore from training yesterday. In Abnegation we never did something other than preparing food and cloth packages for the Factionless, going to school or helping the neighbors so I am not used to physical things like punching a bag.

I see Eric enter with another man. He looks in my direction, his eyes cold as ever. I meet them with my own. I won't back down, won't appear weak or intimidated. I know it is like playing with fire but I have to prove to myself that I am strong and that I can stand up for my own after so many years of hiding and suppressing myself. He frowns for a moment then concentrates on his companion not looking in my direction again.

When I have finished my breakfast I head to the training room and take a look at the other areas we haven't been to yet. There is a station with different weights to lift and a track that leads in a ring around the whole training hall. I start to jog around the room, getting blood to my muscles and warm up. The cold air burns in my lungs but I ignore it.

I decide to lift some weights afterwards, trying to build some muscle. Though I have no idea what I really have to do to not hurt myself I try to work it out while testing what feels right and what just hurts. I want to prove myself – I want to be Dauntless. I HAVE to be Dauntless otherwise I won't see my brother again. When I think about him needles pierce my heart and my eyes burn a bit. I hope I can find him soon, get a glimpse of him somewhere and can talk to him again. I am afraid that we are strangers now, that I wouldn't recognize him anymore.

I hear a door slam shut and exhale a shuddering breath, my heart speeding up. The person rounds the punching bags and I see it is Amar. I smile at him, my heartbeat relaxes a bit and he waves at me before coming to the lifting station.

"Morning, Tris. You are up early." he says, his eyes taking in my routine, his arms crossed over his chest.

"I couldn't sleep anymore and thought I could train a bit before the fights today." I reply, my breath labored because the weights take their toll.

"Good idea. You aren't very muscular and will have a hard time in competition with the others. But you are fast and with the right hits you can take down anyone really.", he replies and corrects my stance. I flinch a bit sending him an apologetic glance.

"Sorry, it's not you. I am just sore." I say hiding my face behind my long hair and taking a step back.

"Sore, I see." I don't think he believes me but I don't care. Amar glances again at my shoulders and I realise I forgot my sweatshirt just wearing the tank top Dauntless gave me yesterday before burning the grey. My cheeks burn and I hope to whatever deity there is that he won't say anything. His brow creases a bit but he just nods and goes back to where we shoot the guns yesterday.

After lifting I go back to the punching bags. My arms ache and I have some difficulties to direct my body through the adapted fighting movements from yesterday but I clench my teeth together and just continue.

A while later the other initiates enter the room and Chris frowns at me being already here.

"Where were you this morning?" she asks and watches my drill.

"I couldn't sleep anymore and before I got bored I..." I am interrupted by Eric. When he entered the room I couldn't say. I observe him while he advances on us from the opposite direction. His whole posture speaks power, his steps self-assured and arrogant and I find myself watching him like the others do. It seems that everyone around him moves when he moves, as if he is some kind or predator and we all are his prey. I am torn between respecting this about him and feeling repulsed because I don't want to be the prey for anyone anymore.

"Initiates!" he shouts, "Today we start the fights. First jumper, in the ring!" He lets his eyes linger on me "Last jumper... time to fight!" I feel my hands get sweaty and the nervousness bubble in my stomach. But when I enter the ring it just falls away from me and I try to concentrate.

The last Jumper is the other girl besides Chris from Candor. Her name is Molly. She is bigger than me in height and weight and I think when she hits you just right you can easily black out. I hope I am fast enough to evade it.

"How long do we fight?" Molly asks, entering the ring as well and looking at Eric. Amar is next to him his face unreadable except the clenching and unclenching of his jaw.

"Until one of you can't continue." Eric answers, crosses his arms over his chest, his eyes glinting with something as he takes a sideways glance at Amar as though he expects him to speak up.

Molly and I watch each other for a few moments, both of us trying to guess what the other would do. It seems that this is too boring for Eric because he yells:

"What are you waiting for? Begin!" I take that as my call and advance at Molly trying to land a kick at her knee. But she is faster than I thought, evades it and her fist catches me in the jaw and lets me see stars. I try to ignore the shouts from the sideline, the snicker from Peter and Drew and even the cheering from Chris. I shake my head trying to get rid of the dizziness and the ringing in my ears.

Her next attack I can block but the force drives me back a bit and lets me stumble for a moment. Molly gets another punch in my face on my nose and I feel my blood run down over my lips. My breathing is faster and I feel fatigue creeping up on me. I take a deep breath, watching the movement of her feet, concentrate on the position of her arms. When she wants to advance again, I make my move evading her brutal fists.

I hit her in the chest and her stomach with my left elbow and right fist effectively knocking the wind out of her and I charge bringing us both down to the mat. I try to pin her arms down with my knees but she gets her left free and her fist gets me in the stomach. I clench my teeth, try to suppress the sharp intake of air and bring my elbow down into her face knocking her out.

I roll to my right side trying to catch my breath. From the corner of my eye I see Eric with a glint in his eyes and a smirk on his lips. It makes my stomach roll in an uncomfortable way. Amar circles my name on the board.

"Get Molly into the infirmary." he tells Drew and Peter. I stand up with difficulties, my head pounding, my heart still racing. I concentrate on not stumbling, on staying strong and hard until I am alone and out of Eric's sight – or as far away from the others as I can get in the training room. I hold a hand to my nose, brush away the red liquid on my lips and chin with my left forearm. When I am half hidden behind the punching bags, I sit down on the cold floor, my back against a steel beam. I suppress a groan and start to concentrate on anything else then my injured nose.

I don't like Molly I decided when I watched her yesterday. She is an uncomfortable person to be around, her sneers and strange ways to look at people give me chills, but that they let us fight, let us punch each other bloody until just one person is standing feels wrong. In my frustration or just because that's my morale standard I don't see any sense in that 'teaching method' at all – more like 'torturing method'. But I won't argue about it. If I have to fight like this to become Dauntless, I will do it.

When the adrenalin slowly vanishes from my blood the pain kicks in as well. It feels like someone hit me with a brick repeatedly in the face. I groan silently, one hand on my jaw the other clasps at my nose to stop the bleeding. I lean forward for a moment and the blood speckles on the floor between my legs fascinate me – maybe my brain got damaged too. When I straighten myself again, Chris approaches me with a smirk, handing me a few wet and dry paper towels. I smile at her gratefully and begin to wash away some of the blood with my free hand.

"Well, that was a sight to behold!" she exclaims cheerily. I lay my head back, taking a dry towel now to press against my nose and try to look at Chris out of the corner of my eyes. I give up just a few seconds later because it just hurts so freaking bad. My eyes are tight shut now and I have to concentrate to not let anyone see just how exhausted I am.

"What do you mean?" I ask and hiss when I press my nose the wrong way.

"Molly going down, of course. The three: Molly, Peter and Drew are the most awful people I had the displeasure to grow up with. Peter would always pick fights with other kids and then tell the adults that they were trying to hurt him and of course he being a child from Candor no one even suspected him of lying." I nod and think that it fits perfectly with the image he portrayed in the few moments I had to interact with him or deal with his insulting remarks.

"I hate the three of them." Christina says, emphasizing every word and I am slightly taken aback by the seriousness in her voice. She laughs then, a gleeful sound and I try to suppress the snort that defiantly would be painful. Maybe Christina was at the receiving end of one of Peter's schemes otherwise I can't explain her fierce hate for him

"Did something happen to you because of Peter?" I ask cautiously because I am not sure if it is a sensitive subject for her. She stays silent for a moment.

"No, not to me. My younger sister. She is Candor through and through so she had no problem to put her dislike for him in blunt words after he bullied a friend of hers." I hear pride in Christina's voice and I can connect with her on that level. I am proud of my brother as well – at least of the things I know he did. For a second I ask myself what he is up to now and if he is ok and continued to make the right decisions over the easy ones. I scoff at myself – of course he did. He is the best person I will probably ever know.

"What happened afterwards?" I ask and feel Christina next to me tense up. Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it to someone she just met and I overstepped an imaginary line. I want to tell her as much, that she doesn't need to speak about it if she doesn't want to, but she already leans forward a bit, elbows on her crossed legs and sighs.

"He made her life living hell with that worm without a backbone Drew joining him without a second thought. It were small things: feeding our parents lies about her to the point where they wouldn't believe a word she said and being Candor that was the worst that could happen. Tripping her and assaulting her in other ways that wouldn't leave a mark on her, spreading false rumors in school. She lost so much and I tried my best to stop them, especially Peter, be there for her, but I had my responsibilities and couldn't be around all the time. I feel like it wasn't enough... I could only do so much, though. We were both looking forward to Choosing Day because it meant that she would be free of him. I still feel a bit bad for leaving her behind but at least I know he is here and she can start to heal." Christina finishes her speech there and I feel anger within me. How dare they team up on a younger girl just because she was honest and put one of them into their place. I think I hear a certain note in Christina's voice and feel compassion for her. I shove her lightly in the shoulder and she looks up, her eyes full of remorse and sadness.

"I hope she will be alright. And I think you can stop feeling bad for not doing enough. As far as I can tell from your story you did everything in your power. You lend your sister strength and she made it to the day she was free. That's everything that counts now." Christina looks surprised for a moment, her eyes thoughtful and nods slowly. She doesn't thank me and she doesn't need to. We stay silent for a while, both of us nursing emotional scars or in my case physical injuries. When Christina speaks again, her voice holds happiness again and I feel relief:

"I am happy you finished Molly off the way you did – it was spectacular. Hopefully I get the chance to..." she doesn't continue and I bring myself to look at her questioningly. But Christina doesn't look at me but to something ahead of us. She frowns and her shoulders are squared and tense.

Eric approaches us, turning slightly to evade the punching bags. He looks in our direction, his steps powerful and I wait for the impact of scornful words or a mocking quip in my direction because I am sitting here with a bleeding nose and watery eyes. I scowl at myself and I am disappointed that I can't hide how much effort it costs me to not just swear and cry because my nose is still bleeding and my jaw hurts like hell. All I can think about is how I look to everyone else at the moment – beaten and exhausted. It's the dominant thought in my mind and that's new for me. Of course I cared about some opinions of others, about their perception of me but never with this sort of fierceness. It startles me. But maybe I shouldn't be surprised because perception is everything at the moment – how Amar and Eric see me, how they judge me because they are my instructors and decide whether I can be Dauntless enough to join their Faction for good.

I know I won and that that should be the only thing that counts but I am not sure. I don't know which criteria apply, what Amar and Eric are looking for in the new Dauntless members. Or maybe have to look for – there is always a possibility that Eric as the youngest Leader has to follow orders the older Leaders give him. Maybe he himself isn't very fond of the fighting or at least the way Dauntless makes us fight without guards for our knuckles or anything like that. I don't have the slightest idea about him, his opinion or the criteria important to make it through initiation. What describes a fighter good enough for Dauntless? It could be that someone who fights fiercely and wins is not as good as someone that maybe loses but shows huge potential. I try not to frown in thought and keep my face neutral because every facial expression is sending ripples of pain through it. I will find out eventually when the rankings are posted at the end of our second week.

"What is it, Stiff?" Eric asks and I am startled out of my musing because he is suddenly crouched down in front of me, taking my face into his hands. He pushes away my hand holding the paper towel to my nose not too gently and takes a close look at my face. My nose stopped bleeding and I am grateful for it. His hands I evaluated not two days ago are surprisingly warm and careful as he inspects the damage. When he probes my jaw I close my eyes and moan softly. But the pain though sharp goes away in a few seconds and leaves it throbbing numbly with the rest of my face. I want to see his eyes because I am suddenly so aware of the situation. I am aware of him being so out of character and _close_ that I have to take a closer look, have to know what color his eyes have now. He furrows his brows, his gaze searching, his eyes an amazing grey and not as cold as they normally are.

"Doesn't look broken. But you need ice.", he says, his voice quiet and thoughtful, one hand in the back of my neck massaging my arching muscles subconsciously, the other prudently at my chin. He is showing a side I would never expect him to possess. I nod and realize I need air. I wasn't aware I had stopped breathing, so I inhale slowly. I am surprised I can smell his scent even though the airways in my nose are clogged with blood. And I am even more surprised that it calms me down. I frown slightly at my own reaction. It doesn't add up with the emotions I started to develop towards my instructor. It doesn't fit with the caution, slight intimidation or respect. Eric stands then, giving me another evaluating glance and for a moment I get the impression that maybe he has to make sure for himself a last time that I was ok. Then he turns around and I am confused. He disappears through the punching bags and I stare after him. My mind is blank only to be overflown by assumptions a second later.

"What was that?!" Christina exclaims next to me in a whisper-shout and the only thing I can do is shrug. Her eyes are huge and her mouth opened just the slightest in surprise, confusion and not really surprisingly a bit of disgust. If I wasn't so confused, my mind not overloaded with questions, hypothesis and his scent that could impossibly still linger here and I couldn't possibly smell with my blocked nose I would have laughed at her expression. Whatever just happened I have no idea what it means and how I should feel about it.

* * *

The other fights that day are equally brutal and more times than not I try to occupy my eyes with anything else but the ring that is now filled with blood sprinkles everywhere. Will loses against Al and I see the big soft Al drop his shoulders, with a frown and a hurt glint in his eyes. Christina easily wins against Myra and I ask myself for a moment why Myra joined in the first place but I push that thought out of my mind because I know that it isn't my place to judge at all. Not an hour after lunch Amar tells us that we are free for the day. I breathe a sigh of relief and go with Christina until she says she wants to visit Will in the infirmary. Al stays behind, hands in his pockets and shoulders slumped forward.

"You did well, Tris. You are really strong and brave, you know", he says and I know he is honest even though his voice is flat. I don't feel brave and strong at the moment and defiantly don't look like it. Al isn't the kind of person to just say something like that – at least that's my first impression – and I get a feeling that there is more to his well-meant compliment. Maybe it is just my fear of someone getting close to me or my overactive imagination but an awkward feeling spreads in my midsection and I clench my teeth together to suppress it.

"Thank you, so did you." I answer and he flinches. I do my best not to role my eyes or scowl at his reaction because he is a nice guy and I knew from the first time we talked about the fights that it would be extremely difficult for him. I should be gentle with him, should make sure he is alright. But I trample down this notion because it is the Abnegation teaching that's speaking and not my own emotions. It's confusing to have two mindsets. It was second nature for me to think Abnegation first. I have to work on that, because the Abnegation way was never my way and it was suffocating sometimes. Now I have the possibility to discover who I can and want to be and I should start on the process.

I try to decipher what I as a person feel in hindsight to Al's reaction and the way he expresses himself. It's a bit difficult because it is buried deep within me. And then I find it: I don't really care if he is sad or not. Al has to be strong for himself and it won't help him if I coddle him or the things that lay ahead of us. We are initiates in Dauntless – we have to learn to be brave and strong. So I just look forward. He is walking next to me brushing my arm randomly or not so randomly when I catch him watching me out of the corner of his eyes for the third time. He speaks up after a while, presumably deep in thought about my compliment.

"Yeah, I don't think so... where is the point in hurting a friend? And the next one and a half weeks we will do nothing but fight... I don't know if I can do it. I guess I will just pretend that I am unconscious after a few hits..." I breathe deeply and try to stay calm. His sobs through the first two nights and his reaction at supper just yesterday make me feel sorry for him at least for a bit. I can't phantom the feeling of missing my home or parents. I didn't have a home – not in the normal meaning of the word anyway – and my mother is long dead.

"I think you should try to give your best and pretending to lose although you could easily win isn't your best." I say, elbowing him softly into the side and smile a hopefully encouraging smile. He answers with a sad half-smile himself.

"I don't like to hurt people. These fights disgust me." His smile vanishes just as quickly as the words left his mouth and maybe he understands himself how they sounded. Maybe he regrets his decision of joining Dauntless – I can picture him quite well in yellow and red. I feel sorry for the boy but another part of me feels repulsed by his behavior. I don't want to talk anymore and there is nothing I could possibly say that wouldn't hurt him. So I remain silent and think: _Coward_.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	11. Chapter 10

_(Updated: 27.02.2015) - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

**Chapter 10**

Soon I am by myself again, happy that Al went to the cafeteria and I have the time to calm myself down and recover emotionally at least a bit. I go to the tattoo parlor after getting ice for my face and George greets me as I enter. I make my way over the counter he stands at. He sports a broad grin when he sees my face that begins to color in blue and violet hues. I answer with a small smile myself that turns into a grimace. I hear him chuckle and I just shrug. We are Dauntless – we accept wounds, we count on them to teach us something.

"Well, look at you, Tris. Fallen into a paint-pot?" I snort slightly and watch Tori approaching the counter George and I lean against at the moment.

"Cut it, Tori. Fights started today." But I think I didn't need to point that out. It's quite obvious anyway.

"Did you kick some ass?" Tori wiggles her eyebrows, a glint in her eyes that can only be described as eagerness and with a friendly smile around her mouth. A proud smile appears on my face only to vanish a moment later.

"Look at her face, Tori. She got her arse handed to her." George pipes in and I throw him a poisonous glare. Of course he would think that. I don't look like a fighter. He touches his pointer finger between my eyes and says.

"Don't scowl at me, you are as frightening as a white fluffy cloud." Now I really get angry and feel bold.

"Actually, my arse is quite well, thank you very much. But my opponent isn't so lucky, probably still out cold in the infirmary and with quite a few bruises, too." I throw him a challenging glance. I don't think I can take him but a bit of playful banter and a hidden threat don't hurt. Tori laughs at the dumbfounded expression on George's face.

"Well, better don't underestimate her. She looks like she means business and we both know that a child could win against you." George scoffs, shoving Tori lightly and I grin as broad as possible without flinching in pain.

"You know that isn't true at all. If I remember correctly I beat you a few times while we were both initiates." He wiggles his eyebrows at her, his smile mischievous. Tori scoffs.

"As if. And as much as I would like to prove that point, Tris and I have a date. So shut it and do something useful for once in your life." George flips her off and I shake my head at their behavior. If my brother and I will act like that in a few years, too?

* * *

Tori leads me behind a screen and asks me to pull off my long-sleeved shirt and open my bra. I am a bit uncomfortable but I trust Tori and she as a tattoo artist has probably seen enough naked woman to think nothing of it. I lay flat on my stomach, my discarded clothes under me, ice pack against my nose.

When the buzzing of the tattoo gun starts I let it calm myself down. Until now I didn't let myself think about the events with Eric – at least not as much as I need to work through it and get at least a small understanding. In all honesty I don't want to think about him or the events, what prompted his behavior and what it meant. I don't want to over-analyse it and come to wrong conclusions. Maybe it is just Dauntless standard to look after initiates that sit on cold floors with a bleeding nose and nearly crying. Or maybe Amar pointed it out and Eric decided to make it his own business. Or maybe he does this for all the initiates that proved they could take a blow and still stand on their own. But then again he didn't go to Edward that had a split lip and looked a bit exhausted after he won against Drew. And he didn't take Christina's face into his strong hands to look if her eye needed treatment in the infirmary after Myra landed a lucky blow to it.

Whatever it was I have no idea. I don't even know how to feel about all of this. Its two days into initiation. I already shot a gun, thinking of the consequences and the responsibility. I learned how to fight in general, took blows and dealt them and won my first fight. I get my back tattooed right now, get to know new people, even making distant friends and I am constantly more stumbling then walking into situation I never had to deal with before. I feel like I fell into the chasm and the water is drowning me with all the things happening around me. I am surprised that so much can happen in two days – it feels more like two weeks to me since my blood sizzled on coal. And seriously all things considered: Eric seems to be not as important or as big as a problem compared to everything else. But he is the most prominent thing in my mind. My thoughts circle around him in a confusing pattern.

As Eric explained the Dauntless initiation to us I was shocked just like the others were. When I think about it now I can see the purpose of such an intense and thorough choosing process. Our whole existence as Dauntless roots in three important tasks: to protect, to be brave, and to be strong. The Leaders couldn't just let anyone pass who missed these primary traits and tendencies. Some are strong but can't think straight in a challenging atmosphere - a serious problem considering that our duty is to be strong where others can't be. Some are intelligent but lack the ability to decide or to even fight when you have to. And I think that it's not like Eric personally wants us to fail. He is strict about these rules and takes the process seriously and for that I can't blame him – Dauntless needs the best of the best. And I can respect him for that as well because if the roles were reversed I would do the same. His ways of approaching it are debatable, though.

In general he seems like a first grade asshole – cruel, distant, and arrogant. He made fun of us, treated us like scum and it seems like he doesn't really care about any of us getting hurt or even killed. I really should hate him or even dislike him. I probably would if he hadn't displayed some kind of nice characteristics – at least towards me. Another thing that doesn't sit right with me but is too complicated to think about without more information. I just know that if I want to figure it out, I eventually have to figure him out in all of his contradicting behavior.

I am not sure if I should divide my energy on another subject, though because training, fighting, shooting, the other initiates and on top of that finding out who I want to be, overcoming my upbringing and past – it isn't a clever decision to load something else on my shoulders. But Eric has picked my interest or at least his controversial behavior did. I am curious what I will find out and hopefully I can find a closure to the subject soon, too. The best way to get some information is probably to ask around I think. Taking the opportunity that presents itself now, I will start here – at some point he had to interact with the people from the parlor.

"Tori?" I ask, my voice low enough that nobody would really hear anything but loud enough that she can still hear me over the buzzing sound of the tattoo gun.

"Hm?"

"I am a bit confused about Eric being a leader... isn't he awfully young for such an important position?" The slight pain from the tattooing needle is gone for a few seconds and I bite my lip. I hope I haven't gone too far by trusting my instinct that Tori preferred coming straight to the point instead of beating around the bush.

"No, not at all. Age doesn't matter here in Dauntless, you know. If you fulfill the criteria it doesn't matter if you are fresh out of initiation or not. Though Eric is indeed the first one to fall into this position at this age." she answers, resuming to draw the intricate pattern I described to her on my skin. I hum and try my luck again:

"Do you know him...? I mean from before he was an initiate?"

"No, he was a transfer... Erudite if I am not mistaken. Good Faction to come from when dealing with all the crap the Leaders have to deal with according to the things I heard." the last part she more or less mumbles to herself.

"And what was he like while he was an initiate?"

"Tris, what's with all the questions?" Tori again pauses on my back and rolls around the table I am laying on, the rolls of her stool squeaking. She gives me a slightly annoyed look and I think there is suspicion there as well.

"Oh, you know... he is a difficult person and my instructor – I guess I am a bit curious, that's all." She raises an eyebrow and I am not sure if she believes me even though I train my face into a harmless mask of slight interest. She sighs and puts her foot down on the pedal that activates the tattoo gun. I think I let it just drop... of course it would seem strange that I ask her about my instructor and a Dauntless leader nonetheless. I let my head fall back again and wait for the session to be over with but to my surprise Tori answers.

"I can still remember when he entered the parlor... I mean, he was an initiate like any other – wanted to prove himself, wanted to find himself and was afraid what would wait for him if he wouldn't last initiation. Normal at this age and in his position. Although ... I think his transition was easier because he just fit in here, you know. As if he was a Dauntless-born. He was really determined."

"Hm." Is all I can reply because my thoughts are back in overdrive. When I look at him I couldn't picture him in anything else then the Dauntless black with the daring tattoos, the piercings and the tapers and I agree with Tori. I don't know how he was before he left knowledge behind for bravery. I don't know if he grew up like me, having this urge to run, go on an adventure and proving himself even as he still was wearing a blue jacket. I just know: I don't know him but I know he belongs here. He is Dauntless.

* * *

"All done", Tori exclaims in front of me, taking her foot off the pedal and the buzzing stops. I am back from my thoughts and in the parlor blinking a few times to chase away the last hypothesis I came up with. We switched positions a few times between Tori working and me musing my thoughts about a certain Dauntless Leader.

"Want to see it before I cover it up?" she asks and I nod. I hold my black shirt to my breasts, swinging my legs over the stool I sat on and she shows me to a full length mirror. Black and red ivy branches cover my whole back in an intricate pattern, framing a person in the middle that is just a shadow of a real human. The figure is held down by thorny tendrils, the thing representing a mouth is opened wide in a scream. A smoke like substance escapes the mouth and the words _I am not afraid anymore_ are billowing in it. It looks like the scene from one of the books father had me read when I grew up and I feel pride within me. It's all in the past.

"It's amazing, Tori. Thank you so much." I glance at my shoulders and my collarbone, the ivy spreading there as well quite naturally. Tori watches me, can probably fathom what made me get a tattoo so big and bold first thing entering Dauntless and not even through initiation but until now she never even said a word about it.

"I made something similar but really different a while back." she begins and I tense up a bit. I nod, letting her put Vaseline and bandages on my fresh tattoo before I close my bra and pull on my long-sleeved shirt pushing the sleeves up to my elbow.

"I won't tell anyone, Tris. Just know ... I mean, if you ever want to talk about it or anything for that matter, I am here." I am surprised that she actually said that.

"But you don't know me..." I mumble, feeling ungrateful that I point out something like this before thanking her for her generous offer. Tori frowns for a moment, shrugs and then gives me half a smile.

"I know, but I like you, shorty." I scoff at the nickname, shove her playfully and she laughs.

"Ok. Thanks I guess."

"You are welcome. And put some more ice on that nose of yours." I grin, waving goodbye to her and George and going back to the dorm. There will be more fighting in the afternoon, the morning belonging to gun practice and general exercise to be up to Dauntless standard physically.

* * *

It is again late when I reach the door to our dorm and Will and Chris are standing in front of the door, whispering something to each other, sharing flirtatious looks and small touches. I smile to myself.

"Hey you two!" I say calmly as I walk up to them, hands in the pockets. They look up, Will with a gentle smile and Christina looking thoughtful. She says something to her love interest and he leaves us behind. I want to ask what she is up to but Chris just takes my arm and leads me to another tunnel further away from the dorm. She glances around as if to make sure that no one followed us then she pulls me down beside her. I am quite confused what this is all about.

"So, again about Eric..." She starts, trailing off and I groan inwardly. I don't want to talk about that, not if I don't know what his actions even meant and how to feel about it. Chris seems to notice my discomfort but I don't think I can placate her with a small shrug like back in the training room.

"Look, Chris. I don't know what that was about and believe me, I tried every angle to look at it." I say frustrated, running my hand over my scalp, trying to let go of the tension in my shoulders. The visit to the tattoo parlor relaxed me but now that Chris looks at me inquisitive I feel them cramp up again.

"I believe you... but don't you think it is extremely strange... I mean the way he looks at you..."

"He looks at me?" I ask startled interrupting her. I hadn't noticed it and I tell her as much.

"Yeah, Eric watches you. I am surprised you haven't noticed, sometimes he seems to want to burn holes in your back." I shudder slightly, brushing against Chris' arms and she chuckles a bit. Maybe she thinks I am disgusted by her observation. But I am really not – it confuses me, makes me a bit uncomfortable and edgy because it is so difficult to understand his motivation to do the things he does. For a moment I wonder what he sees when he looks at me.

"Just be careful, Tris. I don't think he is a person to be trusted... and though you try everything in your power to not get close to us we are still you friends and you can talk to us." Chris says this so casually as if it is completely normal to avoid people and shutting them out, as if friendship meant nothing more than having a common goal and nothing else. And then I think that maybe being from Candor she understands to some degree that to keep from lying but still hiding truths you have to stay alone and distant yourself. I don't want to lie to the people that so easily took a liking to me, integrating me into their chosen group of friends.

"Thank you. I don't understand what he did back there not to talk about why... but if there is anything I'll tell you, promised." She nods and lets the topic drop easily enough now. We sit in silence for a bit longer, both exhausted physically and mentally. As we make our way back, Chris shoves me playfully and says:

"You know, you should accompany me to the shops tomorrow... getting a few pants and shirts that don't look two times too big on you." I smile at her, looking down at the rolled up legs of my jeans and nod.

"Yeah, I would like that. "She smiles in response, squeezing my hand for a moment and we both slip into the now dark dorm. Chris is a wonderful person, I realize. Determined and strong, but caring as well. I hope that we will stay friends even though the shadow of initiation is looming above us reminding us that maybe at some point it means her and me that we have to become opponents. The thought makes me uncomfortable but I don't want to question myself now, don't want to think about being ruthless or caring or how I would react. All in strides I think, lay down in my cot and am fast asleep.

* * *

Two days after my fight Molly is up against Chris. I see Eric shortly as we enter the training room after lunch but try to ignore his presence as best as I can, my curiosity back in full force. He stands opposite of me and doesn't look in my direction. Maybe he regrets what he did the day before yesterday. I shake my head slightly and concentrate not on him but on anything else.

Amar steps up and calls Molly who spots a nasty bruise on her face and Chris into the ring. I know Chris is strong and when I watched her practice she had the techniques down good enough for the third day of training. But I also know how Molly can throw a punch and I am slightly nervous. Not too long after everyone arrived, Eric steps up.

I throw Chris an encouraging smile and she nods. Eric seems impatient, the hand at his side clenching and unclenching. What bothers him? As Chris and Molly enter the ring he speaks up:

"Begin. We don't have all day." His voice is cold and distant. Chris seems to notice that he is on edge and starts to move Molly mirroring her.

They circle each other Chris trying to break through the blocks. She is faster than Molly but it seems Christina can't use that to her advantage. A punch catches her in the face and blood pours from her newly split lip. She uses her forearm to wipe it away and I see that she tries to get the dizziness that overtakes after a punch to the face to shake off. I want to encourage her, want to call out to her because I can see that Molly's defense of her midsection is really weak if at all there and that would be Chris' chance but I keep quiet. Yesterday Edward tried to help Myra being the good boyfriend he seems to be and Eric made him run around the tracks until his legs gave out. Chris is my friend but I won't risk punishment at this stage and I flinch at my selfishness. In all honesty I am just happy that I am not the center of Eric's attention today.

I hear a crunch again. Chris nose is bleeding now as well and she falls over. I see her arms shaking badly as she tries to get up but she isn't fast enough and Molly's foot connects with her rips. I flinch a bit and hope that the bones are still intact otherwise Chris would be as good as Factionless. My clenched hands start to cramp and I try to loosen them a bit, shaking them next to me. Chris is still on her knees and I beg her silently to go unconscious but she grits her teeth, tries to breathe through the onslaught of hits and kicks from Molly and suddenly she screams and yells:

"Stop, please. I'm done." Her left hand is spread out in front of her, her voice strained and Molly takes a step back. I look to Amar and Eric. Eric raises an eyebrow and I just know that that means nothing good.

"You surrender?" he asks and his voice is calm. Chris looks up, her lip bloody, the blood still pouring down her chin and her face is wet from sweat. Chris nods and I know she feels ashamed. Eric nods as well, contemplating and to all of our surprises offers Christina a hand to help her up. She takes it suspiciously.

"Everyone, come with me. Let's take a break!" he calls out and we follow him. The hairs at the back of my neck stand up and I can't help myself but feel nothing good will come of it. We are silent as we follow him and Chris walking next to him, pinching her nose to stop the bleeding. When we are about to cross the bridge over the chasm, Eric's arm around Christina's back, it happens. He suddenly pushes her over the edge, his face calm, holding onto Chris' arm. Her other hand tries to get a grip of the railing and after a second succeeds. I look horrified at the scene, Chris hanging on the railing for dear life and Eric crouched down in front of her. His voice is calm and collected as he begins to talk:

"You have three options now. You hang in there for five minutes and I will forget about your cowardice, let go and die or quit and become factionless." He lets go of her hand in a heartbeat not even batting an eye though the water rushing beneath us is deafening and deadly and he is playing with Christina's life. My stomach is in angry knots and I wonder why he doesn't feel my burning eyes on him because I am sure that he has to feel the heat radiating off of them and my wish for him to suffer. But he just calmly looks at his wristwatch and then lets his gaze wander over us.

"Dauntless NEVER give up.", he says, emphasizing every word and his jaw is working hard. He seems livid that even one of us contemplated giving up and saying so as well. He doesn't smirk, doesn't smile, there is no greedy glint in his eyes and they are dark again – he is agitated and not enjoying himself. I just don't get it. When there is nothing in for him, why does he torture Chris like that?

And then it hits me and I feel numb for a moment. He wants to teach us all a lesson. He could have told Molly to continue, to drive her fists and feet into Chris until she was a bloody mess on the floor of the ring but instead he made us go with him to teach us a lesson we were too blind to see beforehand.

We all know that Dauntless is about bravery; we read about it in the manifesto of the Factions and the Leader's speech at our first evening here is still fresh in our minds. The fights we have to participate in prepare us to act when the need arises but the way they are designed they also teach us to stay strong and brave with a cool head even if we are losing. Giving up even if we are injured or out of breath or a little bloody isn't an option. Not if you fight for dear life. Out there, anyone who is out to kill or injure us, will do it, no matter if we beg for mercy or not. In a situation where it comes down to their lives or ours they would not hesitate to kill us if we surrender or not. I swallow the bile that rises in my throat and look back to Eric and it seems there is something he sees in my eyes because he nods at me just once.

I can't stand to look at him anymore though a mixture of comprehension, fright and rage filling me. So I watch Christina's arms shaking slightly and she tries time and again to get a better grip, her fingers slipping from the wet metal of the bars. Her face is still bloody but scrunched up in concentration and determination. I feel deep admiration for her in that moment.

When Eric calls time I am slightly surprised that Edward helps me when we pull Christina over the edge. She is breathing heavily and her bodyweight presses down on my smaller frame but I want to be strong for us both so I give my best to hold her shivering form up until Will comes forward taking her other arm, his face pale but his eyes burning when he looks to Eric. I look at him as well, with his posture so uncaring and cold, his face bare any emotion and his eyes dark grey.

And even though I know now what he tried to tell us with this little show of cruelty everything I thought about him just vanishes. I don't see the man who holds my grudging respect, who is hard but determined and who has picked my curiosity in a special way. I see a man too cruel to let him overlook initiation. I hate him with a passion in that moment and I am furious with myself because I know that that isn't completely true. I try to push my doubts away and really feel my dislike for him but all I can think is that I am unfair, stubborn and biased because he hurt and humiliated my friend.

* * *

We were dismissed after that, everyone to shaken to continue fighting. After taking care of Chris's injuries we sit in the dorm. She is now curled up on her cot, Will's arms protectively around her, and her head on his chest. In that moment she looks like the 16 year old girl she really is and not the determined, strong and passionate nearly grown-up she displayed when she first put on the black clothes of Dauntless. I try to smile at her encouragingly and leave the two of them alone. Some wounds heal better if you are with the one person you care most about.

I am by myself again and though I feel comfortable enough to hang out with Chris, Will and Al I enjoy my alone time. It gives me the silence I need to reflect on myself and the things around me. I stop at the chasm, leaning my back against the railing and my mind replays the incidents not three hours ago. I cross my arms over my chest and huff. No matter how hard I try I don't come up with a way Eric could have taught us this lesson differently. I ask myself if I would have understood what he meant if he simply explained it and I come to the conclusion that no, I wouldn't have understood. Of course the concept would have been clear to us, but it was only after we saw it with our own eyes that we really comprehended it. I wasn't even aware of this lesson in the beginning.

Eric saw his chance when Christina surrendered and he used it. One could argue about the whole pushing an injured person over an edge thing and torturing that person with only really one choice but observing it objectively he probably wouldn't have let her fall. At least I try to tell myself that he knew that Christina would be strong enough to hold on. I sigh because just like that the hate I felt earlier is gone. I may not like his methods but I understand the importance. All of this is quite confusing and instead of more questions I would like to receive some answers soon.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	12. Chapter 11

_(Updated: 27.02.2015) - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

**Chapter 11**

My nose is healing fairly well and though still sore to the touch I don't have problems to breathe properly anymore. My body gets accustomed to the ever present ache as well although I have to withhold on anything too exhausting when I begin my training early in the morning before anyone else is up. When our actual training begins I just feel a slight pain in my muscles. Amar didn't approach me again. When I get to the training room after a good breakfast he does whatever he is supposed to do and I run a few rounds and lift a few weights afterwards.

I am focused on holding my arm just right to not destroy some tissue in it when I feel someone approach me. I go on not bothering to acknowledge whoever joins me, breathing in through my nose and exhaling through my mouth.

"You have to go through the whole movement." Eric says and before I can think about what he means he grabs my arm, his body so close I can feel the heat radiating off of it on my back. He places his calloused hand on mine showing me what he means. My fist nearly disappears under his. His arm next to mine makes me realize just how different we are in physical aspects. I know he is tall and muscular but compared to my thin pale arm he seems even more so. I concentrate on my breathing, smelling his scent again and I ignore the same flutter I felt when I first encountered it.

"Your muscles are both extensor and flexor so you need to go through the whole movement to have a better result for your training." Now I can easily make out his Erudite upbringing. I nod and he steps back, watching my movements for any faults as I lift the weight again without his assistance. Eric places a hand between my shoulder blades and one on my shoulder pressing and pulling lightly to let me know that I have to stand straight to not overuse my shoulder joints and let the muscles in my arm do the work. His hands are feather light and I am surprised that he can be so gentle when all he displays is hard and edged and cold. When his hands leave my body I look over my shoulder at him, a smile of gratitude on my face. He looks at me closely, his eyes narrowing just the slightest bit and in the next moment grabs a wayward strand of my blond hair to brush it behind my ear. I am confused about his gesture and blush slightly.

He moves over to the barbells and starts training himself. I observe his movements out of the corner of my eyes. I enjoy the view, his muscles rippling with the added strain from the weights. I concentrate on my own training again, losing myself as I try to push myself even further, lifting more, repeating the same exercise again and again until the pain in my muscles is too much. I move from station to station, working on different muscle groups. Neither Eric nor I talk and the silence around us is comfortable. He isn't bothered by my presence and seems to be relaxed. It surprises me because he always seems to be on edge around people as far as I can tell. And I am, too.

After a short pause to drink some water in the washroom I find myself a mat to do sit-ups on. When I am at my tenth repetition a shadow falls over me. Eric stands there, his face in a frown, arms crossed in front of him. I look up to his eyes, a question in my own.

"You don't need to curl up to your knees, it just damages your back. Half the way up is enough for this muscle group and more effective." I just stare at him quizzically. He sighs, crouches down and puts a hand on my shoulder. I repeat the movement and he stops me in the middle of the sit-up.

"Don't go further up, it can damage the tissue in your back and your spine." I let myself fall back removing his hand in the process and look at his crouched form. He is looking down at me, his grey eyes now light and I can't read anything in them. I would do everything to find out how this brain of his works or how he is able to suppress any emotion to show itself on his face or at least his eyes. If I would be able to read him I wouldn't have the urge to ask him about his motives.

"Why do you do that?" I ask before I can stop myself. I frown for a second at my own bluntness but the question is out in the open now and I can't take it back.

"Do what?" His voice is calm and deep as he asks back. I want to roll my eyes but restrain myself from doing so. Maybe he wants to give me an opportunity to back off, or maybe he is actually confused about my sudden question. Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it. It doesn't matter. Now that I asked I want an answer.

"Help me all the time." I wave my hand in an all-around way and I don't think I need to elaborate more. It's quite clear what I talk about.

"You needed someone to tell you what you did wrong." With that he stands up, turns around and disappears behind the punching bags. I push myself up on my elbows and stare at his retreating back the muscles under his shirt moving hypnotizing until I can't see him anymore. With a huff I let myself fall on my back, one hand on my stomach the other next to me. I sigh inaudibly because I can't lie to myself. I can't pretend that I am just curious about what is behind the grey eyes. I can't tell myself that I just want to know what makes him tick because no one can be just plain cruel without interior motives. Not anymore.

It isn't curiosity that makes me aware of his presence. And it's not my interest in him as a person that lets my heart beat faster or my breath hitch. I am attracted to him physically. I want to be frustrated at my confession but I am not. I think every warm-blooded female can appreciate a good male body and Eric's is – to put it bluntly – delicious. Though I am not comfortable with my new knowledge about myself I accept it because it would feel wrong to deny it.

I sigh again. Instead of finding out something about him, I found out something about myself and my questions are still unanswered.

* * *

The door to the training room squeaks open and one after another my fellow initiates enter. We stand before the board again and Amar watches me for a moment longer, a questioning look in his eyes then he clears his throat and starts to speak.

"Today you learn how to throw a knife. You may find yourself in a situation with your ammo low and only a knife to help you, so don't take this lightly. Take the knives and watch me closely." Each one of us take the prepared knives from the table. They are cool against my warm skin, fairly good balanced as far as I can tell and not as heavy as I thought.

Amar goes through the movements and I try to memorize them just as I tried to memorize it while he showed us how to shoot a gun. His legs are shoulder wide apart again, one foot behind the other. He inhales through his nose and takes aim. One arm is angled behind his head, the other swings in a flowing motion knife in hand. He focuses again, exhales and lets the knife fly. It lands in the middle of the target.

"Get to work."

I first try to get used to the new stance he showed us. It is a bit uncomfortable at first but with a few adjustments I think I will manage. When I take the knife in my hand I start going through the movement of throwing it without letting it escape my hand. When I think that it would be good enough, I take the stance, inhale, and exhale and let the knife fly. It hits the target but doesn't stick to it. I try again and I smile. I managed to hit the target near the bull's eye.

"You know, you really are good at all this aiming stuff. It makes me jealous." Christina smiles at me and I am proud of myself. The others get it down really fast as well having more experience with regulating their breathing and aiming in general.

Al isn't so lucky though. He throws sloppy, not giving it all his heart and I flinch a bit because I know he cried again last night. I tried to ignore it and when he finally calmed down I stood up and left for training. I don't know if I should go to him and help him. Then I stop myself – I won't think Abnegation anymore. He has to be brave for himself and needs to find his own inner strength.

I see Eric walking around, his hands behind his back, supervising us. His eyes linger on me for a second and he is squinting at me. He wants to go to me to reprimand me for standing around, I think but stops shortly before he reaches me to look at Al. His knife is headed to the target but lands on the floor instead far from hitting the target at all. Al turns to Will, shrugging his shoulders to something Will said and waits for the others to stop throwing so he can get his knives back.

"That was pathetic." Eric says and I slump forward. Poor Al. Eric approaches him, his whole posture that of a predator again and I think it's a bit unfair to choose Al as his target. He is a far too easy prey for someone as skilled as him.

"It slipped." Al answers, his back now straight. _The prey fighting back with weapons that won't help him._

"Then you better get it. Now." _The predator toying with his prey, chasing it a bit and pretending it is faster than him._

"While everyone is still throwing?" Al's eyes are wide and his voice sounds incredulous. His eyes flicker from Eric's presumably dark grey eyes to the firm set of his mouth and he begins to realize that it wasn't a joke but a command. Why he even thought so I have no idea.

"Why? Are you afraid?" Eric stands with his back to me and I can see the muscles tense in his shoulders. _The predator showing off his claws and deadly teeth and the prey slowly understands that there is no way out._

"Of being killed by an airborne knife? Of course I am. I am not stupid." Why he decided to step up for himself in this moment is something I don't understand. _The prey's last attempt to still get away, to save its life and the predator drives its teeth into the innocent prey._

"Everyone, stop!" Eric shouts, his voice deadly calm, eyes focused on Al. "You, go stand in front of the target. Amar will throw knives at you and when you flinch, you are out." Al stands there for a moment, his face pale with red blotches all over it. Then he sighs and just does as Eric says.

"Amar? Give me a hand." Amar looks calm, not at all bothered by the display and I find myself wondering how many times that had happened before. He balances a knife in his hand and the sobs I heard from the cot Al sleeps in resonate in my ears. I gulp, torn between letting Al being torture for his lacking ability to be brave or standing up for him because I know he is one of the persons Dauntless protects – the one that can't shout for themselves. Before Amar can throw the knife I make up my mind: Maybe I can't stand Al's cowardice but I am Dauntless and I need to stand up for him.

"Stop." My voice is louder then I intended and I meet first Amar's then Eric's eyes. Both seem to be surprised that someone spoke up.

"Letting someone stand in front of a target doesn't prove anything just that you bully us and if I remember correctly that is a sign of cowardice." I see Eric narrow his eyes on me, commanding me to back down, but I just square my shoulders and stay stubborn.

"If you think so, Stiff", he throws the slang for Abnegation right into my face and I know he is furious with me, "you can take up his position. Same rules." Without a look back or another word I move to the target not meeting Al's eyes because I don't want him to see that I think he is pathetic.

Without further notice Amar throws the first knife that lands just above my head. I can feel the vibration of the wood behind and above me. Eric taunts him, his arms crossed and I think in this moment he hates my guts. Why, I can only assume but in reality I don't have the slightest idea and I don't really care. It was the right thing to do. The next knife nearly hits my shoulder just nicking the black fabric of my long-sleeved shirt. The last knife lands next to my cheekbone and a stinging sensation spreads over my face. He hit me. I hiss silently not taking my eyes off of Eric even though I should have looked to Amar because his eyes are reassuring when I glance for a second into his direction.

"Well, I would like to see you all stand as courageous as she just did, but time is up. Go to lunch and afterwards head to the tracks. You are going on a trip." He never leaves me out of his eyes and I decide to listen now, to stay behind like they command. When everyone is gone I want to speak up but before I can even think about the right words or brushing away the few droplets of blood collecting in the small cut he is in front of me – again – and his hand is on my face.

"I start to think you have a death wish, Stiff. Or are just plain stupid." He hisses and I want to throw back his insult by pointing out that he is a self-centered, arrogant bully that feels only satisfied by taking pleasure in torturing weaker people but I stop myself because it would be a lie. Instead I look up into his eyes.

I have to strain my neck a bit to meet his gaze and in some weird way, I normally would have never accepted, it is quite appealing to some part of me that he is so much taller than me. We stare at each other for a few moments and I feel the anger vanish. I see no malice in his eyes, no mockery and not even the insult he all but throw into my face. They are still darker than usual but not as cold as I expected. He probes my cheek with his pointer finger and I stop him by putting my hands on his chest and pushing him away gently.

"I am ok, you know. It's just a scratch." I feel the need to reassure him even though I should be the one that's shaken from three knives thrown at me. I am about to turn around to follow the others to the cafeteria, but he grasps my wrist with one of his hands and holds me back. His hold isn't gentle or soft this time, but hurts slightly.

"We don't train you do be rebels but soldiers. Next time you will not speak up. You will not get in line..." I huff and interrupt him tired of his demanding tone or his dominant being that I still feel without looking at him or the confusion I feel whenever he treats me different than the others.

"I will do exactly the same thing. Al is bad as it is. He doesn't need to be bullied. I don't want to sound bold or arrogant but I know he won't make it and whether you put him through this or I take it doesn't matter. Let go of me." I don't look at him and as his hand still holds my wrist I pull with a bit more strength and I am free. I leave the room without looking back. I have enough of him for today.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	13. Chapter 12

_(Updated: 27.02.2015) - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

**Chapter 12**

We went to the fence two days ago. It was the day of my last direct encounter with Eric since then I tried my best to avoid him and it really worked well. Maybe he wants to avoid me as well because he didn't show up to training since then. I went shopping with Christina and though I could tell that she wanted me to buy more than the two snug pants, the tank tops I can now wear and the one dress I found even myself take a liking to she didn't press me. She just shrugged and continued on to explain to me what the black pencil – eyeliner its name was – was supposed to do. I let her apply it on me and I admit that it brings out my eyes making her smile in victory.

It's strange to have a friend like her. My companionship with Susan was completely different to the things I do with Chris or even the things we talk about. I never shared something personal with Susan because to speak about yourself is self-indulgent. Though I share just a very small amount of personal information with Chris she still knows more about me then any person I knew before transferring to Dauntless – the exception being my brother, of course. Sometimes I feel my own walls around me suffocating me but I am not ready to dismantle them. They were my protection for so long now and I am not sure if I will ever feel comfortable enough to let someone in and do the protection.

Growing up in Candor no one ever told Christina to shut up because it was their virtue to be honest to a fault and their pastime activity to debate over their truths. At first it was hard for me to get used to it. Some remarks stung, others where far out of my comfort zone and most of the things she tells me tell me about herself in one way or another. I am not sure if she does this on purpose or because she was raised that way. Either way it makes her very likable and I can see what Will sees in her – the fire, passion, temper, humor and all around the good heart.

* * *

As I walk down to the cafeteria with Chris and she talks about her painful cramps whenever she is on her period I don't mind that the topic touches parts I never thought about sharing. In Abnegation we were taught what to do about the side effects of becoming a woman and apart from the lessons in biology and a few chosen words from a woman in the council that was all education Abnegation girls got on that topic. So it was with hot cheeks and a bit embarrassment on my part and blunt words on Christina's that we enter the cafeteria to see that Will and Al saved us a seat.

I listen to Chris going on about how her hair is never doing the things she wants when she is having her strawberry week as she calls them. We nearly reach the desk and I notice that there are other people with us as well. I take a short look around and falter in my steps for a moment. Eric is sitting with people I don't know – his friends I suppose. He doesn't look up and I try to not look at him or anywhere near him. Instead I try to take in the people he sits with.

They all look typical Dauntless – pierced, tattoos adorning different body parts, dressed in all black. At first glance they seem nice enough: open faces, sharing laughs and small anecdotes. It would be interesting to watch him interact with people he liberally meets in his time off a while longer but I don't want to be caught staring, so I just sit down and keep my curiosity in check.

"So, the jobs they offer aren't really bad, don't you think?" Will says eagerly. Leave it to a former Erudite to speak about employment, I think to myself and chuckle lowly.

"Only if you are ranked in the top five." I say with a smile on my face. It doesn't really concern me at the moment. Though the information we got where pretty interesting and the jobs quite fascinating I want to get through initiation first and foremost before thinking about it. As far as I can tell with the little facts we received at the beginning of initiation I am somewhere in the middle of the ranking and that is ok. Amar told me on one morning that stage two can change everything again and people that might have been struggling with the physical part can exceed expectations. I try to imagine what a test to qualify our emotional and mental strength would look like but I haven't the slightest idea.

"You are right, but the guards at the fence seemed nice enough, so I think I won't have a problem to take up that job if I rank lower." That was Al and I flinch a bit, risking a look at Eric. He is looking right back and I know he thinks about the things I said about Al and that he wouldn't make it. Try as I may I don't look back to my tray, the food having lost any appeal. I try to swallow the lump in my throat as I really study Eric's features for the first time. His eyes are the most striking thing at least for me. The microdermals just helping with that. He has a straight nose, pale lips and the light helps me to identify a slight five o'clock shadow. I try to imagine what it would feel like to have my cheek or hand rubbing against it, if it would prickle, be pleasant or annoying. His jaw is broad and strong and just fits in with the rest of him. A thought suddenly makes itself at home in my head: He is devilishly handsome. I lick my lips. I see him furrow his brow.

Eric suddenly breaks our staring contest because one of his friends elbows him, maybe to get his attention or opinion on something he said. I shake my head and scowl at myself for being so caught up in his looks. I swallow the lump in my throat and take up a slice of tomato to continue eating. I just realize myself that the conversation flow without me and I am a bit startle about how much of my attention was on Eric only – it frightens me and I blush. I take a huge gulp of my water and close my eyes for a moment.

"Tris? Everything alright?" Chris looks at me concerned and goes as far as to place a hand on my forehead just like my mother did when she thought I caught a cold or the flu. I push her hand away, standing up quickly and nearly stumbling. I take a deep breath and stop in my movement for a moment. I search for the calmness in my mind because I clearly make a fool out of myself right now.

"Yeah, Chris. Everything's just fine." Will and Al look up as well now, throwing me concerned glances and I mentally cringe. I try to placate all three of them with a half-smile.

"I will just take a quick stroll around the pit or go to the training room. So, see you later." I slightly smile at Chris again, reassuring I hope, and she nods frowning, casting a glance to the end of the table, probably spotting Eric. I need to get away. I thought after two days of not seeing him it would be easy to forget my physical attraction and just go on as if I never made that realisation about myself. I take a last glance back, he is looking at me but this time with a self-satisfied grin. I send him a scowl and regret it a second later. Now he knows I am not as calm as my usual self because of him.

I leave the cafeteria not running because I won't add to his ego and blow it up even more. I decide to go to the training room and spend my frustration and anger on getting better at my punches.

* * *

My breathing is labored. My body needs a break but I push it a little further. I don't want to pass out in the middle of the training room though so I take a short pause afterwards. I go to the washroom and gulp down large portions of icy water throwing some of it on my face and neck as well. The water cools my skin and I close my eyes for a moment. I try to loosen my shoulders a bit, massaging them with my hands and sigh when I feel a bit of the tension go away. When I go back into the training room I take a short look at the old clock. Half past one and my mind still hasn't stopped to give me a break.

Two days ago I wasn't really concerned about my appreciation of Eric's body shrugging it of as something normal. Anybody has something that appeals to his or her perception of beauty or attractiveness. I am no exception to this rule even though I never indulged in it before. But now it concerns me because all I could see back there was his face. I was so unaware though I always make it a point to keep an eye on everything around me. Old habits die hard and this one is quite practical. I openly stared at him, at his features and forgot everything else. I am not sure what makes him so special, makes him the first person I consider or has any effect on me in that way.

I guess maybe because I grew up in Abnegation I didn't go through the normal process of getting to know boys and maybe even get a first embarrassing kiss after which we couldn't look at each other without blushing a deep red. I missed out on it and it never bothered me before. But maybe it's the root for my curiosity. He is the first man that noticed me or is it the other way around and I noticed him? Maybe I noticed him because I left my Faction and suddenly had the freedom to indulge in things like this? Maybe he is just my type or whatever Christina has dubbed Will to be for her. Or I am just overanalysing the whole situation and my behavior. I crouch down to do some sit-ups and huff at the irony that Eric showed me how to do them correctly. Suddenly I hear the squeaking of the door.

"I thought I would find you here." I groan but stay in my position. His shadow falls on me and I concentrate on my breathing. It's not fair to disrespect him like that but at the moment he is the last person I want to see – at least until I figured out how to put a damper to this annoying attraction to his body.

"What can I do for you?" My voice is clipped and I know I just sound like a stubborn child but I can't help myself. I even go as far as to roll my eyes. Suddenly he pulls me up, his hand on my left upper arm is slightly painful and when I lift my eyes to his I see them becoming their angry dark grey.

"Whatever gave you the impression that you can treat me like this, get it out of your head." His voice is low, intimidating, but I still look at him with defiance in my eyes, too stubborn and still caught up in my musings. It seems to trigger something in him, his eyes getting darker even.

"Just because I looked after you, Stiff, gives you no right to treat me like I am some scum like you're so called friends. If you make it magically through initiation and I am ninety percent sure you will fail I will be one of your Leaders. Make sure you have that in mind when you decide to act like a stupid spoiled child again, initiate." His speech leaves me without air and I pale. He thinks I am weak and will fail initiation. He thinks I am weak. He loosens his hand on my arm and I realize on some level that he looks apologetic for possibly leaving bruises there. I move back a bit, my back hitting the cold grey cement wall. My arm is my last problem at the moment. My eyes burn and I have to stay calm. He will never see me cry. Not because of him or anyone.

"I am sorry." I whisper under my breath but he seems to hear my words because his shoulders aren't as tense anymore and his eyes widen for a moment becoming lighter by the second. I feel ashamed for acting like this and I want to make sure he believes me.

"You are right. I shouldn't have acted that way. It won't happen again, I promise, Eric." I look up at him then because I have to face the problems that are my fault at least two-third of the time.

"Get your jacket, I will wait for you." He says and it seems as soon as the storm came it is gone again. While my mind tries to wrap itself around the fact that he thinks I won't make it through initiation I nod mechanically, go to where I left my jacket and my long-sleeved shirt. For a split second I realise he can see a part of my tattoo. But I don't care, it isn't a secret and it doesn't matter if he is the first person to get a glimpse of it or not. He thinks I am weak. When I return he already went to the door, leaning against the wall next to it.

"Where are we going?" I ask, my voice calm and a bit strained because I haven't slept for the last twenty hours and _he thinks I am weak_.

"We celebrate a Dauntless tradition today." I follow him to the tracks without saying a word. It is all about perception I tell myself again. If he thinks I am weak I won't pass the first stage and he made it clear that he thinks that I will fail. It hits a nerve within me on more than one level. I feel a raw pain spread through me and I try to locate it. It seems to originate from three different parts of me. The first being that I can't stand it when anyone thinks I am weak, the second that Eric things I am weak and the third is a mixture of fear and losing my brother. I take deep breaths, calm myself down and build a new wall to protect my resolve. I will make it through initiation, I will be Dauntless. The rest of the way I get myself under control again keeping my distance from Eric. We are the first to arrive at the tracks. I look around a bit suspicious because there isn't a soul out here.

"What kind of tradition are you talking about?" I ask him. I am glad my voice isn't timid and that my new wall seems to be stable enough for the moment. I am a bit surprised that I needed a new one but that only proves I let Eric come too close – unconsciously to him fortunately.

"Capture the flag." He answers casually. His voice sounds more relaxed now and he seems to look forward to it. If this game can put him into a good mood then maybe it can do the same for me and distract me from the events of the past hour.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	14. Chapter 13

_(Updated: 27.02.2015) - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

**Chapter 13**

We have to wait a few minutes before Amar shows up and stay silent. It gives me a bit more time to find my middle again that I desperately need. Amar raises his eyebrow as he sees me standing next to Eric. I ask myself what he thinks why I am here before anyone else.

"I woke the initiates up. They should be here in five." Amar tells Eric who nods and glances at me.

"Take a gun, Stiff." I flinch a bit because of the insult and go to the box full of weapons. I grab ammunition too and stay further away from the two instructors. As Amar predicted the first large group of people approaches us and goes straight to the box of guns. I don't recognize anyone of them as an initiate from my group so I think that they could be the Dauntless-born initiates. Some of them don't even look at me, some nod in my direction. One boy looks at me and comes over.

"You are the first jumper, aren't you?" He asks and I am a bit taken aback by his bluntness. Leave it to the Dauntless-born to be even more straight to the point than my friend Chris.

"Yeah, it's Tris." I say extending out my hand and hoping I get the handshake just right.

"Uriah, nice to meet you." He has dark playful eyes, a handsome and open face and I take a direct liking to him.

"Same." I answer and he stays next to me.

"I am so excited for this. My brother told me all about his initiation and said that Capture the flag was defiantly a highlight!" His energy spreads to me and I find myself smiling in anticipation alongside him. I see Eric throwing a short glance in our direction, his brows scrunched together a bit as Uriah and I talk a bit more. Uriah seems to have a very likable character, he is outgoing and I find myself enjoying the small talk we keep up until the transfers approach us not even half as energetic as the Dauntless-born. I guess having lived here their whole lives they are far better prepared than we could ever be. Wouldn't I have ended up in the training room I would probably be as groggy as the rest of my class. But I overcame the point of tiredness and am awake enough, though feeling a bit funny.

"Everyone, grab a gun!" Eric shouts and that seems to wake everyone up, the light chatter and small laughter slowly vanishing into the night.

"The train should be here any minute now." Amar says and takes a look to his left. Just after he said it there is a distant sound. The unrecognizable sound turns into a rattling and the rattling is soon joined by a light that as the train approaches our position grows bigger.

"Get ready to jump." Eric shouts again and everyone takes a few steps forward. I use the strap of the gun to wrap it on my back to have my hands free. As it is time to get onto the train I realise that it is far easier than the last time I tried it and even slightly easier than when we visited the fence two days ago. My hard work seems to pay off.

I lean against the wall of the train and Christina joins me soon later.

"Where were you?" She asks and takes a look around. Her face shows forced indifference and I am a bit confused.

"Oh, you know, in the training room, to work on my punches." I reply casually.

"For four hours?" Her voice sounds incredulously, her mask slips and she lets her eyes linger uncomfortable on my frame. I just nod.

"How did you know that we needed to go to the tracks because we play some game in the middle of the night?" Chris sounds suspicious now even though there is nothing to be suspicious about. Where else should I have been?

"Eric found me and told me." I simply reply. But as simple as it is for me it doesn't seem to be for Christina because she purses her lips, her eyes now glinting with something I don't know where to put. She opens her mouth to say something but Amar speaks up then.

"We are here to play a game of Capture the Flag. It's a Dauntless tradition and your performance tonight will influence your ranking. You will be split into two teams, Eric and I being the captains. Your task is to work out a strategy and get the enemy's flag before they get yours. Any questions?" Amar looks around and Drew speaks up.

"What's there to win?" Eric snorts just as a few Dauntless-born do the same.

"Only a transfer could ask that question. The glory of victory of course. Now that that is cleared, Eric, will you begin?" So they pick us and my stomach turns a bit. I don't know what would be better. To be in Eric's team or staying away from him and hoping for Amar to see some potential in choosing me to join him.

"I take the Stiff." I shut my eyes, taking a short breath, smiling shortly at Chris who doesn't answer my friendly gesture. My face falls into a neutral mask and I make my way over to Eric. I won't begin to ask myself what I did wrong that she brushed me off like that. I will concentrate on the task at hand: winning this game.

* * *

We reach our destination, a group of lush trees that we decided would give us enough cover to plan our next steps as we exit the train after Amar's team headed off. In my group are no friendly faces – Edward, Peter, Drew and Molly. My friends are with Amar.

"Lights out." Eric's voice is calm and we gather around our captain. "What's your plan?"

"Search for a good hiding spot for the flag and ambush them." Peter says without a second thought and I snort. He throws me a poisonous glance.

"What was that, Stiff?" He growls at me only a few inches from my face. I think about the things Christina told me on our second day and I can't suppress my animalistic barring of teeth. I push him back with a bit more force then planned. It seems to take him by surprise because he stumbles back a few more steps but unfortunately without falling over.

"Oh, just you being stupid again, I guess. But what's there to expect from a Candor smart-mouth." My voice is cold and I am slightly gleeful that I didn't even had to think about a comeback. Some other members of our group chuckle and I smile to myself.

"Ah, so the Stiff is a strategic mastermind now." He tries to get a rise out of me, his lips form a cruel smile. But I won't give him the satisfaction.

"Actually no, but I have an idea." I say, keeping my voice calm and as quiet as possible. If the other group is looking for us I don't want to give them an idea by raising my voice. Peter snorts this time, joined by Drew and Molly. I scoff mentally – not a single backbone in their body.

"Let's hear about it." Edward says, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. It seems he feels the tension as clearly as I can. I look at Eric, making sure he doesn't have anything to say to that but I shouldn't have bothered because he just stands there, arms holding his own gun, aloof and distant and cold.

"Someone should go to a higher ground, trying to spot them. The flag should be visible because the moon isn't full yet. When we find their location four of us stay here, and we build two more groups. One to distract them, the other to take the flag." I take a deep breath and wait for their judgement. When nobody says anything Eric steps forward.

"Sounds as good as any other plan. Who will look for it?"

"It has to be someone light. These trees don't look very solid." A girl speaks up, half of her head shaved. No one seems to be really up to it so the girl sighs.

"Ok, I will do it." She walks to one of the higher trees and I follow her. She seems to be quite confident and when she comes down again she nods.

"I have found it. They are to the west, hiding in some ruins. As far as I can tell they are split up as well, but I couldn't see very clearly so I have no idea how many where guarding their flag." We decide on four people that stay behind. Drew, Molly, Eric and two bulky Dauntless-born are assigned to be on the distraction party. That leaves Edward, the girl that scouted and me to get the flag. There isn't anything to say anymore and we head out to fulfill our different tasks.

We try to use as much cover as possible when we head in their direction. Bushes with yellow, brown and green leaves surround as and we soon arrive at the first ruins, ducking for cover there. The wind bites our faces, the first cold signs of autumns fast approaching. Our boots are covered in mutt, the ground wet and slippery from rain.

"I'm Lynn by the way." the girl says randomly as we hide behind a lonesome wall half way to our destination.

"I am Edward and this is Tris." Edward replies and we wait for a few more moments because we hear shouts in the distance. It seems our distraction has found some of the members of the other team. We have to make quick work before we lose too many people.

"I know her. The first jumper. Abnegation, right?" Lynn says, eyeing me in a way that is not quite comfortable for me. I scowl at her.

"Not anymore. I am Dauntless." She grins and we continue, using a few silent signs that where taught to us in training. As we are close to our goal I make a sign to let both of them wait. I take my hair back into a ponytail and hold it behind me as I crouch down on the ground and look around the corner. I show them that there are three people. I signal them that we wait two more minutes even though I feel the urge to act but we have to make sure that no one patrols the area.

Edward points to himself and Lynn and makes a gesture with his weapon. So they want to take down the guards while I get the flag. I nod and ready myself to jump out of our cover. At the last minute I decide against it. I signal them that they shall wait for a moment. I take a silent breath and make my way to a better position to approach the flag. This way I can stealthily get to it the flag and secure our victory in case Lynn and Edward are out before taking down the guards. I make eye contact with Lynn, she nods and I count down with my fingers.

3, 2, 1 and then there is chaos. I jump out from my hiding place and run, head down and in a ducked posture. I hear the guns go off and someone swears colorfully. I just grab the flag and a loud cheer explodes from my mouth. We win! The guards lower their weapons and hang their heads.

Edward and Lynn cheer alongside me as I am holding up the flag. The feeling of triumph is exhilarating and I think my face will split into half if I smile any wider. Edward throws me over his shoulder and carries me back to our group. I laugh and don't care that he is far too close for my comfort. Adrenalin is still pulsing through my veins and when he sets me down again I am in the middle of the rest of our group. My cheeks are warm and the flag of the other team goes from hand to hand. I feel alive and powerful and Dauntless-ly free in that moment in time when nothing counts except our victory.

Soon the other team arrives and Lynn boasts about our victory to Uriah. He just shoves her playfully and says something along the lines that his brother won't let him live it down. I find myself next to Eric when we make our way back. His expression is unreadable as ever although I have the feeling something bothers him.

"Very Erudite of you." He comments and I look at him, my confusion clearly displayed in my furrowed brows.

"Your plan." He explains and I just shrug. Well, it was one of my aptitudes and coming from him I decide it is meant as a compliment. He should know what it means because he was an Erudite once.

"Looks like the Stiff has a new fan now." The snarky remark comes from Peter and I suppress the urge to turn around and plant my fist into his face. The high I felt for winning fading slightly. Eric stays quiet.

Just before we reach the tracks of the train an arm slides around my shoulders and I look up to find Uriah next to me.

"So, tell me, Trissy, how did you come up with that brilliant plan of yours?" His voice is playful and I don't find any signs of a sour mood in his face for losing. I take a glance next to me and see Eric frown before he speeds up his steps and joins Amar.

"Trissy?" I ask him and shove him a bit away from me.

"You don't like it?"

"Nah, not really. Tris is already a short form, so let's just stick with that, ok?"

"Fine with me." He smiles down at me and my mouth moves into a grin as well. And even though I feel exhausted to the bone, the argument with Eric is still fresh on my mind and like I could fall over at any moment there is also a lightness inside of me that lifts a weight I didn't know was this heavy. I enjoy the feeling, bath in it really and I think I belong here. Not just in Dauntless but with these people that annoy me sometimes, make me angry or laugh or smile or even hurt me. Just as I think that my eyes land on Christina who stands with Will and Al and then they meet the light grey ones of Eric. Yes, I think, it is just a week but they already are a part of me.

* * *

The next day's pass by in a blur of training, eating and sleeping. The victory intense just a few hours ago dims down to a small flame and the everyday life is back with full force. Before the fire goes out completely I decide to visit Tori and make it permanent. I want to keep the feeling after the victory, the sense of belonging and of a real family with me everywhere.

"Hey there, shorty." Tori greets me before I get a glimpse of her. I turn around and smile slightly. She is leaning over a Dauntless I don't know working on some dices.

"Hey Tori. I wanted to ask you if you have time but I see you are busy so I just..." I point to the door uncertainly.

"No, wait just a second. George?!" she yells and her brother appears from behind a screen. He looks at Tori, raising an eyebrow.

"Could you help Tris? I am busy as you can see and you could be useful for one time in your life." Her grin is cheeky and George flips her off. Tori chuckles alongside her costumer. I just scoff, the smile still on my face. It's still strange to see love expressed in that way, not that I know much with my limited experiences.

"Sure thing, sis. So, Tris, what I can help you with?" He leads me behind the screen and I sit down.

"I want the dauntless flame here." I pull of my jacket, just sitting there in my tank top, show him my right arm and point to the inner side of it, just below the elbow.

"That won't take long." George grabs his utensils and disinfects the area, the liquid cold on my hot skin and I shiver for a moment. I relax, massaging my right shoulder with my left hand, trying to get the tension out of it for just a moment. I hum slightly when I feel the muscle loose for a bit and as George starts to work I am only half aware of the pain the needle causes as the black ink is injected in my skin.

"So I heard you won your Capture the flag?" I never talked to George except that one time as he made fun of me for my bruised face. So I am a bit taken aback he would speak up and try on small talk.

"Yep." I pop the p, don't hide the pride in my voice and I am slightly curious how anyone else out of the initiates and instructors would know about it. "How come you know about it?"

"Please." He elongates the single word and grins at me cheekily, I chuckle softly. "It's a dauntless tradition and besides all the cool and boring stuff we can do here the results of the game are always something everyone looks forward to. To remember, I guess." His voice is gentle and has a soft vocal tone I like.

"Did you win when you were an initiate?"

"Hmpf. No I didn't but Tori did. She was in the other team. She never lets me live it down and every year she reminds me in her own way what an annoying winner she can be." I don't hear any sort of anger in his voice and when I look down the corners of his mouth are still up in an affectionate smile. As a second thought he adds: "Hm, and I think I wouldn't want it any other way anyway."

"You really care about each other, I guess." George looks up, pausing again and eyes me for a moment. Then he sighs.

"I don't know what I would do without her. She is the most precious thing in my life. But don't you dare tell her so." I snicker a moment and he scoffs, challenging me with a warning glare.

"I know what you mean." I tell him and his brown eyes widen in slight surprise but I don't meet them and just stare at the wall in front of me. We stay silent until he leans back, takes a good look at his work and grabs the crème from behind him. The skin is a bit sensitive to the touch but George is careful and when he stands up I take the tattoo in and stare in amazement back to George. He just shrugs with a grin on his handsome face. He modified the symbol a bit. In the flames there seems to be a small figure, a fragile bird whose wings merge with the flames around it. A very beautiful piece of work only visible if you take a very close look otherwise it would just appear to be the normal Dauntless symbol.

"Thank you. It is really beautiful." My smile is grateful and for a moment he lays his hand down on my shoulder. I can be mistaken but there seems to be a new understanding between us, a small connection between two people loving their siblings with everything they are. It doesn't make me uncomfortable.

"You are very welcome." He puts some bandages on the arm and waving to Tori and him I am about to exit the parlor just to brush against the shoulder of another person. I look back and apologize meeting the grey eyes of Eric. He just nods and we both turn around.

* * *

Eric keeps his distance and I am happy about that. We don't have to interact a lot but when we do there is always a lot of space between us. After everything that happened and the mean comments from Peter that continued even after that night of Capture the flag I was feeling slightly better. I didn't feel too pressed to think about Eric specifically my new wall working.

Eric doesn't hear the comments Peter hisses at me or he chooses to ignore it. It irks me to some degree because he should make sure that Peter knows his place just as he did with me but he stays silent, raises an eyebrow and throws Peter a dismissing glance. I ignore the former Candor and his cruel remarks as best as I can but my neck and cheeks always start to burn and my fists shake a bit and I try to hide it as good as possible. I don't want to back down, don't want to give him the pleasure of seeing me riled up about the things he insinuates.

The only way I think he would stop it would be if I win against him in a fight – show him his place or something like that. Unfortunately so far I wasn't paired up with him and the first stage quickly comes to a close. I fought against Will and barely won, Al just gave up after I hit him with a few punches and I lost against Edward.

I haven't really spoken with Christina and I feel slightly troubled by it. I still don't know what I could have done to earn her distance and the right moment to ask her didn't come up till now. Will and Al try to mediate between us, though for the most part I try to stay away from them. When I am with someone of my former group I am with Al. His presence is relaxing because he is such a friendly person to be around and I feel ashamed that I think so little of him. But maybe I have to accept that about myself. I can appreciate his personality, be on friendly terms with him and I am able to see his good sides. And when it comes down to finding our place in the society, to finding our spot in Dauntless I just see the coward. I may be not fair but apart from all the other things that are on my mind I feel the least bit bothered by it.

More times than not I am joined at lunch and supper by Uriah and Lynn who introduce Marlene to me. I don't really mind and I just act like I did with Chris, Will and Al trying not to get too attached and still being a part of the initiates. Sometimes Uriah has to poke me a few times to join in their silly banters and sometimes Marlene stops him because she just seems to sense that I don't want to be included.

Marlene is a nice girl, really beautiful, with a few quirks that make her so much more likeable and I discover that Uriah and she are flirting with one another none stop. It's sometimes embarrassing to see and I get the feeling that Lynn feels put out. So I made it my duty to talk with her more often and side with her on quarrels concerning the budding relationship between Mar – Lynn's nickname for her not mine – and Uriah earning small grateful smiles from Lynn.

The three are long-time friends growing up together in Dauntless and they share a bond I didn't have with anyone in Abnegation. It's fascinating to watch how they pass each other things from their tray without the need to talk or even look at each other to communicate. I discover that Lynn is a pretty sarcastic person with strong views about what Dauntless should be like and when I tell her about my fights and training she cheers for me, says something like "you kick some serious ass, babe" or shoves me playfully when I lose and tells me not to give up. Although our timetables are really different from another and we don't train together we find some time to just talk for a bit even it is just in passing.

The rest of my time I spend in the training room and sometimes Al joins me, sitting on a mat instead of training himself and tells me about his past. His voice is gentle and soothing and I smile because his family seems quite adorable. I notice him glancing at me more times than not and it makes me uncomfortable. While I am not versed in the ways of love or affection I know what he sees in me – the small, quiet girl with the big grey-blue eyes that waits for a man to protect her – and that besides his open show of cowardice makes me angry as well and dislike him a bit more. Every time I find him staring I scoff – as if I am that girl. So I try to discourage Al's growing affection for me. Whenever he puts an arm around me or tries to stand closer than acceptable I just brush it off. I know it hurts him and one of these days I think we have to talk about it – as uncomfortable as it is for me. With that thought in mind I make my way from the training room to the dorm to shower and get a fresh set of clothes.

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_Thanks for reading - review please._


	15. Chapter 14

_(Updated: 27.02.2015) - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle. And a big thank you to the reviews recently posted. _

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

**Chapter 14**

When I enter the dorm everyone seems to be gone except Al. I take a deep breath and think that today is as good a time as ever. I had hoped to be freshly showered, wearing comfortable clothes as a way to prepare myself for this really awkward conservation – though I guess I just try to find excuses and thinking about it, nothing really can prepare you for it.

"Al?" I cautiously approach him and realize with a mental scowl that he just wiped away some tears. What is there to cry about now?

"Hey Tris." He seems cheerful enough and slides a bit to the right of his cot to make room for me. I sit as far away from him without giving him the wrong impression. Before I can find a good start for this he speaks up again:

"It is my mother's birthday today." He opens his palm and in it I see a small photography. Al holds it up for me so I can take a closer look. It's of a gentle looking woman with blond hair just like his next to a man with his features. I try to find some part in me that can relate to him being sad that he isn't with his mother on her special day but I am unsuccessful. The concept of celebrating the day of birth of anyone is totally foreign to me.

"We never celebrated birthdays in Abnegation. It would be self-indulgent to do so. All there was a new set of clothes and then you just go back to your usual duties." I tell him without emotion. I don't know what he thinks but his eyes portray a sort of shock.

"That's awful. Celebrating a birthday is important. You have the whole family together and eat something nice and talk long after your normal bedtime. You can play with your cousins and have a lot of fun." I can't relate to having a family like that as well so I just shrug.

"I don't think I missed something important. It's just a day that signifies that you are a year older. The only thing I enjoyed about it was that I could make more things on my own – taking up responsibility, you know." Al seems to think about that for a moment and nods.

"I can see you approaching it like that what with your Abnegation background and the way you are." He pauses, his eyes lingering again on his photo. If I would be an egocentric person I would take his comment about my background as an insult, but I know that Al likes me so I just accept it as his perception of me.

"I just wish I could hug her and tell her I love her." I try to come up with anything to cheer him a bit up, my actual reason for our conversation long forgotten.

"Visiting day is at the end of the week and I am sure they will come to see you. So just get her something from one of the shops. You are Dauntless now" I flinch a bit at my own words "and this way you can give her something from the new Al." His face lights up and I know I said the right words. He pulls me into one of his hugs and I stiffen. Al is a friend and I trust him but I am still uncomfortable with anyone's touch that isn't my brother. Or maybe not anyone's because one person beside my brother seems to be the exception from this rule.

I pry his arms away, sending him a hopefully encouraging smile and leave him to his thoughts to get my own mind to settle down. I turn to the showers, taking a change of clothes with me. As I start to undo the bandage from my new tattoo I hear the door close. I sigh.

This whole conversation about family and happy memories was a bit too much. My life is the only reality I know and a long time ago I accepted that as a fact. No matter how much I wish I could still be with my mother and brother it's in the past. No matter how much I wish I could act like Uriah, Lynn and Marlene, be open and carefree I can't. And most of the time that is completely fine with me – I like myself the way I am. But listening to Al's short flashback makes me feel like I am a broken record. It has a beginning and an end but everything in between when the scenes change to something important or there is a plot twist my record is blank or an hour of just parasitic images even though there should be a story to be told about my life.

I push these depressing thoughts aside – I have this one life and I shouldn't compare it to others. I don't know what they went through and they don't know what happened to me so it would be a waste of energy to cry about something that can't be changed. And while I push all those thoughts away and my mind rests at last I can't help the dark clenching feeling around my heart.

**LINEBREAK**

I enter the room and I see a new list for the fights. I approach the chalkboard and Amar isn't too far away from it. I glance at it for a couple of seconds and then I sigh in relief. I am up against Peter. I look in his direction and he has trained his eyes on me. I raise a challenging eyebrow and turn around again. For a short moment I meet Amar's eyes and I nod. When I pass him to get to the track for a few rounds to warm up he says:

"Make good use of it." I falter in my steps before going on as if nothing happened and he didn't just give me his permission to take revenge for the times Peter insulted me or insinuated something dirty. I am not sure if Amar should do something like that. He is our instructor and shouldn't chose a side. But maybe he isn't as detached as I thought he was and maybe he has seen Peter for the person he is even before anyone else did. No matter the reason I plan on doing just what he said. I go through my warm up routine until Eric calls us together.

"First fight: Drew and Christina." I watch as both of them get ready, Peter making some remark and Drew snickering because of it, Will squeezing Chris' shoulder for a few seconds. She passes me and I grab her arm in a spur of the moment kind of thing.

"Drew lets his protection down when he punches and he isn't very fast when he tries to get up again." I whisper urgently, softly squeezing her arm to get my point across. Chris looks at me, weighing me, our fight I still don't know the reason for and the advice I just gave her. She nods, smiles a bit and continues into the ring. Eric observed the whole scene but when I try to see what he thinks about it I don't see anything, as ever. It's quite frustrating and I look back to the ring.

"Begin." Amar's calm voice starts the fight and Drew goes down on Chris, punching her in the shoulder and she stumbles a bit. She hisses to let go of the pain and ready's herself for the next punch. Till now she didn't try to kick or hit him herself, just watching his movements, the way he swings out his primary arm to punch and lets his left arm drop. When Drew tries to hit her again, Christina takes a step to the side and simultaneously hits him square in his left midsection. Before he can recover she kicks at his knee as well. Drew cries out in pain but stands up faster than I have expected him to.

Chris sidesteps his angry swing at her face and lets her fist crash against his face. Drew tries desperately to get the ringing to stop in his ears, I guess because he shakes his head again and again. I see a smile form on Christina's lips and I want to call out to her that she still has to be on her guard but it is already too late because Drew gets her in the stomach with a heavy blow and I hear Chris muttering a curse, her breath labored. Now she is concentrating again.

They circle each other, Drew hobbling from the kick he got against his knee. I feel a hand on my shoulder and look behind me. Will smiles and points to my hands. They are clenched so tight my knuckles turned white and I relax them feeling the slight pain leaving them. When I turn back Drew is again trying to punch Chris, but she is faster, hits him hard in the face and he lands on his back. This time Chris pins him down, elbowing him in the face and he goes unconscious. She wins and I am relieved. I know Chris is strong and a good fighter but I can't help to feel the pressure of the upcoming ranking and I hope with all that is in me that my friend will make it to the second stage.

Will helps her to a bench at the sideline that is just a few feet away from where I stand and Chris sits down, breath still labored but with a carefree smile. She sends Will a playful and grateful smile then her eyes turn to me. She watches me for a moment, takes in my crossed arms and possibly neutral face.

"Thank you, Tris." And just like that I think I am forgiving for whatever I did. I answer with a small smile of my own. She looks down on her red knuckles and back, opening her mouth to say something but she is interrupted by Eric's voice.

"Next: Peter and the Stiff." I swallow my sudden nervousness, closing my eyes for a moment before taking of my jacket, rolling my shoulders to let the tension fade away a bit. When I open them again, Chris and Will look at me with a concerned glint in their eyes. I scoff for a second but let the emotion disappear. They are my friends and just because they worry they don't belittle me. I reassure them with a determined nod even though I think they should have done that for me. After a look down to my tattooed arm, the Dauntless flame burning on my pale skin I feel bravery fill me. I will win this fight, I will show him that I earn everything I do. I will prove it to him and everyone.

Peter is already in the ring, jumping slightly from one food to the other, shaking his arms next to him. His eyes are dark with determination and maybe even hate. I don't think Peter is a nice person at all – not after what Chris told me anyway – but I still ask myself for a second with what I earned his hate. What did I do that he picked me right from the beginning to torture and hate. It has to be something personal because you don't spend energy on something or someone that you feel indifferent about or have no connection to – emotionally or mentally. And hate needs a lot of time and energy to be fed and contained. The whole concept is foreign to me. Sure, I hated Eric at some point, but it was just a fleeting emotion leaving me as soon as it was there. I shake my head, getting rid of my musings and looking to Eric just like Peter does.

"Begin." He says, his arms crossed over his chest, his face as indifferent as ever.

"What's up, Stiff?" Peter nearly yells the nickname some people dubbed me with, his eyes alight with fire, his mouth pulled into a grimace as if he tastes something foul.

"You look as if you will cry any second now. If you cry I may go easy on you." I scoff. He should know that his taunts won't help him and that I don't react to it. It seems he realises it as well and instead of continuing I see his shoulder tense and he goes after me.

I evade Peter's first attempt at a hit, ducking under his arm, but he is fast on his feet and to react and nearly hits me with his knee in the stomach. I can deflect it with my left hand, my right hand still shielding my face as good as possible. The strength behind his kick lets me stumble but I use it to get behind his back and bring my elbow down in between his shoulder blades. He trips a bit but doesn't fall. I hear him hiss softly. Bony elbows for the win, I think for a moment.

We circle each other and I know him his livid because I got the first contact. He narrows his eyes and I look to his feet. I had enough time throughout the last week to study any opponent I may have to fight and I know Peter does a lunge with his right foot before he goes for the face with a punch. I evade it and go for his throat but before I can reach it his left knee connects painfully with my midsection letting me breathless and in immense pain. His left fist gets me in the jaw, I feel my lip split from the impact and I fall to the side but don't stay there rolling over my shoulder and onto my feet again. He smirks self-satisfied as I brush off the blood on my chin. I try desperately to get some air into my lungs. My cheek and jaw are throbbing with pain. His punch resembles a bull's charge, I think for a moment and then an idea enters my mind: Maybe if I seem to be nearly defeated he will make a mistake.

So I slump forward a bit, take deep wheezing breaths and do everything to seem desperate – not that I have act that part too much. He lunges again and I see my chance. I deflect his left incoming fist, going behind him again and kicking him into the backside of his knee. He goes down and I jump on the occasion and plant myself on him, trying to press down his hips with my own, his arms pinned under my knees. I bring my fist up to punch him square in the face and do it. I want to repeat my move but I underestimate his strength or overestimated my own because he turns us around. I try to knee him into his side, fight to get him off of me. I feel him pressed against me and a cold panic invades my mind because it just is so uncomfortable and too close and because in this moment I realise I am about to lose this fight.

As he takes my head with his large, calloused hands, my knees still hitting him and my hands shoving at his shoulders, scratching him with my nails. I look up to him, his face doesn't spot a smile or anything resembling triumph, instead I see a small amount of respect in his eyes before he brings my head down and everything goes black.

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_Thanks for reading - review please. _

_On a personal note: Take a look at my "The Office" series: The Office, The Car, The Shower. SMUT. Have fun._


	16. Chapter 15

_Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle. She is the best. For all you people out there that wait for an update/new oneshot in "The Office" series - be brave! Just a few more hours and the next one will be published. _

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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**Chapter 15**

I wake up in the infirmary and a heavy feeling of defeat settles in my stomach. I lost the fight that held more meaning than a stupid ranking. I sigh, trying to push myself into a sitting position. My head throbs with a sharp pain and I bring my right hand up to find a bump on the back of my head. When my hand connects with it the pain spreads like spider webs throughout my whole scalp and I hiss. My limbs feel a bit heavy, my stomach sore. I push up my tank top and see a dark, angry bruise the blues and violets a stark contrast to my pale skin. It's quite fascinating to look at. I probe it with my finger just to be startled out of my examination by a voice:

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Eric stands at the foot of my bed, arms crossed, a thoughtful expression on his face I have never seen before. How long was he there without me noticing? I pull down my shirt quickly and even though there was nothing inappropriate he could have seen I blush in embarrassment. I clear my throat and push my hair back that has fallen into my face.

"How bad is it?" I ask him pointing to my head, my voice timid and I scowl at my behavior. I berate myself because there isn't anything I should feel timid of. I fought hard, I didn't let Peter just run over me and I can find pride in it.

"Nothing too serious. No concussion as far as they can tell. Nothing a pain reliever and some rest can't fix." He walks slowly to my side and sinks into the stool next to my bed with a grace I hadn't expected him to possess. I really need to stop judging people on their looks or at all really.

"You will be sore for a few days and you should take it easy." I snort because nothing is further from what I plan to do. I will sleep off the headache and go back to the training room in the morning. If anything the fight showed me that I need to work on my strength more. If I would have been strong enough Peter would be the one in this bed not me.

Eric seems to pick up my determination because he is suddenly standing, bowing over me, his arms capturing me between the bed and him. I in a knee-jerk reaction fall back onto my pillow. I am painfully aware of our closeness and I try to regulate my breathing, try to look anywhere but him, his lips, his eyes and forget about my physical attraction towards him. He grasps my chin and I hiss. He loosens his grip a bit taking in the bruise at my jaw. While his hand holds my chin softer now he still forces my face up so I have to look at him. I do so reluctantly. He watches my face for a moment, maybe even sees my chest heaving because my damn breathing won't calm down. I wonder for a moment what he sees in my eyes. They are a bit wider than normal and I can't control the things I want to show or not show at the moment. I hope they don't project the weakness I feel at the moment. Weakness for losing against Peter, weakness for my inability to control my emotions for him not to talk about my reaction. I am brought back from my musings when I see that Eric wants to say something. Before he can we are interrupted by steps presumably approaching my bed behind the curtain that separates it from the rest of the ward. Eric backs away, standing again at the foot of my bed, his expression serious, and his eyes a bit darker.

"I mean what I said. If you don't take it easy I'll make you." I don't doubt it and his imposing and dominant body underlines his more or less threat. I nod once, just to show him that I understand. His eyes linger a little longer taking in my face and my small body in the bed. It seems he needs to assure himself again that I will be fine. Then he turns around without another word. Just as he leaves Chris appears from behind the curtain.

"What was that about?" She looks back, probably watching Eric's retreating back. She turns back and I just shrug because I am not so sure myself.

"Just Eric being himself, I guess." Christina snorts and takes the seat Eric just vacated. She grabs one of my hands with hers and for a moment I feel the strong urge to separate our limbs because I just don't like to be touched. I scowl mentally and tell myself that that isn't a hundred percent true – two persons can touch me without me feeling like running away. I take a calming breath, the feeling soon vanishes and I just let her hold onto my hand.

"How are you feeling?" Her voice is a mixture of concern and affection. I smile slightly and realise again what a good person Christina is. She may have her faults, being too honest sometimes and her tactfulness could use some polishing but no one is without faults – we are all humans with flaws and I am no one to talk about flaws. Sometimes I think I am just flaws. I bring myself back from these thoughts and reply to her question.

"As good as I can be. Disappointed and a bit angry for losing, desperate to get out of here." Chris laughs for a moment, shaking her head at my priorities I guess.

"You did so well, Tris. Believe me. As for getting out of here: I asked a doctor if I could take you with me to the dorm but he said you have to stay the night and if you don't show any signs of lingering effects you can leave in the morning." I sigh. I would gladly leave the ward because I don't like the sterile air and it reminds me that I lost but I will stick to my decision and take it easy – at least until I am out of here. Eric's threat still fresh in mind and the pain coursing through my head making this decision even easier.

Chris fills me in about the other fights and tells me with glee that Peter limbs a bit and had to get ice for the swelling on his knee and face. At least I gave him something to remember me, I think with a small smile and listen to Chris' story. Apparently Will had lost his fight against Edward but wasn't feeling disappointed telling himself and everyone that listened that Edward studied self-defence books back in Erudite since he was ten and for this it was no surprise that he was the best out of all of us.

We don't touch the subject of her distance from me and it makes me slightly uncomfortable because she is a Candor transfer and can't lie even though she is now in Dauntless. But I let the worry slide from my mind. An hour later a nurse appears and gives me a pill to help with the pain. I swallow it with a glass of water and shortly after I feel a heavy tiredness spreading through my whole body. I yawn, trying to stifle it for the fifth time. Chris just smiles understandingly and stands.

"Get some rest. I will see you in the morning." I nod, my eyes already half shut.

"Night, Chris." I mumble, turning to my side and pulling the sheets up around me. While more comfortable then the cot I slept in for the last week I doubt I could sleep so well without the medicine the nurse gave me.

"Night, Tris." I hear her answering, my head feeling light and before she is gone I am already half asleep.

* * *

I slept in and don't feel too bad about it, because though I am still sore and the bump sensitive I feel refreshed. I meet up after breakfast with Will, Al and Chris. We enter the training room, the three of them talking about the upcoming Visiting Day and I listening to them. Over the last days the mixture of different smells – steel, dust, and sweat – changed into something comforting. I feel myself relax. At least when it comes to fighting, shooting and throwing the knives I know what I am facing. I can lose myself in practicing it, in lifting weights and push my body to exhaustion.

When it comes to Eric I am not sure what to expect – from him or from me. I tried to reason with myself, not too read too much into my attraction. I try to discover if there is possibly more than just the physical attraction and my curiosity of his person in general. I even thought about talking to Christina but dismissed it soon after. I don't feel comfortable about barring my most private thoughts to anyone. I have the strange feeling of possessiveness when it comes to my feelings for Eric. It's like I want to protect that small part of me even more fiercely then the others. That just adds up to this exhausting situation.

The short meeting with Eric yesterday in my hospital bed invades my mind and I am confused. About his behavior, about his threat and the way he acted. I can't practice understanding him and his motives like I do with shooting a gun. I am not even sure I still want to. He thinks I am weak and I had to build a new wall to stop myself from breaking because of this discovery.

Amar and Eric stand in front of the chalkboard. I see my name in the middle of the others and ask myself which name will be erased for good on the day after tomorrow. My stomach churns when I think about visiting day fast approaching now. Up to now I haven't really thought about it. I just hope I don't have to face him. Thinking back to the time my brother was an initiate father didn't bother to show up to his Visiting Day and I don't think he will show up to mine. The voice of my instructor stops any further musings.

"Initiates!" Amar begins, "Tomorrow you will accompany the initiates from Abnegation on their tour through the Factionless sector. You will be paired with Dauntless members and an initiate from Abnegation. Your task is to look out for them, to secure the parameter and make sure that no threat reaches them when the situation rises. This is a test and will influence your final ranking in stage one of your training heavily." I pale. Abnegation. I feel Eric's gaze on me that doesn't help in the slightest to keep me calm. Chris drops a supporting hand on my shoulder and I am grateful for the gesture and a bit surprised too. It has no effect on my mind that is troubled with worries but I know that she means well. I try to remember what the older Abnegation told us what initiation will be like and I try to remember if the council members will be present.

"You will meet us at 6 am sharp in this room. The list of your partners for this test will be posted this evening before supper. Make sure to get acquainted to them so you feel comfortable. Maybe even work on some strategies and think about which role each of you will play in protecting the Abnegation." With that he turns around and Eric steps forward.

"There won't be any fights today, we can't risk for anyone of you to hurt themselves and be out." His voice is uncaring and distant. "Get some exercise on the skills you still have trouble with." He leaves the room and I train my eyes on anything but his back. I see him glance over his shoulder for just a second then he is gone.

I help Christina with her punches and we agree on a small sparing match although she is a bit reluctant at first. But I get a good swing at her midsection and she realises I mean business with or without my injuries. Because she is taller than me I can practice some techniques to overthrow an opponent her size. Her blows though she held back are quite powerful and I have to concentrate on keeping my thoughts here with her. I just hope that everything will turn out to be ok, and I don't have to face anyone I don't feel comfortable with. I lose myself in our movements and forget about Eric and all the other things that still bother me.

* * *

The rest of the day is a blur of punches and kicks against a punching bag and sparing with Christina. When we finish our last fight the other initiates are all surrounding the chalkboard. Peter is throwing me a calculating, cold glance. I falter in my steps, a dark foreboding feeling in my bones. I just need to glance on the white paper for a few seconds and there is my name: Tris. Next to it: Eric. Of course he would make sure to be paired up with me – after his threat to take it easy I should have expected to be put with him if he participates in the task. His last attempt of cornering me was a failure thanks to Christina and I don't feel overly excited to work close with Eric at all. Not with all the confusion in my mind.

Christina glances at me, her eyes glinting with pity and disturbingly suspicion again. She is paired with a person named Four.

"Looks like Eric has his favorite again to work with. Maybe find some secluded corner tomorrow." Peter hisses into my ear. I didn't even notice that he came so close to me thanks to my overactive mind.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I say through gritted teeth, my neck hot and a sick feeling settles in my stomach. I knew he wouldn't leave me off the hook if I lose. Now I just have to bear it.

"Oh, you know. His favoritism for you. The way he cuddled you after your fight with Molly. I wouldn't be surprised if you fucked him to earn your rank at the end of stage one." I want to punch him in his arrogant face for even thinking about this nonsense. Trying as I may I cannot think of a comeback that doesn't sound pathetic or like a poor excuse. So I huff and look to Christina and what I see makes bile rise in my throat. Her face spots a frown and she is looking from me to Peter. I feel my face heat up, turn on my heels and walk away. I can't believe that she even contemplated the lies Peter tells to be true after everything she herself went through because of him.

* * *

I don't want to see their suspicious glances so I just keep to myself for the rest of the evening and walk around the compound without a real goal. I briefly pause at the chasm, the loud rushing of the water beneath me drowning the voices in my head for a moment. I feel like crying and raging at the same time. I feel betrayed because Chris thought and even though it was just for a moment that Peter could be right – that I earned my rank because I gave Eric sex or anything sexual for that matter in exchange for a good rank.

That she would think I would drop that low and after the things she saw me do... after yesterday when I helped her win in the only way possible. But then again I shouldn't be surprised or feeling hurt. It is my own fault that I feel betrayed. I let her in at least a bit. If I had stayed alone like I wanted to in the beginning, not getting attached to anyone I wouldn't have to deal with these things now. I snort, pitying myself won't get me through initiation and Amar said we have to speak about strategies with our partners. So I turn again and go to the cafeteria. I have someone to look for.

* * *

I enter, the swinging door squeaking effectively drawing some attention and I scowl. Only a few tables are occupied by people eating a late dinner or snack. Eric is one of them and he is watching me, of course. He sits with two other men and a woman, all around his age I last saw him with when we were both sitting at the same table. They are looking at me, too but soon look back at each other. I try to brace myself, square my shoulders and take calming breaths. This is important. I am Dauntless and I can do it – I won't chicken out of a harmless strategy meeting that is important for me passing first stage of initiation even if he thinks I won't pass. I am not even completely sure why I am nervous and that bothers me to no end. I know what I can do and just because he doesn't believe in me I shouldn't let it paralyse me. Maybe it is a combination from that, Peter's accusation and Chris' reaction to it. I push back everything and want to walk through the room but I am held up by someone I didn't expect.

"Looks like you are on a mission or something, Trissy." I growl at Uriah half-heartily because I know he just wants to get a raise out of me, a normal habit of his I normally don't find annoying. I playfully punch him in his shoulder. I smile when a soft 'ow' leaves his mouth and he is rubbing the spot where my fist connected with his flesh. I hear a muttered 'Meany' and ruffle his hair. I am a bit surprised by my display of affection towards the boy but I guess that's my nervousness acting up. My eyes travel back to the table my instructor sits at, his eyes still on me.

"Yeah, I have to speak with Eric about an assignment." I bite my lip a bit. Uriah seems to catch up on my discomfort though interprets it as something entirely different. He puts his arm around my shoulder and squeezes it for a moment.

"I know he is quite intimidating and I myself don't want to get him on the wrong foot but he is ok enough. He is a badass and an asshole but he takes problems serious when you speak to him in confidence." Ok enough indeed, I think and smile gratefully at Uriah. I want to ask if he himself had spoken to Eric about something private because it seemed he reflected on an actual experience but I stop myself – it isn't important and I have to stop my mind from finding excuses to delay my talk to Eric. Uriah answers my smile with one of his easy going ones, watches me a few seconds as if deep in thought and then says playfully, shoving me lightly:

"And he won't chew your head off no matter what you say because you are far too beautiful." I stomp Uriah's foot then, my cheeks a bit flushed because I wasn't expecting a compliment and feel uncomfortable about it. He moans next to me, holding his foot and pulls his puppy-eyes on me. I snort.

"Stop it, you idiot. I am not Marlene. It won't work. If you will excuse me now I have an important conversation to live through." I start to go again but turn around after a few seconds. "And thanks for boosting my confidence." His smile broadens and he waves.

* * *

When I approach the table one of the guys looks up and shoves Eric. He looks up as well, his eyes unreadable.

"You have to be Tris!" The woman says just as I reach the table. I nod and frown a bit. Why does she know my name? She winces slightly but I don't see what would have caused it.

"Yep." I reply, popping the p. "Um... Eric, do you have a moment? I need to speak to you." The woman grins in his direction and the two men poke each other whispering something I can't understand, my eyes fixed on the man that picked my interest right from the start. He lets his eyes travel over my body from my booted feet to the snug pants I wear and the tank top. My huge tattoo is quite visible but I don't care if anyone sees it now and besides he has seen it before. I am a bit self-conscious because of his eyes on me, taking in every flaw but I trample down the feeling.

"Sure." He simply replies and points to a table further away in a corner. I take a deep breath. We make our way to it, his left hand on the small of my back. I feel the heat seeping through my flimsy top into my skin and I am torn between shaking of the damn thing or enjoying the goose bumps it gives me. Eric sits down opposite to me, arms in front of him on the table, hands clasps together, his mazelike tattoos on display having me transfixed for a second or two. He doesn't say anything just fixes his eyes on me. I take another deep breath, just wanting it to be over already.

"I just want to speak about our task tomorrow." I begin. He nods and I go on, training my eyes over his left shoulder, forcing myself to speak clearly and casual and not as if his smell lets my hands get wet and his presence effects my body.

"My strategy would be that I shield the Abnegation initiate, playing the bodyguard. I am quite fast and not all too terrible shooting a gun so I can easily jump in front of the initiate or anything if danger raises. You are taller than me and should stay behind us monitoring the parameter and keeping an eye on the buildings around us." I wait for him to say something, chewing on my bottom lip and not daring to see if his usual smirk is on his face and if he is trying to come up with a good insult for my lack of strategic insight. Though he has complimented my plan for Capture the Flag I am not sure what he thinks about this plan. Maybe because he thinks I am weak... I stop myself there. My behavior is ridiculous – my plan is good. I brace myself, hands clasp in-between my thighs to stop them from trembling.

Instead of answering he learns forward, reaching across the table in a sudden gesture and uses his thumb to free my bottom lip from being chewed to numbness. I wasn't even aware I did it. His hand is back with his other just as quickly and I stare at him. My cheeks are flushed and in my befuddled mind I cannot decide whether to look angry or if I just stay with the wide eyes that my face spots at the moment.

"Don't do that." He just says as if that would explain his invasion of my personal bubble.

"As for the plan: Sounds fine with me. I don't think we will encounter any problems. The Factionless are laying low at the moment. Although it is safe I would advise you to be on your guard nevertheless." I continue to stare at him, to see something in his eyes that would give away why he touched me in this way but I see nothing as usual. How can he hide his emotions so well?! It's greatly frustrating. His eyes are just the normal light grey. I shake my head. This needs to stop because I cannot afford to let him affect me this way.

"Ok. Thank you for your time." I say and push myself up from the bench. I take a few steps and I hear him again:

"You think you will be alright?" His voice sounds bored with an underlining tone of worry?

"What do you mean?" I don't turn back and I am not sure if he speaks about the task tomorrow or my still recovering body.

"We visit Abnegation, your faction of origin. Your old home. Just make sure you don't show any attachment to them." Eric says casually and I can picture him in my mind how he shrugs nonchalantly. The worry had to be just my imagination.

"Abnegation was never me. I may come from there but nothing could be further from a home. You don't need to remind me." I leave it at that, leave the cafeteria still feeling his eyes on my back until the swinging doors close behind me. I just want to fall into my cot and don't wake for at least one month.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	17. Chapter 16

_Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle. She is the best. Honestly._

_And thanks to everyone who reviewed, guest or registered - your words mean a lot to me._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roths does._

* * *

**Chapter 16**

I wake up before anyone else, taking my tight shirt the sleeves going down to my elbow, a combat vest with enough pockets to fit a few knives, a small first aid kit I bought last week and extra ammunition and my combat boots. I don't bother with changing my tight pants. They will be ideal for today. They don't get in my way and I can move in them freely the fabric soft and robust. When I am fully clothed I hear some of the other initiates waking up and I leave the dorm. I don't know if we are able to eat anything while on duty so I decide on a high in fiber breakfast.

My vest in hand I make my way to the assigned meeting place – the training room. Amar is already there when I enter and I walk to him. He greets me with a silent nod and hands me five throwing knives and ammunition.

"You get your guns later." I nod and take the things with me to place everything in the pockets of my vest. I make sure that the items are easily accessible. Against the urge to do something with my body to stop my mind from wandering – practice with the punching bag or anything like that – I stay put and wait for the others to arrive. I don't have to wait too long. The other transfers get the same items I just received and we wait for Eric to make an appearance. I don't join Will, Al and Chris, still a bit unsure what to make of Chris' reaction. And interestingly I am still a bit hurt as well.

When Eric enters I take in his outfit and his expression. He wears exactly the same like me just that he instead of a shirt with sleeves to the elbow sports a black T-shirt. The thought that we complement each other never crossed my mind before but now I have to admit to it. Where he is tall I am small. Where he is all muscle and broad I am slim but not unhealthily so. If we stood next to each other and I suppress the flush that tries to creep up from my neck to my face we would make a good couple. I shake my head and look at his face again. He looks agitated a bit, his grey eyes darkened a sure sign I found out over the last days that something made him angry or bothers him. He looks to Amar then takes us in. He stands in front of us, legs shoulder wide apart, arms crossed, eyes sharp.

"Ok, so, your partners are waiting at the track. We will head out there together and split up at our destination. We will be back late in the afternoon. Make sure you stay close to your assigned partners, take this task seriously, they will report back anything that happens today. Don't get yourself killed, I don't want to explain to anyone why initiates that had nearly two weeks to adapt to fail, get themselves injured or killed." His eyes are cold, his voice doesn't hide the fact that he thinks a few of us will fail. I don't know how much of his speech is true, at least I have my doubt about the last part because Uriah confirmed my hypothesis just yesterday and my own observations came up with a similar result: He cares if even just a little and not in the way anyone else would care.

"Are there any questions?" Amar looks at us, takes in every face for a second and then nods. The silence that follows weighs heavy on my shoulders and they are as tense as they were just a few days ago when I left Abnegation behind for good. My right hand goes up to my neck to release some of the tension there and I am slightly surprised that I really relaxed the last days even though there was so much going on.

"Good luck everyone." Amar tells us and begins to hand each one of us a rifle. I slip the strap over my back to have both my hands free. I decide to sling it over just one shoulder later on so I have easy access and it isn't in my way at the same time. After everyone has everything packed up we follow our instructors, none of us feeling the need to speak. We all take it seriously that first real task, a first assignment and I feel the tension in the air. Every one of us wants to prove him- or herself and now we have the chance to do so. Even Al's shoulders are squared, his expression serious, the softness not visible in his eyes anymore. I am proud of him.

* * *

When we exit the compound the sun is just raising above the roofs and there is still a chill in the air. October is not too far away. Soon rain will fall constantly and the chill will stay throughout the day, the sun just a clear disk at the clouded sky, the warmth washed away. I look up at the sky as it starts to change its colors – light blue with stripes of violet, red, orange and finally yellow. There isn't a cloud as far as the eye can see and maybe it will be one of the last days of heavy sunshine. Good. The light will aid us in our quest to protect the Abnegation. From my experience I know that every small bit will be necessary to fulfill this task, every little help can be precious.

In the distant we see the Dauntless members waiting for us. While I thought that we would be paired off with older people with a wide palette of experience to teach us from the people in front of us aren't much older than we are. The oldest I think is around his mid-twenties and of course there is Amar in his early thirty's. I take in their faces as we approach them. One looks like Uriah and I think he told me about a four years older brother nicknamed Zeke. The resemblance is uncanny and I think I would get along with him as my partner just fine if he is just a bit like his brother. He seems to be, spotting an easy smile on his face and pressing his mouth affectionately to the forehead of a girl next to him. His arm is around said beautiful girl who has her head on his shoulder and looks up at him smiling. Next to them stands a tall man with light brown hair. He says something to them that makes Zeke laugh. When he looks up I am rooted to the ground. I try to breath but my windpipes seem to be closed off. Someone shoves me and I can barely stay on my feet.

"Watch it, Stiff." But I don't look at or react to Peter because he doesn't matter in the slightest no matter what he does at the moment. I am staring at the person just there next to the tracks and next to Zeke, a gun casually over his right shoulder, his right hand on its strap, the left in the pocket of his pants, his whole posture relaxed. I take in his features that are so familiar and at the same time not, his broad shoulders and chest clad in a black T-Shirt and a dark green combat vest. I try to stifle the sob raising in my throat, try to blink away the tears that are about to spill over – my resolve to never cry in front of anyone crumbling under the weight of what I see. He looks shocked as well, his eyes a bit wider, his mouth open a bit. I feel a hand on my shoulder.

"Everything alright, Tris?" Edward looks down at me with a worried glance. I just shake my head unable to formulate a good reply – I don't know if I was ever better or worst. Edward squeezes my shoulder again, trying to get my attention but I just shrug it off and I think if I wasn't so focused on the one person that is my world I would give Edward an apologetic smile for his thoughtfulness that I so easily dismissed. But I can't think of anything else beside the person with the dark blue eyes. My knees are weak and I feel as if I will pass out any second.

"What's the matter, Stiff?" Eric's voice is like a whip, sharp and hard and wakes me up. I look at my feet for a moment, a hand going through my hair, my chest heaving with the heavy breaths I take to calm down. I have to get myself together. I have to be aware and on my guard but all I can think is how much I missed him. I feel a hand under my chin and look up. He is standing in front of me now, his eyes glistening just like mine probably are and a half-smile draws the corners of his mouth up.

"Tobias..." I whisper with numb lips, still not believing that he is here, just a foot away and I could embrace him. His smile broadens making my stomach prickle.

"Four, stop flirting and move your ass. The train is approaching." Eric growls and I throw him a short, confused glance. He looks as agitated as he looked back in the training room.

Four? Tobias looks over his shoulder and I understand that that is his chosen name. Strange that he took a number but thinking of it a short form of Tobias wouldn't fit him. I am brought back from my musings as Tobias takes my left hand, kissing my knuckles softly and pulling me towards the tracks.

Everyone is looking at us funnily – maybe because I am normally shy to be touched even just on the shoulder and he has his hand clasps securely around mine or maybe because my smile nearly splits my face into half or maybe because Tobias looks at me with eyes full of affection and love. I don't care because I feel whole again.

We jump up together, with him helping me up and he lets go of my hand. I smile at him like I haven't smiled in years. He touches my neck, his thumb caressing my chin for a moment and looks around. I nod, our silent way of communication still intact and I part with him, my cheeks happily flushed and I don't think anything can change my good mood now.

That is until I see the look Eric is throwing me. It's not as if I can read his face but there is something about his eyes that lets me shiver. They are cold and hard. I am lowering my head and let myself lean next to him careful not to brush his arm with mine. He doesn't look at me but fixes his gaze on the wall in front of us.

"Everything alright?" I ask him in a whisper, voice slightly concerned, my head still lowered and not looking at him.

"What gave you the impression that you can talk to me, Stiff." I am shocked for a moment and want to throw something back at him my temper flaring but the poisonous glare he sends me lets me close my mouth. We stay silent throughout the ride.

* * *

One after another we jump off the train, landing a few feet apart. I stumble for a moment, Eric's hand on my arm stabilizing me. I want to thank him but he just withdraws his hand as soon as I have a sure foot on the grey concrete and doesn't look at me. I scowl but let it drop. I don't want to lose myself in thoughts about him again. I have to concentrate on the task at hand. And suddenly I am aware that we are just outside the Abnegation sector. A panic clenches at my heart and I close my eyes violently. My heart punches painfully against my ribcage, my breath is without any rhythm – slow, then fast again, deep and then pausing for a few seconds. I try to find calm memories in my mind, try to find something that can distract me enough from the panic I feel.

I feel a strong hand on my back and look up. Tobias is standing next to me, worry evident in his eyes. His presence is all it takes for me to calm down again. He will always protect me. I nod in thanks, feeling my heartrate go down to a normal level again. He smiles slightly, squeezing my hand and then joining the others that already made their way over to a small group of grey people. Memories try to take over again, but I shake my head, gripping the gun and pulling it from my back to sling it over my left shoulder, teeth clenched together. I jog up and see Susan among the initiates. There are nine as well. Three boys, six girls. I only know six of them, the others probably being transfers from other Factions.

Eric speaks with a woman in her forties and I recognize her as an instructor of mine that gave me tasks while I still was a dependent in Abnegation. She is a good choice for the initiation process – though stern she has always the right words to help someone along, helping the initiates to learn about forgetting themselves. I stay back with Tobias, the other Dauntless building a sort of protecting wall before us unconsciously. Good thing I am so small, I think sarcastically. We both tense and probably hope that no one will say anything. He goes so far as to pull the mask that is a part of his T-Shirt up over his nose leaving only his eyes visible.*

"Initiates, we will split up now. Abnegation was so kind to invite us to a lunch they put together in one of the kitchens where you will meet a few council members as well. We will meet there at 1 pm sharp, understand?" His voice is controlled and leaves no room for any discussion. So we all just give our consent.

"Good, now there are nine initiates today, so each team has one Abnegation to look after. I warn you, if I hear the slightest complaint I will have your head." Eric's voice is sharp like a knife and no one doubts the seriousness of the threat. I take a quick look at the initiates from Abnegation standing there in their grey clothes. They look intimidated and I guess it is quite a shock for them how Eric treats and talks to us. I left Abnegation not two weeks ago and I am so used to his and Amar's behavior by now that I just now realise the difference in the way to lecture someone. The teachers from Abnegation always speak quietly and calmly as if they are afraid of their own voice, they don't curse, they don't belittle someone – or only in a way to help the person along to find the selflessness.

The other major difference I find when I look to Susan. She still looks like the 16 year old girl from my memory that is still fresh because it was just 13 days ago. She still sports the plain face every Abnegation seems to possess – or maybe the way they dress and twist their hair into the practical bun make them appear to be plain. She still has the soft features of a child barely adult, her hands folded demurely in front of her. In comparison, when I look at the Christina now and back then when we met on the train it is as if 10 months are over already. Her body shows muscles now, there are a few stress lines in her face as well and her knuckles are scraped over and bruised. If Susan would think I grew up without her in the last week when she spots me? Recognize me with tattoos peeking out of my collar? The Abnegation instructor speaks up and I pay attention to her leaving my thoughts behind. It doesn't matter what Susan thinks. Or anyone really. I am on my way to be my own person.

"Now, children. Don't be afraid, I am sure every one of the Dauntless members will make sure you stay save. Please remember to take the packages with you and try to understand why we need to help these people when you move through the sector." Though the voice of the Abnegation instructor is soft and honest the Abnegation initiates don't look convinced but they nod anyway. Their instructor gives them a reassuring smile before she goes back to the Abnegation sector.

Eric begins to pair off two Dauntless – one initiate and member each – with an initiate from Abnegation. When Tobias is called along with Chris he smiles at me reassuringly through his black mask and pat's my shoulder for a second. I answer him with a smile of my own hoping I could make the message clear: _be safe, I love you, don't worry about me_. He nods then goes to the front. They are paired with a boy named Patrick – a transfer – and after they introduced each other they make their way over to the Factionless sector, Patrick carrying a huge package on his back probably filled with food and clothes for the Factionless. I stay behind until the last trio is out of sight and Eric looks at me. I step forward, gun secured on my arm, face trained into a serious mask. My mind blank except for my task at hand. My Abnegation – I snort at the irony – is a timid girl with bright red hair put into a bun and a few freckles on her cheeks.

"I'm Tris." I say and extend my hand in introduction just to pull it back a few seconds later. Abnegation don't shake hands, I remind myself and respectfully nod in greeting.

"I am Amy." Amy isn't an Abnegation name, so she has to be a transfer. Amity maybe.

"Before we go just some ground rules, ok?" I ask her, making sure with a quick glance that Eric agrees. He doesn't nod but he doesn't step up as well, so I take it as a yes.

"When I or Eric there say hide, you hide and stay as silent as you can. You are not to leave my side under any circumstances other then one of us says so. You don't enter buildings on your own or stroll too far away from us when you interact with the Factionless. I know that you want to help them but some of them aren't really thankful, so be cautious. Eric is watching our back and if something happens to me make sure to stay close to him." The girl's eyes are big with worry and I try to make her smile, my voice not as serious as before:

"He seems intimidating, I give you that, but I swear on my honour as a Dauntless he will protect you with his life." She looks at him for a moment and smiles shyly. He doesn't reciprocate but nods in confirmation. With the consequences of calling him intimidating and a softy in one sentence I will deal later.

"Anything else?" I look to Eric again and he just shakes his head in the negative. I nod, touch Amy's shoulder for a moment and then we start our tour around the Factionless sector.

* * *

For the first four hours we don't encounter any dangers or difficulties. Amy distributes food in cans, rough sheets and clothes in the different colors of the Factions. I am on high alert all the time, observing her interaction with the Factionless. They seem peaceful enough. I stay behind her, watching from a small distance. It's far enough away so the Factionless won't be intimidated or feel threatened and I am still close enough to intercept if anyone tries to hurt or endanger Amy. Sometimes I have to step up a bit, letting them know that I am there. It's quite satisfying to see them react to me. After being overlooked for most of my life it is refreshing to be noticed.

I am also highly aware that Eric is just a few steps behind me. He is looking into the windows above us, making sure there is no danger from a stone being thrown or anything like that. Being a mistrusting person in general I find it quite curious that I trust him to have my and Amy's back even though I don't know him and just met him one and a half weeks ago. It's also quite disturbing remembering that at some point I hated his guts and felt repulsed by his behavior. Thinking about it I shouldn't be surprised though. I let him touch me more than one time and didn't feel the need to get away from him. And I admitted my physical attraction for him. I don't think you can be attracted to anyone in anyway if you don't trust that person at least a bit. Remembering his words, that he thinks I am weak, and my reaction to it I should have known earlier that I feel something for him, that I trust him. I huff and trample down these thoughts. I have to focus, dammit.

When the first half of our round is nearly finished we decide to take a short break so Amy can put down her heavy luggage for a moment. We find a sunny patch of dry stairs where she can sit and rest her feet. Her cheeks are happily flushed and her eyes glint – it seems it was the right decision to transfer to Abnegation. Even though we didn't encounter any problems until now, I don't let my guard down. I lean against the railing of the stairs and let my eyes wander from left to right, never stopping to observe everything as best as I can.

"Don't you want to take a break too? You look tired, here let me..." I interrupt her with a sharp glance and she stays quiet.

"No, thank you. I am fine." She nods but doesn't look convinced. Typical Abnegation to be stubborn about the well-being of ours. I know I wouldn't be able to be like that.

"What about you, Eric?" Her voice wavers a bit, but she stands up, her legs safely planted on the stairs and giving him a bottle – I admire her bravery for a moment to approach him even though she is intimidated by his whole being. He sniffs at it.

"It's just water." Amy smiles shyly at him and he nods. He puts his head back, taking deep gulps of the fresh liquid and I am distracted for a moment, staring at his tattoos on his neck that are in plain sight now and capture my full attention. My mouth is dry and I try to wet my lips.

Suddenly there is a shadow behind him and I jump over the railing, not even calling out for him just shoving him to the side. There is a loud _clung_ from the bottle hitting the concrete and I feel a stinging sensation on my left upper arm. I ignore it though and my body seems to react on autopilot. I knee him in the stomach, making his torso jerk forward, taking his arm with the knife and pulling it behind him. Giving him a kick to the backside of his knee he drops down to the ground. I hear a satisfying yelp laced with pain.

"Let the knife go." I all but growl, my eyes ablaze, my mouth set into a grim line. He doesn't obey so I press his arm a bit higher up, making him hiss in pain again.

"I said: Let go of the fucking knife." And then his hand relaxes and the knife falls to the ground. I push it as far away from him as possible with my short legs and without loosening my grip. The adrenalin is pulsing through my veins, my heart pounding hard, the blood rushing through my body. I look to Amy who is pale with fear and say through clenched teeth:

"Go to Eric, Amy. Stay as close to him as possible." Eric looks at me with an unreadable expression and there is the glint again in his eyes. Why is he so fucking calm? Amy stands at his right side a few seconds later, eyes widening as she sees the attacker. My breath is labored but I can control the rhythm of my heart and calm myself down enough. I fumble in the back of my vest, pulling zip tie from my pocket. I put it between my teeth, grab the still free arm from Eric's attacker and forcefully pull it back as well. I don't care if the bastard feels pain. My knee at his back to hold him down I tie the plastic around his wrists. I close the zip tie when Amy speaks up, her voice timid and laced with shocked surprise.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._

_*Anyone got the reference? I hope so. Tell me in the comments._


	18. Chapter 17

_Thanks to my awesome beta Torry-Riddle. Without her I would have probably given up writing this story..._

_And a big thank you to all the people writing me (comments and messages) and let me know that they enjoy my writing. Thanks for the follows/favorits for this story, my other stories and for me as an author. I can't describe how much it means to me._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

**Chapter 17**

"But that's someone from Dauntless, isn't it?" I scoff at her for her naive remark. Just because he is wearing black clothes doesn't mean he is from Dauntless – they could have been a distribution. But when I look at the quality of the fabric, all intact, not frayed anywhere I am a bit confused. Why would someone throw that away?

"You can let go of me now, Tris." The voice sounds familiar and I look down to the speaker on his knees in front of me, hands tied together by a zip tie and I discover a tattoo that I know someone else has as well.

"George?!" I hear him chuckle but it dies down nearly immediately and turns into a hiss. I hope he will suffer a bit more from my knee into his stomach and though that thought satisfies me a bit I scowl at the back of his head.

"Tori was right, you mean business and I get too old for something like that."

"You know him?" I ignore Eric's question, my temper flaring.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?! I could have seriously hurt you." I don't care that he is a person I consider a good friend. I don't care that my next move can easily get me cut from initiation for lacking respect for my superiors: I slap him across the head. Hard. I look over to Eric who seems to be amused and I scowl at him, too. How dare they laugh about that? I look at George's back for a moment, trying to compose myself, to not let them see how angry I feel.

"You can let him go, Stiff. It was all a setup." I purse my lips, my gaze showing him exactly how funny I find this whole situation. In one swift movement I pull a knife from my pocket and free his hands, taking a few steps back starting to observe the buildings around us again. This may have been a setup but other people could use the moment to ambush us. The bonus is quite good as well: I don't have to look at Eric or George.

I let the knife disappear back into its original place and cross my arms. I look down, confused for a moment why my left arm should be wet and discover the blood there. Oh, I think for a moment, right. George got me with his knife in the upper arm as I pushed Eric away. I don't look to them when I try to assess the damage.

"What is it?" Eric asks, observing me. I won't act weak, I tell myself, and I won't act like a child.

"He got me in the arm. I don't think it is anything serious, though."

I pull up my sleeve as far as possible and try to look at the wound but a shadow falls over me before I can get a good view distracting me. Eric grabs my arm with one of his hands and he is so gentle I nearly forgot that he laughed at me. To be honest he just looked amused, his eyes glinting but being the person that he is and as far as I know that could have been a full out laughing on his part. And it hurts to think he would laugh at me.

Against the things I just told myself I contemplate to pull away at first. But the memory how he told me that I shouldn't forget our respective positions – he is a Leader and I am just an initiate – when I act like a spoiled child again keeps me in check. So I won't act like a child. I frown for a moment and focus. There is Amy somewhere behind him who really needs my full concentration because she could be in danger right at this moment while I am musing my disastrous feelings for one of my instructors.

"I think you need some stitches. I say you go back to the compound." He says, his voice calm and brings me back to the present. His breath fawns over my heated skin and the hand that isn't holding my arm carefully assessing the damage done.

"Nonsense. It's just a scratch and it doesn't even hurt. Can I take a look at it please?" He reluctantly lets go of my arm and backs a reasonable amount of steps away. I first look to Amy who is next to George and I relax slightly. Then I turn my head to my arm, finding the cut just a bit to the front of it. Blood is still pouring out of it in small amounts but it doesn't look too deep. It will heal faster if I let someone stitch it up for me though. Curiously I don't feel the pain, maybe because I am filled to the brim with adrenalin. But I don't want to go back to Dauntless headquarters, I have to finish this mission even though it just is a test and Eric could probably continue on his own.

"I will let the doctor at the compound take a look at it later when Amy is back in Abnegation. For now a bandage will do." Eric seems to be ready to protest and I know he could command me to do as he says, but I just pull out my first aid kit and open the small case choosing a medium sized bandage and a compress. When I try to handle the compress in one hand and the bandage in the other, Eric steps up again and takes the white gauze from my other hand. While he concentrates on bandaging my arm I can look at him even though I shouldn't because just a minute ago I realised what a dangerous distraction he is.

His features are concentrated, his eyebrows drawn together lightly. His mouth is relaxed and this time I can't see a five o'clock shadow on his face. I smell his aftershave and a scent I associate with Eric. I have to suppress the hum that wants to leave my mouth and instead I chew on my button lip. I look over his shoulder to the buildings around us. I feel a light tug on my arm, then the sleeve is lowered again. His thumb brushes my bottom lip again and I hear him sigh.

"I told you to stop that." His voice is deep and calm. He appears to be tired – from what I don't know. Then he turns around and I am glad about it because my cheeks are flushed. I shake my head slightly, my right hand going to my neck to massage it shortly then I jog up to George, Amy and Eric.

"Very well done, shorty. I thought you would kill me for a moment." I cringe because of the endearing nickname Tori gave me and just nod. I try to suppress the scowl that wants to place itself on my face. They don't need to know how scarred I was that something could happen to Eric. I am surprised by that notion myself. But it isn't as painful as the thought that that they laughed at me for the way I reacted. Eric looks at his wristwatch and nods before speaking:

"Lunch will be in half an hour. We should be on our way to the assigned kitchen." My fear comes back but I try to trample on it, ignoring the churning of my stomach and the foul taste it leaves in my mouth.

We continue on our way, George walking with Eric and Amy and I in front of them. The longer we walk closing in on the meeting place the more my stomach hurts and my shoulders cramp up. I don't know what I can do to avoid the shared meal. I come up with ideas only to quash them again. I falter in my steps slightly and Amy throws me a worried glance. She touches my shoulder lightly and asks:

"Everything alright, Tris?" I nod curtly, throwing her a short glance that I hope doesn't show the terror I feel on the inside. The kitchen appears before us. It's a simple one story building that was a storage room some years ago probably. The walls are white, windows glistening in the sun. The picture of peace while inside of me a war is fought. I don't want to be a coward but I don't think I am ready just yet to meet up with any of the older Abnegation. My steps are even slower now. I can't go to it, I have to stay away. Before panic can take over again I make Amy stop and turn around to Eric. I train my face into a neutral expression.

"Can I please stay here while you are in there?" I know the chances are very slim that he will accept this behavior and in that moment I feel even more frustrated at myself for being a coward. I realise I had no right to belittle Al for being one when I can't face my own demons and freak out like that. I don't know what I will do if Eric replies in the negative. I have no backup plan ready because my mind his heavy with worry and fear and there is just no time to come up with one. He watches me for a moment, concentrates on my face and especially on my eyes. I am nervous that he sees how afraid I am and not the nonchalance I try to express. It would aid my case but I won't appear weak again. I would face the damn Abnegation Leaders again before showing Eric how broken I am. Eric shrugs and I take a breath.

"If you aren't hungry stay here, monitor the parameter but don't enter any buildings on your own." He sounds bored and I can't believe my luck. And I am also slightly surprised that he trusts my skills enough to let me stay alone here. At least I think he does otherwise he wouldn't allow it, would he? Maybe my display of control half an hour ago changed his view? At the moment it doesn't matter.

I tell them that I am not too hungry so that won't be a problem anyway. I nod, smiling a bit to show my gratitude and wait until Eric is at Amy's other site to take over the duty of watching her. George waves before he joins them.

I look for a good spot to wait for them deciding against staying out here in the open. When I find a good corner where no one can attack me from behind I lean against one wall, crossing my arms and let the sun warm my body. My shoulders slightly relax.

* * *

We jump off the train and this time I don't stumble and am able to run off the momentum from the train. I am exhausted to the bone and when I look at the faces of the other initiates they are as well. Their partners seem to be totally fine. Maybe because they are used to duties and shifts and we aren't in the slightest.

Some of us are still talking to the Dauntless members they were paired with. I look over to Tobias who has a hand on Chris' shoulder and smiles gently down at her. Maybe she did well today. Afterwards he joins me, putting an arm around me and accidently brushing my upper arm. I hiss softly. Now that the adrenalin is gone and I am tired the pain makes a reappearance. Tobias looks at me with concern in his dark-blue eyes with the light spot in his left eye.

"What is it?" His no-nonsense tone makes me smile because he would always use it on me when I didn't want to spill what bothered me.

"It's nothing. George – the guy who played the attacker – caught me in the arm. I will go to the infirmary when we are dismissed." He looks at me for a second longer but nods. I sigh relieved.

"Initiates, gather around." the chatter stops and everyone looks to Eric. "You will meet tomorrow morning in the Pit at 9 am sharp to see if anyone of your relative's shows up for Visiting Day. Your partners will join me for the debriefing now. I hope I won't hear any complaints or as I said I will have your head on a silver platter. You should use the time to gather your strength and get wounds looked after in the infirmary." His eyes linger on me for a moment and I meet his gaze levelly, nodding once.

"Dismissed." I don't need to hear it twice. I burry my face for a few seconds in Tobias' vest and he hugs me tightly to his body.

"I see you not later than the day after tomorrow, ok?" As he rubs my back I hum to myself and nod against his collarbone.

"Alright." I mumble, feeling exhausted and comfortable against him, my hands secured in the fabric of his vest, his scent lulling me into a sense of safety. Tobias shoves me slightly with his shoulder and I look up, my eyes small.

"Hey, go to the Doctor, take a hot shower and sleep. I have to go now or Eric kills me." I chuckle softly not quite ready to let him go. He puts both hands to my face and lifts it up. He presses his lips softly against my forehead and I smile. It feels so good to have him with me again. He gently shoves me again, away from him, smiling and waving. I smile as well and turn around.

* * *

I now have eight stitches on my left arm and it is freshly bandaged. I first went to take a shower and afterwards to the hospital ward. My priorities earned me a long-winded description with many gruesome details – maggots, truncation – of all the things that could happen from the doctor. A lot of unnecessary exaggeration for a small cut on the arm but I guess dealing with Dauntless members all the time demands it. We all seem to not care about looking after ourselves. I felt a lot better in fresh clothes and clean though and don't think I will act differently the next time. So I just let him speak, nodded at the right places, promised to never do it again and was released a short while later. He gave me some medical herb crème as well that would help the healing process and lessen the size of the scar. He also said he can take the stitches out by the end of next week. I don't really care if the scar is big or small but I will just do as he said so I can start training with the left arm again soon.

I lay down in my cot, my mind numb and before I even realise it I am fast asleep.

* * *

A loud banging sound awakes me and I am a bit disorientated for a second. I pull myself into a sitting position, putting my sock-clad feet on the cold floor. The sensation wakes me up a bit more. Lights turn on above my head and I rub my eyes to chase away the last remains of a dreamless sleep. I blink a few times and discover Eric is leaning against the railing of the stairs leading down into our dorm.

"Today is visiting Day", He begins direct and straightforward," and you will or won't see your family. Make sure you don't show too much attachment. Dauntless is your home now and will be your family as soon as you are members. Your rankings for the first stage will be posted this evening 8:30 pm in the training room." Our eyes meet a split second and for the first time I feel like shying away from his gaze as if he could discover something that I don't want him to see. He lets his eyes linger on all of us for a moment, probably trying to drive the lesson home with his imposing figure and the seriousness in his distant orbs. Then he turns around leaving us perplexed and grounded at the same time.

I take a quick shower, trying to sooth my sore muscles, enjoying the feeling of hot water on my skin. My stitches hurt a bit, the skin around them red and agitated. I put some crème on it and it feels cool and relaxing. I chose some tight pants, combat boots and a tank top, taking my jacket with me as I make my way to the cafeteria alone. Instead of sitting down to eat I make myself a sandwich and take a bottle of water. I don't want to take any chance and will be as far away from the Pit as possible before any visitor can arrive. As I exit I pass Eric. I feel him watch me but I don't have the nerve to think about him at the moment. My reaction from this morning is fresh in my already overloaded mind, confusing me even more because I don't know what I wanted to hide.

* * *

I make my way to the chasm. I know I will be alone there and have some time on my own. Leaning against the railing, sitting down on the cool metal I eat my breakfast, letting the sounds of the rushing water beneath me sooth my mind. I feel on edge and I am afraid of falling into one direction or the other. If I stumble even slightly I will fall. On one side awaits me blank panic and I won't be able to move or think clearly anymore. On the other depression, dark waves of sadness with a wish to just give up. They both aren't very appealing so I try to balance myself with slow eating, chewing every bite extra carefully and controlled breathing.

I wish Tobias could be here with me. My head on his shoulder, one arm around me and the free hand intertwined with my fingers. I think I would be content and not afraid anymore. The happiness that I finally saw him again, could touch him and feel him is still there but it's just not enough right now. I want him to be here with me like he was countless times before. Like he was when I scraped my knee. Just like that he would change a painful experience into a lesson learned and my tearful face into one full of smiles. He always knew how to cheer me up when everything around me crumbled to dust. Tobias held my hand and cheered me on even though he had enough problems of his own and that maybe I can hope that I helped him, too. He fought off our monsters and nightmares and the bullies in school. I frown slightly at my wish that is so fierce it burns in my chest. And I feel ashamed. I know my fixation on him isn't healthy. But he was my rock for so long now that I can't remember a time when I wasn't attached to or depending on him.

I sigh, feeling pathetic. Seems like depression is winning this round. I scoff. Water bottle in hand I decide to get to know the Dauntless compound, trying to find some motivation and not drowning in the dark waves. I already visited the Pit, know where to find the infirmary, the dorm and everything else I need to know for my daily routine. But there is so much more and I feel like distracting myself with a small adventure. So I take my first steps alone again, my legs heavy and my pace unsure. The noise of the chasm slowly gets quieter and I think I will manage. Just like I managed to survive the first stage of initiation on my own.

* * *

I wander through dark tunnels, flickering lights in irregular intervals illuminating the uneven and dirty ground. When I pass doors I take a short look into the rooms that aren't locked. Most of the time I find nothing of interest. More training rooms though these are smaller than the one we use for initiation, a few closets filled with long forgotten items nobody misses and some rooms look like my old classrooms with a chalkboard on one wall and tables and desks before it. I even find the door that leads to the big hall where the net we jumped into on our first day still hangs.

At some point I encounter dead ends. Then I turn around and go down another corridor never stopping to take a break. I fear if I linger too long in one position I will cancel my tour to just sit down. And with the quiet of sitting around come the thoughts I don't want to think. Not now, not ever. The steady rhythm of my steps, my low breathing and the silence help me to stay calm, to keep my balance and focus on everything except my past, the thoughts and feeling wrapped into it.

A while later, I don't know how much timed passed, I stand before a metal door at the end of a long stairway. I need to push hard to open it and when I see light I feel excitement. Cool wind brushes my face and I take a deep breath when the door is all the way open. I am on one of the roofs surrounding the hole we jumped through on Choosing Day I discover as I walk to the edge of the roof.

The sky is full of heavy clouds. They are tainted in different hues of blue and grey and move fast towards the horizon. The sun randomly appears but for the most part the light is dimmed, filling the day with a gloomy greyness. I feel like I am back in Abnegation and everything I could see was grey. I shake my head slightly, trying to not go further down that road.

I lay down, legs crossed at my ankle in the middle of the roof, concentrating on the blues of the sky and not the greys, reminding me that color is back in me. There are a few pebbles sticking uncomfortable in my back and bottom but I ignore them folding my hands on my stomach. I let the silence envelop me. Besides the rattling of the train, a few birds and the hum of the ventilation system there is nothing that could disturb me.

And like every other time when I relax and my walls are a bit lowered my thoughts return to Eric. I am quite frustrated with myself. Since I jumped off the train there seems nothing else as important as he is. I think about him so much I am surprised I know so little about him. It's annoying that not knowing and not understanding and the urge to change that. As if there aren't enough other things I have to worry about. Maybe the doctor and Christina are right and my priorities are twisted and need some serious overthinking. Instead of concentrating on initiation, on discovering myself I think about the Dauntless Leader. Though the whole discovering part isn't quite true. I made a few discoveries about myself while I really wanted to find out more about him. Maybe he is so important because he challenges me? Or because he helps me to become myself unconsciously?

I sigh. Whatever it is, he is stuck in my head. I am slightly surprised that I accept it now without a second thought. Maybe I am just tired of fighting myself on the matter or the pressure and fear of Visiting Day makes my resolve weak. And seriously there is nothing wrong with appreciating his body and being curious about his motives. I think I could learn a thing or too if I would understand him better. If I at least could ask around again. I started at the tattoo parlor but since then so much happened that I just hadn't the time not to mention no opportunities or sources. So I have nothing at my hands to go further. I try to push all of this out of my mind with great afford, don't want the thoughts to circle around each other and come up with nothing.

I concentrate on the clouds above me and I lose myself in the patterns they draw and in the colors. For a moment I envy them for being able to go wherever they want. I wish I would have been able to keep the feeling of flying with me but with all these new experiences and emotions from just two weeks of Dauntless I can't grasp it anymore. If I could just find something that would give me back that feeling. Jumping off and on trains is out of the question because we aren't allowed to leave the compound without a Dauntless member and I know it just isn't enough, the moment to short, the feeling gone too fast. I think hard for a moment. An idea enters my mind. I stand up, brushing away the pebbles from my back and bottom that I can reach with my hands. I don't need to leave the compound to fly.

I take slow steps to the edge of the roof, not at all in a hurry. When I reach it I look down, the black hole gaping back at me. I read at one point in school a quote that always captured my interest. It was from long before the war, when a continent named Europe still existed. _And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you._* Goosebumps cover my arms and I try to concentrate on my task at hand.

I try to gauge the distance between the roof I am standing on and the hole. I think it is a bit further away than from the roof we first jumped from. I hesitate for a moment, evaluating if I am still sane or lost it a few minutes ago completely without really noticing it. I roll my shoulders. What's life without a little risk? I am Dauntless and maybe I need this act that balances between bravery and stupidity to keep my balance between depression and panic – at least for today.

I take a few steps back, happy that I don't need to climb a ledge and have extra momentum. I close my eyes for a second and then I run. My feet lose ground soon after and I catapult myself over the edge of the roof, flying again. An exhilarating yell breaks free from my throat. There it is again – I am flying.

A few seconds later I land on the net hard, a tangle of limbs and hair. Because of the added distance between the edge of the roof and the hole in the ground I couldn't just fall into the net smoothly. I more like crashed then fell into it and pain spreads through my body. But I ignore it and that the air is pressed out of my lungs for a moment. My hair is in my face and when I can breathe again I laugh hysterically. I stay there, legs and arms spread away from me, the clouds above me. I calm down and feel more like myself again.

"What are you doing here?" I look over to my left and discover one of Eric's friends – the woman that knew my name even though I didn't tell her about it.

"I just wanted to jump again." She looks at me perplexed then laughs. I climb down from the net and I already miss the feeling of flying again – maybe I make it my new ritual, jumping from the roof whenever I need a boost to carry on.

"Don't you have someone to meet in the Pit? Today is Visiting Day, isn't it?" She asks me and comes over to me, eyeing my dishevelled appearance. I stiffen a bit, but try to not think about it too deeply.

"Yeah it is and no I haven't. Thank Dauntless for small favors." She chuckles again and suddenly holds out her hand in front of her. I grab it, trying to get the handshake right. How a simple ritual like that can still bother me after everything else I have been through is beyond me.

"I am Jules, by the way. Last time I hadn't the opportunity to introduce myself." Last time I had to talk to Eric about my strategy and I probably would have been too focused on Eric – again – to talk to her or even take notice really.

"I would give you my name, but you already know it. And nice to meet you." I answer, a bit overwhelmed. Maybe I am just surprised that someone was here. I thought that this hall is deserted but for one day of the year. Jules smiles and points forward, asking me silently to accompany her.

"Eric tells me everything about initiation so I should know your name by now." I falter in my steps for a moment and try to camouflage it with brushing of imaginable dust from my pants. I look her up and down from the corner of my eyes. She has long hair like me, hold back in a side braid. Her eyes are an unusual brown, light around the iris and she is quite beautiful.

"Why would he do that? Isn't it quite boring if one isn't involved directly or because of a family member?" I am surprised my voice sounds so casual when in reality all I can think about is what Eric told her exactly and what kind of relationship they share.

"Oh, it is, but I want to take over the initiation training for the Dauntless-born eventually so I make it my business and he is so good in telling anecdotes." I hold open the door for her, throwing a last glance at the net, parting with a hopeful _see you soon_.

"Anecdotes? I can hardly imagine there is a lot to talk about. I mean we fought and went on a few trips... what did Eric tell you?" I put my hands in my pants pockets and let my hair fall forward to hide just how curios I am about the next things she will say.

"Oh, just about a Stiff that caught his eye. First jumper. He couldn't believe it." I blush and Jules shoves me lightly, smiling broadly. "He talks about you quite a lot when I think about it. How you were the one that made the win in Capture the Flag even possible and so on."

"It wasn't that big of a deal." I mumble and I really think that it wasn't a big deal. If I hadn't had that fight with Peter someone else would have come up with a good plan. I was just irked enough to show Peter his place that I just blurted out my plan. Lynn could have been the one for example. She is quite intelligent and could have pulled it off just as well.

"Oh, but it was. Believe me. It is always an honor to be on the team who wins but being the one to come up with the strategy..." I just shrug, what could I say to that. We are close to our training room now and I think that maybe I could get some exercise without the other initiates being around. I am really a recluse, am I not, I think for a second not quite sure how to feel about it.

"I guess I will leave you now. It was nice talking to you, Jules." I smile at her and she nods her head.

"Same. I hope Eric will..." She is interrupted by someone calling her name. I don't need to look to know who it is that stands behind us.

"Jules." His voice is calm and deep, not betraying anything just like always. I huff to myself and turn around together with Jules.

"Oh, hey there. Speak of the devil. I just talked to Tris here about her good work in Capture the Flag." Jules isn't bothered by his presence at all it seems. She smiles at him and I think she is brave to do so. His arms are crossed over his chest and his eyes are a bit darker than normal. I take in his figure again, my eyes drawn to his shoulders and arms. I stare at the tattoos at his neck for a moment and feel myself blush a little.

"I see." Well, talking much, I think to myself and look back to Jules to not stare at Eric anymore.

"Oh, don't pull the hard ass on me. I know you far too long that that will work. You see, Tris, we were both Erudite transfers and were in the same initiation class. He could get anyone with that behavior of his but I am immune to him by now." She chuckles softly, her eyes flickering from him to me. Her eyebrows raise for a second, then there is a slight glint in her eyes, her mouth pulled up into a grin. I see Eric glare at her probably angry for telling me these things.

"Anyway, I need to go now, some things to finish before I can take the rest of the day off. Tris, as I was about to say, I hope Eric will invite you to our table sometime soon and we can talk a bit more." She smiles, touching my shoulder for a moment and I just nod with a small smile of my own. There is a short moment of nonverbal communication between Jules and Eric before she turns around and disappears in the direction of the Pit.

I take a look at Eric, still standing there without uttering another word after Jules left. I bite my bottom lip and he frowns. Suddenly I remember his actions and words the last two times I bit or chewed my lip and stop it immediately. He smirks knowingly and a bit teasingly? I feel my flush deepen. I hurriedly nod in his general direction and vanish behind the door of the training room to get started. There is much to think about again.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._

* Quote by Friedrich Nietzsche: Beyond Good and Evil, Aphorism 146 – The whole thing would be as followed: _He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you. _I always loved Nietzsche and I found the quote to be quite fitting for my own life and the scene we find Tris in.


	19. Chapter 18

_As always - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_I want to thank especially the guests for their reviews. It means a lot to me that you take the time to leave me a few words. Of course a thank you to my other reviewers as well. All of you are awesome._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

**Chapter 18**

While I am stretching my calves and back thighs I hear the door to the training room open. I had to take it easy on my left arm to not open the wound again but apart from the slight pain I easily forgot about the injury. Eric and Amar enter, the former holding a clipboard. I take a quick glance at the clock and realise with slight surprise that I forgot about lunch and it is ten minutes before 8 o'clock. I frown slightly, not used to be this absorbed in training that I forget to eat. Just as I think that my stomach growls. Sighing I leave the room to go the cafeteria.

Visiting Day ended about an hour ago. I sigh happily that I finished the day without too many dark thoughts and a good workout. After grabbing some fruits and a cheese sandwich I sit by myself again not bothering to look for Uriah, Lynn or Marlene. They probably are exhausted after a day with their families. I think I would be if I had a family that is. To be near someone and share some thoughts is quite alright with me, but I feel safer keeping to myself.

A shiver runs down my spine. Now that I start to relax and am not going through exercise after exercise I feel the coldness on my uncovered arms and the stitches hurting more as well. I wish I had taken my jacket with me. Just as I think that a pullover lands on my head.

"I don't want to see you barely dressed in front of everyone all sweaty and hot from your training." I blush a deep red and take the sponsored item pulling it over my head, enjoying the feeling of the fabric on my skin and the smell it carries. I am swimming in all the rough material, my hands disappearing in the sleeves but I don't care because I feel safe. I smile up at him, freeing my hair from under the collar.

"Hey Four." He winks at me and sits down, one leg on each side of the bench, next to me. I kiss him lightly on the cheek, feeling a light scratch from his stubbles there and go back to my tray, popping a piece of an apple in my mouth.

"How was your day?" I ask him casually. He shrugs and I take a bite from my sandwich next.

"You know, looking at monitors, running some errands, making sure a certain someone doesn't get to you." He lowers his voice at the end and I stiffen a bit. Tobias runs a hand along my back and I relax again. There is nothing to fear. If he says he watched out for me from wherever he was I know he did without a doubt in my mind.

"Actually I don't know. I don't know what you are up to or where to find you or anything really." I half-heartedly complain. He smiles apologetic and takes my free hand into his, intertwining our fingers.

"I am sorry, Tris. I would have tried to reach you sooner but I was stationed in Candor for a few weeks to guard the prison. As soon as I have time I will cook us something in my apartment and we can talk. Until then we just have a few moments. With the second stage coming up you won't have too much time anyway." Now that he mentions it I feel a prickle on the back of my neck. I put the sandwich down and massage my shoulders a bit. I know I won't be cut. I know I did it through the first stage and I wasn't half bad. Second stage would begin soon and again I ask myself how they will test our emotional capability and if I would even stand a chance.

"I am a bit nervous about the ranking today. I mean, I know I did well enough, winning some fights and stuff, but I don't know the criteria Amar and Eric use to evaluate us. It's a bit annoying to be held in the dark about something so important." I tell him in a small voice, eyes fixed on my plate, hands fumbling with the sleeves of his black pullover. He pulls my head to his and kisses my temple. I relish in how he shows his affection and that he is never shy in doing so. I remember that I was afraid that something would have changed between us, that we couldn't talk or treat each other anymore the way we used to. But until now I can't see that happening. It is as if we never said goodbye, uncertain if we would ever see each other again.

"You did well, I am sure. Don't think about it too much. From the things I heard from the debriefing you kicked your attacker's ass." His voice is calm and the way he says it, so sure about my abilities without even seeing them himself, lets me feel confident. He looks at his wristwatch and groans slightly.

"I have to go again. I am sorry, Tris." I just shrug my shoulders. Now that he is back in the compound we will have enough time to catch up and just be together. I really look forward to it.

"What time is it anyway?"

"8:17 pm." I swallow the last bite of my sandwich and look to him again. He smiles encouragingly and squeezes my hand.

"Rankings will be posted any minute now. I am still weighing going there with everyone else against going later when no one can bother me with mean comments." Its Tobias' turn to stiffen, but I wave him off before he can ask any questions I don't want to answer yet.

"It's ok. It means nothing. I can deal with it." I sound so strong in that moment that I even believe myself. But Tobias always had a neck to discover even my best told lies.

"If it is nothing, why are you avoiding them?" I childishly stick my tongue out for a moment and he laughs. It is a rich sound and reminds me of our summers when we could stay out late together without anyone being suspicious about it.

"It's more annoying than anything. Compared to training, initiation and everything else it is child's play. So don't you worry and off you go. I am a big girl." He doesn't seem convinced but smiles anyway, kisses the top of my head again and stands up.

"Oh, and by the way. I will keep the pullover." I quip and he smirks in return.

"It's a gift." He winks and leaves the cafeteria. Not too soon after I leave as well and go to the training room. When I enter most of the other initiates are already there. I stand back a bit, feeling comfortable in Tobias' pullover that goes down to my midnights. It's quite fascinating how his scent can relax me and makes me feel whole. We wait for Amar or Eric to speak up. It's Amar that does.

"The ranking you will see now is only for the first stage. You were evaluated throughout these two weeks on how you progressed, how you fought and how you did for the two tests: Capture the Flag and the day with the Abnegation in the Factionless sector. If you won against an opponent that was higher in the ranking you get more points, for winning against a weaker opponent respectively lesser points. These rankings are final for stage one. Tomorrow at 8 am you will meet us here again. We will be joined by the Dauntless-born and you continue your training together. If you have questions you can ask me the next few days. Now, as for the ranking itself." He turns around and uncovers the chalkboard. My breath hitches.

Edward

Peter

Tris

Will

Chris

Molly

Al

Drew

Myra

Third place. I smile to myself but then I blanch. Drew and Myra will leave us tomorrow. They will be Factionless. Even if I don't know Myra and don't like Drew I would never wish someone their fate. Without family, without shelter – Abnegation only able to do so much. They refurnished some buildings, opened the kitchens but there were just so many Factionless that it would be never enough. They still live in poverty. I shiver slightly and I am happy that Al isn't out yet because without him being aware I am thankful to have met him. His softness taught me something and I was amazed at this discovery.

His gentle character stands out so much that I could compare him and his reactions and manners to that of other Dauntless and what I would prefer. I already know that his cowardice is something I dislike about him but now I am sure that there is more to it. I was a bit startled when I saw the interaction between Tori and George, their way of teasing and calling each other names and I asked myself if I could act like them, wanted to act that way. And now I know that my answer is a definite yes.

I know Al means well with all the compliments and understanding and gentle mannerism but it really grinds my gears. I don't want to be coddled or treated carefully. I want fights and I want name calling and I want to feel all these things to their full expense. I don't think I could live a different life. These feelings make me feel alive and have to be extreme in some way to do so. Maybe it is more like a flaw than anything else but because I got to know Al I can really appreciate that flaw or notion within me because the alternative – a life he probably wants to live – would be the beginning of me wilting and going completely numb.

I am brought back from my thoughts by the silence around me. The atmosphere is thick with a mixture of things I can't deceiver. There is small chatter between Will and Al, Myra leaning against Edward, head in her hands, probably crying. Chris looks to me and I see her frown. Why exactly she frowns in my direction I have no idea and seriously I am not interested in it at the moment. Whatever her reason is I think she will talk to me when she is ready.

I try to ignore the glances Molly throws me but something else picks my interest soon enough. Peter is looking at the board and I have never seen him this calm. I feel my stomach turn into knots observing him. Until now he always displayed his emotions in typical Candor style, his opinions cruel, mean, but at least honest. At least I think he is honest in his dislike and even hate for something because I don't think anyone can pretend those feelings. They just need too much energy and displaying as a facade would be even more exhausting. As he looks at the ranking, arms crossed, shoulders tense I think he plans something and tries to suppress his Candor upbringing to just come out with it. I hope I am wrong.

* * *

I sit back leaning against the steel beam I last sat at after my fight against Molly. Christina was still talking to me and I was fixated on getting stronger and leaving the old me behind. And I wasn't aware that Eric had caught my eye right from the start. The events that transpired after my fight between me and him are still confusing. I frown slightly and try to forget the feeling of his strong hands on my face, looking around the room to let something else catch my attention.

I look up when Christina walks over to me cautiously. I am surprised that I am not sure if I want to talk to her. Even more so because I realise I am still hurt from her behavior. I still believe that she has a good heart and is all in all a good person. I am just not sure if I can handle her treating me the way she did and does at the moment. My nerves are still a bit on edge because of Visiting Day and everything that happened. But I won't be a coward and ignore her approaching me. I will speak to her and maybe the things that lay between us will dissolve themselves.

I push myself up into a standing position and cross my arms. I try not to feel defensive and want to keep an open mind. Maybe she is just as concerned about us drifting apart as I realise I am. Whatever comes now, I think, and even though I want to close the gap between us, I will stand up for myself and make sure she understands what I feel – although I am a bit frightened to let her see too much.

"Where were you the whole day?" Chris asks and I am slightly taken aback by her bluntness and the tone of her voice. There goes my resolve. I feel like she wants to fight and not solve the problems. She looks suspicious again. No 'Tris, I am sorry' or anything and my temper flares, making me lash out instead of trying to keep calm.

"Oh, so you are talking to me again? I wasn't sure with the whole on-off-thing you do." My voice sounds annoyed even to me and I cringe inwardly. Christina seems to be surprised by my jab in her direction. What did she expect me to do? Is her perception of me really that twisted?

"Well, obviously. And it's not as if I avoided you." She starts to sound just as annoyed. I grit my teeth to not scoff at her.

"As if I hadn't a reason to." Bitter. That's the way I feel now. I am bitter.

"Tell me about it." She is challenging me and I won't back down. Too much happened already and there is too much confusion within me to still control myself. I have had enough of this day already and it can just end. One more confrontation or emotional up-down-side-back and I am out for some blood. The notion is new to me, surprising, but I embrace it. It lets me feel strong.

"You thought that Peter was right. After everything he put you not to talk about your sister through you believed him when he said I would offer myself to Eric to get a better rank. Even though you have seen with your own eyes what I am capable of you took the easy way instead of accepting that I am good at what I am doing." I say more then I want to but I can't seem to stop myself.

"Because you underestimated me and belittled me for coming from Abnegation and for being small and plain and insignificant. Because you couldn't accept that a stupid Stiff might be better then you and it is easier to suspect something dirty then accepting the truth about oneself. I told you there was nothing between Eric and I. There still isn't... you... you believed Peter over me." I stop myself there, my voice starting to waver and I would just repeat myself. I don't want her to know just how much her behavior affected me. Not now at least when she doesn't want to make peace.

Christina is silent for a moment, her gaze hard just like my eyes are. I think I destroyed something that could have been a friendship with a little more time and interaction. No, not I destroyed it. It's not completely my fault. I may have been distant and aloof with her because I can't stand to be close to anyone, but she did enough things with her behavior as well. She hurt me enough, too.

"You are right." She says. Her honesty surprises and hurts me even though I know she was raised in Candor and I should have expected it. It's like a slap in the face. I don't know what to say so I keep quiet. I feel like I already talked enough for a week. And suddenly I feel angry. Angry at myself because I let people come close who haven't proved that they can be faithful and caring. And I am angry at Christina though I know it isn't her fault that she percepts me as weak – just like everyone else does – and thinks she can do whatever she wants to without taking in consideration that it might hurt me or make me angry. My fists clench at my side, the nails painfully boring into my palms. She sees my hands, sees my posture then and takes another step in my direction. Her posture changes but her eyes stay the same.

"Tris, look..." I watch her for a moment contemplating if I want to listen to her. If I can take more words even though I was the one talking, her small confession all it took for me to reach the end of my patience.

But I don't need to think about it. She seems to search for words that aren't there because nothing she could say would excuse her suspicious behaviour towards me or the way she belittled me right from the beginning even if it was just in her head and she didn't insult me like Peter did. And I think maybe she realises it right now, too, because her mouth shuts. Christina doesn't utter another word, her lips parting and closing again as if she has a silent conversation with herself. I find myself hoping that maybe she can give me a good reason for her behavior, but she doesn't. Chris just averts her eyes to the punching bags left to her, shoulders slumped forward.

"Shut it. Just leave me alone." But I don't let her make the decision to go, I go and I don't look back.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	20. Chapter 19

_Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_Thanks to anyone who took the time to review. Because I am watching Insurgent tonight (my time) I upload this a bit earlier and look forward what you think of the it. _

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

**Chapter 19**

I don't enter the dorm too late that evening. This whole day was a catastrophe and not even seeing Tobias helps me. The many emotions I have gone through are just too much to take anymore and I just want to fall asleep to end my thoughts for a few hours.

As I go through my rituals to get ready for a good night's sleep I discover that my anger slowly dissipates exhaustion taking its place. As I replay the fight with Christina I flinch. Everything has gone from slightly uncomfortable to a full disaster and I think I lost an opportunity to get a friend that could have helped me to discover myself.

I think if it wasn't for the whole Visiting Day and my confusion about so many things I wouldn't have reacted that way. I don't regret telling her what I think and feel and I still believe my speech was justified. Maybe a bit irreconcilable but just. Maybe my voice held too much anger, too, I think and I was too unyielding to begin with. Maybe she believed Peter so quickly because her perception told her that there is at least a small truth in it – she told me about Eric looking at me and she reacted suspicious to his treatment of me. As it is I don't think there is anything I can do at the moment. I am not a person to hold a grudge if it is something as little as a misunderstanding. I sigh.

I may not hold grudges because I think they are a waste of time but I am not backing down now. Being honest with myself I am not good at apologising as well. So maybe I have to accept that I am really alone now – or not alone, I still have Tobias.

I put crème on my upper left arm and pull Tobias' pullover over my head again, curling into myself, into the fabric that smells of him and my sheets, back turned to the whole room and trying to be as small as possible. Just too much for one day. It doesn't take long before I fall asleep but I awake every few minutes, tossing and turning not really finding relief.

* * *

I sigh again and am about to stand up when a sudden swishing sound lets me freeze. And then there is a bloodcurdling scream and a thud. I am highly alerted now and spring up from my bed, trying to find the light switch. When the lamps flicker on above me, I need a moment to get used to it. And then I stare in disbelieve at the scene in front of me. Rooted to the ground in shock. Edward is laying on the floor, hands pressed against his face, a butter knife glinting between his fingers. From the position of the knife I expect it to be planted in his eye and he is already laying in a small pool of his own blood.

My mind sways for a moment in disbelief and I think for a moment it just is too much for me to take in but than my brain shuts down, my mind turns numb. I am on autopilot again, just like I was when I thought Eric was in danger. There is no reluctance in my mind when I approach him, his blood and screams. I take big steps towards him, pressing Myra down onto a bed because she is hysterically standing next to him, tears streaming down her pale face. She looks like she is in at least as much pain as her boyfriend is. I yell for someone to get the stupid doctor already and I need to shove Will a bit before he starts to run.

After that I am uncomfortably calm. I can't feel my face because it is in a neutral, numb expression. I don't have to fake it. I can't lose my head, not when Edward needs someone so desperately. I crouch down on my knees, the warm blood and the cold floor letting me shiver for a moment but I don't really notice it. I take his head into my hands, gentle and careful, laying it down on my knees. He rolls around from one side to the other. I hold him still, pressing my fingers into his cheeks and push his hands away to make sure he doesn't make it worse. As if there is anything about this situation that could be worse.

"Take it out, please. Take it out, it hurts!" His voice changes from whimpers to screams and I hush him softly, running my fingers through his dirty blond hair and over his face feeling the tears, cold sweat and the blood. I try to put my calm onto him, to let him know that someone is there with him in his world that is filled with pain and shock.

"I know it hurts. But we have to wait for the doctor to take it out. Breath, just breath." I don't recognize my own voice. My hands hold his cheeks, fingers gentle at his jaw and I take a good look at the damage. I breathe out in a sigh and shut my eyes for a moment. After that I don't look down again. I just look ahead to the wall with unseeing eyes calming Edward down and feeling numb myself. There is no doubt in my mind that it was Peter. It's supported by the fact that both Peter and Drew are missing. I whisper soothing words I don't even hear, letting my fingers caress his forehead. He is calmer now but still whimpers now and then. I can't even begin to imagine his pain but I don't need to, I think.

I am not sure how much time passes until someone takes him out of my arms. I just know I shushed him, fingers in his hair, and the other hand on his chest to keep him down, feeling his heartbeat and labored breathing. I don't remember a thing after that, my mind numb with the experience.

* * *

Later I just find myself in a bathroom in front of a mirror without an idea how I got into it or who took me. I feel calloused hands on mine, warm water running down the joined limbs turning from clear to red. I feel my back pressed against a hard chest, my breath in tune with his. Calm and regular. The heartbeat grounding me, making me feel real again. My mind returns to my body and is nearly crushed under the weight of exhaustion. His heat is keeping me comfortable against the cold in the washroom.

I look up to see myself in the mirror. Dark shadows under my grey-blue eyes, hair dishevelled, pale skin. I don't recognize the girl in there as the girl who joined Dauntless in hope for a better life. It is the one I saw every three months when I was allowed to look into a mirror in Abnegation. Maybe physical and mental pain aren't so different after all – at least their effects seem to be the same. I can't stand the things I see there. The broken mind in my dull eyes, the furrowed brows and no fire anywhere. I avert my eyes, close them violently and I am angry because I am a coward to not be able to face myself.

I smell him beneath the other scents in the bathroom. I try to absorb as much of him as possible hoping it will calm me down. Having him behind me helps a lot already, his strong hands on my skin, his arms circled around me, protecting me from the outside world. Or maybe I am just too exhausted emotionally to really feel anything other than his heat and my tiredness. I try to concentrate on him and nothing else and deep gratitude fills me. I really like him close to me. I sigh softly.

My eyes open again, searching the image of the man behind me who concentrates on cleaning my hands and forearms. He seems to be lost in the task, his brow furrowed, too. He looks as distant and as strong as ever and I envy him for always being so unaffected. I wish I could be like him in that matter. I sigh again and our eyes meet for a split second as he glances up. My head is still against his collarbone and a sense of rightness invades every cell in my body. I don't care that it is inappropriate on so many levels I can't even start to phantom, not now, not in the near future. And it doesn't matter that I haven't figured him out or my feelings and thoughts about him. I just feel so safe there, leaning against him, absorbing his warmth, letting him take care of me because I shut down. It's as if instead of Eric Tobias stands there. At the same time it's a completely different sort of safety. A safety that is more complex and surprisingly holds more meaning – at least for me.

"Thank you." I simply whisper, my lips still numb from being pressed together for a long amount of time I suppose. He turns off the water and takes a green towel from his left side to start drying my pale skin. He is gentle, treating me like I am some intricate glass figure. I don't mind in this moment, though. I feel like breaking.

"You weren't reacting to anyone and the doctor said to take you out of the dorm and get you cleaned up. He said you have a shock." He talks barely above a whisper, the sound a bit raspy. I guess he was woken in the middle of the night because he is one of our instructors and something so dreadful happened. He speaks as if he is talking to an animal and isn't sure what to expect: an attack or a break-down or both one after the other. I start to speak without really realising it.

"Edward was attacked in the middle of the night, just like that. I didn't sleep well because I have so much on my mind and just as I decided to go for a walk to clear my mind and shut out the thoughts and hypothesis and just everything. Suddenly I hear that sound and then there is screaming. I switch on the light and see Edward. Someone drove a butter knife into his eye. I was afraid he would do more damage so I thought that someone needed to calm him down, anyone really." It seems I have to verbally express all the details to get it out of my mind and stop it from replaying itself in front of my eyes. I know I am rambling because there aren't enough words to explain it to myself or anyone really. There aren't enough words to forget, too. I will never forget. And I am grateful that he lets me just talk.

"But Myra, his girlfriend was hysteric and the others just stood there watching, one even vomited though I am not sure about that. I just know I smelled something sour and foul. I took over or something inside of me took over." I swallow, my throat dry, my lips still numb, stumbling over the thoughts I want to put into words.

"I put his head in my lap, running my hand through his hair. His hair is so soft and I remembered that I always felt calmer when Tobias did it for me after a rough night. I thought it would calm Edward down as well. Nice Edward that wasn't really my friend but an ally and who stood up for me while we played Capture the Flag. Edward that was concerned about me on our day in Abnegation without even knowing me." My eyes burn but no tear slips from them. I think there aren't any tears left in me and it would be inappropriate to cry because Edward was the one in pain, with his eyeball pierced with a butter knife. I feel bile rise in my throat, but I need to keep talking. So I talk and he stays silent as if he knows I need to get it off my chest.

"I tried to tell him everything will be alright, though I know it won't be. Silly phrases, words without truth. I lied through my teeth. Nothing will be alright again and I couldn't do anything to make it better except tell him to stay calm. How can him ..." I am interrupted as Eric turns me around and pulls me into his chest, one hand at my back the other pressing my head to his body. His hand is so big he nearly covers my back from one side to the other and it just feels good and right that he holds me like this, that he is taller than me, stronger even. I shake and I don't think I can stop. He doesn't say a word and I am grateful because there is nothing to say except empty words that won't help anyone. We stay silent, the quiet around us only broken by the sound of the old heating pipes and my clattering teeth.

"He was brought to the hospital. The doctor said he doesn't have any hope for the eye but is sure he will make it." I nod, my face against the soft fabric of his t-shirt. He doesn't have to tell me these things but he does and I see his reasoning. He wants to give me a closure as well. But I think I will only have a closure when the attacker is punished. I don't believe in an eye for an eye but this time I would make an exception because it was just so malicious to attack someone that sleeps and couldn't protect himself.

"Edward will leave Dauntless and Myra with him." I say, my voice muffled against him, his scent overpowering the disinfection and soap-smell that lingers around us. Smelling him helps. I feel my muscles relax a bit, though I am still shaking, small shivers running down my skin and I think I would be freezing from exhaustion, memories and the bathroom without him against me. Without him folding me into him. I find it a little concerning that I need him but the thought is fleeting and I forget about it just a second after. I like the security he gives me and I like him close to me.

"The decision is really up to him. But I think you are right. He will leave." My arms are around his waist and I realise that someone took Tobias' pullover away, leaving me in my tank top. I sigh because it was the only thing I have that smelled like him and kept me safe even though he isn't close by and I just got it yesterday. I know it is ridiculous, being sad about a pullover. I feel it. But I think I want to deter my attention from the events.

"Where is my pullover? Four just gave me that pullover. I need it back." I feel Eric stiffen for a moment but ignore it. My hands are laying comfortable against his warm back feeling the hard muscles and strength beneath the shirt, drawing energy from him.

"I threw it away. It was soaked in blood." I am disappointed but nod anyway because I think it was the right decision. It wouldn't smell like Tobias anymore. He puts his hands on my shoulders and pushes me back. His eyes are gentle and I lose myself in their grey for a moment. If only I could see what goes through his mind.

"I asked Jules to take you in for the night. She will be here any moment. I am sure you can use her shower and she has a spare pair of pants for you." I look down and see the still wet patches of blood on my knees and shins. I avert my gaze and nod again. My arms hang limply at my side. They feel empty and unimportant without the previous occupation – holding Eric against me.

"Can you hold me just a moment longer please?" I don't know where I took the strength from to be this bold but it really doesn't matter because I know it will help me and I already miss his closeness. I observe his face with tired eyes. He frowns for a few seconds, seems to contemplate something. He sighs and looks vulnerable for just a split second. I look into his eyes and see a flash of affection that makes something inside of me flutter. He softly brushes a strand of my blond hair behind my ear, cups my cheek afterwards, his thumb softly caressing the skin under my eye. I let them close and lean into his touch.

His hand glides from my cheek to my shoulder and pulls me gently towards him. I fall into him, my arms again snaking around his waist, squeezing him to me for a moment. One of his hands strokes my neck, the other is on my hip. I feel him lean down and think I feel lips in my hair. I press my lips on his chest, just above his heart.

"Thank you, Eric. For everything." He doesn't answer and we stay like this, lost in the moment and ourselves.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	21. Chapter 20

_Thanks to my beta - Torry-Riddle._

_Ok, so I just came back home from the cinema and I am really depressed... the movie is pretty intense. You have to watch it, srsly. That and because you all made me nearly cry with your reviews (tears of happiness of course) I update again today. Thank you so much for your kind words! I will probably reply to all of you - if possible - throughout the week. Until Saturday!_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

**Chapter 20**

I don't know how long we stand in his bathroom, he holding me and unconsciously healing me. He leads me out of the bathroom, his big hand clasping my small one. I find myself in a small living room. A couch, a coffee table, a lamp and some books. It isn't anything special. There is a knock on the door and Eric goes to open it. He drops my hand after caressing it with his thumb a last time and just then I realise he held it. I feel my hand is empty just like my arms where after he left them.

"Where is she?" Jules enters the room, her voice clouded with concern and discovers me. She takes in my appearance and I see pity in her eyes. I scowl for a second but then I try to see myself through her eyes, how I have to appear to her.

"Thanks for taking her in." Eric's voice is deep and calm. Jules nods, takes one of my hands and pulls me gently to the door. I look back to Eric, his grey eyes on me with a glint in them I can't place with my tired mind. I nod in his direction and he closes the door. I feel a bit disappointed to leave him but follow Jules anyway down the corridor to another door. She shows me her bathroom, lays out some sweatpants and a towel.

I let the warm water sooth my muscles, try to wash away the events, the fights, the feelings. I want to be bare of everything. After my shower I am dressed in tank top and sweatpants, thick socks on my feet. Jules prepared her couch for me, the pillows soft, and the sheet large and smelling of lemons. I pull it up to my nose, curling into myself, making me as small as possible. I fall into darkness soon after, my body tired enough to shut my mind out, sleep overtaking my exhausted form.

* * *

I hear some rustling and a small thud in front of me but keep my eyes closed for a moment longer to orientate. I didn't dream and I am so grateful because now the events of last night come rushing back to me and I feel sick. Edward, poor Edward. I wasn't friends with him but I liked him. His calm, brave and caring being and now he will be Factionless – I am almost completely sure he will leave Dauntless. Not because he is afraid but because he can't trust anyone anymore. I think back to Eric as well and I feel like crying. After everything I have done to prove to myself and everyone else that I am strong I break when it really counts. I was weak even though I should have been brave. My eyes burn and I press my face against the cushions hard, trying to suppress the urge to cry. I haven't cried because of Edward and I won't cry because I failed. Stage two begins today and I will just work harder to get stronger. At the moment though I would gladly stay under the thick covers, pressed into the cushions for a little longer but I bring myself to sit up, folding my legs under me.

I think about Eric some more, my mind circling. I don't understand my need for him and I am just the slightest bit embarrassed by my actions. I frown and try to tell my feelings apart. I don't regret it, though. It might have been a bold step, but it felt right, I felt right and holding him and him I felt right, too. But I also feel weak for breaking like this. And in front of him.

"Good morning, Tris." Jules says gently, coming over and placing a plate with eggs, bacon and buttered bread in front of me next to a steaming cup of tea. I nod back at her, both in greeting and thanks. She smiles softly.

"Eric came by earlier to check on you. I haven't seen him this worried since we were still in Erudite and his mother was waiting on a diagnosis from the doctors." I frown for a moment and I am not sure why she tells me something so random. Maybe she is a bit nervous because she as well doesn't know what to expect from me after the things I saw and did.

"What time is it?" I ask calmly, taking up my fork and begin to take small bites from my plate.

"Half past one pm." I look up shocked and Jules seems to know what I am thinking about.

"Amar and Eric decided to pause initiation for today because almost everyone is still shocked. Not a good thing for stage two. You are to meet tomorrow morning at 8 am." Nodding slightly I turn back to my plate in front of me. I don't want to eat, my stomach still turning making me feel sick, but I urge myself to empty the plate. I need to eat, I need to stay nourished. I have to get stronger.

When Jules comes back into the room I am leaning against the back of the couch, teacup in hand, staring at the wall in front of me. I feel comfortable enough, the room silent and I enjoy the calmness her light blue walls install in me.

"Thank you for letting me stay with you for the night." She takes the place next to me, mirroring my position.

"You are welcome." I feel her eyes on me but I continue to stare ahead. I don't want to meet her eyes that probably still hold pity. We are silent for a few seconds longer. Then I feel Jules shift beside me.

"You know, you were really brave. I don't think I could have done what you did for the other initiate." I scoff slightly.

"His name is Edward. And I don't think I was brave. I shut down and someone else had to take care of me. I was weak and Eric saw it." I cringe because I don't want her to know how much it bothers me that he saw me in this state. Jules chuckles softly and I avert my eyes to her surprised by her reaction.

"I think he never saw someone braver in his entire life. I don't think I did as well. We are Dauntless and do all these reckless things, but true bravery only shows when someone else is in need of protection. And you did it for Edward without a second thought." I hear her words but I don't feel them as if my mind is cushioned and the only things reaching me are the guilt for not doing more and losing it afterwards. Jules seems to sense my feelings, touching my shoulder with a feather light hand and before she can continue to talk about bravery and how excellent I did, I speak up.

"I think I should probably head out again, train a bit, get my head off of things." I stand up, my legs tingling from sitting to long in one position, blood rushing back into my limbs now. Jules stays silent for a moment, maybe contemplating if it is safe to let me go.

"Ok. If you need anything...you know, someone to listen, I am here." She is the second person to offer me something like that. Do I carry a sign telling anyone I am a troubled girl or something? I frown for a moment and nod then.

"Thank you. I'll keep that in mind." Jules brings me to her door, pressing my shoulder for a last time. When the door closes behind me, I take a deep breath. I already feel like I have experienced too much in too short time and initiation isn't even halfway over. I think about Tobias and how he felt while he was an initiate. If he was as exhausted as I am? If he had as many thoughts running through his mind? I think it would help to talk to him. But for now I decide to do as I said. I will go and train. Maybe the exercise can put a hold on everything around and within me.

* * *

I run until my legs are close to giving out under me. After taking a short pause I lift weights so long my muscles shiver and burn in pain. I practice my punches and kicks until my knuckles are split. But all of this doesn't help to stop my thoughts. I think about Edward and Peter, about how one of them was everything Dauntless is looking for and the other is jealous and cruel. I see Myra hysterically crying and unable to utter a word. I ask myself how it would be like to love someone so much. Someone that isn't a part of your family. I know I love my brother with all my heart but this love is completely different from that of a sibling. Because it isn't just there. It grows with shared experiences.

After everything I experienced as a child and throughout my early teenage years I am not sure if I could give my all for a person, to love so deeply it hurts just as much when the other is injured. This love is something special and in this moment I think I know it isn't something for me. It comes with dependence and trust and with the other knowing you like you yourself do or even better. Fear. That's what I feel when I think about it.

The door to the training room squeaks open and I look behind me, strands from my ponytail falling into my face. I push them back and greet Uriah with a short nod.

"Hey." His voice is soft, his hands are in his pockets. Uriah looks at my knuckles and frowns.

"How are you?" I shrug in response because I don't know for sure how I feel. It's all a mess in my head. I hope that that will change soon. He nods understandingly and I guess growing up in Dauntless gives you a bit of insight. Maybe he lost a friend or a family member in a cruel way. Maybe he saw something that was too much for his still young mind. Just like I did. We stay silent, I go back to my punches and kicks and he observes me and my movements. I don't think he judges me or is weighing me. There is just nothing else to look at and take his attention away.

"I want to invite you to something only Dauntless-born are normally allowed to." I keep my back to him, only slightly turning my head so he knows I am listening.

"Could you meet me in the Pit at 9 pm?" I think for a moment. Whatever it is, Uriah thinks it will help me or he wouldn't have asked me. In all his endearing teasing, bantering and lightheartedness he is a very caring person. The way he makes sure that Marlene and Lynn are ok the whole time, the way he doesn't ask questions about my background even though he showed interest, the way he respects my silence. I really like Uriah and I think he is my friend. A real friend.

I turn around and smile slightly. It feels a bit foreign though I just laughed with Tobias not a day ago. It seems ages ago now.

"I will be there." Uriah looks up from his feet and smiles too. He nods once and makes his way over to the door.

"Oh, and Trissy, don't exhaust yourself even more then you already are." I scoff at the nickname but a warm feeling blooms in my stomach. Before I can answer him he is already gone. I embrace the emotion within me, saving it for later.

* * *

After I showered and ate something I find myself leaning against a wall in the Pit, hands in my tight black pants, eyes observing the crowd. At one point I find Eric looking my way, standing with Jules and his two other friends, sharing a drink probably. Jules smiles my way and yells a light 'Hey, Tris!' I smile at her in return, still grateful for her help this morning. I am surprised when I see Eric push her slightly to the side and approaching me. His grey eyes are different than normal but I can't place what it is that changes them. He stops in front of me, closer than I thought he would, his feet on either side of mine. I cross my arms over my chest, not showing him that I am nervous for what is to come.

"Stiff." His voice is a bit raspy and not as calm as I am used to. I look into his face, trying to find the reason why he would come over to me. He stares at me for a few moments, his eyes taking me in. He watches me so long I have the feeling he wants to memorize my features. He is not judging me, not in the professional way like the times he tried to gauge my injuries.

Without me noticing his hand is next to my face, slowly getting closer to it as if he wants to make sure I am comfortable with his advances. His fingertips brush against my skin, his hand gliding into the position it had yesterday. My eyes shut automatically and I feel myself leaning into his hand that is calloused and warm and strong. I sigh and he lets his hand drop. I miss his touch again.

"Hey to you, too." I say, to cover up both of our actions, a bit taken aback by his behavior and mine. He averts his eyes to the side. His jaw clenches and unclenches. I think he battles with himself or something within him. About what I don't know. He leans forward a bit, his grey eyes meeting mine again, a hand grasping my hip none too gentle and I feel my cheeks flush from his touch there. It is far too intimate and intense for me to take in.

"What are you doing?" My voice sounds a bit breathless. I feel something inside of me flutter again. He smirks playfully, leaning closer still and I can feel and smell his hot breath now. And then there is anger within me. What I am angry about I don't really now. Maybe it is a mixture of a few things: That he is at least slightly drunk and approaches me in this state, or that I am reacting to his touch, so in tune with the feel of his hands on me, or that he makes me feel things I haven't ever before, or that I see that he knows that he has an effect on me in all the right way.

"What do you think I am doing?" He observes me and again I ask myself what he sees when he looks at me. His thump draws lazy circles on my hip, heat spreading through my whole body. I pinch myself at my crossed forearms to snap out of it. Someone has to keep a cool head, or as cool as I can be with anger still within me.

"I think you are drunk and I should get Jules before you do something you will probably regret." I hate how I shiver as his thumbs now strokes the skin on my hip and stomach the tank top pushed up. His smirks widens.

"I think you like what I am doing to you and are just too stubborn and stiff to accept it." I scowl at him then, my eyes probably flashing with anger as well. He chuckles, a sound I have never heard before and it lets me stop in surprise for a moment. I don't know what is funny to earn this reaction and I think he chuckles at me, at my reaction and my inexperience to deal with situations like this.

"Eric, you should go and find someone else to put your attention on." My voice is clipped and I am happy that my hurt isn't showing. Now he scowls at me, his smirk gone as well as a part of his playfulness.

"There isn't anyone else." He is angry. With me or himself I don't know. I can just stare at his back as he joins his group of friends again. Jules looks in my direction questioningly and I can just shrug.

I brush down my top where his hand was moments before, staring at the people around me but not really seeing them. I don't know what to think of his actions, first gentle then daring. Maybe I shouldn't interpret too much into them – his inebriate state probably letting him do things he doesn't really want to do. I close my eyes, breath in deeply. It was an uncomfortable encounter, not because of his closeness but the confusion it left behind. I shut out everything about it and promise myself to not think about it for the rest of the evening. Shortly after I feel someone joining my side.

"Ready?" I nod and Uriah throws an arm around me. I let him and he leads me to a big group of Dauntless I have mostly never seen before.

"What's the Stiff doing here?" Someone shouts when we approach and my back goes rigid.

"Her name's Tris. She's cool. So if you don't want a problem with me you keep your mouth shut." I see Zeke stand up. I smile in his direction appreciatively and he throws me a grin back.

"Everyone ready?! Ok, let's go!" The group yells alongside him, cheering and laughing loudly. The noise fills me up and I feel a small part of the weight lift from my mind. Uriah squeezes my shoulder for a moment then we start to run, up some stairs, crossing over the glass floor I found at my first evening. I am reminded of my Choosing Day when we left the Hub, running together to the tracks and it feels great though the emotion is dimmed down.

I don't talk to anyone and just enjoy the energy of the people around me, absorbing it like a nearly dried-up sponge. I feel some of my fierce energy comes back to me and I laugh alongside some crude comments and not-serious insults.

We jump on the train. Securing one of my hands on the handle I let myself lean outside of the wagon for a while, feeling the cold wind against my cheeks, throwing my hair around my head. My eyes water but there is no burning behind them, so no emotional tears just a reaction to the airstream. Sometime later I lean back into the train, freezing but feeling alive. We jump off when a big building appears – the Hancock building. I try to imagine what it looked like before the war, lights on from the first floor to the 100th, filled with people, maybe working or living there. I think my picture is not even close to the reality.

We spill into the lobby and I find myself next to Lynn and Uriah.

"Where do we go from here?" I ask looking around the room. Some windows are broken and the shards are glistening in the moonlight.

"To the top of the building of course." I look at Lynn quizzically and she laughs probably knowing what I am thinking.

"My brother is turning on the generators at the moment." Uriah says with a grin of his own. I just nod and stay silent. Only a few minutes later we enter the elevator and someone presses the button for the 100th floor. I feel my stomach turn in anticipation and the feeling of being lifted without going anywhere yourself. When the doors open everything is dark around us. I see a ladder being brought to a hole in the roof and start to climb the steps when it is my turn.

The wind on the roof takes me slightly by surprise and I have to lean against it to not fall over. The view is breathtaking. I make my way a bit over to the roof, cautiously not standing too close. The city around us is silent and nearly completely dark. The only lights still on are at the Erudite headquarters. Erudite the Faction that thrives for knowledge. The Faction Eric comes from. Eric who took care of me, let me take his warmth and strength without making a fuss or complaining. How things change in just a few days. I don't know when I stopped to be bothered by my physical attraction for him or that I am curious about him. I accepted both not too long ago but if I had to name the time I wouldn't have the slightest clue. The only thing left is a bit frustration because I trust him on some level and an unknown warmth within me when I think about him. I shake my head, scowling at myself. I promised myself before we started our trip I wouldn't think of him and I won't.

A hand touches my shoulder and I turn around. Uriah nods into the opposite direction and I follow him to Zeke and another guy who help a girl into two slings at a steel line. I draw my eyebrows up and just observe, not quite understanding what will happen next.

"Have fun, love!" Zeke yells, counts down to one and pushes the girl over the edge of the building. I gasp for a second. I should have known that our activity today would be about bravery and taking unnecessary risks. I hear the girl laugh hysterically and I smile myself. We are Dauntless, so no risk is unnecessary I berate myself. We need it to breath and feel alive. And I love that about them and myself. I watch as two other persons are secured in the slings, pushed over the edge and disappeared into the darkness of the night.

"Trissy, your turn!" Zeke calls out, looking searchingly through the persons around us. I go up to him, my steps secure and punch him slightly in the arm.

"What was that for?" He laughs, rubbing his arm and I laugh too.

"I think Uriah already told you that I hate that nickname of his." I easily reply, shrugging my shoulders to appear even more nonchalant.

"But we love it because you look so adorable when riled up though you have a mean punch there, love." I blush a light shade of red and he ruffles my hair. I shove him lightly and feel myself relax. It seems because Uriah likes me, Zeke has adopted me as a friend as well. I don't complain.

He helps me into the slings, checking three times if I am safe and I feel a bit frightened when I look down. The emotion is gone just as quickly and I look back to Zeke. He grins broadly.

"Enjoy your ride, Trissy!" Uriah yells from behind me and I want to answer him with an insult but suddenly I am pushed forward, Zeke not counting down but shoving me over the edge. And then everything except flying vanishes from my mind.

The wind hurts in my eyes a bit but I don't care because this is freedom and open them even wider to not miss anything. I spread my arms, fighting against the strong wind, feeling it glide through my fingers and hair, pulling violently on my clothes. The city underneath me, the sky above me, I feel my fire return to me. The fire that helped me through Abnegation, bullying and now initiation. The fire that gives me my strength and my will. I feel like laughing and crying in relief. The dark buildings glide into and out of my slightly blurred vision and I hope I can stay here forever because at the moment I feel like the birds and clouds I envied. I feel perfect.

A slight disappointed fills me when I feel myself slow down, the ground beneath me now so much closer and then it just ends. I hang a few feet above the ground and I hear people cheering beneath me. I cheer alongside them, loosening the slings around me and then I am falling into their awaiting arms. The contact is slightly uncomfortable and the air is pressed out of my lungs but I ignore both and just let me be put down on the concrete. I feel the hard ground and I already want to go back up there, want to fly again and I think I will. Jumping into a net can't compare to this, nothing can.

Gratitude and happiness fills me. For Uriah and the people around me, for choosing Dauntless, for choosing freedom.

"How was it, Tris? Enjoyed it?" Lynn slings her arm around my waist and I mirror her not caring for the close contact. The light feeling suppressing my panic.

"When can I go up there again?" She laughs alongside me and a few join in.

"Who would have thought the Stiff has it in her?" Someone jokes and I let the mean nickname and his underestimation bounce off of me. Nothing can reach me at the moment.

"I never had my doubts." Lynn says protectively and I smile gratefully.

I always knew I belong in Dauntless, my main aptitude being Dauntless, too. But I had my doubts about the style of living, about the people and if I could bring myself to be as brave, fearless and daring as they are. Now I stand among them, am a part of them. I guess he is right, who would have thought indeed.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	22. Chapter 21

_Thanks to my beta - Torry-Riddle._

_Thanks again for all the reviews. Because one of the guest asked this question: Maybe you have seen on my profile that I updated my "My work" section, stating now that there will be four more parts in "The Office Series". I am currently writing, but the progress is slow, so be a bit patient, please. I want to make this right._

_To this chapter: I am really not happy with it. If I could I would rewrite it, but because I am already so far ahead and changing it would be a lot of work I let it the way it is. Sorry, that the quality isn't up to standard. Hope you enjoy it anyway. AND: The "big" secret is revealed. I hope it feels right._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does. _

* * *

**Chapter 21**

When I put down my breakfast in front of me I feel a pair of arms circling my waist and I smile. These arms will always be my safe place.

"Good morning!" I turn around in his arms and embrace him back, kissing his cheek for a second and then pulling away. I get a short glance at Eric who stands in the food line. He averts his eyes as soon as my eyes connect with his. I frown for a moment. Maybe he thinks about yesterday. I flush, feeling embarrassed but let it slide and sit down, starting to cut my bacon.

"Morning. Joining me for breakfast?" I ask, shoving the fork into my mouth and chewing carefully. Tobias sits next to me, an arm around my shoulders and smiling down at my puffed cheeks.

"Yep and inviting you to join me for dinner. I could get Zeke to take over an errant I otherwise would have to do tonight, so I am all yours after my shift in the control room ends at 5 pm." My face breaks into a broad smile.

"Will someone join us?" He slightly stiffens and shakes his head.

"I think it would be better if we had the evening to ourselves. You know, catching up, some much needed alone time." I nod, accept his reasoning and am happy to have him all to myself. Warmth fills me at the thought of sharing a meal with Tobias again, just the two of us.

"I heard what happened in your dorm the other night." Now it's my turn to stiffen. I roll my shoulders for a moment, loosening my muscles. I don't know what to say to him or what to say about the incident itself. I think because I already talked to Eric about it in detail I don't feel the need to talk to anyone else.

"Do you want or need to talk about it?" I shake my head, a small smile appearing on my face because he respects my own wishes first. Maybe it's his last part of the Abnegation upbringing that will stick with him for the rest of his life. That he will respect the wishes of others over his own needs or wishes. I know he is probably worried about me and I try to reassure him.

"No, thank you. I talked to Eric about it. He took care of me because I shut down after Edward was taken to the hospital. Now I just feel a bit shaken because something like that even happened. I think I will be alright soon." He nods, his face thoughtful, glancing to Eric who sits a few tables away to our left. It's strange to talk about Eric to someone especially to Tobias. It's just like a few days ago – I want to keep my thoughts about him and our interaction when we are alone a secret. I want to protect that part of me fiercely. Maybe I overreact – its Tobias and I can tell him everything.

"Eric? Your instructor?" He asks and I wonder if they both know each other. The thought never crossed my mind before but it would make sense. They both are twenty years old and probably were in the same initiation class together because both of them were transfers. An idea pops into my mind and I feel curiosity rising within me. Maybe I have the opportunity to ask him about Eric this evening.

"Yep. The doctor told him to take me out of the dorm because I had some sort of shock or something. So Eric helped me clean myself up and asked one of his friends if I could sleep in her flat for the night." Tobias nods, his forehead creased. I shove him slightly with my shoulder and he looks up, softening his features. I raise an eyebrow and he smiles.

"Nothing." I nod my ok and take a last gulp from my cup.

"I need to go now. Second stage will begin today and Amar said to be there at 8 am." I hug Tobias around his back and take my tray.

"Meet me in the Pit." I nod, smiling down at him and leave after discarding my tray.

* * *

Everyone else is already in the training room when I enter. The last day I could evade their eyes but now they look at me and I don't know what to think of that. I don't feel comfortable when I am the center of attention so I try to find a spot slightly away from everyone else, hiding a bit in the shadows the punching bags throw. No one approaches me with questions and I am grateful. I don't know what I could tell them what they don't already know anyway. All of them were there when it happened. I don't want to think about my own reaction after Edward was brought away and what they might think about it. I hope they don't think I am weak – I can't stand anyone thinking that about me. Another thing why I was so angry with Christina. Of course she hasn't any direct influence on her subjective perception but she knows a few things about me and saw me fight. Her opinion should have changed after that. It's ridiculous that my fight with her is the only safe thought I have at the moment.

Amar steps up then and I take a short look at the chalkboard behind him. Edward's name is gone along with Myra's. I flinch. Even though I knew right after the incident that he will leave eventually I thought that maybe there is another way he sees and I don't. But I was right. He is a Factionless now. I don't know if it is some kind of relief that Myra is with him. I hope for him that it is. Amar's voice interrupts my musings.

"Today starts the second stage of initiation. As we told you before this stage is about your emotional capability, how you deal with fear. We as Dauntless take facing your fears literally. That means that you will be injected with a serum Erudite made for our needs that will put you into a simulation. There you will face your fears. Most people have ten to twelve. The key is to overcome the fear or calm your breath and heartrate to a normal level otherwise you are stuck in there until the serum's effect stops." I gulp. My mouth and throat feel dry and I feel my hands shake. Fear. I think I have so many fears that I will never get out of the simulation ever again.

"Because there is no way to prepare yourself you will be practicing together with the Dauntless-born. They will meet us in front of your new training room. Follow me now." Amar leads us through different corridors. Some of them I can remember from my tour on Visiting Day. The training room for the simulation isn't too far away from our dorms. As we approach it we see the Dauntless-born initiates all in different states of calm. They are standing in groups together, leaning against the walls, occupying the chairs or sitting on the floor. When we reach them Amar speaks up again:

"I will call you in one after another. The rest of you has to wait here." Then he opens the metal door and disappears behind it. I take a look at the other initiates and before I can take a step forward, Uriah calls me. I smile in greeting at him, Lynn and Marlene all sitting comfortable on the floor.

"Hey there, Tris. Everything good so far? Still high on zip-lining?" Lynn pats the spot next to her and I let myself sink to the floor. I nod and smile at her, our shoulders bumping into one another as I lean against the wall next to her.

"We have to do it again and soon!" I exclaim with so much happiness it amazes even myself. Uriah and Lynn chuckle, Marlene going green in the face a bit.

"You really are something else, Tris. I don't think I can do this again." Marlene says, her voice slightly quivering.

"Oh, baby, next time we go together and you will enjoy it, promise." Uriah says cheerfully, earning an eye roll form Lynn and me and a grateful smile accompanying a nod from Marlene. We stay silent for a moment and the next time I speak up, my voice is solemn.

"Are you nervous yet?" I ask and start to bite my bottom lip.

"No, not really. You can't prepare yourself for it and what's there to prepare for. Either you are brave enough to face your fear or you are not." Uriah sounds calm and unconsciously plays with Marlene's hand. They are so in tune with one another that she doesn't even seem to notice their interaction but just plays along.

The first person to be called is Drew. I don't care about him. He is just one of Peter's lackeys. We stay silent for the most time, see initiates enter and leave again, all shaken up, pale and with circles under their eyes. I try to stay calm, not to think about the things I maybe have to face. It's interesting that there is a serum like that. I try to imagine what my worst fear could be and just one thing stands out. I hope I don't have to face it. When it is my turn to enter the room I take a few breaths, try to find a calm place in my mind that I can concentrate on. There are pictures of Tobias and I sort through them, smiling a bit. Suddenly I find another picture that hasn't anything to do with Tobias. It's of Eric embracing me not two days ago. I know I felt safe and comfortable but it is highly irritating that he would enter my mind now when I need to be calm.

* * *

Amar leads me gently to a metal chair not unlike the one I had to sit on while I took my aptitude test. His smile is soft as he begins to speak.

"I will inject the serum in your neck. It will take a few seconds to take effect so don't worry." He shows me the syringe and I shiver slightly. The needle is very long. But when he pushes away my hair and I feel the pain I don't flinch back.

"Remember to find a way to overcome your fear or to calm down enough for it to end. Try to understand what your fear means. It is mostly not the thing that is displayed but has another meaning." I nod, try to understand what Amar wants to tell me, but I feel dizziness rising within me. I close my eyes and breathe deeply.

When I open my eyes again I am hanging over the chasm. The cold water sprays against my calves and black tights and I shiver. The deafening sounds of the rushing water fill my entire being and I grit my teeth and just hang on for dear life. My fingers hurt badly and I know I won't be able to hold on for long. Above me appears a person. It's Christina. She holds out her hand.

"Take my hand, Tris! I can help you up." She sounds desperate and I ask myself if she forgot about our fight. I think for a moment to take the offered hand but something holds me back. I can't take her hand. My fingers are stuck at the railing. Every time I try to loosen my grip it is back just as strong as before. There is another cold wave at my backside and I curse under my breath. I look back up at Christina. I see fear in her eyes and the growing desperation but all I can think is to not take her hand because I will fall if I do. I can't trust her. A mixture of pain from the abuse of my limbs and fear of falling makes my heart beat fast. My breath is labored and ragged. Christina is still screaming at me to take her hand so she can help me. I feel my eyes burn and taste the foul taste of defeat on my tongue. I look up at her again, try to communicate with my eyes that I am sorry and let go hoping that my death won't be too painful.

I jerk out of the chair, my breath loud in my own ears, joined by the rushing of my blood. I let my head fall into my hands, try to chase away the images and calm my heartbeat down. I feel a reassuring hand on my shoulder but I brush it off. I don't need it at the moment. It's enough that I feel shaken without a touch I don't like or care about.

"Impressive, Tris." I scowl at Amar's comment and he seems to understand that it was the wrong time to say something like that. He smiles a gentle smile again.

"I mean your time. You were faster than all of the others. You did well." I avert my eyes and stand up, my knees a bit weak but I think I will manage.

"It doesn't feel good." My voice is blank and barely above a whisper. Amar nods.

"It never feels good to face your own fears. But you will get used to it one way or another. If you continue to be this fast I don't doubt you will make it into the third stage. Get some rest now." He leads me to the door. I nod goodbye and leave the room. I am happy that there aren't so many people left because I don't feel like keeping up my facade for too long. I wave to Uriah and Lynn keeping my face straight. Being the two best Dauntless-born they will have to face their fears as the last two. When I know I am alone, I sink to the floor, breathing ragged again, and chest hurting. I curl into myself, head between my knees, hands in my hair.

It takes an hour before I am ready to go again. I just shower, pull on some other clothes and leave for the Pit hoping that Tobias is there already.

* * *

Tobias is guiding me through the quarters of the dauntless members. My hand is safely tugged into his larger one and I can relax a bit. I am exhausted emotionally. To see Christina so out of character and my decision let me feel cold inside. I know what the fear really stands for but I am not ready to think of it in all details. I just accept it as something new I learned about myself. I more stumble then walk beside Tobias, my legs heavy, my mind a mile away. But he doesn't seem to mind too much that we are just slowly making progress to his apartment. Maybe he knows without asking that I am still trying to process my fear.

When we stand before his door, Tobias begins to search for his key and I look down the corridor. There are 6 doors on each side, each painted a dark red, golden numbers indicating the apartment. The light doesn't flicker and the floor is even and covered with dark wood. I can easily picture myself living here and I think it is the first time I really can see myself as a Dauntless. Everything before now felt like some sort of dream – sometimes too good to be true, sometimes to real for a dream and sometimes too cruel to be a good one. But now I am standing next to the one person I can easily say I love without any doubt in my mind and the initiation will be over soon. At least I hope so. I am brought back from my musings when I see a man approaching us. I recognize him immediately as Eric. So Jules has to live here somewhere too. I remember that I just went a few doors down to her apartment.

When he nearly reaches us, I see his eyes are narrowed and I unconsciously try to pull my hand out of Tobias'. Tobias looks up when he feels my slight tug and throws me a gaze loaded with questions. My eyes wander back to Eric and Tobias looks up as well.

"Hey Eric." He greets nonchalantly. Eric stops then, his grey eyes darker again then normal and I see him clenching his jaw.

"Four. And the Stiff. How nice." His voice is icy cold and it feels like a slap in the face. I wasn't aware I expected him to act differently now, to be as effected about our close and intimidate encounters as I am. I feel like stepping back, hiding behind Tobias. But I won't show him that his insult and actions right now hurt me. Instead I school my features into a neutral mask and raise my chin in defiance.

"Don't call her that." Tobias growls back and I put a hand on his shoulder to calm him down. Eric eyes flicker to my hand and back to Tobias, his eyes turning into a dark grey like storm clouds. I wouldn't be surprised to see lightning go off in them.

"Oh, is the Stiff standing up for his little Stiff girlfriend. Touching." His face twists into a cruel smirk I haven't seen for so long I nearly forgot about this side of him. I shiver slightly and avert my eyes to his feet. I don't want to see it anymore. It makes me feel cold, my chest painfully constricting. I tug at Tobias shirt to let him know I want to go inside but he doesn't seem to notice.

"I said, don't call her that." He takes a step forward into Eric's direction, teeth bared in an animalistic display of rage. I haven't seen this side of him before and I am shocked to find some resemblance to father. I shake my head. Tobias is nothing like him. He was always so thoughtful and calm. I try to grasp his hand but he just pulls away.

"And if I do?" Eric is taunting him and I ask myself if all the memories of him taking care of me or the other moments we shared where just some pictures my imagination produced. That in all my attraction and curiosity I didn't want to see or recognize that he has this side, too. Did I decide to ignore it? I shake my head. No, I know about this side, I just like him nevertheless because I believe that it is just a small part of who he is.

They stare at each other and I don't know why I don't step up for myself. Maybe I just don't have the energy at the moment. Or I know I don't stand a chance against Eric because he touches something inside of me that no one ever did. I discover in that moment that he is dangerous for me on a level I have no idea how to protect. If I want to protect it. I am shocked because of that realisation. I should have seen the signs before, how he can distract me, how I am nearly constantly thinking about him.

"You'll see." Tobias answers, his breath a bit faster than normal, fists clenched at his sides. I take a cautious step forward to prevent anything that could happen now. The atmosphere is full of unspoken words and testosterone.

"Four, please. Let's just go." My voice is so small I barely hear it myself and I hate myself for it. No Dauntless speaks like that.

"Is that a threat, Four? Trying to impress your weak little girlfriend?" My breath hitches and I feel my eyes burn while I pale. I look into Eric's eyes and see a flash of something I don't understand. There is pain. But as fast as it appears it is gone again and I don't know if it was just something I wished for. I just know that his words destroy something within me that I didn't know was there.

"She isn't my girlfriend, idiot. She is my sister and if I ever hear again that you call her weak, I will make sure you regret it. And yes that was a threat. Leader or not you will pay if you hurt her again." Eric pales and his whole posture changes. Before he can say another word, Tobias turns around and shoves me backwards through his now open door. I take a last look back at Eric, fists clenched at his side now as well and his eyes telling me that he is sorry. I can't breathe and Tobias closes his door.

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_Thanks for reading - review please._


	23. Chapter 22

_Thanks to my beta - Torry-Riddle._

_The feedback for the last chapters is amazing and I can't thank you enough for your kind words, compliments and suggestions. I hope you like this chapter because I don't really..._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does. - Except the plottwist in this chapter._

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**Chapter 22**

I stand uncertainly in Tobias' room because my mind is still outside of his door where we left Eric. His behavior hurt. It hurt badly and it puts me off that he has this effect on me. That he can inflict pain with a few chosen words. I feel weak on a totally new level. But what confuses me even more was the regret in his eyes. What was that all about? I wish I could understand him better, understand his motives so I wouldn't find myself in this sort of situation again and again. I am tired of all the questions and thoughts about him.

Tobias puts his hands on my shoulders and my eyes focus on his face. He wears a frown and is silent for a few seconds longer.

"I am sorry, Tris. I don't know what his problem is." I smile gently, taking one of his hands into my own and squeeze it reassuringly.

"Don't worry. It isn't the first time nor the last that someone insults me and I am thankful that you stepped up for me. Though I am a bit angry with myself. I should have talked to him and step up for myself." Tobias chuckles lightly while I bite my lip close to lose myself in thoughts again.

"Your priorities are something else. Instead of feeling hurt or angry that someone insulted you, you think about not standing up for yourself... Come, let's eat and talk." He guides me to his couch where some sandwiches are placed next to bottles with water and bowls of fruits. We sit close together, enjoying each other's presence.

"So, how have you been the last two years?" I scoff at his bluntness and all around way to ask a question that isn't easy to answer no matter what past one has. I chuckle for a moment.

"Oh, you know the usual. School, getting beaten the crap out of me, tip-toeing around the house, volunteering." I keep my tone light but I see guilt flash in his eyes. I narrow my eyes at him.

"Tobias, stop. Don't go there. We have been through this and I don't want to hear it again." He smiles apologeticly.

"You have to understand how it makes me feel when you speak about it so casually. I don't know... I just think I should have done something, anything to get you out of there, to make sure you are safe..." He averts his eyes to the table, his fist clenching in his lap.

"And there we go again." I groan and fall back into the cushions of the couch, running a hand through my hair. I know he feels protective of me, he always does but I hope he gets it through his thick skull soon that there isn't anything he could have done. And more importantly that this is the past. We both left to have a future.

"Don't groan at me like that. I am your big brother and I am responsible for you..." I am happy to find his eyes on me again, his hands slightly relaxed, his shoulders not as tense. He is lightly chuckling at my response.

"And you made that clear when you took the beating for me. Just... can we talk about something else, please? I had to go through one of my fears... so just... let's speak about that if we have to and leave him behind already. We are both free now, he can't control or hurt us anymore. We shouldn't give him power by dwelling on the past." He looks at me for a whole minute, weighing me and when he speaks again I fear for the worst.

"When did you grow up... it feels like I just left you behind and now you are sitting in front of me and I can barely see my small sister with eyes full of mischief and wonder." I shove him slightly and his smile broadens.

"Shut it." I mutter and blush a bit. He kisses my cheek lightly and I know he wants to say thank you. Tobias leans back again and pops a grape into his mouth. Chewing slowly, his eyes filled with a mixture of concern and interest.

"Ok, so... Tell me about your fear if you want to." I begin to tell him what happened, how I couldn't grab Christina's hand and chose to let go. My eyes look anywhere but him, my hands expressing my worries, picking at the fruits on my plate or wringing in my lap. A shiver runs down my spine when I am finished.

"And what do you think your fear means?" He asks me and there is no playfulness in his voice anymore. I shrug.

"It's obvious, don't you think. I am afraid that my trust issue will lead to my certain death or at least to much pain. Christina is just one of the persons I shut out. It could have been Uriah or Lynn for that matter, though I think my sub consciousness chose her because she isn't really a friend. I wasn't really open with her, didn't let her in and she made some mistakes of her own." Tobias looks thoughtful for a moment and then nods.

"You are probably right, I think." I lean my head against his shoulder and he puts an arm around my back. We fall into a comfortable silence each of us lost in own thoughts. Mine go back to Eric, replaying the scene from the corridor. I am certain now that he acted impulsively, that he didn't plan on hurting me. Something drove him to say these awful things and I guess Tobias' reaction only made it worse.

I wish I would know what could make him react like that. I still feel a slight pain from his words but I am not angry. I know that sometimes my temper takes over as well and I say things that hurt and are not completely true. I try to keep myself in check and a person like Eric – at least the person I think he is – would have even more trouble to control his emotions. I think he is full of emotions contrary to everything he displays. Maybe he even tries to display his coldness so no one sees his emotions? I think they are violent, but not in the literal way violent. I think they are always filled with passion and he feels them more deeply. He passionately hates, protects and maybe even loves.

But why would he lash out at Tobias and me? Maybe a thing between the two of them? I sigh and close my eyes for a moment. I need more answers and maybe Tobias can help me with that.

"Tobias?" I ask softly and he 'hm's in a sign that he is listening. I stay silent for a second, trying to decide whether I want to risk it or to keep quiet.

"About Eric... he knows you are from Abnegation. Do you know each other?" He stiffens beside me a bit and for a moment I think he won't answer me. Then he sighs and starts to talk.

"We were sort of rivals back in initiation. I was in first place, he was second. It sometimes got violent between the two of us, but we mostly ignored each other. In the end we came to a sort of truce. But I think it was only possible because we chose different jobs and don't see each other anymore. I guess after initiation we just went down different paths – he becoming a leader and I totally happy with working in the control room and taking up some guard jobs now and then. We don't interact much, but are friendly enough. Don't fight on any given occasion anymore." Well, it would explain a few things, I guess.

"Why do you ask?" Tobias looks at me and I avert my eyes. First mistake. He probably knows now that I am up to something.

"Oh, you know. He is my instructor, so I am curious naturally. And your show of how manly you both are wasn't exactly self-explanatory." The explanation sounds foul even to my own ears, my voice slightly higher and even the mocking quip at the end doesn't cover it up. Second mistake. Tobias seems to catch on as well because he throws me his no-nonsense glance.

"Tris..." He starts, eyebrow raised.

"Four..." I counter and he flinches.

"Please, don't call me that when we are alone." He looks hurt for a moment and I take the hand that isn't thrown over my shoulder.

"Why? I thought you chose that name..."

"Actually it was Amar who suggested it." His voice is clipped and I try to find a way to boost his mood a bit.

"Oh, ok. What does it mean by the way? It's a bit strange, don't you think... as if the numbers one to three were already taken." He pokes me in the ribs and I chuckle, feeling lighthearted. But Tobias' smile vanishes too soon and I feel there is something else he isn't telling me.

"What is it?" I ask carefully, touching his left forearm with a gentle hand. He stays silent for a few more seconds.

"You will find out eventually, so just be patient." I nod, not pressing him anymore.

"So, why did you ask about Eric again?" He looks at me curiously and I sigh.

"As I said, I was just interested in him because he is my instructor..." Not a too big lie. I wanted to know him before I even realised I had these feelings for him.

"You know there was a time when you told me everything." We watch each other out of the corner of our eyes. Then I shove him slightly and scowl half-heartedly.

"Don't pull the remorse card on me." I cross my arms in a huff. He chuckles and pokes me into the ribs again, making me jump in surprise.

"Then don't try to change the subject. You know you can tell me everything and I won't judge you." I bite my lip and try to think of a good explanation. I want to keep everything about Eric to myself but I have no way of getting out of this. I want to be honest with Tobias because he is right.

I could always tell him how I feel or what I think and he would never judge me. He always tried to see it through my eyes even though it was difficult sometimes because my own perception is twisted often enough. But what is there really to tell. I am not too keen to tell him that I feel a physical attraction for a man his own age and that once was a red flag for him. An attraction that doesn't seem to go away even though there are many physical attractive men around me all the time and they aren't cold and hot at the same time. In all honesty it has deepened considerably in the last two days, spreading to him as a person. Maybe it's only logical because he showed me a side of him I suppose only a few people know about. I really should find someone else. Someone not so complicated and who doesn't just insult me in front of my brother. I don't see that happening, though.

Tobias takes one of my hands into his own, interwining our fingers and stopping my thoughts effectively. His hand is so much bigger than mine and more calloused. I guess mine will be too sometime in the future. And he feels safe against my skin. Warm and gentle and familiar.

"Don't be afraid of me." His voice is a whisper against my hair and I cringe. Leave it up to him to think I would be afraid of him and not the consequences if I say some things out loud.

"I am certainly not, Tobias. Maybe I am afraid of your reaction but never of you, ok?" He nods and I continue, "I just don't know how I can explain it to you when I don't understand it myself half the time. It's all just a big mess, I think." He seems to relax again, nodding to let me know he understands what I mean.

"Try me. Just tell me about it and we can try to put it into a good explanation together." I smile at him and I know my eyes shine with gratitude. I take a deep breath and brace myself.

"So, at first I was just curious, you know. Why is he so cold and distant all the time? And why so cruel sometimes though I have to say in his defence that he was really nice to me, too... I mean I couldn't find any perverted pleasure in his eyes...and he didn't seem to enjoy..."

"Tris, you are rambling. So you were curious. That's normal. Eric is ... a person that easily catches the eye." He smiles at me, encouraging me to go on. I feel nervous energy bubble in my stomach so I stand up and pace in front of him, a hand going through my hair. I chuckle as I recall Tobias' last sentence.

"Well, he definitely caught my eye. I mean..." I blush a deep red and laugh again lightly, "I mean I find him very... attractive... his body and... and his face...and he is quite handsome and muscular. And really tall. Good looking, you know. And then I started to like him... as a person, I think. I don't know exactly when that started and I can't stop to think about him. So I thought I would go around and ask a few people – maybe find something out that would dim my curiosity, but I don't think that that matters anymore or could change the way I feel – even though I am confused of what I feel for him...to put a name to it." I frown at my own display, my thoughts jumbling around in my head but it isn't the first thing I realize and I don't think about it too long. There is something more pressing: To say these words out loud makes the whole situation even more real for me. I am surprised to discover that I am not ashamed of my attraction or my curiosity, at least not in the way I thought I would be. And it feels freeing to openly admit to them. My eyes flicker to my brother for a moment and I hope Tobias keeps an open mind.

He pulls me down to sit next to him. My eyes are fixed on the old and run down carpet in front of his couch, my neck and cheeks hot. A gentle hand raises my head but I don't want to look into Tobias' eyes and find disappointment. And he should be disappointed because I just gushed about a man that called me weak and was cruel to me not two hours ago. But then again not two days ago he made me whole again. Maybe I am masochistic or something.

"Could you please look at me?" His voice is calm. I bite my lip, my hands in fists so they won't tremble anymore. I take a deep breath and look him in the eyes.

"Do you have a crush on him?" His question takes me completely by surprise. I never even thought about that possibility. That I could feel about Eric this way because I am falling in love with him. It frightens me. And I really don't want to think about it but Tobias asked me and no matter what I will be honest with himself and finally with me, too.

"No! I mean, I don't know. I don't think so. To have a crush on someone you have to know the person and the person shouldn't insult you and... And I don't know anything about him and just met him two weeks ago. I don't even know what a crush feels like... I mean...I don't know." But it might be possible, I think. Maybe Tobias is right? Living in Abnegation I wasn't confronted with things like that, so I wouldn't be surprised if the emotions I feel are called a crush.

"So, you don't know?" I shove him slightly and he chuckles again. It calms me down. He doesn't think I am stupid or have completely lost my mind.

"Hm..." Tobias is silent for a while and I feel my face slowly cool down. He lets his hands sink.

"I think you are smitten." I scoff at him, my cheeks aflame again. He chuckles softly and I am just grateful that he is such an understanding person, such a loving brother. He brushes a few strands away from my face, his eyes glinting with nothing but affection.

"And to make it easier for you: I think to have a crush on someone there has to be attraction and not necessarily you need to know a lot about them. You first like the idea of the person. If you still like the person with all the flaws, mistakes and ugly sides you love. To love means to know and accept nevertheless – with everything the person is. You know what I try to say?" I nod, not able to utter a word.

"And as far as I can see, there definitely is attraction on your part with all the running around and blushing like mad thing you did right now. That said I don't have to be happy about your taste. It is quite disturbing but it's none of my business." I scowl at him and he chuckles lightly. But only for a second because I still try to wrap my mind around this revelation I was too blind to see myself. I feel an echo of Tobias' awareness of my feelings inside of me, the thought calming and the confusion lifting a bit.

"I think you are right." I whisper, the confession making me feel lighter but sad at the same time. He smiles a reassuring smile and it lets me accept this fact about myself as well. I have a crush on Eric. We both stay silent for a while and I try to comprehend everything that goes on in me, in Tobias and everything else that entails. I feel uncomfortable about this new revelation about myself. I am not where I want to be, who I want to be and these feelings are foreign and frightening and maybe distract me too much. I speak up again.

"I won't pursue it, though. I don't think it would be good. I just need to get over it." Tobias shakes his head at me.

"Of course it is your decision, but I would advise to not decide too quickly." I want to say that I don't want his understanding side now but the one that tells me he thinks it is a good idea.

"Tris, don't expect me to make the decision for you. Remember the fear you encountered today. I think you shouldn't keep yourself distant from everyone but me. Let some people in and maybe let Eric in if it feels like the right thing to do. I may not like him but maybe you are good for one another. Nobody can say and if you don't try there will be only regret. So, try to let them in. You don't have to stay strong and aloof with everyone." I stay quiet, too shocked to really say anything. We lean back against the back of his couch, my legs folded under me, my head against his shoulder. I try to process his words but think I will need at least a few more days. Maybe even weeks. I just don't know.

"You know even though I can talk about everything with you it is strange to talk to you about this." I mumble quietly and I feel the vibration of his chuckle on my cheek. The atmosphere around us is lighter again, more comfortable and not loaded with confessions and feelings too complicated to understand. I smile when he answers, trying to sound as shaken as possible. But I know it is an act for the most part.

"Tell me everything about it. My sister having a crush on a former fellow initiate isn't easy to take in as well. Or that he just insulted you and treated you like dirt." Tobias' jaw clenches and I squeeze his hand.

"I know. But I think he didn't do it on purpose. I wish I could understand it myself. Understand him really. But what is more important is if you are seriously ok. That you are not mad at me." I feel a bit nervous because I am afraid of his answer. Until now he reacted like the rational and good person I know he is.

"Mad? No. I couldn't be even if I tried to. It's not like it is something you can actively decide. You just fall for someone you fall for even if it is wrong."

"Do you think it is wrong for me...?"

"To have a crush on Eric? No, not wrong, but difficult. He is difficult and you are still only 16..." I shove him "yeah, almost 17 but because you grew up in Abnegation you never went through the same process every teenager goes through... you know, first love, kiss and so on." I think about that for a moment and I think he is right. Or at least slightly right. I think a small part of my attraction for Eric roots in the fact that I grew up without these experiences and as I thought before he just caught my attention. But it is so much more than that now.

"I get the impression you are talking from own experiences here." He blushes slightly and my eyes widen.

"Aha! Who is it?" I am glad about the change in our conversation and happily use it to lighten the mood.

"You will meet her soon, promised." He looks thoughtful, his dark blue eyes fixed on the front door. I am not sure what to think about his reaction. Isn't he sure about her reaction to me or my reaction to her?

"Oh, so you are ... together? Serious relationship and all?" My tone is still light, though my spirits are slightly damped from his reaction.

"You could say that." He chews his lip slightly and I get the feeling that something is seriously wrong.

"Are you happy?" His face lights up and he doesn't need to answer.

"I am happy for you then." He kisses my cheek. I feel blessed to have such a brother.

* * *

Three days after my evening with Tobias I still haven't figured out what to make of his – and then my – discovery. It's hard to wrap your mind around something you never experienced before. Sometimes I am not able to suppress the happy bubbles in my stomachs and then I can't stop to feel sad and nervous. I haven't seen Eric since his argument with Tobias and I don't like it. I would have liked to confront myself with him, to try to really recognise my feelings for him but so far I couldn't. I thought about taking Jules up on her offer but I don't really know her or her relationship with Eric. And I am not sure yet if I can trust her. Sure, she helped Eric take care of me after the incident with Edward but it doesn't say anything about her except that she helped a friend – that friend being Eric.

Other than that I was occupied with walking through my fears. The first experience was the most brutal one. It wasn't my biggest fear, I know that deep in me, but facing a fear for the first time is always brutal. Now I know what to expect though it doesn't help much. After every new fear I try to come up with ways to overcome it. Its hard work and it doesn't come easy for me. Stage one was so much simpler. I knew what to do to get better: I had to push my body to its limits and then some more and I came out the victor. But I was never a person in tune with my emotions. There weren't many I experienced in Abnegation other than pain, fear, annoyance. And maybe that is also the reason why I was blind to the growing intensity of my feelings for Eric, tried to cloak them into curiosity and dampening them to physical attraction. I think to get emotionally stable you have to be comfortable with every emotion you feel. But I am not and I am not sure if I ever will be.

* * *

Uriah sits next to me, seemingly deep in thought, Marlene's head on his shoulder. There is still silence between Christina and me. Because of that I haven't talked to Will and Al as well. I don't want to intrude on their respectable relationships but I know Al feels sad about my absence. And maybe a bit angry, too. The only thing I hope is now clear to him is that I don't have any romantical feelings for him. They seem to be reserved for a certain Dauntless Leader at the moment. I sigh.

Three Dauntless appear suddenly in the corridor we sit in, faces serious and taking big steps to the room Drew and Amar disappeared in. The door is thrown open and a few seconds later I hear shouting. Not much time passes and the three man come out again, Drew's sagged form between them, shoulders slumped forward, hands tied back. We all observe them until they turn around a corner and are gone. I look to Uriah, his face crunched up in confusion. Marlene and Lynn spotting similar expressions.

Amar suddenly comes out, his face grim, arms crossed. When he speaks his voice is cold and distant and filled with suppressed rage.

"Everyone, meet me in the training room after supper. Dismissed." He turns around without another word, pushing the door closed forcefully. We just stare at the door in different stages of confusion. I stand up a minute or so later, holding my hand out to help Lynn up. We make our way down to the cafeteria. Supper will be in one hour but with nowhere else to go it seems like the logical decision.

Uriah and Marlene walk in front of us and I roll my eyes. They should just kiss and be over with. Lynn shares my feelings about it. When we reach the cafeteria we see Zeke and Four sit at a table together, seemingly sharing jokes because both of them laugh out loud. We decide to join them and maybe get a good laugh as well to chase away the confusion and dark, foreboding feeling.

I hug Tobias from behind and kiss him on the cheek before sitting down next to him, Lynn on his other side and Uriah and Marlene opposite of us next to Zeke. Zeke spots raised eyebrows and a confused frown, his eyes flickering between the two of us. I chuckle and elbow Tobias, nodding towards his friend. He smiles as well and clears his throat.

"Idiot, this is my sister, Tris. Tris, this is the idiot I call my best friend." I laugh and watch Zeke's face fall into a surprised grimace.

"We already had the pleasure. He shoved me from a 100 floor building." Tobias looks incredulous for a moment but before he can say something I add, "Under the pretense to help me get speed for the zip lining track."

"I get the feeling, love, you want to see me killed." Zeke throws in, eyes glinting with humor and I scowl at him.

"Don't call me that. I have a name." Tobias throws his arm around my shoulder, chest puffed out with pride. I childishly stick my tongue out and Zeke starts to laugh.

"I can see the resemblance now." Zeke says lightheartedly. "So, what brings you four to us at this time of the day? Haven't you fears to face or something like that?"

"We would if it weren't for three Dauntless violently taking an initiate out of the room Amar admitters the fear serum in." Uriah says casually.

"Why would they arrest an initiate?" Tobias asks next to me and Marlene shrugs.

"And the wrong one at that." I add quietly. We are silent for a minute or two and Lynn speaks up.

"Anyway, Amar told us to meet in the training room after supper and now we have spare time on our hands. So, please entertain us, will you?" Before Tobias or Zeke can respond someone clears his throat behind us.

"Four? I would like to have a word with you in my office." I look over Tobias' shoulder and find one of the Leaders. He was the one to give us the Welcome to Dauntless speech.

"Sure. Sorry guys but I am sure Zeke has enough stories to entertain you with." He ruffles my hair affectionately and receives a scowl in return. Waving to the rest of the table he disappears with the Leader. I am curious what it is about. I just have to ask him later.

Zeke tells us a lot small anecdotes from back in his days as an initiate. Some make me laugh, some make me think. Apparently Tobias was just as detached as I was. My fellow initiates seem to make the connection as well but I just shrug it off. They will connect it to our Abnegation upbringing and it wouldn't be totally wrong.

* * *

Amar paces in front of us in the training room and I have never seen him this agitated before. Of course he wasn't as cold as Eric and not as unyielding, but he never showed this many emotions before. He is agitated and everyone with two eyes could see it.

Eric is here as well and I can't stop my eyes from watching him every few seconds. His arms are crossed and he leans back against a steel beam, his legs crossed at his ankles. He doesn't look in my direction. Of course he wouldn't. I am sad about it because I miss his eyes. I frown slightly and look back to Amar. It won't help anyone if I run after him. If he wants to talk about the fight between my brother and himself he will, I suppose.

"Today, while I admistered the fear serum to Drew, a fellow initiate, I made a discovery that forced me to break my oath as an instructor to keep silent about the fears I see." Amar pauses for a moment, seemingly to compose himself, hands clenched hard around his crossed forearms, knuckles white.

"What I saw in Drew's simulation was the worst crime possible and after I talked with the Leaders I can now tell you what it was about. I saw how Drew attacked an initiate you knew as Edward." A shocked silence follows. I try to wrap my mind around it but fail and speak up because it just seems so unreal. Drew the lackey coming up with a plan filled to the brim with malice.

"But I thought..." I look to Peter and his eyes narrow.

"You thought what, Stiff? That I did it?" I answer his glare with one of my own and nod. Peter doesn't answer as I expected him to and it lets the picture of him crumble slightly.

"I may be ambitious and an asshole, but I am not sick. And I am no coward." Peter says and I swallow slightly. Maybe I have to overthink my first impressions. He is cruel and arrogant and often enough I wanted to punch him but maybe I was biased because of that.

"I am sorry." I answer levelly and he seems to be surprised. He nods once in my direction and then the moment is over. Amar clears his throat waiting for more comments and questions to come but there are none so he continues.

"Drew was taken into custody to be taken to Candor for further investigation and to question him under the truth serum." I see the former Candor transfers shudder and I think I can understand their reaction slightly. As far as I know the serum doesn't give you the opportunity to remain silent about a truth you don't want to tell but forces you to spill it. Quite disturbing.

"What will happen afterwards?" It's Will asking the question and Amar shrugs his shoulders.

"No one can tell, really. I suspect exclusion from the Factions though." I am not sure if that is enough but then I think about Edward, his talent to fight and a small smile appears on my face. It will be enough.

"We will continue your practice tomorrow. The intermediate results will be posted tomorrow as well. For now you have the evening off. Prepare yourself." With that we are dismissed and as everyone leaves I stay behind to work out a bit as always.

* * *

I don't stay alone for long. Eric joins me and I am amazed that we get so many moments alone. I fear and yearn them. He a Leader and I an initiate, one would think there were other things to do than meeting again and again, always alone. The last time we were really alone we exchanged gentle touches, soft words and possible even emotions none of us realise were there. The scent of him is back in my nose and where it relaxed me after everything with Edward it now lets the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I am not afraid, but I feel the electricity, the loaded air between us. I can't really breathe and I feel nervous. Nervous enough to throw my punch the wrong way and hiss softly when pain goes through my wrist. I feel his gaze on the side of my neck, on my face and I try not to blush.

"I am sorry for insulting you." He says it so casually I am at first confused if he really just apologized to me. I look at him then, standing not too close, hands in his pockets.

"It's ok. I accepted that I appear weak to most people a while ago." I shrug it off easily or at least try to. It's only half a lie. I didn't accept it, I just have to take it. I can't stand it, I hate it really but most people's opinion don't matter. He isn't most people and his view is more important than he or I think. But he doesn't need to know that.

"I don't percept you as weak. Quite the contrary." I avert my eyes from him to anything else so he doesn't see my widened eyes or my shocked expression as a whole. What's going on here? It doesn't seem real at all. I find my voice again and try to tell him that I can't believe him.

"You said..." He interrupts me, impatience clouding his voice that wasn't there before. I press my lips together, his dominant streak making me angry and hot at the same time.

"I said that I want you to remember our positions and don't act like a spoiled child. I never said you were weak. Well, except for that one time." My mind is numb.

"And as I said, I didn't mean it. It was just... a handy thing to say because I know that it hurts you. And I wanted you to feel hurt." His voice is calm and deep as if he wasn't just admitting he wanted to hurt me. His bluntness and nonchalance make me shiver a bit. What is it with Dauntless around me acting like they all are Candor?

"Why?" I hear myself through the rushing of my blood. I feel a bit angry and hurt all over again.

"Because you hurt me. Unconsciously but you hurt me." It seems like it pains him to be this honest and I can respect that. I can respect his afford. What I don't understand is what he means. I scoff.

"How could I ever hurt you? Nothing gets close to you." I hear my own bitterness then. The same bitterness I heard when talking to Christina. It taste foul in my mouth and I control myself not to gag at it.

"Yeah, I thought that too at one point." He sounds tired, wary and self-ironic. As if he isn't sure that he speaks these words out loud and fears something. I feel there is something else as well but I am not sure. Why should he sound amused at his own statement? But all of that can't be true. He isn't afraid of anything and not amused by his own words. Nothing could ever reach him. He speaks again and I concentrate on him.

"And then there was a Stiff jumping off a ledge, taking punches, dealing them and winning in the end." I know he speaks but I can't comprehend his words. He comes closer now, but I back away a few steps. If it is true what he is implying I am in trouble.

"Don't..." My voice is weak and I frown. But he stops and I am grateful. Before he can talk again or starts to approach me I turn around. I hate myself for running away but I can't stay. Not with the things running through my mind, not with the fear that he could possibly reciprocate my feelings.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please. _

_Note: longest chapter I published in this story. So have a sneak peak to celebrate - it will be much later, when fluff feels right:_

_"So you were head over heals in love with me after ten days?" I hear the humor in his voice and I squeeze his hand._

_"Pssh, dream on, sunnyboy." We look at each other, our eyes meeting for just a second but it is enough for him to get my message: _Yes, I was_. He smiles and squeezes my hand back._


	24. Chapter 23

_Thanks to my beta - Torry-Riddle._

_**Warning**: This chapter isn't really grafic, but I want to warn anyone to continue reading it if he or she is easily triggered by abuse or reading about depressing moments._

_Thank you for the many follows/favorits this story gets and I look forward to read what you think. _

_Also: I have posted the newest installment in "The Office Series". If you like SMUT with a story, feel free to search for it on my profile. There is an updated version of my current work as well._

_Sorry for the long note. _

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

**Chapter 23**

Amar calls my name and I enter the room. I am not as nervous anymore but the metal chair and the syringe still let me shiver. After sitting down I take a deep breath, Amar injecting the serum. My eyes are already closed and I wait for the simulation to begin.

When I open my eyes my windpipes seem to close off. I grasp my throat only to find hands clasp around it in a vise like grip. I look up and find my father looking down to me, his eyes hold fury. I hear my blood rush in my ears, my heart pounding hard against my chest. I feel a different dizziness then the one from the fear serum take over and I think he will choke me to death finally. My hands loosen around his wrists and my vision goes black as my mind goes blank. I float for a moment only to feel a sharp pain at the side of my head a second later. I lay on the floor of my bedroom now, my head pounding, Marcus standing over me, belt already in hand. He doesn't have to say that I should turn around and bare my back. I feel helpless and I am filled to the brim with fear.

I still remember Amar's words from my first session: Calm down or overcome your fear otherwise you are stuck in the simulation until the serum runs out. I don't know how I could ever overcome Marcus and I won't be able to calm myself down enough for the simulation to end. My chest burns as do my eyes but I won't cry. I never cried and I won't even give the Marcus from my simulation the satisfaction to cry.

I stumble to my feet, hands braced against my desk after I pulled my shirt up. I never saw it but I guess my back has criss-cross scars all over it; like a landscape of torture and abuse that is covered now with something I chose by myself. Something beautiful that can hide the ugliness of a father's hate.

When his belt hits me I am prepared. It hurts. It really does. He uses the side with the buckle and the metal is even worse than the simple leather strip. I don't scream, I don't cry, I just let him hit me again and again. I will take it just like Tobias did. I will be as strong as he is. He could live through this and so can I.

I lost count after the 10th hit against my back, the fingers of my left hand searching for the quote Tobias left me. I don't find it. It isn't there. I feel a warm liquid run down my back but I don't concentrate on it. I try to find the quote. It has to be there. It just has to. But I don't feel it and I think this isn't real. Tobias hadn't left me a quote to remind me that he will wait for me and that I have to be strong and that I can be strong because this isn't real. It's all just in my head.

A second later I find myself in the room with Amar again and I am perplexed. I don't think I was calm enough for the simulation to end so soon and I definitely didn't overcome my fear. I was a coward through and through because I let him hit me again. Just like the past years. I let one hand casually glide down my back and feel my neck but there is nothing out of the ordinary. When I push myself out of the chair I feel a hand at my elbow and flinch. Amar lets go immediately but I don't see why because I can't look at him. Maybe he just understood why I flinch when someone touches me. Or maybe he realises that he overstepped some imaginary line I drew for everyone.

"You too." He doesn't ask and I know he speaks about Tobias. I nod, my eyes trained at the door. He sighs.

"I have to report it." He sounds tired, shocked even at the things my fear told him. Fear fills me all over again. Though it isn't numbing and paralyzing like the fear induced by the serum. It's a fear that burns and lets me react harshly.

"Don't. Don't tell a soul. Not Eric or the other Leaders, not anyone. This falls under your oath as an instructor." My voice is fierce and hard but all I can feel is defeat and shame. I look at Amar and see he is struggling with a decision. I don't know if there is a protocol in Dauntless for this kind of situation. Amar sighs and nods reluctantly.

"Thank you." I square my shoulders and wait for him to let me leave.

"You can go now. And Tris... I know it doesn't help you but I want to say I am really sorry." I nod again and leave the room.

* * *

My legs carry me back to the roof I hid on Visiting Day. If I encounter people on my way I didn't realise it. My conscious is buried under thoughts and memories again. Maybe that's the reason I go to the place a second time. I could breathe again when the fear and pure terror that maybe my father would come nearly made me frantic with panic when I saw the clouds above me.

Now I don't feel panic but I am disgusted with myself. How could I let him abuse me again even if it was just inside of my head? My mind is seriously twisted. I know I am afraid of him and that's natural after everything he put me through, but to let that fear control me. I have the strong urge to pull my hair out at my own cowardice. I want to hurt myself. Maybe I should have gone to the training room instead.

But I don't turn around, following dark hallways that are like a maze. I wish I could get lost. Just leave every conscious thought behind and just exist. No feelings, no fears, no hopes that can be disappointed. I violently bite the inside of my cheeks until I taste the blood in my mouth. But it just isn't enough. I go faster, break into a run, not seeing where I am going but finding my way anyway.

When I push open the metal doors wind blows away the strands that fall into my face. My eyes are wide open, taking in the beauty of the clouds above me. I try to find calmness, lose myself in their movement and colors. But my mind stays heavy and my self-disgust stays as well. I bore my nails into my upper arms, pull them down along the skin but the slight pain it leaves isn't enough. My breath is ragged. I hear someone scream and realise it is me. The sound is hysteric and full of pain.

I let myself sink against the wall behind me, the nervous, destructive energy gone now with that scream. I feel empty and it satisfies me – but it is not enough. I let my head fall back against the wall, shutting my eyes and press my hands desperately against my thighs. My heart beats fast and maybe it will just collapse. I pry my eyes open and look at the sky. But it's not enough and I need to occupy my sight with anything. I let them travel over the roof, over the cement and pebbles and I wish I hadn't opened them. Then I wouldn't have to see someone looking at me in surprise and concern.

"Everything alright now?" I shake my head, my teeth gritted painfully.

"Do you need anything, Tris? Can I do... anything to help you?"

"Well you could kill me and let it look like an accident so you don't get into trouble with my brother." Jules chuckles but when she looks at me she is serious again. She sits next to me, not too close and that's good. I can't stand anyone touching me or brushing against me at the moment, not even accidently.

"I think Eric would have my head even before your brother realises that you are dead." I don't want to think about him now, so I tell my head that we overheard that comment. I stay silent, eyes again on the clouds.

"What happened?" She asks and I don't feel like coming up with a lame excuse. Maybe the truth will help.

"Fear serum." Jules nods, her eyes full of worry but I see no pity.

"I feel like a fucking coward. I am stronger now and still I couldn't do anything. I was third in stage one and I didn't even tried to do something. I was a fucking coward. I am one. Shit." I try to stay vague in my angry explanation and don't even feel ashamed for all the swearing. Jules doesn't seem to care anyway. I scrap my nails against my scalp to get any relief from the things I feel.

"You know, when I was an initiate I had a lot of trouble with the fear serum. My times were really bad. So bad I nearly got cut." I never thought it before but to me Jules doesn't seem to be the kind of person to be afraid of anything spectacular. She meets my slightly narrowed eyes and laughs without humor.

"I know. What can a former Erudite dependent possibly be afraid of?" I feel guilty for my thoughtlessness. I should know that we all try to hide some things and Jules seems to be really good at it, her face totally different now as if she just put down a mask.

"My best friend in Erudite was a girl two years older than me. We were neighbors, our families meeting often enough to discuss the new findings of their chosen subjects of expertise above a shared meal. Lisa and I hit it off easily, were close friends from a young age. She dreamed about going to Amity, loving the smell of rain and seeing things grow. I guess that love stems from her mother who was a cherished biologist. She was a very peaceful girl, very considerate but sometimes just as wild as I was." Jules stares ahead when I take a look at her. Her eyes seem far away and full of warmth of the memories probably replaying in front of her eyes.

"What happened to Lisa?" I ask calmly. Jules looks down on her hands then, sorrow making her shoulders slump forward a bit.

"She had an illness no one found a cure to. She died everyday a bit more for a year." I swallow thickly. I think Lisa was in some way to Jules what Tobias is to me. But I don't know for sure and it doesn't really matter. Her pain is palpable and that's all I need to know.

"When I had to face my fears it was a shock to see her again in one of them. I needed a few hours, days even to realize what it stood for. My fear of being paralyzed. I couldn't bring myself to go to her funeral because I was filled to the brim with sorrow. My fear of being too absorbed in my own pain to the point I can't move anymore and maybe miss an opportunity, that I can't be brave when I need to." I try to grasp everything she tells me but I don't succeed. I guess to really understand it, you have to feel or at least see it yourself. I have a slight idea and that's enough. Before she continues she takes a deep breath, a bit shakily.

"What I try to say, Tris, is that you aren't a coward for being immobilized in your fears. They concentrate your emotion so much into one point with that serum that it isn't representable for you here and now. I saw you jump down from the roof again because you just wanted to. No one who is a coward would confront oneself with that again. Whatever you saw, however you reacted, it isn't like you would react now. Your mind is put into a scene and with that into old emotions and old circumstances. I am convinced that you would react differently now and I would too." Jules doesn't speak up after that again. She stays silent and I concentrate on the things she said, try to feel them and maybe come to the same conclusion. At least she succeeded in making me aware of other things then my fear, gave me a distraction I desperately needed and for that I am deeply grateful.

We stay silent together, two persons that barely know each other but have seen parts no one saw before. And while I think her words over I find something new inside of me as well. A hope. A hope to be able to stand up to the demons of my past and maybe I am even strong enough to not let them control me in the here and now. Like I told Tobias just a few days ago: We shouldn't let our past control our future. I am slightly startled when Jules extends a hand in my direction. I take it without a second thought and stand next to her.

"Let's grab something to eat. I am quite hungry after that emotional rollercoaster." She grins carefree again and I join her.

"Well, I am glad for it." I say shyly. She looks surprised for a moment but nods.

"Yeah, me too."

* * *

The cafeteria is chaos and I absorb it. Like all the other times Dauntless and its members let me feel alive myself. I wave to Uriah, Marlene and Lynn. They smile but don't approach me to join them. I get into line next to Jules who makes little quips about the different dishes and I find myself laughing softly. I follow her to a table after grabbing some fruits, a slice of lasagne and a bottle of water.

"Guys, this is Tris. Tris, these are Leo and Marten." I nod into their direction and they look at me with appreciating glances.

"Hey there beaut-" Leo begins to say but stops himself when he looks to something or someone behind me. I turn around and am face to chest with Eric. I step back a bit, trying to suppress a blush at the close proximity to him I find myself in. That he could approach me without me noticing is quite fascinating because I am always so aware of him. But thinking about everything that happened today I shouldn't be surprised; my mind already occupied with so many other things.

"Nice to meet you, Tris." Marten says, brings me out of my short stupor and I smile in his direction before sitting down next to Jules. I feel a hand brush against my back and shiver slightly.

"Jules. Stiff. Idiots." Eric sits down on my right side, our thighs brushing against each other and I don't mind the contact, his leg warm and steady next to mine. I concentrate on my plate and eat slowly, letting the people around me do the talk. Their light banter reminds me of Uriah and the others and I feel comfortable enough.

I am not sure how to feel about Eric's casual greeting. Maybe I thought he would act differently now after what happened in the training room. His confession seemed honest and I wouldn't be surprised feeling the pressure of the things being said on my mind long after I run away. But he seems normal or as normal as he is and maybe I overreacted and it doesn't affect him as much as I thought. This whole guessing is annoying.

"Did you notice that Four is strangely absent?" I look up, my musings vanishing, interest picked.

"Mart." Eric says warningly. Mart stops and looks puzzled to the Leader.

"What do you mean?" I ask not too eagerly, an eyebrow raised, my eyes probably glinting with curiosity. Eric tenses beside me. Marten looks from Eric to me and swallows.

"I am out. You two are scary." I look over to Eric and find nothing scary on him. But that could be because my heart pictures me with him together. Yes, he is intimidating and can be an asshole but I have a different perception of what is worth feeling fear about now; thanks to the fear serum I guess. And I have a different perception of him than most people around me, too.

The silence after this short episode doesn't last too long, Marten and Leo going back to talk in turns to Jules and I take up my fork. Apparently they are two of the Dauntless that will accompany Drew and a few others to his hearing in front of Candor. I almost forgot about that, but don't feel too bad about it. The events with Edward seem so far away now but not far enough I realise when I feel anger and melancholy rise within me. I try to concentrate on my already half-eaten Lasagne und shut the thoughts down. The food is as good as ever but I don't really taste it, letting my mind get occupied with the things Jules said about the fear serum and its effects. I am not sure if she is right but I find myself wishing for it to be.

"Everything alright, Stiff?" Eric asks taking me by surprise with the sound of his voice and takes another fork full of his salad chewing slowly. I look down on my own plate.

"Sure. Why would you ask?" My voice is as low as his. I try for nonchalance and it works.

"You look like you cried." I pause the spoon halfway to my mouth and scoff at him.

"I haven't cried in years." He smirks at my reaction, leaning forward to hide his amusement.

"Thought so." I elbow him slightly in the ribs and he looks up surprised his grey eyes light and glinting with a playfulness I have never seen before. I am surprised at my own reaction as well and more so because he looks at me in a way he never did before. There isn't a frown on his face, it isn't neutral to a fault but open to some degree. Maybe he is more relaxed now because he is with his friends. My eyes stray to his lips, staying there for a few seconds before I pull myself together and avert my eyes to the apple slice on my plate. My cheeks feel hot. I am glad my hair hides the blush.

"Eric, leave her alone or make a move already." I look at Jules surprised and she winks. Marten and Leo exchange knowing looks and I am slightly confused. I shake my head slightly and let it slide.

I enjoy the heat Eric emanates, our elbows and legs brushing casually. Would it always be like that if I allow myself to really feel the things he evokes within me? Maybe his hand wouldn't rest against the surface on the table but on my back? And maybe he would lean towards me, his lips brushing my ear when he whispers something into it? I shiver and he looks at me puzzled. I wait for a short remark but before he can say something, my mind is pulled away again.

"So about Four again. Did you know that he visits the Leader's office frequently and they always shut off the cameras when he is in there?" Its Leo's voice this time. My interest turns from my fantasy to him instantly, eager to know what they know about Tobias.

"Is it strange?" I ask trying to keep my curiosity under control.

"For one in his position? Definitely. And even more suspicious if they really turn off the cams." Jules says, pushing the tray away from her to put her elbows on the table. She is relaxed as well now and there is no sorrow left in her eyes.

"On the other hand, maybe Max is just trying to get him in a Leadership position again." Marten throws in before a fork full of mashed potatoes disappears into his mouth.

"He isn't." Eric says next to me and I look to him. I think my curiosity is quite visible now and he frowns at it. We stay silent for a while. I push my plate away from me and take up my bottle to sip from it in irregular intervals.

"What do you think he wants with Four if it isn't for Leadership?" I say, playing nonchalant.

"Stiff. Drop it." I furrow my brows but do as he says. I stand up then and take my tray with me.

"You are already going?" Jules says and looks at me a bit disappointed. I shrug.

"Preliminary rankings will be posted tomorrow morning and I want to try to get some sleep." She nods in understanding and I wave to Marten and Leo turning slightly to Eric to nod in his direction. It feels wrong to act so casually when there is nothing normal between the two of us at the moment. However, any other way of greeting would feel strange as well.

I feel his eyes on my back while I leave the cafeteria. My thoughts aren't heavy and destructive anymore but filled with thoughts about Tobias' behavior that seems to be suspicious to others. I will try to find out from him what this is all about.

* * *

The morning after my fourth simulation I find myself before the chalkboard again. I am transfixed. My name is written down next to the number one. The time is three times better than that of the person in the second place. Peter. I am slightly uncomfortable and think that I should have taken my time with the simulations to not be in a spot where jealousy could be thrown my way. I scoff at my line of thought. I should be proud and I am.

I look at the list again. Al is the last name I read. Poor Al, I think for a moment. He will be Factionless in just two days when stage two comes to an end. I don't think he will survive out there. The people are desperate and do anything to not die. I hope he will be careful and maybe even find a group that is willing to take him in. He could use his strength there, helping them to survive and they will help him. I really hope for him that things will work out this way otherwise there is not much hope.

I leave the training room, feeling eyes burning holes in my back but I don't really care. I earned that ranking. I fought and struggled with my fears just like everyone else. They will accept and maybe even see that for themselves someday.

* * *

"Hey, love." Tobias sits down next to me. Our backs are leaned against the railing. It's uncomfortable but I don't really feel it. His hand finds mine and we stay silent for a while. I always love how his hand is so much bigger than mine, hiding my own hand in his, keeping me warm and safe.

"Hey Four. What are you up to?" I ask my voice just loud enough for him to hear over the noise of the chasm.

"Nothing much really." He looks at me for a minute or two. He seems to be concerned and shoves me slightly.

"What's up with the long face?" I shrug. I have difficulties to express myself because I am not sure why I really am sad.

"We got the preliminary results this morning. I was first place." My voice is monotone.

"That's great, love. You can be proud." My face turns into a grimace.

"I don't know... of course I am proud but being first place puts me in a dangerous position." I frown slightly, my eyes staying on the jugged, dark grey stones of the chasm in front of me.

"Why is that?"

"You remember what a week ago happened?" He nods solemnly next to me.

"See. I am not up to this...this sort of competition. I mean there will be just ten of us getting membership...I know that. But it's hard to not feel like there will be a knife in my back if I don't watch it all the time." I try to massage my shoulders, to lose some tension in my muscles. I flinch when my fingers meet a knot.

"Don't get yourself worked up over it. We all watch out for you and it's just a week then everything will be over." I am grateful that he tries to cheer me up. But I am also a bit taken aback. Tobias is of course right but he is brushing off my fears with everyday phrases when normally he would make an afford to find the best words even if they hurt sometimes. I don't want to think about what his behavior might imply. Although I could be just especially sensual because of my last fear serum session and interpret too much into it.

"I can't wait for it." I grumble. He chuckles slightly and presses an encouraging kiss to my temple. A half-smile forms on my face in response and I press his hand in thanks. We let the rushing of the chasm wash over us and take pleasure in just sitting with each other. I think back to my meal with Jules and her friends and remember the things said about Tobias. I want to ask him what he does for the Leaders the whole time feeling the curiosity return but I dismiss it. It doesn't feel too important at the moment and maybe it is just something random that got blown out of proportion. Either way I decide that there will be a time for that later.

I lay my head down on his shoulder, breathing softly and not as shaken anymore. His presence is soothing in a pleasant way. Maybe it is because he is my brother and we are familiar with the way we think and feel. Though it doesn't seem like a good enough explanation. In comparison to other siblings we seem to be closer, more affectionate and care more for the other. I know that Susan and her brother were never this close. They looked out for each other and had their own way of communicating but I never saw them interact on the level Tobias and I did. Not with this much affection.

They would throw each other small smiles and speak about simple inside information that are normal when living under the same roof but never to the degree that you could see a deep sort of love. Thinking of it, I am absolutely sure that the way Tobias and I treat each other doesn't stem from being brother and sister only. Family can't make you love and trust. I know this better than most people. So maybe our relationship is something special in itself between siblings and because of our shared pain we share a unique bond with one another. Though it was born out of pain I can appreciate the love we hold for one another. Cherish it even and it is nothing I would ever want to miss.

"Any news concerning your love interest?" He asks and I jerk up at his sudden choice of topic. I blush slightly and shake my head.

"He apologized and said that he insulted me because I hurt him. I am not sure what I did to hurt him and it is quite confusing." I reply, my voice with a thoughtful quality to it. Tobias stays silent for a moment.

"I have an idea, though." He says lightly.

"What is it?" I ask, eager to get a few information to better understand the whole conversation Eric and I had in the training room.

"Well, that is for you to discover and I am not even sure if it is really the reason." I pout and he chuckles lightly. He takes a short look at his wristwatch and I huff. It seems that all of our time together is always cut short for the things he does. But I have to accept that, I think.

"As much as I would love to sit around the chasm with you all day I have to go." I nod and smile slightly.

"Go take a shower, relax a bit. You'll see, everything is going to be alright." He looks at me for a few seconds then goes off to wherever he has to be.

I stay behind, not quite ready to stand up yet. With Tobias gone the thoughts are back. Jules' words helped me to overcome the immense self-disgust I felt yesterday mostly. However, there is still a part of me that isn't completely sure that her interpretation of our reaction to the things that frighten us is true. I don't want to give this emotion too much power though and try to concentrate on solving it instead.

I know that I can be brave but I am not sure if this is all I need to face not only the fear of my father but the others I encountered under the serum. Maybe I have to accept Christina's kindness and trust her when she wants to pull me over the railing to save me. Maybe I have to accept that I know that closeness frightens me. Maybe I have to accept the part of me that is still selfless and cares for a boy that was stabbed in the eye. And maybe I have to be honest with myself more.

And just like that an idea enters my mind and I smile. That will work.

* * *

I enter the tattoo parlor to see Tori standing behind the counter.

"Shorty. Haven't seen you in a few days!" I nod at her in greeting approaching her with sure steps, hands relaxed next to me. She doesn't sound angry that I didn't take the time to see what she is up to. I think she knows how taxing initiation is and doesn't feel put off. I hope she doesn't. I like Tori for her insight she displayed the first time I came here to get my back covered. And for the things she showed me unconsciously the other times. That you can show your love in more ways than just one while she interacted with her brother in a way so completely different and refreshing. Or that it is ok to interact with people you don't know and maybe even be surprised that you can connect to them like I did with George over our shared love for our siblings.

"Nice to see you, too, Tori. How are you? And where is George? Still nursing his wounds?" I grin at her as she laughs out loud. I like the atmosphere of the parlor and feel myself relax more. The dim light, the loud music and the presence of a person I appreciate have a welcoming aspect to them because they overload my senses in a good way and help to strengthen my resolve.

"You should have seen him all shaken up because you kicked his ass so easily. What would I do to have seen it myself?" She brushes away a few stray tears and I just smile at her glee.

"And I am good, not as busy at the moment, but that's fine by me." I nod, thinking hard if I make the right decision. When going through my mind I don't feel any doubt.

"So, I came here for another tattoo." I see Tori smile friendly and pointing to a screen. I walk with her, braiding my hair into a side tail.

"What will it be this time?" Tori sits down on her usual stool, still with playfulness in her eyes but more businesslike too.

"Oh, just a few letters down my side. Maybe letting them intervene with the ivy from my back?" She nods and I pull my shirt off, laying down on my side on the table. I don't feel nervous anymore of baring myself in front of her and I take that as a victory over my fear to let anyone see my scarred body.

"What letters do you want?" Tori asks, bowing down to me and inspecting my side, pen in hand to get to work.

"A D at first, after that A, C, E and A again." I look at her expectantly and she raises her eyebrows.

"You sure?" I nod and she takes the tattoo gun. Another thing I like about Tori is that she doesn't question my decisions like any other person would and she doesn't pry. It's like she accepts my closed off behavior as a part of my character. Maybe she knows that I need some time before I can let anyone in? And maybe one day I can talk to her about the things she saw on my body and give her a part of my story. I don't feel too afraid at that thought.

It doesn't take too long to finish the letters. Tori lets me look at it again. When I see the finished picture in the mirror I am satisfied. The letters appear and disappear slightly before and behind the ivy and you have be close to get what they are.

"I know you won't start running around in a belly-top the next few months, but I hide them anyway. Though Dauntless isn't very strict it is never wise to show off all factions inked into your skin." I think it's her way to reprimand and warn me. I smile slightly and nod. I am not too worried that anyone will ever see or get it anyway. I pull on my shirt again and Tori raises her eyebrow in question.

"Can you please give me a bit of crème and a bandage for later? I want to shower before going to bed." I ask her in explanation.

"It isn't too wise either to shower after getting a tattoo, Tris. Infections are more likely to occur." She says in amusement but nods and gives me a small package. I thank her with a hug she is slightly taken aback about but returns after a moment.

"Take care, shorty." I nod at her reassuringly and leave the parlor, deciding to wander around a bit more before calling it a night. Now I have everything with me that I treasure about humans and that I think will help me in more ways than just facing and overcoming my fears in a simulation. Bravery, Selflessness, Honesty, Knowledge and Friendliness.

* * *

I don't know how long I just walked without taking in where I was going, feeling the memories resurface making me depressive, tired and angry at the same time. It was stupid to think that a new tattoo, a resolve and a talk to Tobias can just put a stop to emotions that were strong enough to question my own existence. The things I feel are just a shadow of the real events though and for that I am glad.

I arrive sometime later in the dorms. They are surprisingly empty and I am grateful because I don't think my face is neutral enough to hide everything I want to. When I step under the shower I turn the water to hot and relish in the burning sensation on my body. Though I am cautious with the new tattoo from the left side of my rips to my hipbone, I scrubbed the rest of my skin until it is red. I want to lose the still lingering feelings of cowardice and helplessness after my simulation with Marcus desperately. They make me sick.

It's quite fascinating that my father still holds power over me even though I am in another Faction now and I never have to see him again. Maybe, I think, it is something you overcome with time? Or maybe there will always be the little girl in me who was abused by the one man she should have been able to trust without a second thought? I sigh. I don't think I can answer these questions just now. I am in Dauntless for less than three weeks and I already am stronger. So maybe it is really just a thing time can tell and Jules' perspective will help me with that as well.

I wrap a towel around myself, unlock the door to the shower and push it open. My eyes are fixed on the floor before me and I am deep in thought. I just don't know how to overcome him in my simulation when I can't even stop worrying in the real world. He is this inhumanly strong monster and I just feel fear. Maybe I can...

But I don't finish the thought because suddenly pain explodes in my head. Someone is pulling my hair violently, pushing my front against the ice cold tiles of the bathroom in the next moment. A groan of pain leaves my mouth. I feel my towel slip to the floor but it is the last of my problems because there are hands on my arms, pulling them up with force and locking my wrists over my head.

"Payday, Darling." The voice lets me shiver. Not because it is laced with fury and lust but because I know the voice. I can't breathe for a moment, fear taking over as the man behind me pushes my legs apart with one of his knees. I feel him fumble with the fly on his pants and bile raises in my throat. The only thing I can think is no.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please. And.. not really sorry for the cliffhanger. :x_


	25. Chapter 24

_Thanks to my beta - Torry-Riddle. And I want you to procede with caution. The mentioned topics may be triggering and aren't pleasant at all. So please refrain from reading if you think you can't deal with sexual assault/attempted rape._

_Note: A big thank you especially to the guests (annie and all the others) for reviewing! I hope I didn't forget anyone else because I think I replied to anyone with an account and messages turned on._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, except my ideas. Veronice Roth does._

* * *

**Chapter 24**

I won't let the fear overpower me. Not this time. I throw my head back violently, hitting my attacker in the mouth feeling his teeth against the back of my head. He hisses in pain, grabs my head and slams it against the tiles. My cheek connects with it and explodes in pain. I feel blood running from it but just on an unconscious level. My whole being is set on one thing. To make him suffer. I chase away the dizziness still there and pull my hands violently down hoping he is just as dizzy as I am. It works and I can plant them next to me against the tiles. I push myself with full force away from the wall, making him stumble and fall backwards. I hear a loud thud and a cling and I know he is out cold.

My breath is ragged as I bend down to get my towel, wanting nothing more than to flee from the room. But first I have to look, have to see it with my own eyes. I turn around and there he lays unconscious. Al, the big softy who I know is a coward. His lip is split, teeth light red from the blood and I see a big bump starts to appear on the back of his head where it connected with the pipes.

"What's going on here?" I turn my head and see Peter out of the corners of my eyes. He is the last person I want to see. I don't answer him.

"Stiff, what happened?" His voice is barely above a whisper as he starts to see what could only be described as attempted rape. He takes a step closer coming over to me. I am glad I retrieved my towel when I could, clasping it in front of me. He watches me, takes in my bloody cheek.

"Everything alright?" I am confused why he would care. I nod, feeling really alright. Of course I am shaken from the things that nearly happened but a part of my brain also knows I was strong enough to prevent it. The same part that knows that not every men did that but just one. The one right in front of me. I keep my eyes trained on Al. Al that had a crush on me and cried because he couldn't congratulate his mother to her birthday. Al that is now twisted and broken because he was too weak for an initiation that he should have never entered to begin with. Soft Al who should have chosen Amity.

"What's that on your back?" Peter's voice startles me. I know without a doubt that he isn't talking about my tattoo and at the moment I don't care if he knows the truth or not. I turn to him, my grey-blue eyes fixed on his dark-blue ones. I don't know how I look or what my eyes show in that moment, but he shivers slightly and then frowns.

"My father." I just answer and turn away from Al, wrapping the towel around me more securely. I go to the dorm but before I leave I fix Peter with my eyes again.

"Don't tell anyone what you saw, what happened here or what I told you or you are dead." He simply nods though he doesn't appear to feel threatened.

I pull on my clothes and leave the dorm. I won't stay here. Not tonight and I wish not ever again. But I probably have to.

* * *

I knock at the door hoping I found the right one. At first there is nothing and then I hear soft steps approaching the wooden barrier. When Jules opens the door I smile slightly and she just looks shocked. Without a word she lets me enter and pushes me to her bathroom, pointing to the toilet. I sit down and don't protest when she starts to clean my cheek first with water then with disinfection. I don't hiss in pain though the spray hurts. Jules is gone for a few minutes and returns with a patch and a small pack of ice.

We sit down on her couch after she made sure I am not hurt anywhere else. She is serving the tea she gave me the last time I was here. The scent of the hot liquid calms me down even though I thought I was calm before. I don't look at Jules but I feel her eyes on me. The liquid in my cup is just too fascinating.

"Do you need me to get Eric?" I stiffen and then chuckle lightly, a bit self-ironic. The thought of her getting Eric because she thinks it would help me is disturbing and hilarious at the same time. I don't think I can face him under normal circumstances at the moment not to talk about now.

"I don't think I could talk to him right now." Out of the corner of my eyes I see Jules frown. I think I know why she asked me. The last time something happened he was the one to calm me down, to be there for me. But it was before I realised I have a crush on him and before the strange conversation. And I just wouldn't feel comfortable telling him the story of Al trying to rape me.

"Than talk to me. What happened with your cheek? And why is there blood in your hair?"

"I don't think I can talk about that either." My voice slightly wavers and I clear my throat after taking a cautious sip from the cup.

"Well, Tris, you have two options here. I can take you to Eric and you will have to talk to him. No one gets away from him least of all you the way you look at the moment." I snort but Jules ignores it, voice serious.

"Or you talk to me and I won't judge you and won't tell a soul if you don't want me to. It should be clear as a sunny day that you can't just show up here in a mess and expect me to just take you in without questioning you. Without being concerned for you." I sigh. I know she is right and I am really grateful.

"I was attacked after I finished my shower. An initiate." I hear Jules take in a deep breath but she doesn't say anything and I continue.

"He pushed me front first against a wall and tried to pin me there." I snort again because it isn't very funny and I feel livid thinking about it.

"As if he could take me down. I was three times better than him in the first stage. He threatened me, wanted to have revenge because I apparently turned him down, I guess. But I don't know for sure... there wasn't much talking going on and its not like he explained anything." I pause again, taking a bigger gulp from my cup, the tea still hot and burning my throat and tongue a bit, but I don't care. It's good to have control over the pain I feel.

"So I threw back my head, getting him in the mouth. He reciprocated, slamming my face against the tiles but he didn't count on my fierceness to not let that happen to me. I got my hands free, pushed him back full force. He stumbled I think and fell landing with his head on the pipes. Good thing the Leaders don't care about our bathrooms to have them all nice and updated. Can't believe some rusty pipes stopped the rape." When I say this out loud a lump forms in my throat and this time I stay silent for good. I put down the cup, pull down the sleeves of my pullover so I can hide my hands in them. Jules doesn't try to reach out for me and when I look into her eyes I don't see pity like the last time. I see pride in them. She smiles a small smile and I reply with one of my own. She shakes her head.

"I can't believe that he would underestimate you." We share a laugh then, because crying isn't an option.

"I don't want anyone else to know. This is between the two of us, ok?" I know I demand a lot from her but I hope she appreciates my leap of faith in her and reciprocates.

"You know you have every right to bring this to the authorities?" She asks and I nod.

"It doesn't need to be looked at. He will be factionless soon enough. So let's just pretend that didn't happen and tell no one?" I narrow my eyes a bit, find some strength to even put some threat into them as well. Jules nods and smiles.

"Pssch, please... I value my life, thank you very much." I grin at her in response, but I feel exposed and even though I believe her I have to make sure one last time.

"Not even Eric, Jules. Please." Her face becomes serious and she nods.

"I promise, Tris. It's like I told you: If you don't want anyone to know, I won't tell." We stay silent afterwards, not uncomfortable but companionable. The minutes tick by but I don't really notice, my thoughts thankfully circling smoothly without touching any dangerous topics.

* * *

I wake up on Jules' couch again, feeling just as relaxed as I did last time. Maybe because there aren't eight other people sleeping in the same room with me. I think I will never be comfortable sleeping with so many people so close to me. It feels threatening, even more so now because I know one of them is broken enough to try to rape me.

I use Jules' shower, feeling better now that I have the safety of a private bathroom. When I exit the shower I take my time to get dressed. I notice the bruises at my wrists but just fleetingly. They will soon go away. I am more concerned about the small cut on my cheek. It will be difficult to find an explanation for the blue and violet hues around it.

I don't linger to long in front of the mirror. When I enter the living room Jules has already prepared breakfast again. We sit together not really talking enjoying a small meal in silence. I help Jules clean the table and she shows me how she brews the tea I took a liking too. I associate it with safety I guess.

I know I should go soon because there are still one and a half days of stage two left but I take my time, sitting with Jules who tells me stories about her time in Erudite, things she did with Lisa, tells me about her parents, and how they reacted to her decision to join Dauntless.

"You should have seen my mother's face when she saw me on Visiting Day. I think she would still be speechless if my father hadn't pulled one of his dry jokes." I laugh alongside her, enjoying the way she tells her anecdotes that I can picture it myself.

"What did he say?" I ask and I know there is a humorous glint in my eyes mirroring her own.

"Well he put an arm around me and said..." Suddenly there is a knock on the door that interrupts Jules.

"The door is open." She yells and I look at her incredulous. She just shrugs. Eric enters and stops dead in his tracks when he sees me. His eyes immediately narrow.

"What happened." He doesn't ask, he demands an answer.

"I fell and Jules cleaned the wound." I say, shrugging nonchalantly. It's slightly ironic that I still can come up with lies so easily even after I left Abnegation. Then it was to cover the abuse, now it is to cover an attack. Maybe that's the reason why.

Jules plays along just fine, nods and throws him an easy smile. He stays silent and I play indifference. I lean to the table and want to take my cup casually to not show him how his whole presence changes the atmosphere around me and affects me. Too late I see my sleeve isn't hiding my wrist anymore, showing the dark bruises. I inwardly curse but try to play it cool, taking my cup and sipping at it as if nothing happened. Eric stares me down, probably wants me to submit to his intense glare but it lost it frightening quality when I realised I have a crush on him, I guess.

"Nice try. Come up with something better." He says, voice laced with suppressed anger, closes the door and steps forward. He crosses his arm in front of his chest, his face a cool mask. I don't back down and look back to him in defiance. Our eyes are glued to each other, challenging and I need to concentrate to not get lost there. It's strange that he has this effect even though I feel angry and defiant. Maybe it is because I am vulnerable at the moment?

"Let it drop, Eric. Everything's fine. What do you want?" Jules speaks up and I thank her silently, letting my eyes drop to the cup in my hand. At first I think Eric wants to ignore her, feeling his stare at my long covered wrist, eyebrows furrowed for just a second then he ignores me instead not meeting my eyes, not even glancing in my direction. I am torn between relaxing and feeling hurt. I scoff at myself.

"I wanted to ask you if you would like to go down to eat lunch. I have time on my hands until later." His voice is calm and deep again. I feel Goosebumps rise on my arms.

"I would like that. I will be out in just a few minutes." She smiles at him and he nods once, leaving her flat and probably waiting outside. Jules looks at me, at the slight flush in my cheeks and the way I hold my cup like a lifeline, still staring at her front door he just left through. I bite my lip. I hear her clear her throat and look in her direction. She smiles gleefully and I roll my eyes.

"Just say it already." I growl not at her but at my reaction. It seems I get more obvious every time I encounter him.

"I think you are head over heels for my best friend. And already deep into him by the looks of it." She chuckles lightly but keeps her voice down. I am grateful for her foresight.

"What can I say, you are right but being a former Erudite that isn't too surprising." I huff and Jules chuckles again at my reaction.

"I just don't know what to do about it." I say, gulping down the last remains of my tea.

"Well, you can tell him." I look at her ready to kill her and she laughs out loud this time.

"Just kidding. Don't look at me like that." She throws a small pillow at me, smiling and I smile slightly as well, enjoying the light atmosphere even though we are talking about my feelings. Jules reaction helps me to accept my crush for Eric a bit more.

We bring our cups into her small kitchen. I start to rinse them in the sink and realise that I have to leave the comfortable flat because of course I can't stay here forever. I really don't want to face anyone else at the moment but there is no other way. I won't hide because there is no reason to. I may have some injuries and the incident itself left me a foul taste of vulnerability in my mouth but I stepped up for myself. I didn't let someone else hurt me like I did in my fear serum stimulation. Jules looks at me for a moment, smiling encouragingly.

"Don't worry, Tris. Everything will be alright eventually." I glance in her direction and I want to believe her.

* * *

I spot Uriah, Lynn and Marlene at their usual table and decide to join them. They will see me later for the training anyway and I think it would be better to get over with it, letting them ask their questions. I am close to their table when I feel a hand on my arm, turning me around. I stiffen and take a cautious step back. Al stands in front of me. Split lip, bump on his head, pale features and a blue eye? I didn't give him that.

I find Peter's eyes for a moment and surprisingly see satisfaction. Is he responsible for Al's black eye? I am sure he is when he nods in my direction once. I return the gesture, small smile on my face and feeling a slight connection with the boy who always insulted and humiliated me. Who would have thought...? But the feeling vanishes soon after when I remember who stands in front of me. I really don't want to hear his words or any excuses because there are none. Nothing can excuse what he tried to do to me. Even worst is his body language. He behaves like a kicked puppy, like he was the one nearly raped. Bile raises in my throat and then he starts to speak and I just want to vomit.

"Tris, I don't know what came over me...the stress, missing my parents, that I will be Factionless tomorrow... I...please, can you forgive me?" His voice is a whimper, his eyes big and full of regret. I have never been so disgusted in my entire life.

"If you ever ... ever come near me again, I will kill you." I emphasize each word, my voice stronger and louder than I expected making a few faces turn in our direction. "You are such a coward."

With that I turn around and I don't care that I saw something break in his eyes. I join Uriah, Marlene and Lynn who look at me funnily but don't ask any questions just lending me their silent support. Lynn passes me her salad because she knows I still like to eat things that don't have too much spices on them, Marlene throwing me my water that she always takes with her when I am late for a meal and Uriah making a stupid joke about a make-up experiment gone wrong, laughingly pointing a finger to my cheek. I grin at them and am happy for my privilege to call them my friends. We continue to eat and I listen to their banter, quipping up when I have something to add and smiling alongside them. I don't feel remorse for my behavior towards Al because I have every right to hate his guts. Real friends don't try to rape one another.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	26. Chapter 25

_Thanks to my beta - Torry-Riddle._

_A/N: Hello everyone. Because easter holidays started today and I (have to go) will be gone to visit my parents, I won't be able to upload anything for the weekend and I just couldn't wait to show you this chapter. Let me know what you think. _

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, except my ideas. Veronice Roth does._

* * *

I get better with every simulation I have to go through. It is taxing on the mind and I feel emotionally exhausted after my session but the fear doesn't eat me away afterwards anymore and I am even able to break out of the fear including my father. Maybe because I fought off Al I can now fight Marcus off as well.

We stand together, waiting for Lynn when a breathless Will approaches us.

"It's Al. He jumped." Four words and everything changes. Marlene goes pale and I school my features to not sneer. I never thought I would be able to hate someone so much I don't even feel the slightest sorrow for their death. Maybe I am biased and unfair and cruel but I cannot bring myself to be sad just the slightest bit.

Uriah and Marlene join Will on his way back. I stay behind, not quite sure if I really want to wait for Lynn or just need a moment to myself to calm myself down. He took the coward's way out. I try to find peace within me, to get rid of the girl I am since the attempted rape because I don't really like her all that much. There is a fine line between being indifferent and being cruel and I have the feeling I overstepped that line for quite a few paces.

So I focus on the Al who I met in the first week. The Al that cried at night because there had to be so much fear and regret within him. The Al who told me that he couldn't find it in himself to fight someone until they submitted to unconsciousness. And maybe I can feel sorrow for this boy. Not the boy who tried to rape me and hurt me but the boy who thought he is in love with me, with a girl that he barely knew.

Lynn comes out of the room and looks at me quizzically. I fill her in with as much words as Will used and she just nods. I think Lynn is a really empathetic being. She is all sarcasm, dark humor and crude remarks but deep down she can just feel things other people would miss. And instead of forming a sentence that is hiding her shock and sadness to placate my obvious indifference, she just nods grimly.

* * *

While we walk I try to remember how Abnegation treated people committing suicide. There wasn't one in my time there and even if there was I was too often at home or volunteering the crap out of me to know about it.

I think I overheard a conversation once between two old women, dressed in grey, their grey streaked hair up in the usual plain bun. The only thing not plain about them were their faces. I found all the creases and age spots really fascinating and beautiful. It made them so special, portraying their lives, letting them appear to be wise. Their hands were thin and you could see the signs of their work there.

They were speaking quietly behind me while I sorted through the distributions of the other Factions, arranging them according to their size. They talked about a man that both of them knew who committed suicide when they were still young. Apparently the other Abnegation found suicide to be an act of selfishness and because of that it was deeply frowned upon. The ultimate act of selfishness, putting the own life above the others, ending it to no longer help the people who really need help. They said that if you feel so sad and depressed to end your life you haven't tried hard enough to lose yourself in the work for the people around you. I can intellectually understand where they come from. Emotionally I felt bad for the boy finding it necessary to stop existing because there was too much pain and insecurity in him. Of course I held my tongue and kept my opinion to myself. Suddenly the two women weren't wise anymore but too conform to a system that forces people to think like them or not at all.

* * *

I follow behind Lynn the whole time because I have no idea where Dauntless holds their memorials. I am slightly surprised to find myself at the chasm. I am disappointed as well. The chasm was the place I would go to shut down my thoughts and be alone at and now I find out that Dauntless mourns – no – celebrates the dead here. I smell alcohol and the chatter even drowns out the rushing water. I get lost in the noise for a moment until I hear one voices that is louder then everything else.

"Shut up!" Eric yells, standing on something to let him overlook the crowd. "Today Albert, an initiate who hasn't even finished the second stage, proved to be really Dauntless." There is cheering and yelling again and all I can do is try not to vomit. How can he say something like that about a person who chose death over life?

"Albert took a step into an adventure not everyone is brave enough for. He walks unknown paths and proves his bravery every step he takes. So let us celebrate Albert, the brave!" I feel bile raise in my throat, my fist shaking next to me. Voices around me intone in different voices, deep and high, slurred and sober his name again and again until it isn't recognizable anymore. I hear the clattering of bottle against bottle, cheers and yells and laughter for a boy who tried to rape a girl and was a coward for choosing dying above living with his guilt. I turn around and leave. I don't want to hear it anymore and no memory of a kind boy making a wrong decision can change that.

* * *

I wander around again, try to walk off the energy and emotions I feel. I don't stumble anymore, my body and feet already used to the uneven ground of the tunnels that are like a maze. I wish I could put into words what I want and what I feel. I wish my life wouldn't be so complicated.

I sigh in frustration remember my own advice. Don't dwell on the things you cannot have. Ironically enough it was after a conversation with Al I reminded myself to remember that no wishing or yearning would change what is already in the past. It would just be a waste of time. So I have to adapt to the only life I will ever know.

Maybe it isn't my plan to live a simple life and I unconsciously walk from one disaster into the next because I want to fulfill that plan. Or it is my special kind of luck. Edward, Peter, Al, Eric. It seems all of my problems are rooted in my interaction with males. Oh, and Christina. But she seems to be a one on my catastrophe scale in comparison to all the other things going on. Peter is ranking low at the moment as well and Edward is gone though I sometimes see the scenes in front of my eyes again I am not as bothered anymore. Al is gone as well. I grit my teeth for the moment. Albert the brave – it just doesn't sit right with me that Eric put it that way.

Eric. What to do about Eric. Curiosity. Physical attraction. To be in love with him. A drastic change from everything I thought at the beginning but I don't regret it or wish for it to be different. Being introduced to him and getting to know him the slightest already changed so much for me that I dream about really knowing him and maybe knowing me as well. It's a bit frustrating that I seemingly depend on him. For the moment I gave up on the idea that my feelings for him are just a fleeting thing and accepted that I have to carry the burden of these feelings alone.

* * *

Many hours later I find myself at the chasm again not tired enough to go to sleep. Maybe it is against the rules to be out so late all the time but I don't care enough right now to worry about it and I don't think Dauntless is strict when it comes to small things like this. They want us to obey commands, true, but staying out late seems not like the thing I would be kicked out for.

The celebration for Albert finished mostly or was taken to the Pit. I don't think most people even remember his name at this point. They find excuses themselves to forget about their own stress and maybe even pain and losses. They enjoy their time together with friends and family, dancing, drinking, getting lost in the moment. I think I will do the same when I am a member. I know there are enough reasons in my past far away and recent and even now for me to search events and people I can forget with. For a moment I shiver slightly: If initiation is taxing on the mind how is life as a Dauntless? Or is it something else, some things in their past they want to forget? I don't know and will hopefully find out myself because that means I made it.

I stand against the railing of the chasm, the cool metal bars pressing into my hip and lower stomach. The noise of the chasm envelops me, the water again pulling me into a trance. Maybe Albert stood here when he jumped. What was on his mind when he took his last breaths? Guilt? Regret? I shake my head. It doesn't matter. Albert the brave. I scoff. Nothing can be further from the truth.

I hear footsteps behind me and I know a second later who it is. I don't turn around and I don't acknowledge him. I shouldn't be angry for the words he said about Al. No one speaks badly about the dead and he doesn't know what happened before Al took his own life.

I focus my eyes on the water beneath me, the dark waves crashing against the sharp stones, white foam like a crown. But I can't focus too long because I am so aware of him standing behind me, arms probably crossed, face indifferent. I huff in annoyance at my own awareness.

"Nice speech." I hear my voice and I am surprised of the sarcasm dripping from it. It is strained as well and I grit my teeth. At first Eric says nothing and the tension is thick in the air around us. Why, I have no idea.

"It's the protocol." His voice is calm and deep but there is an underlining note of surprise as well. Maybe he doesn't take me for a sarcastic person and I normally am not. I think my tiredness and bitterness are to thank for it. I stay silent and more feel then hear him approach me. His hand lays down on one side of the railing right next to me. The heat of his arm seeping into me even though he is a few centimeters away.

"Why are you here in the middle of the night?" I shrug.

"Couldn't sleep. You know, a friend of mine dying and all."

"I don't believe you and I am tired of your lies." He growls a bit, probably a bit pissed off because I lie right through my teeth for the second time in a short amount of time. His voice sends shivers down my spine and I could just pull my hair out because of this kind of effect on me. Until he appeared out of nowhere I was safe in my bubble. Now I am feeling vulnerable and I don't like it.

I already know how I feel about him. I accepted it and that Jules is right, that I am in deep. But I don't want him to know because it would make my vulnerability for the things he says and does even more dangerous, adding up to my momentary state I think I may break. I frown at my mind getting carried away again with musings about him and my feelings for a moment. Eventually I have to face him I tell myself. And I don't think I can just go like the last time to avoid him and my emotions or his. So I sigh and turn around brushing his arm, my back now to the railing, feeling small drops of water land on it, my arms crossed protectively in front of me.

"Why do you even care?" I say and instead of looking into his damn grey eyes, I look at his broad chest and then to something behind him. I hope he will just let me be so I don't have to lie again, so I don't have to face the tension in the air and not hear what he has to say. Maybe I can't leave but he can and I hope he will without approaching the things that seem to lay between us. I am not angry with him, I think, but with confusion comes lashing out if poked too much.

"I already told you and I am tired of you running away from it and ignoring it as well, Stiff." The way he spits that slang right into my face indignities a fire in me. I scoff at his response.

"I don't know what you are talking about." Out of the corner of my eye I see his hand gripping the railing harder, his knuckles white.

"I think I was wrong." He says and I am slightly taken aback by this response. I look in his general direction and see a fire in his eyes now as well. I don't need to point out that he needs to elaborate for me to understand what he means.

"You are weak. And you are a coward. A weak coward who doesn't want to talk and prefers running away from the things around you." His voice drips with venom and suddenly I am tired of evading him and feel like fighting. I feel daring again, just like the first time I saw him and he challenged us to jump off the damn roof. It's probably a mixture of his words and the events that took place – Al's funeral, initiation, his closeness – everything makes me explode.

"You know nothing, ok. If you want to talk, let's talk. Or even better you explain some things to me because maybe I am too stupid to grasp them." He doesn't back down when my eyes connect with his and I shouldn't have expected it. Maybe he is right and I am the coward? But my thoughts are drowned by the noise of the chasm and the words out of my mouth.

"Explain to me why I can't stop looking at you... or why I know you are in the same room the moment you enter it and I haven't even seen you. Or why I cannot stand to be with you and away from you the same time. Why can't I just stop thinking of you?" I know I sound slightly hysteric now and really desperate because I haven't spoken so Cleary about my feelings for him and the confusion they bring ever before but I don't care. The weight that nearly crushed me lifts with every word I say and I haven't said enough.

"I try to hate what you do to me! I try to ignore that you have this stupid effect on me. I try to put a stop to my hilarious feelings for you but can't deny them and they just don't go away. I hate my weakness and vulnerability around you and I hate even more that you saw it, that you know about it and know how to push my buttons... So, please, if you don't have answers for me or make it better in any way just leave me the fuck alone. I am tired of this shit as well." The last part I growl and I am surprised by my own use of so many swear words in one speech. And I am surprised I don't feel embarrassed or bad about talking to him this way. It just feels right to get it out of my mind. Maybe I can let go now, go on from here with a slightly bruised ego but a new determination in my steps.

But as always he doesn't react the way I thought he would. I thought he would growl at me again, telling me to mind my place here. Or I thought he would smirk at my childish outburst. Or I even expected him to just turn around because nothing I said affects him at all. Instead of all the possibilities he takes a threatening step forward and I press harder into the railing.

The boldness and anger I felt just a minute ago vanish with this one step and I stay pressed against the metal bars not able to properly breath. I look into his eyes then and this time I don't hide. I let him see a part of me that no one except Tobias has seen before. He looks startled for a moment, maybe taken aback by my brutal honesty, my show of vulnerability and I think I win and he will leave me alone repulsed by my words. But his body presses into mine without me realising he closed in on me. We align to another perfectly I notice perplexed but then I stop thinking because he titles my chin forcefully up, looking into my eyes and a second later kisses me and I kiss him back.

His right hand is in my hair, winding his fingers in the loose tresses. The left pressing me into him on the small of my back, away from the cold metal. All I can feel are his burning lips on mine. He isn't gentle or soft and nothing feels like I imagined a first kiss would feel like. But it animates me to go along, giving into him, letting him feel my desperation, anger and cluelessness.

Eric pushes further into me even though there couldn't possibly be any space left between us. His tongue ask – no demands – entrance into my mouth, making it even clearer when he growls in an animalistic way. He explores my mouth when I give in and our teeth are clashing before he calms down a bit, stopping his aggressive assault and continuing a bit slower, a bit more sensual but still with a dominant streak I think no female can withstand. I know I can't. He bites my lip playfully and I moan, feeling a burning sensation in my stomach. I don't know where he starts and I end anymore.

"Tris, I was looking..." The person interrupts herself and Eric breaks away from me. I look up slightly dazed only to be shocked a second later. Christina is standing in front of us, eyes wide, and mouth open.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	27. Chapter 26

_Thanks to my beta - Torry-Riddle._

_A/N: Enjoy the chapter because reading through it just a few minutes ago lets me feel like I could have done sooo much better. Sorry if it isn't up to standard, but it needs to be there. And don't hate me, please._

_Thanks again for all the wonderful responses to Chapter 25. I can't say how wonderful it was to read them._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, except my ideas. Veronice Roth does._

* * *

"Chris, I... "But I stop myself, not even sure what I want to say, what I even think at the moment. My voice sounds slow, my mind having difficulties to catch up to the situation at hand. I see her mouth thinning into an angry line, her eyes losing the cheerfulness.

"Shut it." She says, turns around and I can just stare. I feel lips on my temple and am back with Eric, his heat making me sweat, his body pressed so close with his scent that drives me wild and relaxes me at the same time. His thump on my back draws lazy circles, he is gentle and soft. I see my hands are in places I didn't put them consciously – one in his neck, my nails against his skin, the other fisted into the fabric of his vest. I feel his breath on my cheek and neck. When I look up his eyes are darker than I have ever seen them and there is strange mixture of affection and anger in them.

"Never speak to me in that way again. Or about your feelings for me as if they are worthless." He says without the normal cold edge that is present whenever he speaks. How he still remembers anything before that kiss is beyond me. I look at him, cheeks flushed, still a bit out of breath, lips tingling and conflicting emotions inside of me. If I wouldn't feel his chest heaving faster than normal or hadn't seen his eyes so smoldering I would think nothing about our heated encounter had any effect on him. My head and heart are arguing over pulling him into another kiss or making the right choice and go after Chris.

I frown mentally, reminding myself that I want to be honest with me – my new tattoo being a witness for that. I don't want to go because of Chris but because I feel fear under the cloak of my other emotions and it is slowing undressing, baring its ugly form to me. I stop arguing over exploring more of the heat I feel or taking the save way out to protect myself. I know I cannot push him away if he has his mind set on staying close but when I try he moves.

I take a few steps away from him as well. I want to put as much distance between us as possible without appearing to be frightened or running away. My mind is in overdrive. I am afraid of the things he just made me feel, the abandon he kissed me with and my reaction, falling right into the rhythm of the kiss. I am afraid what will happen now. I am afraid what Christina might think. There is so much fear I have difficulties to stay on my two feet and not fall over on my knees.

"That shouldn't have happened." I say, my thoughts flowing smoother now I am not so close to him but am driven by fear. At least that is normal. I hadn't expected that, nothing of it. Not the slight imperfection, not the heat and the power that make my first kiss the most perfect one I could have ever wished for. I look up to him, his face drawn into a frown, his jaw tightening by the second.

"I don't care about the Candor. Let her be angry, she will get over it ... and over herself hopefully, too." He watches me and I don't know what he thinks. I can acknowledge his twisted way of trying to comfort me about something that clearly doesn't bother him but me. But Christina isn't really the big thing at the moment. My fear of closeness is. My fear of letting myself feel the emotions he evokes, my attention he holds. It all weights down on my shoulders and it hurts because I have the feeling that it will get too much for me soon.

I know that some part of me would really like to just be in his arms again and feel the heat that burnt away the desperation and anger. He held me as if nothing could reach me there in that embrace. But what would there be afterwards. I am not ready for this, not ready to let go and I feel like a stupid coward. My head is a mess and I hate myself because what happened to 'leave me alone' and not pursuing anything?

"It's not Christina I am mostly worried about." I say, my lips numb, my hands shaking. I need to go soon. I don't want him to see me break again.

"She is my friend ...well more or less...but..." I don't continue because I don't know how to put my rushing thoughts into a sentence he will understand. Another thing enters my mind, apart from letting anyone coming too close. There is more to my reason, why I shouldn't have let him kiss me and shouldn't have returned the kiss.

"You are my instructor. Fuck..." It seems today I would catch up on all the swear words I never used when I was still in Abnegation.

"I was your instructor for the first stage. Now I just stand back and let Amar take the rest." He says casually and maybe I think he wants to reassure himself as well that his kiss wasn't against any law or maybe even one of his moral standards although I am not quite sure what they would even look like. If only he knows how thankful I am on the one side and how sad I am on the other. He tries to reassure me that my feelings are ok, that it is alright to feel this way. Maybe he even wants to make sure I don't feel guilty. Apart from that it triggers another question: where do we go from now?

I know I can't make a decision now with all the chaos in my head and there are too many things I don't understand or know. Without the facts at hand I can never make a conclusion for myself. I need to know why he did what he did. I am tired of guessing and assuming.

"Eric, why did you kiss me?" My question is blunt and the approach really ungraceful – but I don't care about that at the moment. I want some answers, maybe even some help to figure one thing out that bothers me since I came here.

"It was an easy way to shut you up." Eric says and shrugs nonchalantly, but he doesn't look at me and I know from the way he crosses his arms and his whole posture that that isn't true.

"Liar." My eyes are hard and fierce. I can't take these things right now. When he looks at me and sees my scowl he smirks broadly but doesn't explain further. I bite my lip, trying to suppress the fear, the desperation to know, to finally understand something. My hands shake badly.

"You know other ways to shut people up. I have seen it. So why did you kiss me. Why do you all of these things?" Speaking of the kiss brings back the blush from before but my eyes stay fierce, my temper not quite under my control. But this is good, I guess. Anger and my temper are a safe ground.

"I think I made that quite clear the last time we spoke to each other in the training room." He says, his jaw clenching and unclenching now, the smirk gone. Maybe he slowly catches up?

"Spell it out for me, then." I challenge him because I just don't want to guess anymore. His face turns to me, his grey eyes connecting with my grey-blue ones and for a moment I can see behind the facade. It leaves me breathless and a bit more afraid of what will come now.

"Maybe because I am tired of denying that there is something between us, that you do something to me that I can't explain. Maybe because I stare at you without even noticing it. Maybe because you can touch something inside of me without even trying." He stops there for a moment and I am taken aback by his honesty, by his way of sharing his thoughts and feelings with me. And I envy him. Not because he can be honest but because I see no fear but just confusion in his words. I look at him, my eyes fixed on his face, looking into his eyes and letting my gaze flicker to his lips now and then.

"As I said before you can hurt me and it is frustrating. And your eyes... Do you know what your eyes do to me? All these little glances you throw in my direction undressing me in a most innocent way and challenging me at the same time?" His voice sounds strained as well now and I am speechless. I don't know what he sees when he is looking at me then but he takes a few steps forward. I can't stop him when he leans down, takes my face in his hand and again surprises me when he lets his forehead rest against mine. My body doesn't respond to my screeching mind to get away. It is caught up in Eric's gesture.

It's such a contradicting gesture to the heated kiss and his normal posture that I am breathless for a moment. I shut my eyes, shutting my mind down as well and enjoy his closeness. I never thought touches and closeness could be so beautiful or comforting. But then again he could always come close and I wouldn't feel panic raise within me. He kisses my lips softly again, his lips warm and I sigh.

My own sound brings me back to the reality of it all. As much as I enjoy this perfect moment I feel the nagging fear, the urge to run away and to stomp down on my feelings because they will make me even more vulnerable and I don't know if I can stand it. I pry away his hand from my face, the movement painful because I like his touch and freeing because the fear doesn't claw at me as much at the same time.

"I think I should go now." I don't look at him and I turn around, probably making his statement from the beginning of this hilarious standoff true – I do tend to run away. I am a coward. He doesn't follow me and I am happy but sad at the same time. Hopefully there is time to talk to each other soon when I have figured out the things inside of me.

* * *

This whole evening was nothing but exhaustion. I am tired but I need to see if there is anything I can do to speak with Christina. The thought of her distracts me from my reaction towards Eric, my mind getting lost in other things. She was suspicious before and every time I said there wasn't anything between the two of us, every time I swore must seem like a lie to her now. We haven't spoken for a few days but that doesn't mean I should just let her come up with her own explanations. She probably thinks that's the reason why I was third in the first stage ranking even though I lost two fights and am first in the second stage now. It makes me angry for a moment that she would believe that because she knows how hard I worked to get to that point and she knows how strained I was from training and fighting and everything else. But the feeling vanishes soon because to feel more than the sadness and the weight on my shoulders would be too much at the moment.

When I reach the dorm everything is black but I walked this dorm in the dark for the last three weeks now and I know where I have to be careful to not wake anyone up or to hurt myself. I manoeuvre myself through the room of deeply asleep people, hear no tossing and turning from the cot Al occupied and in just a few seconds I am next to Christina's cot trying to see if she is awake. With one hand I carefully shake her shoulder and whisper:

"Christina, can we please talk about it?"

"You can piss off." It's like a slap in the face. I leave her alone, go into my own cot not bothering with changing out of the black skinny jeans. I curl on my side, pressing my face into the rough material of the pillow, drifting off to sleep with a burning sensation behind my eyes but no tear escaping.

* * *

When I wake up the next morning Christina is already gone. She probably wants to evade me. I sigh and stand up. I feel a slight burning in my side and remember my tattoo. I totally forgot to take care of it with everything going on around me. So I take a quick shower, use the crème Tori gave me and find myself before the mirror that is a bit misted over. I brush it away with my left hand and take a closer look at me. Maybe I have expected to look different now that my feelings are out in the open and being kissed for the first time. But aside from an awareness in my eyes that wasn't there before I still look the same.

I touch my lips, remembering the feeling of Eric's lips against mine. I don't spot a silly smile when I start braiding my hair because I am too insecure about the whole situation I find myself in and still remember the consuming fear. He knows about my crush. I shake my head to chase away the thoughts for a little longer. And I know about his feelings – at least I think I do. I don't know what to expect. Does he expect anything now? How do I act now?

I snort and turn away from the mirror. There are more pressing matters, I try to tell my mind. Matters that aren't so complicated and loaded with too many emotions. I need to speak to Christina and I am happy that for the first time my priorities seem to be sorted in an acceptable way – even if I forced them to do so. I am a bit surprised that I care about her opinion so much, though. Our budding friendship was short, destroyed by jealousy, suspicion and not clearing things between us when they should have been. I don't know what to expect but I hope that everything will turn out alright.

* * *

I don't go down to breakfast because I am not really hungry. I don't want to see Eric or anyone else at the moment as well. I am sure why I hide from him: I still feel too vulnerable to speak to him. But I have to at one point. I want to know what happens now. I feel uneasy because I don't have any experience to look at and I am not sure what I want myself except one thing: getting control back over my fear. Do I want to explore more of him? Yesterday that questions was answered with a yes without a second thought but now I am not so sure. The things he made me feel before the kiss were concerning enough. I shove the thoughts of him aside, don't want to lose myself in them. I have a mission.

So instead of going to the cafeteria I begin my search for Christina. Unfortunately I am not sure where she goes with Will when she doesn't have to train herself. I know she isn't at my usual places – the training room or the chasm – because I never saw her there. So where else could she be? I guess the Pit is a good try and enter it a few minutes later. There are a few people in small groups as always and the atmosphere holds a certain familiarity and lightness. I take a turn around the hall and spot Christina near a formation of stones that seems to be placed there so you can sit down on them. Her legs are folded under her and she seems to be deep in thought. I feel nervous about the impending conversation but square my shoulders. I have to go through it.

When I am just a few steps away she looks at me. For a moment I think she will just stand up and leave but she doesn't. Her eyes are glinting but not with malice or hate. She just looks confused and curious, too. I feel hopeful that maybe we can speak this through. I sit down next to her, hands in my pockets, my side turned to her. I take a deep breath and don't let my insecurity get the better of me.

"Hey, Christina." I more mumble than say and furrow my brow at my own display of guilt. There isn't anything to feel guilty about but my own omission to clear things with her sooner.

"It's Chris, Tris. I already told you." I nod and look up. Her eyes are narrowed a bit. Maybe she is as unsure as I am? I chew my bottom lip and think about a way to start this conversation. I don't feel too good about our surroundings but I try to keep my mind on Christina and not on the people that may or may not listen in on us. It doesn't matter anyway because I won't reveal too much.

Before I can come up with a word to start, she beats me to it. I should have expected it. She is a former Candor even though I can't picture her in anything other than the Dauntless black.

"Look, Tris. I am sorry for a lot of things I did and said." I am surprised and take a closer look at her face. Her brows are furrowed and she bites her lip for a moment. I nod to her to continue.

"I know I did you wrong right from the beginning but what can I say... we aren't taught to expect Abnegation to act the way you do and you aren't very open about personal things or you as a person either." I snort.

"I never was Abnegation, Chris." My comment isn't necessary because she knows that already but I need to point it out for my own sake.

"I know that now. At least not as Abnegation as the stereotype is described to us." She pauses and maybe she needs to sort her thoughts and words.

"I don't want to talk about fault here, but how can I know what makes you tick? I know I was too quick to judge you and should have talked to you instead of just believing the things some people say. But it is as much your fault as it is mine. You are all small smiles and random comments but you never speak about yourself." I think for a moment and I know that she is right. It's not easy to let people see me as the person I am. Maybe because I don't even know what kind of person I am and don't feel comfortable to share with others. Or I just don't know how to let anyone in that isn't my brother or earn my respect this way or another. I sigh and run a hand over my forehead, narrowing my eyes a bit.

"I am not good with this sort of thing... letting people in on my past or thoughts. It frightens me."

"You don't say." I snort at her comment and she smiles as well.

"You know what I mean. That said it doesn't give you the right to belittle me or be suspicious about me without me giving you a reason to." Chris nods with a thoughtful expression on her face

"I know, but I am not the sort of person that is open minded no matter what. I have my views, opinions and thoughts and it takes a lot to change them. I know I am stubborn. I don't think you can expect me to just accept your motives without knowing them. You have to talk to me and let me in at least a bit so I don't come to my own and maybe wrong conclusions." I can accept that, I think. It will be hard changing my way but I didn't come to Dauntless to stay the person I was. I wanted to become Dauntless and free. And maybe letting Chris in is another step I have to take. Maybe we will be alright, I think.

"So, everything alright again?" I ask, turning my upper body to her.

"For the moment. But there are still things we need to talk about." I nod with a smile and Christina hugs me. I stiffen a bit and she snorts.

"You have to get used to that, too, you know. I am not an all touchy person but I like to give my friends hugs from time to time." I smile into her hair and put my arms around her.

"Alright, Chris. I will try my best."

* * *

After our conversation Chris goes off in search for Will. Apparently they are a real thing now and I am happy for her. It was quite obvious from the beginning. Now that that coast is clear I decide to put some food into my growling stomach and head to the cafeteria. It is nearly empty; most people already on their way to their respectable jobs. I take some bacon and eggs along with orange juice with me and put everything on a table that stands in a corner of the hall.

I am glad that Chris didn't want to talk about what she saw the night before. I want to come to a conclusion for myself first before sharing it with her. I don't look forward to the conversation I have to have with Eric. There are just too many questions and not all of them are easy to ask. Most of them are things I can only reply to myself if I ever get myself to face them that is.

"Tris, how are you?" Jules sits suddenly down opposite to me and I flinch a bit. I smile at her apologetic and she nods.

"Good, I guess." My smile falls from my face and I grimace a bit. Not a really passable answer.

"You guess? What's on your mind?" She asks, sipping her tea.

"We kissed." I blurt out and her eyes go wide. Jules is silent for a moment to swallow carefully and process my words.

"When you say we you mean you and ...?" I feel irritation rise within me. I narrow my eyes slightly and fix them on hers.

"Eric. Who else should I talk about?" I huff and Jules smiles a bit teasingly.

"There are many men looking at you, not that you are aware of that, and I thought Eric hasn't made up his mind yet." She shrugs nonchalantly and I watch her incredulously. The first part of the sentence is barely registered in my mind. The second part, though, has me thinking for a second. Did he share his thoughts about me with Jules? Or was it just something she knows because she is close friends with him? It is a bit uncomfortable to think about it, so I decided to just ask bluntly because Jules and I don't seem to be able to beat around the bush very much this morning.

"You knew?" She huffs at me as if the answer was as simple as breathing and I roll my eyes.

"Of course... I am his best friend and it was quite obvious to everyone else who knows him at least a bit that he has a thing for you." I don't know what to say to that and just continue eating. I feel Jules' eyes on me but don't look up to meet her gaze. If she is his best friend then maybe it wasn't such a good idea to talk to her about the kiss. But on the other hand Jules backed up my faith in her when I told her about the incident with Al and she didn't tell Eric. So maybe my worries are completely in vain. I chew on my bottom lip, my eyes fixed on my now empty plate but not really seeing it.

"When did it happen?" Jules' voice is soft now. Maybe she feels that I am in a slight conflict between my trust in her and the worries in my mind. I take a sip of my orange juice before speaking again.

"Yesterday night he found me at the chasm... we argued a bit and he just kissed me." I frown slightly. I sound a bit detached from this whole situation even though I am right in the middle. Maybe that's my way to tell people about the things on my mind? To seem as bored and not caring as possible to not let them see that I just handed them a highly-functional weapon to break me?

"And then?" Jules presses onward and I don't really mind anymore now that most things are out in the open anyway.

"Christina, a girl from my group of initiates, found us." Jules seems slightly taken aback, at what I am not sure. She doesn't seem to care that Eric and I were discovered? Talking about sorted priorities again.

"So you just kissed and didn't talk afterwards?" I nod and Jules chuckles lightly.

"It's not really funny, you know." I grumble in response feeling my cheeks heat up a bit.

"Oh, I know but it just fits so perfectly to your whole interaction with each other... dancing around the obvious stuff, too stubborn or too afraid." She says it lightly and with humor laced to her words as if she has it all figured out. And maybe she percepts it this way. Maybe it is so simple for her to make the right assumptions, connections and decisions because she isn't really involved in any of this but an interested bystander or even a friend to at least Eric.

"Who's stubborn and who's afraid?" I ask in a small voice, looking up to meet her eyes again. She raises one of her eyebrows mocking my not so serious question. I sigh.

"Am I that predictable?" Jules thinks for a moment and I am a bit surprised that she really takes some time to consider it. I expected her to blurt out some teasing remark instead but I am happy that she doesn't.

"Hm... I guess not. For most people you aren't. But I don't look at you as the Abnegation transfer but the person you are." She shrugs nonchalantly, teacup in hands. I think about her explanation for a moment and nod thoughtfully. It's quite accurate I decide. Chris said the same not an hour ago. That she never would have expected an Abnegation to be this good or able to be successful in Dauntless and I start to see now that there is more to a person than just one opinion.

To Jules I am maybe as complex as she is to me. Maybe Eric doesn't see me as just the young, small girl from Abnegation but the fierce, dedicated fighter and brave person I can be? I think I understand now that our perception isn't about one thing of a person but a series of things we notice over time, changing the first impression and building a new person for ourselves in our minds.

"You have to talk to each other soon. It will get more uncomfortable by the minute and I think – if I get it right that is – that Eric will assume wrong." I sigh. It's a heavy sound, filled with the knowledge of the inevitable and the pressure it brings.

"I know but I am filled to the brim with confusion and fear. What does he expect? What do I? Am I ready for any commitment? Is he? Does he even want that?" I run a hand through my hair, my brows furrowed.

"Well, honey. I wouldn't know." Jules answers, shrugging her shoulders. I scoff slightly.

"But you are his best friend and know probably everything about him." I sound sour and I know I want to take the easy way out here. She laughs lightly knowing it as well.

"I am but that won't help you. You have to talk to him to find answers to those things." She hides her smile behind taking a sip of her cup and I glare at her for a moment. Then the heaviness settles in, the concern and the fear. I gulp a bit.

"I don't know if I am ready for it..." The words are soft and slightly mumbled. I let my head sink a bit, not caring about the strands of hair obscuring my vision. If I can't see them clearly they can't see me. They can't see my nervousness, my chewing of my lip in worry. It hurts a bit to say it out loud and accept it about myself. This weakness of mine that I try to carry as a shield in front of me.

"Is this about your trust in him, yourself or generally." My mouth curves into a self-ironic smile at her words.

"A mixture of all of this added with a good dose of insecurity and inexperience." My voice sounds detached again but the blow was already dealt by myself and Jules couldn't say anything or react anyway for me to feel even smaller.

"If anything you should try to be honest with yourself, tell him you need time to figure these things out. I am sure he understands that. He won't like it but he will understand." I believe her because judging from the things he said I am nearly a hundred percent sure that he knows me better than I thought. Maybe even better than I know myself. It boggles my mind that he doesn't even talk to me that much. He has to be aware of so many things...

"I just... I don't know if I am brave enough to even approach him let alone talk about something so close to me." My eyes meet Jules' and she softly places a hand on mine, laying on the surface of the table. I expected the touch to feel patronizingly but it is just soft and friendly.

"You are, Tris. You are one of the bravest persons I know." Why she has so much faith in me I don't know. Maybe she is just a perceptive kind of person, reading underneath the underneath. She has to be because I myself don't see myself as brave at the moment.

"Well, we should get going." I look at her questioningly and confused.

"To get out of here. I think it is long overdue." She says casually and throws on her jacket.

"Is that even allowed?" I ask, but pull on my long-sleeved shirt as well.

"Who cares? Call it a part of your training to get mentally and emotionally prepared to become a member." I nod once, fighting down the nervousness. She squeezes my hand lightly before she starts to pull me to the exit. I take a calming breath and follow Jules. I hope it will all work out.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	28. Chapter 27

_Thanks to my beta - Torry-Riddle._

_And a big thank you to everyone who reviewed, especially to the guests! You make my days with your words, awesome people!_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, except my ideas. Veronice Roth does._

* * *

Jules leads me to the tracks and we wait in silence for the train to arrive. The sun is high up in the sky and warms my bare neck and hands. When the train arrives we jump on it easily enough and lean against the car.

"Where do you take me?" I ask Jules. She just smiles.

"You'll see." I nod again and make myself more comfortable. It amazes me that I can trust her so easily. With everyone else it seems to be impossible, but Jules is different. Maybe her will to share something painful from her past and the way she treats me as an equal and something precious helps me with that. I think we connected on more than one level and it isn't as difficult to let her in. I wish I could be as comfortable with Eric. My shoulders slump forward. Sadness and anger wrap itself around my shoulders and no matter how hard I try the pressure won't go away.

I try to breathe the cold air that comes in to the open door, try to concentrate on the burning in my lungs. The slight pain isn't enough to shut down my emotions though.

Twenty minutes later Jules' hand touches my shoulder lightly and I look up. She goes to the door and I follow her. We jump off, running off the momentum. I keep my eyes on the disappearing train and ask myself where it stops. I turn my eyes in the direction we came from and try not to think about the things that lay there. I feel at home in Dauntless but I can't bring myself to wish to go back in the next few hours. It feels good to leave the compound, to not walk the mazelike tunnels for once but be out, surrounded by fresh air and no walls. It's not like I feel confined there. The air is sometimes just too oppressive, I think. Maybe it holds too much energy at the moment when all I want to do is stay put and find out what I want and can do.

I avert my eyes and look ahead. I find myself not too far outside of the amusement park Capture the Flag took place in. Jules waits patiently a few steps in front of me, hands in the pockets of her pants. We make our way through the abandoned shops and attractions. I lose myself in the washed out colors of the signs, the bleakness of the things around us. Some booths collapsed in themselves and the atmosphere is eerie but strongly peaceful. It's sad to imagine the life that spread through this part of the city, the joy and happiness it brought. It reminds me of myself – with happiness comes inevitable pain to some degree. It's a depressing thought but surprisingly calming as well.

And maybe it's not something I have to accept about my life but life in general. Happiness means you invest yourself or a part of you into something – it can be a person or anything else really – and put your feelings on the line or have to abandon something else that you hold dear. But you do it anyway because the happiness you feel afterwards was worth it all. And maybe you get hurt in the process, feel the pain of trusting too much or to be too attached too soon. Happiness is fleeting and maybe to feel it and treasure it, it has to be. Maybe it's the only way it works because if you are always happy and content, how can you tell that you are. So maybe pain and happiness need each other. The thought makes me smile because I don't feel so broken anymore.

I look around myself again and there is not a soul out here. The wide sky above us lets me feel like I am endless. My thoughts have room to spread out and I feel the tight knot in my chest loosening a bit. I wasn't aware that it pressed down on my lungs so much and take a deep breath. My cheeks are flushed red from the wind but my eyes glint, I think.

We approach a Ferris wheel, its steel beams white and brown from old paint and rust. The carts sway lightly in the wind, the old joints squeaking. Other than that we just hear the wind howling through the empty alleys of the park.

Jules closes in on the wheel and I see that she begins to climb it. I don't think too long and follow her again. I try to assure myself that the steps will hold my weight, jumping slightly on some before going further up. I take my time, looking back and around myself, staying where I am. The higher up I am the more the pressure in my shoulders lifts.

Jules awaits me on a platform that is installed not too far over the center of the wheel, legs dangling over it, a relaxed expression on her face. She scoots over a bit and makes room for me. Her eyes observe my movements and I smile slightly because I like the way she tries to keep me safe but in a not overbearing way. I stand for a moment longer, feet securely in the middle of the platform, and a hand on the steel bar just above my head. The wind is stronger but the view spectacular. I think I can see the fence in the distant but I am not sure. Though we aren't too far up everything seems so small from up here, even all my worries do.

A few minutes later I let my legs dangle over the platform as well, my hands holding me up as I lean back and relax. My eyes water a bit because of the cold wind but I don't care and just breathe. We stay silent, taking in the still wet bed of the sea that once was here and I try to imagine the glittering surface of so much water and fail. I think it would have been a sight to behold. It is freeing.

I am grateful that Jules came up with this idea and hope I can find the words to say as much. Of course I know that apart from her wish to take me out somewhere to forget everything back in the compound for a bit she wants me to talk about the things that really bother me. I try to decide what I am willing to share and what I don't want to. I weigh my options, argue back and forth but come up with nothing really. And then a small realisation sinks in: Maybe to come to a good decision I shouldn't listen to my head but to my heart. Though I am often not in tune with my emotions I think they will tell me soon enough when I am not ready to say something or feel uncomfortable about a topic. So I will just talk and see where it leads me. I don't think about a good way to approach my worries, don't think about a certain order I want to address them. Though I am a bit afraid I just start.

"I was so full of panic, of fear, Jules." I begin, my voice only loud enough that she can hear me over the wind. She looks at me, not expectantly but with attention in her eyes.

"I mean, I know I am falling in love with Eric. I know that I really like him. But that kiss and the things it evokes. It was just too much." I stop there and try to gauge how I feel about these words. I have to step carefully and think one step forward at a time is better than rushing through all of this.

"It's normal, don't you think?" She asks, her voice casually and not with the slightest hint of played understanding.

"Normal in hindsight to my inexperience, yes. But the fear that made me back away, push him away really... I just thought that I need to get away, to run away as far as possible." I squint my eyes shut.

"Were you afraid of him or of the things you felt?" I try to decipher the fear and it doesn't take me too long.

"I was afraid of the things he made me feel. That I am dependent on him, that he has something in his hands that can break me if he wants to. That he has power over me." Jules nods, her face pulled into a frown.

"So the kiss wasn't horrible?" I chuckle slightly, not at all ashamed and shake my head no. I am grateful that she tries to lighten the mood.

"It was perfect." I sigh and let my eyes linger on my knees.

"Perfect, huh?" She shoves me slightly and I roll my eyes. Then I frown and the mood changes again. The silence around us soothes the whirlwind in my mind.

"You know, you can trust Eric." Jules says and looks ahead again, her voice not holding any doubt about her statement.

"He seems aloof and distant the whole time and he is about most things. But he never laughed about the things I told him, never used it against me. Of course we fought, had our disagreements but not once did he use his knowledge about me to hurt me." I contemplate the things she just said and come to the conclusion that she is right. He isn't a person to hurt someone with their own weaknesses. Not on purpose or because he gets some kind of fun out of it. His words about me being weak were just a reaction to something and not said because of malice.

"I think I agree with that." I answer and feel it to be true as well.

"But it doesn't change the way the fear overcame me yesterday. I was paralyzed and in flight-mode at the same time." My brows are furrowed and I pull my legs up to fold them under me, making me smaller to prepare for whatever there is to come.

"Do you know the reason for that?" Jules asks and I don't know if I want to share it with her. My senses go inward and I find a piece of fear. But it is not overwhelming and I think I can trust Jules with this part of me.

"I think... I think this whole trust issue roots in my past. My father used to... abuse me physically. I think I lost the ability to let myself trust anyone when the one person I should have been able to trust without a doubt began to hurt me." The air leaves my lungs and I feel uncomfortable. Jules doesn't say that she is sorry and I am grateful for it. It wouldn't change the past, wouldn't stop the pain. I know that she isn't indifferent about it and that is enough.

"Eric isn't your father." She simply states after a moment and I am startled. I know he is not and I am even a hundred percent sure that he would never hurt me the way my father did. I ask myself why she would point out something so obvious.

"I know he is not, Jules." I reply, my face in a frown but my voice clear and sure.

"No, Tris. You don't understand. Eric isn't your father. Just like all the other men around you aren't the initiate that tried to rape you." My body goes rigid with that sentence and I feel stupid for realising what she means and not thinking about it beforehand.

Al tried to rape me but I was aware that he was the one who tried it and not every man around me. And Eric never tried to harm me even though he had enough opportunities to do so. He even took care of me, treated me with respect, care and gentleness. And as I thought just a second ago, I am a hundred percent sure he never would beat me, never would take his belt to hit me so long with it my back would be bloody and marred with scars afterwards.

Of course he can be an asshole, but he would never use bodily harm to get his way or only as a last resort. If I had to guess I think he is completely aware that his height and strength give him an upper-hand already without the added training he received as a Dauntless. He uses both aspects to intimidate people around him, true. But even in the fight with Tobias he used words instead of fists, though he had the opportunity and I don't think my brother would have minded all too much.

All of these things considered I think Eric prefers to use his mind and appearance. That alone is enough for me to stop the subconscious fear I have for him using violence to make me submissive. But there is still the trust left that I can't bring myself to feel.

"You are right." I whisper, my eyes still a bit wider, thoughts running miles in just a second. Jules lightly places a hand on my back and I feel the reassurance that she wants me to feel. I feel ashamed though. Naturally I have the right to worry about these things, about another man I want to trust but who uses my trust to harm me. But I don't think I ever had the right to associate this emotion with Eric. Not the way I do with my father.

"Don't, Tris." Jules says and uses her hand to turn my head in her direction. I know I chew my lip and my eyes are glinting with remorse.

"You had every right to feel that way. But now is the time to move forward, to stop your experience with your father to define your future relationship with men. And maybe even to start trusting people and letting them in." Her tone is light and I try to let her words sink in. Really sink in. I want to absorb them, let them calm my mind and heart and even maybe heal this piece of me. I chuckle lightly when I remember a conversation a few days ago.

"It's funny how my brother told me the same thing not too long ago." I say and Jules' face is soft with an understanding smile.

"Well, he is quite intelligent then." She quips and I laugh softly.

"Nah, I don't know sometimes..." I say, feeling lighthearted and letting my eyes take in the beauty around me again. Jules remains silent for a while and when she speaks again she is the one with seriousness lacing her voice.

"I am serious, Tris. Maybe you should accept that you need time and that maybe we are right, too. You should let people in. It doesn't mean that you have to tell them about your past or anything too close to your heart. It just means to share some of your views, share yourself and let them see that you care." I muse these words and though I start to understand them and feel their truth I can't bring myself to just do it. But I don't feel too bad about it. I give myself some time to get accustomed to the idea and won't pressure myself.

"Yes, I will try this. But I need time. I don't think I will be able to just fall into this role."

"Yeah, no one expects you to just be different overnight. As long as you understand what is right and important that is everything that really counts." I nod at her and stand up slowly. I haven't felt it until this moment but I am freezing to the bone, the sun though shining not able to keep away the coldness the wind delivers with every blow.

I take in everything around me again. The vast marshland that was a lake once, the ruins of the amusement park, the azure sky and I feel lightness inside of me. The exhaustion of the past days falls away like a veil around my body and I absorb the life all around me.

Jules and I climb down from the Ferris wheel, both of us with red cheeks and a bit rigid from sitting too long in one position. I look at my friend, her hair wild around her head, her eyes a bit red just like her cheeks and laugh a bit. She shoves me slightly and puts her hands back into her pockets. I look back up the wheel, contentment filling me.

"Now I just need to speak to Eric." I say and Jules nods.

"As I said before: be honest with yourself. Take your time if you need it and tell him as much. I know he can be an idiot and will probably be not really understanding at first but don't let it get to you too much." I frown a bit, her words meant in reassurance but doing everything but. I hope I can be strong and open minded. I am not sure though. I know he can push my buttons just the right way and I have a feeling that the worst is yet to come.

Our way back to the tracks is comfortably silent and we jump the train with ease. I am looking forward to be back in Dauntless. Of course I will have to go through my fears again, confront Eric and meet the people I am sometimes not sure about what to feel for them, but it doesn't matter now because I am ready to go home.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	29. Chapter 28

_Thanks to my beta - Torry-Riddle._

_A/N: Don't hate me please. And we are close to the end of the first part of the story. Only a few more chapters to go and initiation is over. From there on out, the chapters will be longer again, more detailed. IMPORTANT: How do you feel about including lemons in this story? They won't appear until much later and I thought of maybe posting them as an added bonus apart from the normal chapters. Leave me a message or review and tell me what you would prefer so I can adjust the chapters I've already written._

_Much love to all of you, if you review or not (though the reviews make my day)._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, except my ideas. Veronice Roth does._

* * *

When we arrive back at the compound it's half past four. I missed a whole day of training and hope I don't get cut for it. A punishment I can take but being Factionless because I just run away for half a day would be too much. I am slightly shocked that I just thought about it the moment my feet lead me through the Pit.

"Jules..." My voice shakes a bit and she looks back over her shoulder at me, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion at my open display of fear.

"What is it?" She asks, taking a few steps back to be closer.

"What if they throw me out for missing the fear serum session and just running off?" I chew my lip, my eyes wide, panic probably quite visible in them. She thinks for a moment and then speaks up again, her voice calm.

"Don't worry. I will make sure that no one bothers you about it. I may just be a member, but I have some influence." I nod and let the worry slide. If Jules says she can make this possible then I believe her.

"And now: Let's go and find that friend of mine so you can get it over with." I square my shoulders and nod again. Nervousness bubbles inside of me, chasing a bit of my new found acceptance of myself and the circumstances away.

* * *

Jules and I stay side by side but quiet. I already told her what is heavy on my mind, about my worries and there doesn't seem to be much else to say. We reach their apartment's corridor not too late after being back in Dauntless. Our steps are soft on the hardwood floor, reverberating in a gentle way. I look down and lose myself in the patterns of the wood, the marks on it that tell a story of year-long use and heavy boots.

We pass Tobias' door and I find my mind wandering back to the things I overheard when I ate supper with Eric, Jules and their friends. I haven't thought about it since I met him on the bridge over the chasm. The curiosity is still there and one of these days I have to visit him to maybe find things out and to make sure that I don't have to worry about him.

Jules halts in her step and we are in front of another dark-red door with the number 17 painted in gold on it. The paint is chipped off in some places, the knob glinting in a warm bronze from years of being turned by different hands.

"Everything will be alright eventually." Jules says next to me and I remember that she said that after the attack on me as well. I smile at her and nod once. I square my shoulders even though I am not about to fight but to talk about something that has the ability to break a part of me. Maybe that's the reason why I need to do it, to draw strength beforehand to alleviate the pain that at least in my mind is probably about to come.

"Thank you again, Jules. For everything." She smiles encouragingly and touches my shoulder for a moment. Then she vanishes back down the corridor maybe to finally go to her own work or whatever she does at this time of the day. I stall a bit more, waiting for her to disappear out of my line of view before I turn back to the barrier between Eric and me. I think for a moment that it would be so easy to just turn around and sit things out. To let it rest and hope for it to dwindle away on its own. I scoff at myself. The easy way wasn't my way for a long time. I raise my hand and knock before my fear can come up with another thing to stop me.

I don't have to wait too long before the door is opened first a bit and then wider when Eric sees me in front of it. I don't step from one foot to the other, let my body stay calm when my mind doesn't. He doesn't seem to be surprised to see me and maybe he knows that I with proper encouragement would come up to him myself. He always seems to know things about me that no one else does or before I know them myself even.

"Hey." I greet him lamely, my voice giving away the nervousness I feel. He nods, steps aside and lets me in. I look around myself as he takes a moment before he closes the door. His flat is still simple but has a different effect on me now because I now can see the things that I associate with Eric. Hard edges but contradicted with a comfortable looking couch with big pillows and a dark-green blanket over one back rest. Toned down colors, grey and an off-white for the walls. A simple bookshelves, a lonely plant in one of his windows.

"What do you want?" I shake my head slightly to concentrate on him and not his living arrangements. I take in his tone. He doesn't sound like he wants to talk and as if he is angry with me. I try to remember if I said anything yesterday that would make him feel this way about me after a bit of time. There were many things we both said to hurt each other that we both – at least that's what I think – didn't mean the way we uttered them or at all. I turn around to meet his eyes, my shoulders hurt for being tensed for so long.

"Well, I think we should talk." He nods again, a bit of the antipathy I felt vanishing, offering me a seat on his couch.

"Do you want something to drink?" I just shake my head and he gets himself a chair, probably from an office or his kitchen. Good, I think. The further he stays away the better I can think. When he sits I look anywhere but at him, though. The nervousness and unease is back again and I fumble with the sleeves of my shirt twisting and turning the fabric. I take a deep breath and look over his shoulder to not meet his eyes.

"So... I have been thinking and I just wanted to let you know that I need a little time to process everything that happened." He nods and stays silent. Eric's eyes are fixed on me and I am sure about it not because I meet his stare but because I feel it burning a trail along my face, to my clasped hands. The seconds tick by and all I can think is: Can he do something else already please? My lips purse for a moment because of his actions or lack thereof. When I stay silent he speaks up.

"You could have send a message or let Jules know so she could tell me the big news." I hear anger and impatience in his voice. His mocking words hurt me and I feel my temper raising. How is it possible that he always knows what to say to make me angry? Or is it just because of my feelings for him I react more emotionally to the things he says and does? Before I can answer he speaks again, his face turned into thoughtfulness that is acted to perfection.

"It would fit, you know. Always running away, not confronting the problems right in front of you, taking the easy way out." Nothing about this situation and my insecurity and fear is easy, I think to myself and frown. And I came to him even though I didn't want to. I made the first step and he possesses the audacity to call me a coward? Again? I feel my face heat up from anger and I start to bite the inside of my cheek.

"Well, it's not like you came to find me first thing in the morning to talk to me, is it?" My question is rhetorical and he knows it.

"It's quarter to five pm." He points out though and I hate his Erudite-know-it-all way in that moment. How dare he?

"Thanks for stating the obvious, captain." I shoot back. It's his time to react with temper, hands clenching in his crossed armed signature posture, jaw working hard, eyes glinting. I am not finished yet, addressing the other matter he talked about.

"And I think it is between the both of us. If I just let Jules know and tell you it wouldn't be fair to you." His scoff is the only verbal reaction to my words for a moment as we continue to stare at each other with angry eyes, no one of us ready to back down and find a peaceful way to talk about everything. It's like we both never learned how to handle a disagreement or conflict and are now crashing together like two trains, neither of us ready to give in and it seems too stubborn or proud, too. I am not even sure why we disagree or why we feel angry with each other all of the sudden. His soft kiss at the end of our confrontation didn't give away anything.

"Fair. I don't care about that." He smirks, lets the words sound ridiculous. His mocking tone lets me clench my teeth and I scowl at him head on.

"What's your problem?" I growl at him and his smirk broadens. I feel stupid for coming here and even more so because I think I finally understand his reaction to some degree. I think he doesn't care. If he would, he wouldn't react this way, would maybe find patience within him to accept my question to get a bit of time to catch up to everything that has happened in such a short amount of time. I grit my teeth for a moment, anger at myself, disappointment because I hoped for more filling me. If I had known beforehand that he is in all honesty feeling indifferent about me I wouldn't have bothered and just brushed the kiss off as a fleeting moment of stupidity and insanity on both parts. At the same time I know I am lying to myself if I think I could have done so. My heart tells me to get away because it can just go ugly from here on out, but I stay.

"I just think that maybe you were right and it was a mistake. I shouldn't have kissed you and said those things. I wouldn't if I had known it would cause this annoying conversation." He sounds as if it doesn't affect him at all and I feel the part of me break that I was afraid of before I knocked on his door. So all of this was a lie? He lied right through his teeth when he confessed all of these twisted but beautiful things to me. My anger flares and I don't hold it back. I want to hurt him as much as he hurts me at the moment.

"Good to know that your confession was an empty one. What made you say it? The heat of the moment? The eagerness to get in my pants? Are you hard now and would love to use me and throw away afterwards?" My boldness to use these accusations and words even doesn't surprise me so much. I feel like I made a fool out of myself telling him that I think I might be in love with him, worrying this whole time. I feel shame and rejection and just so much pain in my chest that it is difficult to take regular breaths. His jaw clenches hard and I think he has to stop himself from jumping out of his chair to tower over me letting me feel his rage. I don't feel satisfaction that I at least could trigger some sort of emotional reaction.

"Careful, Stiff. Don't insult me or you will regret it." His voice is still deep but filled with anger, eyes glinting like dark sharp steel. I am tired then and feel like laughing at my own stupidity. When I speak my voice is laced with exhaustion and self-irony. I don't care that he probably can see all the things he makes me feel, good and bad, painful mostly at the moment.

"Regret it? I don't think I could regret anything more than that first kiss of mine you gave me." With that I stand up and walk to his door, opening it but not going through.

"You know, I said I need time, not that I never wanted to explore this with you. I guess I was an idiot to think you would understand that and an even greater idiot to let myself believe that you could possibly reciprocate my stupid feelings." After this I leave. I don't look back and hear the door slam close when I am halfway down the corridor. That went well, I think and cringe. It's painful to hear the silence after our fight and I sigh, running a hand over my face. At least that topic is closed now. I smile bitterly at my own thought.

* * *

After the confrontation with Eric I look for the other initiates from my group and I am happy to find Christina and Will alone in the dorm. They look at me surprised and I smile shyly. I go up to them, feeling the strain from the talk with Eric deep in my bones but force myself to speak to Christina. We came to an agreement and I want to at least try.

"Hey you two. Will, could I kidnap Chris for a talk please?" I bite my lip for a moment, Christina looking at me with happy surprise and Will with a slight frown.

"Sure thing, Tris. See you both at supper, I guess." He stands up, kisses Chris' forehead and leaves the dorm. I look around and decide that I don't feel comfortable here. I take Christina's hand and lead her down some tunnels to a place I know just a few people if any pass by. We sit on the floor again, just like the first time Christina shared her concern about Eric with me. It's funny that everything around me comes in some way down to him.

"So, I wanted to tell you that I missed training because a friend of mine took me out of the compound for a few hours." She nods and I continue.

"I had so many things on my mind... concerning Eric and ... well my own feelings and behavior that she thought it would be a good idea to just get away from everything." I bite my lip and look at my hands.

"Do you feel better now?" Chris asks, slightly concerned and I smile a strained smile.

"Hm, maybe not better but lighter if that makes sense." I frown slightly.

"It does." Chris smiles and places a comforting hand on mine. I let her and don't feel the urge to pull away. We stay silent for a while and when Chris speaks up again her voice is laced with a mixture of worry and curiosity.

"Tris, you don't need to tell me anything, but how did this thing with Eric happen?" I bite my lip not sure if one day of revealing so much isn't enough already. My heart beats a little faster, my breath is a little quicker and I try to decipher if the reason lays in the mentioning of Eric or my wish to not tell her the things that motivate me. I don't feel panic when I think about letting Christina in about this whole mess. So I nod and just start to talk.

I tell her about my first impression and how it changed in a short amount of time. How confused I was and that it was hard to accept some things about my growing attraction and then affection for him. I speak about the day he kissed me without telling her that a reason for the escalation was Al's attempted rape. All in all I let her in about my feelings for him and small, maybe insignificant to others but significant moments for me. But I don't tell her everything. I think that that is ok. As Jules said: No one expects me to completely bare my soul to them and the amount of things I reveal are bearable for me. Chris doesn't ask questions, just lets me talk. At the end she looks at me thoughtful and I am slightly self-conscious how stupid I must sound to her. I know I think I do, probably even more so because I am nearly completely sure that Eric doesn't feel for me the way I do for him. She surprises me again when she speaks up for the first time in ten minutes.

"You know, looking at it from your perspective I am not even so surprised anymore. I think I can understand what you see in him." She smiles and I reciprocate.

"And", she takes a deep breath and squeezes my hand slightly, "I want to apologize again for even believing for a second that you earned your ranking in a dirty way. I know you worked hard and I am sorry that I wasn't honest enough to see it myself." I chuckle softly and nod.

"There is nothing to apologize for anymore." I say, stand up and pull her with me. We go back down to the cafeteria and see Will who is sitting alone at a table. We join him and the two of them start to talk about random things from their childhood and youth. I am just happy to sit with them, not urged to talk and can just listen.

I see Jules together with Leo and Marten and wave in greeting. They smile in my direction and take a table not too far from the entrance. Her eyes linger on mine a moment and I just silently shake my head. She frowns but doesn't approach me.

I try to ignore that Eric soon joins them as well, I try not to watch his back, watch him but I fail. I still feel the anger but the forefront emotion is hurt paired with disappointment. I wasn't even aware that behind the fear and panic I wished for a happy end for us in some way. I am not delusional though and know that everything from now on will be everything but. I don't even think that we will still interact with one another.

I feel a hand on my arm and look up to see Christina's concerned eyes. I just shake my head and concentrate on everything else but Eric. I won't be the girl that cries because of a man, the hurt I feel is already more than I want to give him at the moment. Maybe if I wouldn't have been so willing to let myself think that one day I could love like everyone else I wouldn't be so wounded now. But the thought is silly and I brush it away. As I realised earlier: Happiness and pain can't exist without one another. Maybe I have to encounter pain before I can find happiness with another person.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	30. Chapter 29

_Thanks to my beta - Torry-Riddle. And lots of hugs and love to everyone who reviewed. You guys are awesome. I will think about the lemon thing a bit more because I got a message I can't and won't ignore. After this one just four more chapters to go until we reach the end of initiation and I am looking forward to your reviews and opinions._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, except my ideas. Veronice Roth does._

* * *

I go back to my regular schedule after this catastrophe of a talk that should have been simple and maybe install some hope in me that everything will work out fine. I really wanted to believe Jules and for a moment I did. But it was all an afford in vain.

Between the meals, training in the training room and the fear serum I make time for small talks for Will and Christina who are simply adorable together, exchanging small smiles, loving glances and lingering touches. It is a bit uncomfortable and even sickening to watch them. I am happy for them. Really I am. But it just shows me what a fool I have been to think I could have something similar. I know I wasn't even sure if I wanted something like this, afraid even to let myself feel romantically towards Eric and even more afraid of him reciprocating these emotions. Now I know that I wanted all of this, small moments in time that feel like eternity shared with the person I feel deeply about.

I scoff at my silly thoughts. It's in the past I tell myself for the millionth time it seems. I can go on now. But I don't. I am still rooted in the time two days ago when I stood before his door and felt nervous about my wish to get some time to think. On the third day after our fight I emerge from the shower, feeling aware and not too tired anymore. I get my clothes together, braiding my hair again because it is so much more simple than leaving it open.

I make my way down to the training room to meet Amar and the rest of my group. Today stage three begins. Yesterday evening we got the results for the second stage and they didn't change a lot. A name has vanished from the list but other than that nothing much happened.

I turn around the corner and look up, meeting Jules' eyes. I don't want to talk to her at the moment. She isn't guilty of anything other than trying to encourage me but she is also Eric's best friend and probably knows everything. I just don't want to talk to her. So I just nod in her general direction and want to go on, but she catches one of my upper arms and holds me for a moment.

"I just wanted to say that I think that you both have been the biggest idiots I have ever had the displeasure to know." Her voice is laced with worry, annoyance and anger. I just nod again and she takes back her hand, letting me go. My legs carry me faster to the training room, eager to get my mind on the new task that awaits us.

When I enter I am slightly surprised to see Lauren next to Amar. I thought that her responsibility as a trainer for the initiates ended when the Dauntless-born joined us for the fear serum. When I join the others before the chalkboard, Peter nods in my direction in greeting and I answer him. It's still strange to be on some level of civility with him but not as strange as Uriah laying his arm around my shoulders.

I like him, he is a great friend, but after everything with Eric I don't want to be touched by anyone really – at least for a while. I don't know if that feeling comes from the fear of being rejected again or is just another sign for my reclusion from the rest of them, but I don't really care either. I have stopped to care where my behavior stems from. It is a part of me at this moment and I accept it. Maybe it will change, maybe it won't. It doesn't really matter.

So I take Uriah's hand in mine, squeeze it lightly and pull his arms away from me. He slightly smiles and I am grateful that he doesn't seem hurt.

"Initiates, the final stage begins today. After fighting to test your physical capability and the fear serum to test the emotional, we now enter the third stage to test your mental stability. For this stage Lauren will help me to provide the necessary material. This stage weights the heaviest on your final evaluation." Amar looks around, takes in our faces and nods, seemingly content with what he sees.

"Now, if there aren't any questions, follow us." He waits a few seconds before he turns around, Lauren at his side and leads us out of the training room and in the general direction of the Pit. I find myself wondering about these tests again but soon later stop my musings. I will have an idea soon enough and I know it will be difficult just like stage two was.

I am slightly surprised when we start to climb the stairs I did on my first evening in Dauntless. We reach the end soon after and go straight to the room with the graffiti in it. Now I will find out what this room is. I remember the pressure and dark foreboding feeling I got when I looked around the cold room and don't really look forward what Amar will tell us in just a few minutes. We stay outside of it and gather around our two instructors in a half-circle. I stand further back because I don't want to be too close to the room just yet. It gives me the creeps. Instead I look around, some other initiates just entering the glass floor.

Out of the corner of my eyes I see a figure that is all too familiar but I can't stop my eyes from focussing on him. He stands at the elevator, his posture dominant like always, his shoulders tense. I am just happy that he doesn't look in our direction because I am afraid he may see the pain that crosses my face for a moment.

I would have never thought that I could feel so much emotional pain ever again. After losing my mother and being abused by my father I thought that this sort of injury wouldn't bother me all too much but I was so wrong. It keeps me up long after I entered my cot that is now a comfortable heaven. It is everything on my mind when I punch and kick my way through my exercises. Sometimes I find my hand pressed between my breasts trying to stifle the pain I feel there.

Amar's voice stops me from finding all the other moments the hurt is with me and I am glad because I know without really acknowledging it that I am in pain all the time. I feel disappointed.

"The door behind us leads you into a room where you will face your fear landscapes. A fear landscapes is the simulation that will let you experience all your fears one after the other. It is your final exam in four days. As you already know most people have ten to fifteen fears. Your only way to stop one fear is to overcome it or calm yourself down just like you practiced in the second stage. The difference is that you won't be awake afterwards but face the next fear until there aren't any left." I shudder. How many fears do I have? I think there are too many to count even though I just encountered the same fears again and again under the fear serum.

"What was the lowest number of fears someone had?" Will asks and I smile slightly at his still forefront curiosity.

"Four fears." Lauren answers and I am slightly taken aback. My eyes meet Amar's and he nods once. So Tobias has just four fears? Envy and pride fill me and I smile. Leave it to him to be this successful with his circumstances and background. But then another idea fills me and I hold myself back a bit. He has just four fears but how should I know if they aren't as emotionally taxing as ten or even fifteen fears. It could be even worse for him because they hold so much meaning. I know he is strong, but he is also gentle and selfless. What kind of fears does he have? Lauren speaks up then, providing us with more information and stops my distracting thoughts.

"To train you will go through my landscape. You won't know how many fears you have until the day of your test. The Leaders of Dauntless will watch you go through your landscape. Your time and their evaluation will make up your results. The day after the test you will get your final results." Some of us groan and I find myself agreeing with them. I am both fascinated and repulsed to know how many fears I have. Amar nods to Lauren and she speaks again.

"A few years ago I was afraid of being embarrassed in front of a large crowd, being expulsed from Dauntless, bleeding to death, being kidnapped or funnily enough of spiders. Every one of you will get one of my fears to get accustomed to the system and the feeling of it. Instead of just lying on a metal chair you will experience real movements and other things that are different from stage two. At the end though it comes down to the things Amar already told you: Overcome your fear as quick as possible. If it is by confronting it or calming yourself down doesn't matter." She nods to emphasize her point. We all get one fear, mine being kidnapped.

I wasn't even aware how random fears can be. Some are plain things that we have a great distaste about, some are only visible in a situation we are confronted with and some are subconscious and we are never quite aware of them. They originate from experience, perceptions and our parents – if they don't like for example apples, you won't like them probably.

I watch as Christina fights against spiders, Peter gets embarrassed and Uriah bleeds slowly to death. It's funny and strange to watch them act out their fears without really seeing them myself. Amar has his eyes closed, transmitters at his temples and watches the simulations through the eyes of an unaffected visitor.

When it is my turn I feel slightly nervous. I am not afraid to be kidnapped and a bit curious how it will feel for me when it isn't one of my fears. Lauren nods at me once to encourage me and it feels more like a ritual to her than a gesture for me because I haven't interacted with her after my jump from the roof. She injects me with an orange-golden serum this time and leaves the room afterwards.

When I open my eyes I find myself on the street leading to my old school. Being from Abnegation I had to pass through the Factionless sector. It never really bothered me that much, but the air around me holds a certain dangerous quality to it, tastes bitter and cold and the hair at the back of my neck stands up. I feel my hands get wet, my breathing slowly increasing and start to walk faster. My boots make an echoing sound in the empty street, the noise even more increasing through my hyper aware senses, wild beating heart and flickering eyes.

Out of the corner of my eyes I see dancing shadows and soon after the sound of my boots is joined by other shoes on the broken concrete beneath them. I start to run, having the feeling of someone breathing down my neck. My legs carry me around a corner, only to meet a dead end. Of course, I groan inwardly and turn around.

I won't run anymore and ask myself why I ran in the first place. I am freaking Dauntless. I square my shoulders and wait for my pursuer to show himself. My breathing is nearly regular again, my face set in a stern set, eyes blazing. No matter who comes around this corner, I won't go down without a fight. I see a shadow on the sidewalk, turning into more than just one after a few steps. I take a deep breath and I am suddenly back in the graffiti room.

"What the heck..." I mumble and sigh. Maybe I was calm enough to end the simulation. Lauren comes through the door and I approach her. She nods at me again, respect and surprise shining in her eyes. Amar smiles at me.

As I exit the room I am slightly blinded by the harsh light and narrow my eyes to let them get accustomed more slowly. I walk over to Christina and Will. On my way I see Lynn getting ready to go through the fear landscape and smile at her encouragingly.

"You looked like it was a walk in the park for you." Chris says, her voice miffed. I smile slightly and don't take her attitude personally. I saw how hard it was for her to fight off the spiders, heard her screams of terror even. She stands up when I reach her, leaning against the railing that views the Pit beneath us. I lean my forearms on it and look down.

"Well... I guess I am just not afraid of being kidnapped or taken or whatever." I shrug. There are far worse things in my mind to be afraid of but I don't need to mention it now. I enjoy the light conversation and Christina's behavior too much to weight it down with my experiences.

"Hmpf." I smile at her perturbed face und her mouth turns into one as well. She shoves me slightly and I laugh softly.

"I wouldn't be surprised if you make first place." I shrug again. I don't care about the ranking as long as I can be Dauntless and stay here at the place I call a real home. Even after the disaster with Eric, the attacks and injuries, the fears and worries I would never want to be anywhere else. The edges and hardships make this life so much livelier and I don't think I could ever go back to something calmer. I need the adrenalin, the drama to feel alive myself.

I feel someone approach us and see Will taking sure steps to join us at the railing. Chris' face lights up and I smile tightly but convincing. I don't want to let them see that their all-in-love-behavior is slightly taxing for my still trying to cope mind. It doesn't help that I see Eric at least two times a day. Maybe it's my own fault because I am still looking for him everywhere I go. I would like to call it a habit but because I want to be honest with myself I know that I am just missing the short and random encounters we had since I started my initiation in Dauntless. They were twisted and loaded with all kind of emotions but were better than the silence that now lays between us. I want to blame the stupid kiss but I can't. It would have happened anyway sometime, of that I am sure. I just wish I would have been in tune with my wishes and emotions enough to get across the things I want.

"Will, did you know that Miss Fearless over here doesn't care that she probably will be first place?" Chris asks her boyfriend, letting her voice sound incredulous. Will, still Erudite to some degree, furrows his eyebrows at me. His arms are around Christina's waist and I look back over the railing, my eyes fixed on the people down in the Pit.

"How can you not care about it, Tris?" Will asks and his curiosity or incomprehension not acted.

"Why should I? I am happy if I can stay and am not interested in the jobs. Guarding the fence, working for the Leaders or patrolling the Factionless sector. It all has its ups and downs and I look forward to it no matter what." I answer casually and really feel about it that way.

"But think about the things you can do when you are an assistant for the leaders... or becoming one when it is their time to retire..." I can understand Will's eagerness and maybe I should start to think about it. Maybe my disinterest isn't too good after all and I should talk to Tobias, hear what he has to say. I shake my head slightly and turn around to the stairs.

"Let's get something to eat." I simply say and hope the discussion is over for the moment.

* * *

After my second day of fear landscapes I decide to visit Tobias on my own. Until now it was always him that initiated the contact and I want to change that. He shouldn't feel left behind. That's why I make my way to his apartment floor. I am a bit anxious to meet Eric but think that at this time of the day he wouldn't be near his apartment. At least I hope so.

My steps are sure and I enjoy the sound my boots make on the hardwood floor. I reach Tobias' door and knock a few times. I hear shuffling and a few seconds later the door opens. He looks dishevelled and I smile at his mussed hair and slightly askew shirt. I pass him without waiting for him to let me in and sit down on the couch. The curtains are closed but let enough light into his flat to not be too dark to see. The air is a bit stale but I don't care too much.

"Um, yeah. Feel just at home." He mutters and closes his door. I frown slightly at his disappearing back but shrug it off soon enough. He exits presumably his bedroom now wearing black sweatpants and takes a glass from his counter that he fills with cold water from the faucet of his sink. I just watch him and wait for him to speak again. He takes big gulps of his water and leans against the counter, finally looking at me.

"Is there a reason for your visit?" He asks, his voice a mixture of tiredness and annoyance. I frown again, crossing my arms in defiance.

"Well, sorry I wanted to see my brother and still not knowing his schedule thought about simply surprising him." Tobias sighs and I get slightly frustrated at his reaction. I hoped he would be happy but it seems I was wrong to assume that.

"I can just leave, if you want me. Just say so." My voice is clipped and I can feel that underneath the frustration a new pain is added to the old one for Eric. I know I overreact probably, but I feel thin-skinned as it is with initiation coming to an end.

"No... Tris, I am sorry. I am just not used to people just barging in on me. I have a long night ahead of me and wanted to get a bit more sleep." He joins me on the couch and I let him pull me into his arms but still feel a bit put out about his behavior. When we were young and still in Abnegation he never complaint about late visits to his room when I was sure father was asleep. Of course we are older now and I don't need him to hold my shaking body after a nightmare anymore. But still, there is something off with him and I am sure it has something to do with me.

"What are you up to tonight?" I ask him and try to relax myself into his embrace. I don't want to cause a scene again, my mind already strained enough with the few fights I had in the past week. I feel him stiffen.

"I can't really talk about it with you. You aren't a full member yet and it's between me and my supervisor." I nod, but bite my lip in thought. It's strange that he has to keep his mouth shut in front of me even though I understand his situation and that he can't talk about certain things.

"Just be careful, ok?" I whisper. He nods against my shoulder. I lean back against the couch and watch him for a moment.

"So, I wanted to talk to you about something I would like your insight on." I begin and he nods for me to continue.

"The other initiates and I were talking yesterday about some jobs we could take after initiation. They are sure I will make first place and have a wide range to choose from. So I thought that maybe you could help me decide what would be a good position for me. Will – a friend of mine – suggested to go into work with the Leaders and I think that won't be..." I stop myself and look puzzled at Tobias who is visibly tensing. He stays silent for a minute and when he speaks it feels as if a bucket of cold water is emptied above my head.

"Don't you think that you aren't really up to it? I mean... you are strong and intelligent, but the emotional stress and the around the clock availability are really hard to get accustomed to." I scowl at him and he raises an eyebrow, taking my hand but I take mine back.

"Is this about me not being up to standard or a real concern of you because you don't make a good job of showing it at the moment." My voice is clipped again, my eyes narrowed and I am surprised that I really feel anger for his words.

"Tris, this is about my concern for you. Stop being silly." He sounds annoyed and I think the situation slowly escapes my hands. I shouldn't have come here out of the blue anyway. Maybe if I had waited for him to approach me we never would slowly slide into a fight. I take a deep breath and try to calm myself down. I don't want to fight with Tobias – not with him of all people. He is my everything.

"I am not silly but you are strange ever since I came here. Is something the matter? Did I do something wrong?" My voice is calm and concerned and I hope that just like that the strange tension between us dwindles away.

"No, everything's alright. I am just tired and a bit more exhausted than I normally am." He doesn't convince me and I start to worry. I bite my lip and look him straight in the eyes to see if I can find the reason for his attitude. His eyes are darker than normal, a bit narrowed in a possibly angry way.

"I don't believe you." I say and wait for him to react with a confession or explanation or really anything that is at least slightly connectable with my brother that always made sure that I am alright and never kept secrets from me.

"Well, then don't. I don't need to explain myself to my little sister." I am shocked at his words and tone, the harshness like a slap in the face and so similar to that of our father's. I stand up in a hurry and watch him for a moment. His eyes are wider as well. Maybe he realises as well how hurtful his reaction was, maybe even feels guilty and ashamed to lash out on me when I am just concerned for him.

"Tris... I am sorry." He says, his voice slightly broken. I shake my head, having enough of this for now.

"Talk to me when you have your shit together. I don't need to listen to poor excuses and hurtful words when I am the one worrying about you." I throw his own words back at him and I hope he gets what I mean. I leave his flat and feel like a gun shot me through my chest. I shut his door behind me, leaning against it for a moment, grabbing my shirt in front of my chest to feel if there isn't a real wound. But the fabric is still dry and without a fault. I take deep breaths and look up.

I shake my head at my luck and just curse my life. In front of me stands Eric, eyes slightly wider than normal, taking in my state.

"What happened?" He asks, his voice laced with some concern but otherwise just as I remember it. Deep and calm. I try not to react to him but my already wild emotions don't let me take control of the situation and come up with words that aren't laced with exhaustion and slight pain.

"I don't want to talk about it. Not with you anyway." I say, my voice stronger than I thought possible. His eyes narrow slightly and I sigh. Before he can add to my already miserable state I speak up again.

"Please, Eric. I just can't. It's hard enough to pretend when you aren't looking too closely." He takes a step forward, his voice quieter now.

"What are you talking about?" I don't find mocking pleasure in his voice so maybe he is really clueless about how I feel or what I am talking about. I thought I made it clear when I left his apartment.

"You do remember what I said when I left? So I have to stay away from you. I hurt enough as it is." I turn around then and go away again. I don't want to see his pitiful eyes because I am just a young girl with a stupid crush for an older man who doesn't reciprocate these feelings.

* * *

A day later I am still angry and sad about my encounter with Four. The feelings weigh me down, my shoulders hurt more than ever and I feel just tired most of the time. Because I face fears that aren't my own I don't have many problems with them and I am happy about the break I get because of it. It really is a walk in the park.

I would love to speak to Jules or Christina about the things that happened with my brother but none of them knows he is and it would be too complicated to describe all of it to them. They probably think I am overreacting because it was just a small missunderstanding. But I know better. Tobias and I never fought, not even argued. We always treated one another with care, soft words, slight teasing, honesty... not with annoyance and harsh words. It hurts.

But I try to forget about it as best as I can. When I am not going through my fear landscape I am in the training room, losing myself in the exercises. I don't overdo it anymore though. I think I am on a good enough level now and just try to keep that level. I think it would be better if I had a partner to spare with sometimes. Surprisingly the occasion arose after supper on the day after my fight with Tobias.

* * *

"Hey Stiff." I am greeted when I enter the training room and pull off my pullover.

"Peter." I nod in his direction and put away my clothes and water bottle to a side near the punching bags. I am still a bit uncomfortable with him around though his nickname for me doesn't sound as insulting anymore and I am still grateful for the black eye he gave Al on my behalf. I don't know why he did that but I can appreciate the gesture. And I remember the slight show of respect in his eyes before he won the fight against me. I take a deep breath and start to concentrate.

I go through the punches, the rhythm is relaxing and I smile slightly at the comfort I feel kicking and hitting the bag. I don't see an aggression in my behavior like Christina put it a few days ago. She said something along the lines that I maybe always seem so calm because the punching bag receives all my violent rage and anger. I know she wanted to make a joke and I even chuckled slightly. It is surprising though that she percepts me as calm. I feel anything but and maybe I am a better actress than I thought.

"Could you help me here for a moment?" Peter's voice lets me stumble slightly and I need a second to get my footing again. I walk over to him and discover with a raised eyebrow that he has tape in his hands.

"What is it?" I ask casually and stay a few feet away.

"Could you tape my hands?" He holds out the bandage and I take it from him. His eyes linger on my red knuckles and he chuckles lightly, the sound not menacing or mocking.

"I am not sure how to do it, though." I say and step up to him. He is one and a half head taller than me. Maybe nearly as tall as Tobias. He holds out his right hand and starts to explain.

"Just make sure you don't tape them too tight. I like blood flowing through my veins." I nod with a small smile and begin with the task.

"Does it help?" I ask randomly, halfway done with the job at his hand.

"Does what help?" He asks back and I roll my eyes at his question.

"The tape. I don't mind the bruises too much but they are really painful sometimes." I see him nod out of the corner of my eyes.

"You know, you can test it and spare with me." I raise an eyebrow and tear the tape roll away from the bandage at his hand. He makes a fist a few times, turns his hand a bit and nods in thanks. I give him back the role and want to step away but he speaks up again.

"I mean what I say, Stiff. If you want, we can spare a bit. Even put some rules down if you are afraid." He smirks and I scoff at him.

"As if, Candor." I reply and take the roll back from him, taping my left hand. He watches me amusedly but surprisingly his gaze doesn't bother me. He has seen me half-naked, knows about the attempted rape and the scars on my back. He even is aware of who inflicted them on me. So maybe Peter Hayes isn't an enemy anymore. He isn't a friend as well but that doesn't bother me. After the insults and mean insinuations about Eric and me I think we have a good ground now.

When I want to start on my left hand, he grabs the roll and starts at it himself. I let him, his touch though a bit uncomfortable but on a bearable level. If he notices my slight flinch he doesn't show it and soon later we are both prepared for our sparing session.

"So Stiff, about the rules..." I interrupt him with a snort and smirk at him.

"Afraid, Peter?" I emphasize his name, tired of his nickname.

"No, Tris, but I want my handsome face intact and the scratches you inflicted the last time we fought weren't really nice as well." He smirks as well and I nod, chuckling slightly. It's strange to be so relaxed around him.

"Ok, so no punches to the face and I keep my nails to myself. Anything else?" I ask and go to the ring, pulling my boots off.

"No, I don't think so."

"So, who wins?" I ask when we stand opposite each other.

"The one that is still on his feet. Maybe we can fight a few rounds if you aren't too weak." I laugh shortly at his taunt and he smiles a real smile for the first time. We nod at each other and start to circle. An exhilarating feeling rushes through my veins and I can't stop from smiling.

I still smile when he comes at me, trying to get my shoulder but I just sidestep him and bring my knee up to the side of his thigh, cushioning my blow though. He hisses softly but smirks, jumping back a few feet. I go after him, going for his lower stomach but he blocks my fist, his other elbow connecting painfully with my collarbone. It is my turn to back away a bit and I have to suppress the bubbles of laughter that want to surface. I look to Peter and his eyes glint in the same amusement and lightheartedness I feel. I never thought that it would be possible to find a common ground between us but I like this one enormously.

Our fighting continues until much later, both of us losing some and winning some rounds. We are both sweaty and hot when we call it a night. I go over to my bottle of water and gulp down as much as possible while he takes off the tape from his knuckles.

"That was a great idea, Candor." I say when we meet at the door shoving him slightly. He hisses softly because I caught one of his bruises on the upper arm. I chuckle slightly and he scowls at me.

"What is it, Peter? Did I hurt you?" He wants to grab me but I just sidestep his hand and run out the door, laughing a laugh I haven't in days, even months. To be honest I can't remember a time when I laughed like this before. I don't feel the pain at the moment and getting a good workout felt wonderful.

"Just you wait till I get to you, Stiff!" He yells, grabbing me from behind and putting me in a headlock.

"What's going on here?" I stop to struggle and the smirk on Peter's face vanishes. He lets go of me and his posture changes from relaxed exhaustion to on guard in a second. I know I do the same.

"Nothing. We were just on our way to the dorm." I say as casual as I can. Amar looks us up and down and nods.

"You better be. Lights out was one hour ago." We nod at the same time and wait till Amar is further down the tunnel before we look at each other. I bite my bottom lip and Peter's face spots a smirk again. Before he can react I run off again. He gets me shortly before we are at the dorms. It feels good to act like a 16 year old for one evening and I am happy to share it with someone like Peter. He won't interpret too much into my attitude and will just brush it off.

I hold him back a moment as he wants to open the door to the dorm.

"I want to say thank you." I say, looking him straight in the eyes and he furrows his brows for a moment. I don't know what he thinks and I hope he will play nice and just accept my gratitude. I don't want him to destroy a good evening full of dealt blows and taking punches with a snide comment about a too emotional Stiff.

"Yeah, we should do that again." He says. I let him go and enter the dorm after him.

* * *

Thanks for reading - review please.


	31. Chapter 30

_Thanks to my beta - Torry-Riddle._

_A/N: Thank you again for the great reviews, for the follows/favorits. Just two more chapters to go and the first part of this fiction will be over. I am really excited to hear what you think. There is a comment at the end of this chapter for anyone who wondered about this or that. Have a great week and read you soon. _

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, except my ideas. Veronice Roth does._

* * *

I meet up with Uriah, Marlene and Lynn the next morning. I am sore but smile a carefree smile because it just feels so good to have a workout after a stressful day forgetting about Eric and Four for at least a while.

"What's up with you?" Lynn asks as I sit down beside her, putting my plate with eggs and a cheese sandwich down on the table.

"Nothing. Just had a good night." I answer her casually. The look she throws me slightly startles me and Uriah and Marlene joining in with chuckles confuse me even more.

"What is it?" I ask, taking my fork and begin to eat.

"Never mind. Are you up for the test tomorrow?" I let my fork sink halfway up to my mouth and gulp. I totally forgot about that. A nervousness settles in my stomach and I am not sure if I can continue to eat.

"Don't look so nervous, Trissy." A voice across from me says and I see Zeke and Tobias sit down. I frown slightly and don't look up from my plate again. Uneasiness joins the nervousness in my stomach.

"Zeke is right, you know. You will do just fine." Lynn says and elbows me slightly. I nod and stay silent for the rest of the meal. I feel uncomfortable with Tobias at the same table. We haven't talked since he acted so strange and I don't know how to fix this between us. I am not good with apologies and honestly I think he should make the first step.

I watch him from behind my blond hair. He throws glances in my direction but doesn't seem to be all too bothered with the silence between us. That hurts more than his words did. Maybe my fear wasn't too unfounded. Before I met him again on the day we went to Abnegation I worried about us being strangers to one another. This worry disappeared after our first talks because we still acted as if he just left our home a day ago and not four years had already passed. Now I watch him, the fight displaying in front of my eyes and I think I was slightly right to worry about it. I don't know what we can do to close the gap in our relationship.

"Will you be at the party after our test?" Marlene asks and Lynn has to elbow me again to get my attention. I think for a moment and nod then.

"I guess I will be. But I don't promise anything. It all depends on the test." I say casually, shrugging and start to get up. I don't look into the direction of my brother and wave to the rest of my friends. I feel his eyes on my back when I make my way to the exit and frown slightly. If he has to say something he should just do it and not let me go away.

* * *

I sit down, my back against the wall of the fear landscape room and pull my knees up to my chest. I wait for the others to arrive to our last session before the test tomorrow. The importance of tomorrow slowly settles into my mind. Until now I haven't realised that my time as an initiate will be over in just a few hours. If everything goes as I wish it does I will be a full-fledged dauntless member the day after tomorrow. I will chose a job, get my own flat and leave everything that once was the Abnegation girl behind for good. I am eager to take this step but afraid as well.

When I started Dauntless I promised myself to become the person I want to be and I think I didn't succeed all too well. I am still a recluse to some point, can't trust – at least not easily – and my memories still bother me. I am not sure what I expected to happen. Maybe I expected a moment in the last few weeks when everything just falls off and I can breathe easy without the fear of being exposed. But I didn't experience it until now and I think I never will; not in the way I imagined it anyways.

Maybe I am too hard on myself and should seriously think about my expectations. Maybe they are too high and because of that it can only lead to a feeling of failure. To have goals per say isn't stupid, I think. You just have to be careful to set them up where you can reach them. Maybe I didn't take my own advice and hoped for too much? That would explain the feeling of defeat that spreads in my body since my confrontation with Eric and even got stronger after my fight with Tobias. I scoff at myself and feel angry for my behavior and the things I feel.

I think for a moment, really seeing myself and discover that I am pathetic. I never backed down. Not through first stage, not after the insults and suspicion thrown my way and not after Al's attempted rape. I always stood up for myself, trained and fought hard to come so far. Of course the problems with the two most important men in my life are heavy on my shoulders but I shouldn't let the sadness control me. I am tired of feeling the pain they both inflicted. I bathed in self-pity long enough now and it is time to start caring for myself again. To stand up again. I took a first step yesterday when I took Peter up on his sudden offer. I haven't felt so good since I went zip-lining with the others. I like this new resolve and try to grasp it with both of my hands. I am brought out of my musings by two persons exiting the elevator. Jules and Eric. I cringe and look into another direction.

I need to concentrate on myself and not on him, I tell myself and grit my teeth. He is a good example for the things I couldn't achieve and maybe he is a good example for too high goals as well. I may have found my first crush, kissed for the first time but everything else around the two of us, everything else about our relationship is as complicated as my life back in Abnegation. The only thing that is different is the way I hold myself. I don't have to pretend to be something I am not. I don't have to look around and see if there is anyone I can help to stay in my role. I can concentrate on myself and have done so many times in the past weeks.

But I didn't succeed in overcoming my fear of closeness all too well. Of course he could touch me and take care of me but emotionally his closeness frightened me, even made me panic. I don't think he is a success but I also don't think that I am a failure for messing things up with him. Maybe I have to accept that all of this is a process and one day I will be able to tell him how I really feel and what I really want. And maybe then it won't matter that he doesn't reciprocate the feelings. It's slightly funny that I was first afraid that he would and now wish he does. But it seems that's just the way things are with him: from feeling repulsed to having a crush, from being afraid of his emotions to wishing them to be different.

I shake my head slightly, finding a bit amusement in my line of thought. I let the thoughts of Eric slide. I will keep to myself, concentrate on myself and everything else has just to wait.

* * *

A shadow falls over me and I look up. Jules stands there, hands on her hips and a frown on her face. She shakes her head slightly and I feel angry for a moment. I still don't want to talk to her, not because I am angry with her but because she is Eric's best friend and I am afraid that her opinion is solely placed on the things he told her. I don't need her reprimand to know that everything we talked about on the Ferris wheel hasn't gone the way we planned it to. I don't need to hear that I should have openly told Eric what I feel and not keep half of it inside myself. And even though I don't want to talk to her she sits down next to me, our shoulders brushing against each other.

"Where is Eric?" I ask her in a neutral voice, putting my forehead down on my knees. Her hand is on my back now, drawing soothing circles there.

"He is down in the cafeteria to eat breakfast." I nod and breathe a sigh of relief. Aside from my newfound resolve I don't want to meet him at the moment. Initiation is nearly over and I can think about him afterwards.

"I really don't know why I am still friends with him or you for that matter." I look up to her, surprise obvious on my face. She snorts and takes her hand back.

"Don't look at me like that. Did you expect me to think it was your fault alone that everything went from slightly unsure to a full out catastrophe?" She chuckles slightly but I don't hear humor in her voice. I feel bad for assuming this even though Jules showed nothing but concern for me on more than one occasion.

"Tris, we are friends, aren't we?" She asks after a moment.

"I would like to think we are." I answer her honestly and bite my lip slightly.

"Me too. And as your friend I will tell you this: Get your shit together and talk to him." Her voice is serious but she smiles. I shake my head and sigh.

"It isn't that easy anymore, Jules. I know now what I want, that's for sure. But he hurt me with his words and he made it clear that he doesn't feel the same. And I just made up my mind about a few things." I can't hide the pain or anger I feel and I don't think I need to anyway. Jules just looks at me with a certain knowledge in her eyes that tells me it isn't necessary to explain how hard this situation is for me.

"Ok. First things first so we can come to the things you made your mind up about." She says in a business sort of way and I chuckle a bit and nod.

"Did he used the words? Did he spell it out to you that he doesn't feel the same?" She asks. I think for a moment, the confrontation still clear in my mind.

"Well, he didn't use the same words I just did, but it was clear when you read between the lines." I say and frown a bit.

"Hm... maybe you should stop reading between lines and just demand an answer from him that is clear even to an outsider of your crazy ways of communicating and thinking." She says lightly and shoves me a bit. I try to smile but it fails. I chew my bottom lip and try to understand what she wants to tell me.

"That said, and take your time to get what I mean later, what is this new resolve you came up with?"

"I will not continue to bathe in my self-pity over this whole mess that is my relationship to some people. Eric hurt me with the things he said and aside from the pain I feel I am also angry. But all of that doesn't matter at the moment because seriously: my final test will be tomorrow. The test that decides if I can stay here, the place I call home. And that is by far more important than a maybe or maybe not relationship to a man that is probably even under normal circumstances hard to understand." I stop my speech there and wait for Jules' reaction. The words feel right, I feel right and the weight on my shoulders lifts. I smile self-assured and don't feel bad about my choice about priorities.

"Sounds like a good plan to me. And by good I mean brilliant." Jules says, her eyes glinting.

"I think it is the right thing to do. My feelings haven't changed, I don't think they will soon anyway, but I can't concentrate on Eric now. I have to concentrate on myself and my future."

"If that stops you from being sad all the time I am all up for it." Jules says and stands up. I smile at her then and don't need too much afford to do so.

"So, I don't think we will see each other until tomorrow after your test. Just know that I will be here to cheer you on. I know that you will rock this thing anyway." She winks at me and my smile broadens.

"Thanks, Jules. I will see you after the test." She waves and then starts her way down to probably eat breakfast herself.

* * *

Not too long after Jules left the other initiates arrive one after another. I stand up, square my shoulders and wait for Chris and Will to step up to me. I smile at them.

"Where were you yesterday?" Chris asks smiling and I am happy that I don't find any suspicion in her eyes anymore.

"In the training room. I found a poor fellow to play my punching bag." I smile and Will chuckles lightly.

"Watch it, Stiff or the punching bag gets his revenge." Peter hisses from the right to us and I suppress the laughter that bubble in my throat. I meet his eyes for a moment and see a glint of amusement in his. I nod to him and he returns the gesture before turning away from us, arms crossed and displaying his usual mixture of boredom and superiority.

"You fought Peter again? And no one is in the infirmary?" Chris' eyes are widening comically and I just shrug. If someone would have told me two weeks ago that I would share light insults and a good sparing match with the former Candor I would have scowled right into his or her face and would have gone off. But now it just feels like the right thing to do. It's strange, but a comfortable strange.

"Yeah and it was fantastic." I whisper back, my eyes glinting and my cheeks flushing happily.

"How so?" Will asks, his arm around a still a bit speechless Christina, his brows lightly furrowed. I guess he is more interested in human interaction than in the fact that I fought a supposed enemy of our group in a friendly match.

"Ah, you know, letting go of this and that, getting some exercise." Chris just scoffs and then smiles as well.

"As long as you feel better now." I nod at her in reassurance and she lets the subject drop. Amar steps up then and everyone goes silent. The light talk is forgotten now and the seriousness of this last session settles into us. The air fills with tension and even the reassuring short smile from Amar does nothing to sooth our nerves.

"Today is the last day before your test. Tomorrow at 10 o'clock you will be called to experience your fear landscape, to overcome your worst enemy – yourself. We as your instructors did anything in our power to prepare you. The rest is up to you now." His words weigh heavy. My mouth is dry, but my fists are clenched. I will succeed. I will become Dauntless.

"Let's get this last round over with. After your session you are free to go. Try to sleep enough, eat enough and don't get too nervous about the things to come." He nods to us, Lauren silent next to him, the small black case with the serum in hand.

"Ok, let's start."

* * *

The door to the cafeteria closes with a squeak, effectively drowning the noises from the Pit where already some Dauntless started the celebration of the end of initiation before the tests even started. It's like the time they celebrated Al's death. They search for a reason to lose themselves in each other, in the light mood and alcohol.

I don't mind their behavior and feel like I am inside of a bubble. Instead of taking up a tray, I just take a cup with hot water and put the tea bag into it. I found it on my cot yesterday evening after returning from my second sparing session with Peter. Jules put it there I am sure and it made me smile. It is the same tea she gave me the two times I slept in her flat and I am grateful. I may not be in the four light-blue walls of her apartment at the moment but the scent of the hot liquid and the taste make me calm nonetheless.

The session with Peter was more brutal than the first. We didn't hold back as much and there are a few bruises we both spot. He even went so far that he hit me in the jaw. I did the same afterwards and there aren't foul feelings between us. I guess the test today had us both on edge even though it wasn't as visible as it was for example with Chris. She was pale, her face put into a grimace most of the time and I heard her toss and turn the whole night.

Thanks to that and my own trait of being a light sleeper I didn't sleep too much as well. But I don't feel really tired, my whole being put onto one thought: To finish my initiation as good as possible.

The other initiates around me are in different states of determination. Lynn is calm to most people but I see the way her nails are shorter than normal, even the skin on her fingers showing her nervousness, bitten bloody. Marlene leans on Uriah's shoulder and he has put an encouraging arm around her, his smile not as easy as it normally is. Will and Chris are sitting so close to each other that they are nearly sitting on each other. Their heads are together and I hear them mumble but not really understand a word they say.

One after the other they exit the cafeteria leaving me behind to nurse the cup in my hands. The hot metal of the cup feels both painful and soothing. It keeps me rooted in the now, in the reality around myself. I need to stay here, don't want to get carried away by too many thoughts in my head.

I don't need to be at the fear landscape room until later and I want to spare myself the long wait with the Leaders, Dauntless and the other initiates. I know I won't absorb their nervousness but I prefer the eerie silence of the normally chaotic and loud cafeteria. I want to take it all in, want to have a moment longer to stay here in this moment of time when I am not absolutely happy but content with the way most things are.

* * *

After I took my last sip from the cup I finally make my way up the stairs, through the other Dauntless, hear them cheer, laugh and talk loudly. When I am on the glass floor I see a few monitors throughout the room and stiffen a bit. Taking a closer look I realise they don't show the fear landscape itself but just the initiate and his or her movements through the fears.

I make my way through the crowd and see Amar at another door than the one that leads into the graffiti room. I walk over to him and he greets me with a short nod. I nod as well, a small smile on my lips and enter the room.

The Leaders are all sitting in one line in front of a window that shows the landscape room. Their eyes are closed and I see the transmitter Amar used on their temples. I stay silent, not wanting to disturb them and look around to the rest of the room. Most chairs are occupied and I see Uriah wave in my direction to join him. But I just slightly shake my head and decide to stand on the far wall of the room, arms crossed in front of my chest, keeping an eye on the monitor hanging above the window the Leaders sit at.

I see the names of the initiates. Some of them have already a time behind them, others don't. I don't know all the names even though I trained with all of them the last two weeks. But it doesn't bother me and I try to stay calm. I watch the list and see that Christina is the next in line to go through her landscape. I nod to her, an encouraging smile on my face and when I see her determined eyes I am sure she will make it.

I watch her struggle with her fear for moths she silently told me about when we laid in bed one evening. The other fears I don't know about but it doesn't matter. 16:43 minutes later she is back in our room, her face pale, dark circles under her eyes and sweat on her brow but she looks content and smiles a bit when one of the Leaders congratulate her. Will's session is over a bit faster than Christina's and both of them embrace fiercely when they are finished. I shoo them away and they nod in my direction. It's nice that they want to stay with me but I don't think I need the support at the moment. They leave the waiting room and disappeare into the crowd.

There are only four people left. Peter, Lynn, Uriah and me. It doesn't bother me to be the last to go into the simulation. It is even preferable because I am not sure how I will react and not sure what the Leaders will say – especially Eric – when they see my fears for the first time. I don't want to think about it but it is really inevitable. I am afraid that I will see pity in his eyes or anything along that line. I don't think I could take that. I survived my father, I survived initiation so far but Eric seeing my fears lets me shiver to the core.

A deep voice brings me back from my musings and I see Eric congratulate Peter to his session. I look at the monitor and I am slightly surprised that he just needed 11:29 minutes to go through his. I look at him the same moment he looks to me and I see a smirk form on his face.

"Well, Stiff. Looks like you can't beat me this time." I snort at his comment, feel Eric's eyes wander between him and me.

"Dream on, Candor. You will cry when I am through with my session." I bare my teeth in a broad, animalistic grin and Peter suppresses a laugh at my display.

"Yeah? Try to beat eight fears." I am slightly surprised and see the satisfaction in his eyes. I smile then and walk up to him, extending my hand.

"Well done, Peter." He looks at my hand, the glint in his eyes telling me that he is grateful. He takes the limb, shakes it shortly and smirks.

"Thank you, Stiff. Good luck, not that it will bring you anything." I laugh shortly and go back to my wall when he leaves.

I don't look up again until it is my time to enter the fear landscape room. Eric follows behind me and I am as much aware of his presence as ever. I stay in the middle of the room and turn around to him. His face doesn't show anything. No affection, nothing that would give away that there is more between us then the roles of instructor for fighting and an initiate. I am happy about it and thank him silently. But when he takes the syringe in one hand and brushes away the hair from my neck softly I see a slight shift in his eyes. His fingers linger for a moment on my skin, but the touch is fleeting and he holds up the syringe.

When it pierces my skin I look into his eyes. Grey meets grey-blue and I don't feel the pain. He doesn't wish me luck and I don't expect him to. I close my eyes for a moment, letting the dizziness warn me that my test is about to begin and take a last conscious deep breath.

* * *

I wake up in a room that is all too familiar. Grey walls, a simple desk, a small bed, a plain dresser. No mirrors. I look down on myself, a grey, baggy nightgown on my body and can't see my tattoos. My hand goes to my shoulder, pushing back the fabric even more to see the ivy that should be there but my skin is pale, only the scars a stark contrast to my pale complexion.

I swing my legs out of my bed and try to not feel the panic within me. I go to my desk, stumbling really and try to find Tobias' quote. It is there and I gasp. If it is there this is real. My breath goes faster and I run out of the room and out if this house. I feel like I am suffocating and chant nonono under my breath. The people around me look at my frantic face, I hear worried voices, someone even tries to approach me but I run faster until I am at the tracks. I calm down a bit, catch my breath, try to stifle the panic inside me.

I was in Dauntless not five minutes ago, ready to face my fear landscape. This has to be the simulation. The rattling of the train pulls me back into the moment and I see it approaching. My eyes become hard and I wait for the moment to jump. My fists are clenching and unclenching next to me, my jaw set into a hard line.

I feel the airstream of the passing train and start to run, tensing my muscles to prepare for the jump. I am not Abnegation, I am Dauntless. This wasn't a dream!

Suddenly I am hanging over the chasm again, hands gripping the railing and I groan. I know I am still struggling with trusting but I thought I was on a good way. I don't wait for a random person to appear but start to loosen my grip, gritting my teeth when I try to reach the next metal bar above the one I am hanging on.

Christina appears above me, face desperate, both hands extended to me. Maybe I can't trust her fully yet, but with a joint afford I can live instead of die. I loosen my hand again, overcome the death grip I have on the railing and get her hand. She smiles and I smile back, though I feel the strain on it.

The next moment I am looking not up to someone but down and see blood at my feet. This fear is new, I think to myself for a second before I see the source of the blood. Jules lies in front of me, her hands clasps at her stomach, face pale and sweaty. She looks at me with pain filled eyes and I just fall down on my knees next to her. I push away her hands, try to gauge the injury and close my eyes when I start to realise what this fear is about. Losing someone who is close to me without being able to help.

I know the afford is in vain, but I tear at the bottom of my shirt and place the strip on her wound, her blood instantly soaking it through. I try to stifle the sorrow I feel, try to tell myself that this isn't real, that Jules waits for me to finish my test. But it doesn't help. I smell the blood, I hear her rattling breath and feel the pain.

I look at her face and see nothing but terror in her misted eyes. Everyone always says that being around the loved ones in your life lets you die peacefully but I don't think so. Death is always painful, always cruel and always something you can't accept.

Her lips move but I am too far away to hear her. I lean forward to her, nearly pressing my ear to her lips. She whispers and I nod. The last breath is loud and ragged, then she is silent and leaves me alone with the pain of her loss. I clean my hand as good as possible on my shirt and close her eyes. Then I stand up and turn around.

The scene changes again and I look down at myself. Just a towel around me, standing in the cold Dauntless showers. I freeze up and know in an instant what to expect. This fear is about not being able to defend myself and even though I already defeated my attacker I feel afraid that I won't have the power again. I feel the pain at my head again as I am pulled by my hair backwards and shoved into a wall.

"Payday, Darling." A voice whispers again, presses his knee between my legs, parting them. I struggle against the attacker, bringing my head back and try to come up with a strategy through the fear in my mind. I pull down my hands and press them against the tiles. The attacker chuckles cruelly.

"Not this time." He says and I freeze for a second. He leans against me and I feel my panic rise. There is something pressing against me that wasn't there in the real situation with Al. I feel his skin on mine and have to use all my concentration to not vomit. I won't let that happen. Not then and not now. I try to collect my strength, try to stifle my panic with pure determination. My hands are still next to me and I push again backwards, straining my muscles against the attacker. He is strong but I feel him give away a bit. I grit my teeth and a second later he loses his footing and stumbles back. I don't hope for the pipes to put him out cold but just turn around, fists clenched and jump at him. I don't care about my nakedness, I want to feel his blood. I punch him again and again in the face until my knuckles are split, his blood on my hands and his face barely recognizable.

And then I am standing in a dark room, a spotlight on Tobias, a gun against my head. I know this fear. Losing the only family I have left. Losing Tobias. I don't think I could live through that. His words are soothing, telling me to just shoot him and I see the gun in my hand. His life is so much more, holds so much more meaning and I smile at him a tiny smile, an apology in my eyes. I whisper an 'I love you' to him, put the gun to my own head and shoot.

I wake up in Abnegation again and when I see my father tower over me I know I am nearly done. I don't think I could take more than this. His belt in hand I see the command in his eyes but I don't react. I just watch him, the fury in his eyes, the hate even and for a second I ask myself what I have done to deserve his behavior.

"Beatrice. Do as I said." I shake my head and push myself up into a standing position.

"I won't repeat myself. Bare your back so you can get what you deserve." I grit my teeth, my jaw already hurting from all the times I have done it before this fear. I watch him bare his teeth in an animalistic way, I see his arm with the belt go backwards and see it coming down to me. But I don't feel the pain when it connects with my cheek and shoulder. I just stare at him. He is pathetic and I was for letting him do this to me.

I bring back my fist and everything seems to happen in slow motion.

"Shut up you pathetic excuse for a father." And bring my fist into his face, hearing the pleasant crack of a broken nose.

And finally I am back in the graffiti room. I blink a few times to chase away the last images of my fears. The air is cold around me or maybe I just think so because my skin glistens in a sheen of sweat and I feel exhausted. One of the Leaders I don't know enters, a woman and I slightly smile because I wouldn't have thought that they would be so considerate.

"Well done, Tris." She says, taking sure but cautious steps in my direction. For a second I ask myself what happened before that such a behavior seems appropriate and I think that maybe some initiates reacted violently after experiencing their fears.

"Thank you." I say and follow her out of the room. I don't look into the direction of the other Leaders, just take in my time – 10:54 minutes – not wanting to meet the eyes of a special one.

"The results will be posted tomorrow." The Leader that brought me out of the room says and I nod again. Then I leave the waiting room to a sea of cheering Dauntless. Peter leans against a wall not too far away and I smirk at him.

"Well, Candor. Seems like I beat you again." He flips me off and I laugh. I look behind him and see Jules. Without a second thought I run to her and embrace her fiercely. She seems to be taken aback but engulfs me in her arms a split second later.

"You were fantastic, Tris. You can be so proud of yourself." I nod into her hair and beside the lingering exhaustion I don't feel the fear or anything negative really. I feel proud.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._

_To clear something up: I got a review from a guest - thank you for writing, btw - that pointed out that I already posted 30 chapters and nothing much happend between Tris and Eric yet. Apart from that being not completely true, I also want to point out that this relationship isn't some sweet romance like it was between Tris and Four in the books. This one is hard and edged, they both have their pasts, they both have personal issues they have to deal with. Even though I think it is a bit boring for you as a reader, I as a writer can't bring myself (not in this fanfiction, anyway) to just let them be together. There are things that need to happen and there are moments that need a closer look at. They will be together - sooner then you might think at this moment - and it will be sometimes sweet and fluffy, but there will also be a lot of other stuff in the chapters - explanations, details. That's all I wanted to point out. Sorry, if I don't reach your expectations but that is just the way things work for me in this universe, with these characters and their pasts, feelings, etc. _


	32. Chapter 31

_Thanks to my beta - Torry-Riddle._

_A/N: I will respond to your reviews soon, atm I have a lot of life going on, but I didn't want to let you wait any longer. Have fun._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, except my ideas. Veronice Roth does._

* * *

Jules takes me with her through the crowd, my hand clasped in hers. I see Tobias for a moment and there is pride in his eyes when mine connect with his. I don't think about our fight at the moment but about a wish coming true. I am with him again, we are both in Dauntless and escaped our own hell. I hope he comes over, tries to catch up with Jules and I but he doesn't. I don't know how to feel about it. Maybe he is just as uncertain as I am? I stop myself there because in this moment it doesn't matter. There is a time for too much thinking later. Now I want to celebrate like a real Dauntless.

We cross the Pit and enter the cafeteria where all the other initiates are already sitting in small groups. The feelings lacing the air overwhelm me for a second. There is an upbeat happiness, big smiles and gestures of victory. But there is also a deep pain. I look at the faces of the initiates I don't know and some of them are pale with fear.

I watch Molly for a moment, the first person I had to fight. Her face is drawn into a mask of desperation and fear. I can't remember how her time was, if she did well or failed badly. I don't like her, I feel indifferent about her most of the time but in that moment I find a small part of my Abnegation background again. I feel sorry for her. Not because I think she doesn't deserve to be Factionless, to be thrown out of the Faction of the Brave. I came to the conclusion that everyone who isn't up to standard shouldn't become Dauntless. It's cruel and disturbing to think like that but I feel it is the truth. I feel sorry for her because she seems to understand now that one decision destroyed her whole life. Maybe she regrets it, thinks about wasted opportunities and loathes her own blood that sizzled on the coal five weeks ago.

I think I wouldn't look or feel different when my faith would be that uncertain. I don't think I won't make it into Dauntless. Of course I can't be sure. Not only our time and the rankings from the first and second stage are important but the evaluation of the Leaders. It makes me cringe to think about Eric discussing my faith with the others, going over my fears, letting sink in the things I wouldn't have told him myself no matter what. I am slightly afraid of being a Dauntless member now. I have to face him again and I don't think I could take him threatening me different for this new knowledge about my past. I grit my teeth and push these thoughts away. I won't worry now.

I concentrate on the moment again, averting my eyes from Molly and looking at my feet for a moment. I pull forward the things that led me to this moment, try to concentrate on the victorious things, on the things I accomplished. I fought and won, I met my worst fears and still stand on my own feet. I feel exhilaration within me then and when someone pulls me up I laugh and don't feel uncomfortable or worried or sorry for anyone.

"We did it, Trissy!" Uriah yells and I think my friends and I all share the knowledge of finally being where we want to be, feel the heaviness of uncertainty slide off of our shoulders.

"Stop with the stupid nickname already!" I yell back and don't care that my voice reverberates from the walls. He laughs out loud then, joined by Lynn and Marlene. Their eyes are filled with pride and joy.

Uriah puts me down and I go over to Chris and Will, both of them still holding each other. I am unsure for a moment if I should disturb them and stay still. But Christina turns around, tears in her eyes, her mouth drawn into a huge smile and engulfs me in her arms.

"I can't believe it is finally over." She whispers in my hair and I nod. I can't believe it either.

"Well, it isn't over until tomorrow." Will pipes up and receives twin glares for his comment. He chuckles lightly and puts up his hands.

"I am sure you all will make really good Dauntless." Jules says and I smile at her, stepping out of Christina's arms and going over to her.

"Everyone, this is Jules. Jules, these are Will and Chris. You probably know Uriah, Lynn and Marlene?" She nods and shakes their hands. We sit down on one table, enjoying the feeling we experience in that moment and stay quiet. Everyone seems to be occupied with something, thoughts or friends. I watch them for a while, take in that maybe it is one of the last times we are together like that. But the thought doesn't bother me too much right now because it means that we take up our spots in Dauntless, fulfill our duty to protect.

I look at Chris and Will who seem to be in their own world again, watch Lynn banter with Marlene and Uriah and smile at their antics. I sigh and slowly get up. As much as I enjoy this and want to stay, I need to go, be alone for a bit.

"Guys, we see each other later, ok?" They nod though I think Lynn wants to protest. I just shake my head with a smile and she stays silent. My eyes connect with Jules and she stands up as well. She smiles at everyone and waves slightly and then we are gone from the cafeteria. She stays by my side a bit longer and I like our silent ways. When I am about to turn a corner that leads me to a special place she stays behind.

"I think I will look if Eric is finished with his serious Leader things." She says. I am not sure if she really goes to him but I appreciate her way of understanding my needs and wishes without me having to tell her.

"You do that and maybe I will see you later for the party. If not, meet me tomorrow. I would like to have you with me when the rankings are posted." Her smile broadens and she promises me to be there.

* * *

Then I am alone, the noises from the Pit not more than a light sound in the background, accompanying the sound of my boots on the floors of the tunnels. I take my time, hands in my pockets, feeling light and free. I can't explain why I needed to get away from all of the good things for a moment but I am not too concerned with my wish. I feel content with being alone, always had and I won't deny this part of me just because it seems strange.

I don't know how I pictured my last day as an initiate because I always took just one step at a time. While the others were thinking about jobs and their future I just wanted to succeed, wanted to live through initiation. Everything else was just too much to contemplate.

Now I am at a point where I don't have to worry about fear serums, simulations, fights or training anymore. Just a few more hours and I know if I can stay at the place I call my home. It's still strange for me to have something like this. It's new but it doesn't frighten me. Maybe everyone needs something to call home – a person, a place, a house. For me it seems to be a mixture of all these things. I don't think Dauntless would feel like home without Tobias, my friends from initiation, Jules and Eric. And it wouldn't feel like one without the purpose my chosen Faction has or without the memories some places are laced with now.

When I jumped off the train for the first time I thought that maybe I always belonged into Dauntless. I watched the other kids around me, wanted to be a part of them and to some degree I am now. Maybe it was naive of me to think I could be like them a hundred percent. I forgot that choosing a Faction and with that a goal in life doesn't make up your whole personality. They give you a direction but everything else is up to you. And I think that I like that better than being just like Uriah, carefree and laughing, or Lynn, sarcastic and with a dark humor, or even Chris, honest, open and loving. I like all of these people, appreciate these character traits about them but I think I would betray myself to try to be like them.

I won't try anymore. I am content with the way I am at the moment and I look forward to the changes I have to go through in the future. I don't think that any person is ever done discovering new things about oneself. And though I am all up for closure and ending things I enjoy the thought that nothing about me as a person is permanent. And maybe to accept that bit about myself and life itself makes me brave in a new way, makes me Dauntless and lets me belong even more.

* * *

I push open the door to the roof, light rain falling down around me, the sky dark, heavy clouds passing by. I put my head into my neck, let the cold drops run down my skin and enjoy the smell of the wet concrete and cold wind. I feel like floating for a few moments and open my eyes, blinking when a drop is too close to them.

This new situation is bittersweet, tastes like strong tea with sugar. The exhilarating feeling of finishing initiation is slowly dimming down. It is still there but it mixes with other emotions. Without the constant worry about initiation I find myself at a loss. Maybe that's the reason why I need a moment to breathe and came back here. I frown slightly.

I don't want to leave the save, happy feeling but I am far too realistic, maybe even pessimistic to just let it fill me anymore. I lived for the next day the last weeks and it feels strange to now have nothing to do except wait. I am a patient person mostly, I think, but this state between the final test and getting the results sets me on edge. I chew on my lip.

Maybe I should let go of this uneasiness as well and stay with calmness and relaxation. It isn't too bad to not have to steal time to be for myself and think. And it isn't too bad not to worry anymore. At least not as much. I sigh and let myself sink down in the middle of the roof. My shirt and pants are soaked from rain in some places but I don't really care. I just let myself feel the sound of the wind, the rain and the silence. My breath is even, my heart beats slowly and I just feel neutral.

* * *

I take a hot shower when I get back to the dorms, only realising that I am freezing when I left the roof. The water feels good on my skin and I feel like I wash away more than just the coldness. It is already half past nine in the evening and the celebration is probably full out in the Pit. I look forward to it and that slightly surprises me.

I pull the box of clothes from under my bed and look through the things in there. My hands grab the dress I brought with Chris what feels like ages ago. Then I thought it is another step to be me or find myself but in all honesty clothes don't define you. I let my fingers run over the soft fabric and ask myself for a moment why Dauntless even sells something so unpractical. It isn't like you could wear it to a shift of guarding the Factionless or at the fence. It is too special for that and maybe that's the reason why. Maybe its use is just that – to make you feel special, to express yourself just like you do with tattoos and piercings. And I want to give this occasion another special feeling.

I hold the dress in front of me, looking at the way it's tailored to feel like a second skin. It will show off my tattoos, especially at the back and I like that. The body art is now a part of me – a part of me that I feel proud of and I can't think of a reason to hide it. I make up my mind and pull it on. It goes down to just above my knees, maybe a bit too short for my liking or I am just not used to show much skin. I can see the bruise I got from Peter's kick to the left side of my thigh and I smile. It's just another thing I am proud of. I can fight, I can take blows and kicks and punches. I pull on my boots and chuckle at the contradiction – feminine and fighter.

My feet lead me in front of a mirror and I take in the girl that stares back at me. There are still signs of exhaustion on her face, but her eyes hold a fire, her hair still a bit wet and mussed. I contemplate if I want to add another special thing for this night I want to be Dauntless in and out. Without much thinking I get the eyeliner Christina gave me and try my best to apply it the way she did. It works ok, the black color just a bit smudged in some places. But I don't go for perfection so it doesn't bother me.

I look at myself and feel good. Content with the way I make myself look like a woman that is sure of herself and the things she wants. I hope that I won't need a dress and eyeliner in the future to look like it. I am slightly surprised that I am sure that I will be.

For a moment I think about Eric and what he would think if he saw me like that. Would he like it? Laugh at it? I scoff at myself. This is about me, not about him even though the thought that he maybe would like it lets me smile slightly. Just a few more hours and maybe I can find a way to clear things up – one way or another.

I turn away from the mirror then, take a look at my back through it before I enter the dorm. The red and black ivy look beautiful and make me feel stronger. Then I am out of the bathroom and take a look at the cots. Tomorrow I won't be sleeping here anymore. I feel a mixture of relief and melancholy. I didn't and don't feel comfortable resting with so many people in one room. On the other hand I won't have the opportunity to just meet up with someone I care about, maybe don't have the opportunity to coax Peter into another sparing match or see a blushing Chris when Will kisses her goodnight. This room holds many memories, good and bad. I don't want to forget anything because all of this was just another thing that accompanied me to this point.

I cross the room, smile on my face and turn the lights off.

* * *

On my way down to the Pit I don't meet anyone I know. The noise from the Pit slightly gets louder, pulling me to it, my feet walking without me consciously guiding my steps. I feel my body response to the beat of the drums. I smile slightly and stop at a railing just above the Pit. The light is red and there are more shadows then bright places, the people down there adding to the effect because we are Dauntless and wear black.

My hand glides along the railing of the stairs that leads me down into the Pit. I take a turn around the room that is filled with Dauntless, dim light, smoky air and life. I try to absorb as much of it as possible but feel slightly put out. It's just like back in school when I watched the Dauntless dependents jump from the train to just enter class on time. I would see their energy and lightheartedness but couldn't be a real part of it. But I want to be a part of it desperately. Before I can enter the crowd though I hear someone call my name and turn around.

"Wow, look at you, Trissy!" I hear Zeke yell over the music. Lynn, Marlene and Uriah are with him. Tobias is missing and I ask myself where he is and what he is up to while I go to join the others.

"Well, thank you, Zeke." I answer him, my cheeks slightly flushed. I turn around a bit to watch the people dancing, a longing filling my chest.

"Everything done?" Uriah asks, startling me a bit and I look at him puzzled.

"You left so suddenly after we met in the cafeteria that I thought you needed to take care of some important things." He explains and I chuckle slightly. I guess you can put it that way.

"Yeah, everything fine." He smiles in return and extends a hand in my direction. In it is a flask.

"What's that?" I ask him, raising an eyebrow.

"Just a present from Zeke for us." Uriah answers with a wink and I shake my head slightly but take the bottle from his hand. I sniff at it suspiciously, feeling the eyes of the others on me. I square my shoulders and take a mouthful of the foreign liquid. I swallow it and it burns my throat a bit, making me cough lightly. Zeke breaks into laugher then and I join soon later.

"Thanks, Uriah. You could have warned me that you and your brother want to poison me." I say, my voice light. He just shrugs and takes back the alcohol when I hold the bottle out to him. I decide that I don't like the drink too much and will stay away from it in the future.

"Sorry, love." He replies but doesn't look like it at all. I shove him a bit for the nickname and he chuckles again. I stay with them for a while, listening to Zeke talking about his work in the control room. Lynn seems to hang on every word he says and I guess she wants to take up this career. It's surprising because I wouldn't have thought that she is interested in computers and prefers being out and about, being active above sitting in a room all day long. But maybe I shouldn't judge too soon, because I don't really know anything about the work a Dauntless executes in the control room.

Lynn elbows me suddenly and points in Uriah's direction. His face is connected with Marlene's, his hands on her waist, hers around his neck and Lynn and I high-five. Finally we both think at the same time and leave the two of them alone. There will be time tomorrow to tease them about the time they needed to figure this out. Maybe I shouldn't join in too loud. I myself can't figure out my love life. I cringe slightly and look back to the dancing Dauntless, the beat vibrating in my bones and calling me to join in again.

"I think I go dance for a bit. See you later!" Zeke and Lynn nod to me absentmindedly too caught up in finding remarks to throw into the direction of our two friends in the morning. I smile, turn around and get lost in the people around me. I want to feel the life that is all around me within me, want to get lost in the movements I see the people around me in. The heat they emanate, the stifling air and the beat of the music pull away my conscious thoughts and wishes and I just feel, closing my eyes.

The drums pulse through me. They unleash a sort of animalistic and instinctive feeling in me and I let my body float to the rhythm forgetting about the toll the past weeks had on me, forgetting about the fears I encountered today or the fight with Tobias that weighs heavily on my mind even though I don't want to think about it.

I float, wiping my head around, letting my hair dance with me, blood rushing to my cheeks and neck. I feel hot and alive. I cannot repress the laugh that bubbles in my throat. I feel like I belong right here in the middle of it all, in the middle of these people that are my family now. I am a bit surprised at the emotions raise up in me, how protected, protective and how much love I feel in that moment.

I make noises like the others around me, whooping and celebrating and being Dauntless-ly free. It's exhilarating. I can forget about myself as well and in that moment I begin to realise that being free and brave is an act of selflessness as well, maybe.

I feel a hand on my hip. A big, calloused hand and the heat behind me as another body grinds into me powerful and just as wild and uncaring as I feel in that moment. I don't have to look to know who it is, don't flinch at his closeness and in that moment I don't care that I am not sure what to feel about him, if I should tell him about my crush in clear words or not, that we fought after our first kiss or that neither he nor I could express what really is inside the looks we share and the touches we give.

It just feels so damn right that his other hand joins my body as well, laying itself on my ribcage just below my breasts, pulling me against him and sends chills down my spine. And maybe these chills don't originate from the sweat I feel running down my back but because he is behind me, his face near my hair, breathing me, feeling me, just like I feel his muscles and strength and imposing body.

His hands begin to wander making me feel like I am on fire and about to burst into thousand sparkles. The mixture of his callous hands on my thin dress the only barrier between him and me and the rhythm of the drums elects a moan and I don't need to see his face to know that he sports an arrogant smirk and glinting eyes.

He explores my stomach now hard from the torture he put us through in stage one and the training I put myself through after it. I know he can break me. I know that this isn't limited to my body but spreads to my mind and to my heart. But I don't care, not yet. I will think about the consequences tomorrow, think about an _us _tomorrow because right now, I will just enjoy it and allow this moment I share with him and really everyone Dauntless to heal some part of me that I wasn't sure was broken or existing at all.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	33. Chapter 32

_Thanks to my beta - Torry-Riddle._

_A/N: And finally - here it is. I am hoping to be able to update the Office Series soon, finish it completely really. Hope you enjoy this last part in the first half of the story. Let me know what you think. _

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, except my ideas. Veronice Roth does._

* * *

I don't exchange words with him, just look into his eyes, taking in his features, his body. It's a sweet pain to watch him so openly, his grey eyes smoldering, and his breath slightly faster just like my own. We stand in silence, dancing people, loud music, stifling air around us and for a moment time stands still with us. I withstand the pull I feel, fight the urge to go closer, being embraced in him. I take a short breath, absorb him, my eyes staying at his tattoos on his neck that were one of the first things I found fascinating and handsome about him. Then I smile slightly and turn around. For a moment I am afraid that he will stop me, but he doesn't and I am glad. I don't think it would be good to talk now with our bodies heated from the dance, our minds more on instinct than on sound decisions and honesty or to further get lost in the physical closeness.

I make my way back to the dorm not too long after parting with Eric. The moment we shared in the middle of the others is still intense, his scent lingering around me, embracing me. And it slightly feels like flying down the zip-line. Exhilarating and just right. My heart aches for a replay but I know I can't let that happen. I know it would be a bad idea because there are too many things left unsaid and I am still not sure what he really feels. Jules' comment gave me a minimal idea but that just isn't enough anymore. I find myself hoping that she is right or better to say that I am right with my interpretation of her words. I trample down that feeling though because I don't know if I can take the hope being false again.

* * *

"Tris." I stop, coming back from my thoughts and look into the direction the voice came from. Tobias stands there, hands in his pockets, shoulders slumped. It's strange how things sometimes work and situations arise that were planned differently. First Eric comes up to me and now my brother. I had a fight with both of them and didn't want to concentrate on it until tomorrow after I receive my ranking. But it seems both of them have other plans and I have to confront it if I want to or not.

"Hey Four." My voice is low and I am not sure if he heard me. His mouth pulls into a small smile and he beckons me to come with him. My feet make the decision to accept his invitation before I can come up with a conscious decision on my own. I look at his back, slightly staying further back behind him. He leads me to a small secluded area and to some stones to sit down on. I am unsure how to act and wait for him to do anything. He pulls me down into his lap and embraces me fiercely.

"I am so sorry, love. I hate how I acted. It won't happen again." His voice holds so much concern and remorse that my breath leaves me for a few seconds because the pain he expresses mirrors my own. I pull back slightly, look into his dark-blue eyes and put a hand to his cheek. He leans into the touch and I sigh, embracing him then.

"I hope it won't, Tobias." I whisper at his neck and I know he can't promise me something like that. We lived different lives for the past four years and though we share memories and a deep bond drifting apart is inevitable when growing up. I have to accept that even though it makes my eyes burn. He still is my hero and I think if he doesn't mess up enormously he will always be.

"I hate that we fought. Especially with something so important like the final test coming up." His left hand draws circles on my back and I relax a bit more.

"I hate that we fought, too. But don't feel bad about the circumstances. I had to deal with many things on my own before." I realise after the words left my mouth how they could sound to him. He tenses a bit and I squeeze him. I don't want him to feel responsible for these things. He should feel proud if anything and I tell him as much. He doesn't response for a few minutes, then nods.

"I am proud of the things you accomplished on your own." His voice sounds honest and I pull back to let him see my smile. He smiles back and I yawn slightly. Tobias chuckles, the reaction letting his chest rumble beneath me.

"So, everything is alright again?" I ask him.

"Yes, Tris." His voice is muffled, his cheek laying on top of my head and we stay silent for a while.

"How is everything else going for you?" Tobias asks, playing with a few strands of my hair and I chuckle slightly but without humor. I feel bitterness and uncertainty raise within me.

"When with everything else you mean my strange taste in men then I have to tell you that I am at a dead end at the moment. We fought and now we both seem to be unable to do something about it. Though I didn't even try really... I wanted to finish initiation at first. And now it will be over tomorrow... I am just not sure what to do now... "He nods again. I try to stifle the negative emotions but my tiredness doesn't help. They lay down around my shoulders and I slump a bit forward.

"Is there something else?" I think for a moment, not completely comfortable to share everything with him because he is my older brother, concerns about my well-being naturally.

"Well," I sigh "I am not sure of his feelings for me, even think that he doesn't feel anything. And it's just painful to think about it sometimes. I am afraid that we won't talk about it and even more afraid of what will happen if we speak about it and he will confirm my thoughts. I don't know if I am ready to face that." He pulls me a bit closer to him, arms tightening and I let myself really feel these fears, just for a second.

"I won't let him hurt you, promise." I know he can't promise this either but the notion is sweet and I smile slightly. I pry away his arms then and stand up.

"I think I will head to bed now. Will you be there tomorrow when the rankings are posted?"

"I will make sure to be there." He stands up as well, embracing me one more time, kissing my cheek. I breathe in his scent and feel the familiar emotions of belonging and safety return. It makes me feel light.

* * *

I enter the tunnel that leads to the dorms. Christina joins my side and I look over my shoulder to see Will is a few steps behind us. She throws an arm around me and I smile slightly, thankful for her way of supporting me even though she doesn't know she does. We don't speak, exhausted and a bit melancholic as well, I think.

We reach the dorm, some cots occupied for the last time already. We started as nine initiates from different Factions. We are five now and for the first time I realise how empty the dorm is. I take my time remembering kind Edward that hopefully gets his revenge soon when Drew receives the verdict becoming Factionless. For a few short seconds I hear Al's sobs, remember the boy he was and the boy he became because he couldn't cope with the things we experienced in initiation. Then I step up to my own bed and sit down for a moment.

Chris and Will push their cots together and slip under their covers embracing. I smile at them and feel fascination raise within me that they found each other. If one of them had chosen differently everything would have been different. But they are here now, together, through the stress and pain of initiation and becoming Dauntless in just a few hours. It gives me hope that some things are meant to be. Some good things.

I avert my eyes then, letting them have at least the privacy of not prying eyes and enter the bathroom, making sure to take a shirt and sweatpants with me from my bed. Wiping away the eyeliner and putting on my sleeping clothes I look into the mirror.

My eyes are glinting, my cheeks a bit flushed, and a small smile on my lips. I feel tired to the bone but it isn't accompanied by sadness or a feeling of defeat this time. It's a calm tiredness that lets you sleep through the night without nightmares or the annoying tossing and turning of an overactive mind. I look forward to it.

* * *

The other initiates and I meet up for breakfast at 8:30 am. We sit together at a table, light banter and small laughs filling the air around us. I feel comfortable staying silent, savouring my breakfast of an orange, a sandwich and water. I would have liked to have Jules' tea at the moment because I feel my hands are slightly shaking with suppressed nervousness and I think I have to ask her where she buys it.

The Dauntless around us throw us glances now and then, probably talking about our performance yesterday, betting who will be the highest up in the ranking. I don't feel bothered by their behavior and think I would do the same. George and Tori come up to me at one point and both of them smile broadly at me, already congratulating me even though there still is a possibility for me not making it into Dauntless. When I say as much half the table and both of my friends from the parlor scoff at me and I just shrug, smiling.

When the Leaders enter the balcony the cafeteria goes silent slowly and the air fills up with tension and expectations. I stand up with everyone else, too nervous to sit still, too eager to know if Dauntless will still be my home in half an hour. Tobias and Zeke find us and my brother puts an encouraging arm around me. Uriah exchanges some words with his brother and they both seem to lend each other strength in their own twisted ways.

I never thought about how it must feel for the Dauntless-born that never experienced anything else in their lives to suddenly be Factionless without the companionship, chaos and their families. I don't think anything I come up with can compare to the real emotions in such a situation. Beside that I can understand the worried lines in Zeke's face when he thinks Uriah can't see him.

"Initiates!" It's the same Leader that gave us the speech at the beginning of our initiation and I take in his way of observing anything and anyone at once.

"Feel proud that you came that far, survived two or all stages of initiation in Dauntless. Now the time comes to face your rankings. For some of you it means to say goodbye, for some of you it means to finally have a place you can call home, a Faction that is you and be a functioning member of our society. That said, make sure to meet tomorrow morning at 7 am on the 7th floor. There you will meet with one of the Leaders, get the keys to your apartment and chose a job. Now, here are your rankings." He steps back a bit and up comes the woman who stood next to Eric when we arrived on the roof on Choosing Day. She has a list in her hand, a stern expression on her face and clears her throat before she starts.

"Tris Eaton, first place. Uriah Pedrad, second place. Peter Hayes, third place..." There is cheering all around me and I feel my face split into half because I smile so broad. Beside of that there is only amazed surprise in me. Tobias pulls me to him, laughing and lifting me up into a hug, my feet losing the ground in the process. I laugh with him, my arms tight around his neck. He lets me down after a few more seconds, and I hear that Lynn is fourth, Will fifth, Marlene sixth and Christina number seven. The last three spots go to Dauntless-born initiates I don't know.

I lose myself in the loud exclamations of the other Dauntless members around us, welcoming us in the way that once was a bit frightening and feels now just like the right thing. They hoist us up into the air, carrying us around through the room. Christina's hand finds mine and we raise our joint hands into the air. I think I never was that loud and joyous before.

* * *

I don't know how long the celebration continued, I just find myself leaning against a wall in the Pit a bit away from the others some time later. They stand together, cheerful glint in their eyes and with relaxed postures, randomly hugging, exchanging playful shoves and many laughs. Peter is standing with them and I like that. Though he doesn't join in on any conversation and his shoulders are a bit tense I think he will come around. Maybe even find something worth in the people I call my friends and call them his friends sometime in the future.

I observe Chris for a moment throwing glances in his direction. Her arms are crossed, a frown present on her face. She goes over to him, exchanges a few words and I am afraid that something bad might happen. But then I watch Chris smile gleefully and Peter scoff good-humouredly, taking the hit in the shoulder with a playful scowl. I hope they will get along, because we are as of now all members of the same Faction. I think it is a good start to leave behind old feelings of dislike, hurt and pain and come clean to have a better future. I never was a friend of keeping too many negative feelings too long with me. They are unnecessary ballast. I scoff lightly because I know that I need to practice that a lot more myself.

The door to the cafeteria opens and Eric and the other Leaders come out, talking to each other. My eyes meet his for a split second before I avert my eyes to my feet. I am torn between going up to him and clear things and staying rooted to the floor letting him take the first step. It would be only fair I debate with myself because I came up to him after our first and only kiss. But I guess this whole situation isn't about fairness but coming to terms with ones feelings. I know where I stand, what I feel and just like the first time I realised them I feel happiness and sadness within me for falling in love with Eric or the image I have of him. I know I am still afraid of trusting too much, of depending on someone, but I find myself ready to take the risk for him.

If he is ready, too or even feels the same I don't know. And not knowing this is maybe even more painful than having an answer. I find myself willing to take whatever he says, though I am aware that it could leave me broken to some degree. All I can do is wait, I think. It's like I am waiting for something, a sign maybe that would give me the strength to talk things through. I frown slightly when I realise that I have been staring at him for the last minutes.

I watch Jules go up to him and the other Leaders, nodding in greeting and starting to talk, a frown on her face, her gestures annoyed. I avert my eyes and make my way over to my friends, deciding that I should enjoy their happiness and leave the uncertainty behind.

"Well, look at you. First place!" Zeke grins and throws an arm around me when I come to a stop beside him. I throw a quick glance in Eric's direction, our eyes meeting and he scowls; at Jules who is still talking to him animatedly or at me I don't know. And I don't really care because I let myself get high on victory and belonging. It's like a button pressed within me. The happiness floods my veins, flushing my cheeks in a healthy pink. I look up to Zeke, smile along in thanks to his congratulation, look to Tobias who spots a proud expression on his face.

I don't even stiffen when Uriah pulls me out of his brother's arms and places a sloppy kiss on my cheek. The sensation is strange and I wipe my cheek, scowling playfully at him. He laughs and just kisses my other cheek, pulling me into a tight hug afterwards. I let myself fall into him, my arms just as strong around him as his are around me and feel warmth for his friendship, for him as a person spread through me.

"Congratulations, Trissy." He whispers in my hair and I squeeze him for a moment, chuckling lightly at his continuous use of the nickname. I don't bother to correct him this time. He will call me the way he likes whether I want it or not.

"It's more like Six now, don't you think?" Zeke quips and Uriah looks at him puzzled. I pull away from Uriah and put my right arm around his waist. We face the others again who look as confused as Uriah does.

"What do you mean?" He asks, pulling Marlene to him, putting his free arm around her.

"I guess he refers to the amount of fears I had to go through in my fear landscape." I answer Uriah calmly, leaning into his side. I don't think it matters how many fears someone has and I am a bit confused myself why they look at me like that.

"You have only six fears?" Will asks incredulously and I nod. Slowly I realise how this must sound to them and I cringe mentally. I don't tell them about my theory that the amount of fears doesn't really matter but their intensity does.

"Well, it runs in the family, I guess." Four speaks up and I laugh slightly, thankful that he pulled the attention away from me because the others look at him in a new found realisation. I think they just made the connection between Lauren's information about the lowest amount of fears being four and his nickname.

"So, Four isn't your real name?" I scoff at Chris' question and slightly shake my head at her with a smile.

"No, it isn't." It's Lynn that speaks up, goes up to my brother and takes his hand. He looks down to her with love in his eyes and mine widen in realisation.

"It's Lynn?!" I ask, my voice sounding funny even to my own ears. Tobias nods in my direction, face slightly pulling into an unsure expression.

"That's great!" I say and he smiles. I catch Lynn's eyes and get her message immediately. _Thank you. _Why she needs to thank me, I don't know but maybe I will talk to her later about it. Suddenly I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and am aware in the next moment that Eric is behind me.

"Stiff." My back goes rigid and I step out of Uriah's arm. I take a deep breath bracing myself and turn around like the others already did.

"Leave her alone, Eric." Four steps up, in overprotective brother mode. I smile slightly, go up to him and put a hand on his arm shaking my head when he looks at me. He stays quiet then and I cross my arms over my chest looking to Eric with uncertainty. I am a bit surprised he is here, that he approaches me where my friends and a lot of the other Dauntless members still linger around after the rankings were announced can see us. I don't know what he wants, what he expects me to say or do and what he thinks he can achieve with this. I take a breath again.

"What is it, Eric?" I ask calmly my voice just slightly quivering. His eyes glint with anger and his shoulders are tense. I see a light crease between his brows and ask myself what he is thinking about. He doesn't say anything just steps up, grabs my arm and pulls me towards him.

I stumble slightly into his broad chest, my gaze fixed on his, taken by surprise. I don't back down and am torn between scowling at him for manhandling me like this or being turned on by his dominance, close proximity and the memory of him dancing behind me just a few hours ago. I think I have gone insane somewhere in the last minutes without noticing. There can't be another explanation for my bipolar feelings.

We look at each other and I forget about the people around me. I concentrate on him alone, giving up the fight that begun yesterday and just enjoy his hand on my skin, his heat around me. His eyes travel my face, the crease between his brows slowly vanishing and for a second I recognize determination in his otherwise unreadable grey eyes.

He lets go of my arm, his hand grasping my jaw gently, his fingertips in my hair, thumb slowly caressing the skin under my right eye. His other arm goes around my waist, grabbing the fabric of my shirt at my hip under my jacket though I know without a doubt that he would let me go if I showed a sign of not wanting this, wanting him. I appreciate that he gives me the freedom to decide if I want it or not, to still step back. I envy his control when I let mine slip so easily – forgotten my contemplation of our situation just a few minutes ago, forgotten my fear of rejection. I feel his question without him asking and think about the consequences.

He seems to sense my decision before I do, titles my head up with his hand still on my jaw and kisses me with fire. And just like that I lose myself in the feeling of him. He tastes of bravery, desperation and yearning. I feel like I lose the ground under my feet literally and realise that he lifts me up, holding me up one arm around my waist, the other going to the back of my head, cradling it. I sling my arms around his neck, want to feel as much as possible of him, returning his kiss and eagerness with my own. I wasn't aware that you could feel so relieved by just touching a person.

My left hand is at his cheek now, feeling a light stubble that teases my skin and I enjoy the friction, run my fingertips over it again. My right hand grabs the fabric of his shirt at his back, nails purposefully and lightly scraping against his skin beneath it and I feel his chest rumble in an appreciative growl. I can't stop myself from smiling into the kiss at my surprising boldness, happiness and a feeling of being whole flushing through me. I receive a slight squeeze for teasing him in return.

He breaks the kiss then, his eyes no longer angry but darker than normal, holding me still up against him, my hips against his stomach. I lean my head down, touching my forehead with his, our breaths mixing, lips red and tingling. My eyes close again because my other senses are so aware of him already.

"Don't stay away anymore. Don't evade me." His voice is barely above a whisper and though I hear an edge of vulnerability I also hear the command. I look at him for a moment searching his eyes, his face. Whatever I am looking for, I seem to find it because I nod. And before he brings his lips up to mine again I see a smirk on them.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	34. Chapter 33

_Thanks to Torry-Riddle - best beta ever._

_A/N: Sorry for the late update. I hope you will enjoy this part. Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorits/follows. I was really busy and not in the mood to write and hope I will be back on track in a while._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing - Veronica Roth does._

* * *

He puts me down, his hands around my waist now and I smile slightly. I don't know if my agreement to his words makes us more than just two people that are drawn to each other and I think we have to talk a bit before everything is clear and out in the open. For the moment though, I just enjoy the warm feeling inside of me, the lingering feeling of his lips on mine and the way his hands are holding me. It's peaceful to once not overthink it and just experience the moment.

Eric leans down, brushing his lips against my forehead and looks me in the eyes.

"I have to do some things now. Paperwork and annoying stuff like that now that initiation is over. Would you join me later for supper?" His voice is still low and makes me aware that we aren't alone in this world. Quite the contrary, we have an audience. I nod, pushing myself up on my tiptoes and feeling bold, press my lips against his collarbone.

"I find you around 7 pm?" I answer and he nods, squeezing my waist for a moment and then turns around and leaves. I stare after him, observing the way his muscles work beneath his shirt and blush a bit. The bubble I was in slowly vanishes and I am aware of my surroundings then. I look to my friends and brother. Their looks are quite comically. Chris smiles slightly, Uriah and Zeke have trouble coming up with a funny remark presumably, their mouths opening and closing without emitting a sound. Marlene seems to be in shock, Peter smirks, his eyes a bit wider and Lynn has a grab on Tobias' hand. He doesn't look too happy, maybe because he is even more afraid then I am that my decision will hurt me.

"It's about freaking time." I hear a voice behind me and smile at Jules when I turn halfway to look at her. She comes up to me, throwing an arm around my shoulders. Her eyes meet mine and there is a glint in them that clearly states 'I told you so'. I role my eyes at her and she chuckles slightly. We go over to my friends then. I am slightly nervous what they will say. But mostly I feel like I am on top of the world at the moment. Initiation is finally over, I am top of my class, the man I like made a move on me and his invitation is promising a real talk to find out what we want.

"I am happy for you and I hope I don't have to blackmail him again to make the right decision." Her voice is light and I frown at her.

"What do you mean, blackmail him?" I ask, feeling a bit uncertain if I really want to hear what Jules is about to say. My stomach turns slightly. Maybe she told him to already come up to me and it wasn't his decision alone? What would that mean in the long run? I scoff slightly. I don't think anyone can make Eric do something that he doesn't want. But the slight uncertainty stays.

"Well, he is just as stubborn as you are. He was angry because he was confused so I gave him a piece of my mind, telling him to get his shit together and admit that he is missing you." Jules shrugs nonchalantly and I nod, thoughts circling in my head. She squeezes my shoulder, drawing my eyes up to look into hers. They look honest.

"Don't worry, Tris. It was his decision and I know he believes it to be the right one." I chew my lip a bit more, trying to absorb the comfort she tries to give me. I pull myself together. Everything I need to ask, everything I want to find out has time for later when I meet up with him.

* * *

The reactions to my kiss with Eric are overall what I expected when I pictured them. Most of my friends smile at me encouragingly, telling me that there are happy as long as I am. They are slightly disturbed though, asking me what I see in him to what I only shrug my shoulders. I don't know for sure myself – these feelings are just there.

After we all calmed down a bit, we separate everyone going to use the free time to do some things that we couldn't do before. We are allowed to leave the compound now, and some of us want to just do that. I myself decide to visit the training room. I may not be an initiate anymore but practice is always good and it proved to be the best way to lose myself and my many thoughts for a few hours.

As I make my way through the tunnels, Peter joins my side, hands in his pants pockets. We stay silent until we enter the room and I smile slightly at our shared wish to let off some steam. I go through my normal routine, running a few laps, lifting some weights, using a punching bag to prepare my muscles for the movements. Peter stands against a steel beam, probably already finished with his warm-up routine and watches me.

"So I wasn't all too wrong." He simply states and I frown a bit.

"What do you mean?" I ask, brushing away the sweat from my brow.

"You and Eric." I stiffen slightly, throwing him an uncertain glance. I feel uncomfortable to talk to him about it. Not because we just recently started talking at all but because he was the initiator of a few mean and hurtful rumors. My shoulders tense in fright and frustration.

"Don't get your panties in a knot. I don't believed for one second that he was the reason you were so good in initiation." His voice is a lazy drawl, calm and composed. I am surprised and stop my pretense to still go through punches and kicks to look at him.

"It's not like I am blind, Tris. I saw the way you got better every day and your time in the second and third stage can't be polished up by anyone. Not even by someone like Eric." I nod, but I am still confused to where his explanation leads and what he thinks he can achieve telling me this. I see his fists are clenching inside of his pants pockets, his shoulders and arms tense as well and he looks down to his bare feet, eyebrows furrowed.

"I have my own reasons why I hated you from the beginning, why I insulted you and all the other things and I am not ready to share it with you. Not yet, I think. All I want to say is that I am sorry. And that I am glad that things changed." I am taken aback by his honesty but I should have expected it really. He is a former Candor after all. Peter watches me, maybe waiting for a reaction. I smile slightly at him and shrug.

"It's all in the past now anyway, Candor. I forgive you and I am glad as well that I now have my personal sparring partner. That said, can we begin?" I don't want to make it hard on him and want to give him an easy way out. It needs much bravery to come out like this and I can respect that. I can respect him for reflecting on his behavior and slowly turning into a man that I think is worth getting to know.

He seems slightly surprised by my answer because he needs a moment to join my side, going to the mat in the middle of the training hall. We keep the fighting light when it comes to punches and kicks, evade most of the other's attacks, practicing different maneuvers to get on ones feet fast enough. We are out of breath after a while, taking short breaks to drink a bit water. The only sound is our labored breaths.

We call an end at 5:30 pm and sit together for a while, sipping at the metal bottles containing our water. Our backs are leaning against one of the walls, shoulders slightly brushing against each other. I am a bit surprised I don't feel the need to scoot over and away from him. But I guess after he punched me in various places and touched me accidently in not so comfortable other places I am used to his presence and closeness.

"What are you going to choose tomorrow? As a job I mean?" I ask, eyes fixed on the punching bags in front of us.

"I want to be a guard in the Factionless sector." He says without thinking for a second and I scoff at him in amusement.

"But you could do so many other things. I mean, I think it is an honorable position, maybe I will chose it myself, but I got the impression you are far more ambitious and would prefer a position higher up in the ranks." He shrugs nonchalantly and I get the feeling he doesn't want to talk about it really.

"I am ambitious and want to make a name for myself but I don't like to be howled up in an office. I want to be outside, get some action." I think he tells me half the truth and that is ok, I think. I can't expect him to be open to me just like that. I don't push him and we are quiet again.

"What about you? Set your eyes on something special?" It's my time to shrug, my own indecisiveness weighing down on my shoulders. I cringe slightly.

"I don't know. I think all of the jobs have their perks and downsides as well." My voice sounds annoyed and he chuckles slightly next to me, shoving me in the shoulder with his.

"I think you would make a good leader." I raise my eyebrows in surprise.

"How so?" I ask, curiosity taking the place of annoyance. He looks thoughtful for a moment and I am grateful that he really thinks about a response and not just brushes it off.

"Well, you are a Stiff." I snort as his reply and he rolls his eyes.

"I mean it. Your Faction is the government of the city and though you proved that you are Dauntless I think your background can help you with it." Peter shrugs and I contemplate his idea.

"Hm, I don't think I am up to it, though. I want to experience some action as well." He nods in understanding and pushes himself into a standing position. He shudders slightly and I do as well. Now that we sat on the cool ground, our muscles relaxing and not moving much the cold air around us makes me freeze. I stand up then as well, crossing my arms to keep a bit of the warmth inside of me.

"I think I am heading to the showers now." I say and look to Peter. His mouth pulls into a smirk.

"Ah, big date and all of that." I shove him and he chuckles slightly. We walk together to the exit and he holds the door open for me. I nod in thanks and we part ways in the dorm.

* * *

I lean against a wall in the Pit next to the cafeteria and wait for Eric. My still wet hair is in a simple side braid. I didn't want to make a fuss about myself, putting on snug pants, a tank top and my leather jacket. Although I felt slightly nervous about Peter's comment with the date I don't think I need to change myself to appeal to Eric. He seems to like me the way I am and putting on different clothes won't make me a different person.

I look up when a shadow falls over me and see Eric in front of me, only a few centimeters away. I smell his scent and smile slightly. I am uncertain what to do, how to greet him and hate that things are still so uncertain when all I want to do is enjoy his closeness. He takes the decision upon himself, freeing one of my hands from my pants pocket and taking it into his own, leading me into the cafeteria.

I like how his big and strong hands feel against mine, his skin slightly more calloused. His limb is warm and I enjoy the sight of my hand disappearing in his. We sit down at a table a bit further away from the others and start to eat in silence. It's not uncomfortable but something seems to be amiss. I watch him out of the corner of my eyes. His shoulders are tense and there is a slight crease between his eyebrows. His grey eyes stare ahead and I get the impression he is far away. I touch his forearm lightly and he looks down to me.

"What is it?" I ask, my voice low and I am proud that it doesn't quiver and shows my concern too much.

"Not here. We can talk when we are at my apartment." I nod and take up my fork. His behavior is disconcerting but I try to not think too much about it instead coming up with reasons that haven't anything to do with me or an uncertain us.

Eric stays silent throughout the meal and I have lost my appetite a few minutes ago. This isn't how things are supposed to be. We shouldn't behave like some strangers and though I understand his wish to speak in private I wish he could show me that he hasn't changed his mind yet again. My stomach turns at the thought and I start to brace myself for everything that he might say in the not so distant future.

I scowl at my own panic. I know that my wellbeing was and is at risk for having feelings for him and I shouldn't behave like some idiot girl without a backbone. I shouldn't let him be my only thought. I push away the girl that can't concentrate on anything else then the way Eric is silent, his thigh against hers and the things ahead of her and try to find the girl that jumped off a roof, faced her fears and lived to tell the tale. I start to eat then, ignoring Eric for the moment and look down at my plate. It seems I am not very successful though because Eric speaks up a minute later.

"Stop worrying, ok?" His voice is just a bit louder than a whisper and I look at him for a moment, my eyes full of surprise. He smiles slightly and it's so different from the smirk he normally carries when amused or feeling superior. I let my eyes fall back onto the plate and nod. He sighs softly, puts his free hand around my waist and continues eating with just one hand. I stiffen a bit, taken aback and feel silly at the same time. His thumb draws lazy circles over my tank top on my back. It gives me the calmness I wanted to get.

* * *

After we finish eating, he takes my hand again in his and leads me to his apartment. I sit down on his sofa again and he gets a chair for himself. It reminds me of the last time I wanted to talk to him and I feel uncomfortable. He relaxes on his chair, elbows on his knees, grey eyes fixed on me. The silence weighs heavy on my shoulders. I try to come up with something to say but find my mind empty. Just an hour ago I had so many questions but now my mind stays blank.

"Let's start at the beginning, ok?" He says, his voice deep and calm and I relax. I nod and wait for him to speak first.

"I already told you, that you have an effect on me, on my feelings and that it doesn't seem to stop." Eric sounds casual and I find myself wondering just like I did the first time in the training room if he just is this way, that he just is that sort of person or if the things he displays, the way he acts is a shield, a mask he shows the world. I nod and stay silent.

"And the things that happened between us let me believe that you have feelings for me as well." I blush slightly and nod again. His eyes roam my face and I feel bubbles raise within my stomach. His gaze on me is powerful. He is strong and holds power over me. And maybe that's the reason why I find the strength within me to be bold.

"I do. I think I am falling in love with you." I watch his eyes widen a bit in surprise of my honesty or the confession itself. It's his turn to stay silent and I take a deep breath. I want this out in the open, don't want a replay of the things that let to me avoiding him. I make up my mind, square my shoulders a bit and just start to speak, keeping my eyes trained on his to get the message across on more than one level.

"Eric, I know we know next to nothing about each other, but I have the strong urge to be with you, to get to know you. I am aware that your feelings and mine can change along the way, that maybe we find something in each other that we don't like, that I can get hurt, but I want to try. Want to give myself and us a chance because I don't think I can stop feeling drawn to you. And honestly I don't want it to stop." I stop myself there and bite my lip. I feel vulnerable again, more than I ever did, with my feelings out in the open like this. But I won't take back anything I just said. It's the truth and we both deserve it. And I know I can get through this – no matter what he says next because I at least stood up for my emotions and the things – or the person – I want.

"I don't want that as well. I want to have this chance." He replies simply and a small smile pulls the corner of his mouth up. I smile a bit myself, feeling happiness and the adrenalin of my confession pulsing through my veins. We continue to look at each other, Eric's eyes shining with a thoughtful glim in them. His face turns into a serious expression slowly but it doesn't stop the high I feel because he already told me he wants me the way I want him. His voice is serious as well when he starts to speak again and I know I have to pay close attention because whatever it is it will be important for both of us.

"But I also want you to know that I am difficult. I can't express myself easily, can't express my feelings the way other people probably can. I am closed off and cold the most time. And I don't want you to worry every time I seem distant. If I have something to tell you, I will do that in blunt words. If not I don't want you to think my behavior has anything to do with you and worry yourself sick." I know he refers to the way I acted in the cafeteria. I blush a bit at my own behavior and chew on my lip.

"Ok." I say, my voice just above a whisper. I know I can't promise him I won't worry and I don't know if I can fully understand what he means but he seems to be content with my reply.

Eric stands up then, comes over to me and sits down next to me, his body turned in my direction. His hand is at my jaw again, his thumb brushing my lip that was abused by my teeth again. We look at each other, my grey-blue eyes meeting his grey ones and stay silent for a moment, the time stopping around us. He takes a deep breath and I am surprised that he seems nervous.

"And I want you to know that I think, that I am falling in love with you, too."

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	35. Chapter 34

_Thanks to Torry-Riddle - best beta ever._

_A/N: Initiation is over, the girl has the man. Everything perfect...or so it appears to be. Have fun reading and THANK YOU SO MUCH for the reviews and follows/favorits. You rock._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing - Veronica Roth does._

* * *

I kiss him then and I think it is the second time I initiate it. Our movements are slow and calm, his hand that was on my jaw is going into my hair, angling my head a bit to the side to deepen the kiss. I open my mouth without hesitation when his tongue lightly meets my lips, want to taste him consciously this time. His tongue moves sensual against mine, coaxing me to explore him and I feel a shudder running through my body at the control he gives me. I move up to my knees not breaking our kiss and he pulls me sideways into his lap. I feel content having him so close to me and enjoy the calmness that spreads through my body instead of the panic I am accustomed to.

I think it will always be a mystery why I feel so good with him, am not ashamed to run my nails over his skin or press into his chest to let his heat seep into my skin more easily. His arm is around my back and I love the way it feels on me. My heart is beating fast against my ribcage and I feel his heart is too. It lets me feel at home. We break the kiss, exchanging lips to skin when I let mine run down along his jaw and to his ear. His smell is all around me and I sigh against his neck when my head lays down onto his shoulder. I think I could stay this way forever.

His hand that was in my hair intertwines with mine that isn't fisted in his shirt and I feel his chest rumble in content.

"How is it possible you can make me feel so content?" He asks me softly and I am surprised of the way he talks. It's a new side of him and I am happy that he shares it with me without a second thought. I smile against the skin of his neck, my eyes closed.

"Maybe the same reason why I don't feel panic when I am with you." I say calmly, not afraid to give him this knowledge of me. He saw my fears, had to because he is a Leader and needed to evaluate the initiates but I think it's something different when I say something like this out of a wish to let him know it. Because it is my will to do so.

"I won't push you, Tris." He says, his hand on my back squeezing me lightly. I nod against him.

"I know you won't. I don't know why I do, I just do." We stay silent again, enjoying the feeling of being together like this without unsaid things and confusing signals. It's strange that we know so little about one another but still seem to sense things about the other that most people would probably miss. I remember his behavior when we ate and I don't know if it is the right moment to ask him. But I will try because it seems that speaking openly will be a good thing for our relationship.

"Can you tell me why you were so absent during supper?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper. He moves a bit under me and I sit up, my hand that was fisted in his shirt going behind his neck, drawing patterns on his skin there to show him it's ok if he doesn't want to speak about it.

"Two things that bother me. One being that Max behaves strangely lately, is absent both physically and mentally a lot of the time. I don't know why and it's something I don't like." His brows are furrowed slightly, his hand un-rhythmically holding tighter and letting loose of mine. My hand goes to his cheek and I let my thumb caress his brow to bring him back to me because he seems to be lost in his thought. He looks up to me, grey eyes neutral as ever except I see a small glint of concern.

"And the second thing?" I ask him and his brow furrows again.

"It's something he said during the meeting we had after the fear landscapes. I don't want to talk about it just yet. I need to think some more." He looks at me, gauging my reaction to his answer and I smile slightly at him. I think I can live with waiting for him to come to terms before sharing it with me. He pulls me to him and kisses me lightly. I pull away and sigh when I look at the clock.

I contemplate if I want to stay with Eric, if it would be ok with myself to try this step or if I should get back to the dorms. I already said goodbye to it and I know with a certainty that Will and Chris won't be there this night, too. But Eric and I just came to an agreement with each other, just shared our feelings and I discover that things within me are still a bit sore, the pain of our fight not fully gone. But there is also the affection I harbour for him and the wholeness I experience when I am with him. I bite my lip slightly and throw away my worries, try to find my own wishes instead of the things I was programmed to have. I know I am comfortable with him around me and I enjoy our closeness, the way our bodies just fit together. I like the feeling of his hands on me and I trust him to some degree. I think I should at least try to find out how I react to sharing a bed with him.

"What are you thinking about?" He asks me, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear, the soft gesture making my heart flutter. I remember that he did that in the training room once and realise that maybe his confusion is reaching back as far as mine.

"About us. And about me. And about... I was contemplating if I could stay with you tonight. If it is alright for me and if it is alright for you as well." His gaze is calm and fixed on my eyes. I blush slightly.

"If you want to stay, you can." He simply replies and I nod. I want to stay with him tonight and maybe in a silly soupcon of happiness, lightness and feeling whole I want to stay forever.

* * *

When I wake up I feel overheated and my hair is in a mess. I push the sheets down a bit to let my upper body cool down. I am not startled to hear another person breathing behind me. I don't feel panic raise through my body to be in a foreign bed. I just feel content. I turn carefully around to watch Eric for a moment who is still asleep. This man, who is edged, hard and cold, intimidating, feeling superior in comparison to most and has sides of gentleness, softness, caring as well, is falling in love with me. I feel my stomach churn because I feel so overbearingly happy at the moment.

He lies on his back, one arm thrown over his eyes, the other on his abdomen, hand fisted in the sheet there. My eyes travel from this hand over his broad and bare chest. I stare for a moment at the piercings in his nipples, small silver spheres against his lightly tanned skin and feel my blush from yesterday night when he undressed in front of me coming back. I was a bit nervous about it. But all he radiated was calmness and nonchalance and I let it lull myself into enjoying the sight of him instead of shying away.

My gaze lifts to the tattoos on his neck. I still think that they are the most beautiful design I have ever seen. Bold, daring but not intricate or playful. Manly in a certain way. A way that responses to my side that finds his dominance and his tall and muscular frame appealing. They fascinate me like the man himself does that put up with the pain to get them. The tattoo shows the rest of the world that he is a Leader in the Faction of the Brave. That he is willing to take pain because he is proud of himself and of the life he choose when he was just sixteen years old.

In a moment of boldness flushing through me I lean forward and let my tongue and lips glide over it. I am a bit shocked at my own actions, but don't care in the next moment. It feels right to touch him, it feels right to kiss him and it feels right and amazing to experience my sensual side this way as well. His skin tastes a bit salty and the musky scent invades my nose. I stop my daring act when I hear him groan slightly feeling not bold enough to let him know what I just did. I take in his features that aren't obscured by his arm. His mouth is slightly open and I see a shadow of stubble beginning to appear on his cheeks and jaw.

I let my hand caress the skin of his chest softly, fingertips brushing over the piercings and I feel his muscles ripple under my hand. His arm moves away from his eyes that are now open in a half-lidded scowl. He looks at me for a moment before he takes my hand away from his chest and lays it down on his stomach. Eric closes his eyes for a moment and I smile as he tries to wake up a bit more.

"Hey." I whisper, holding my other hand in front of my mouth feeling self-conscious about my morning breath.

"Hey, love." His voice is raspy and I blush at the nickname. I like that he is unguarded when he wakes up. He looks at me, smiling a bit when his other hand goes to my mussed hair.

"Did you sleep well?" He asks and I am filled to the brim with affection for him and his way of showing his concern. I nod.

"Actually I don't think I have slept so well ever before. And I just woke up." He looks to the clock and sighs slightly. I follow his gaze. It isn't that late in the morning but we need to get up in the next minutes so I am punctual for my appointment with one of the Leaders. I feel a bit nervous about the meeting because I still haven't decided what I want to do in Dauntless. I pull my hand out of his and stand up, stretching my muscles. I stumble a bit over the too long sweatpants Eric gave me to sleep in and scowl a bit at the offending fabric.

"You can use the shower if you want to." Eric says without me coming up with the idea and I smile at him in thanks.

* * *

I am dressed in my own clothes again, freshly showered, holding hands with Eric on our way down to the cafeteria. He leads me over to the table where Jules sits with Marten and Leo. We greet them with nods and sit down side by side. I smile slightly at the surprised looks the twins throw us. Jules sets down a cup in front of me and I realise it's the tea I came to like so much.

"How did you know?" I ask her with a thankful smile, taking the warm mug into my hands and she just shrugs.

"I didn't. I just assumed that the two of you would join us for breakfast." She answers lightly and I feel myself blush a bit. Eric's hand is on my knee when we start breakfast, eating eggs and bacon, listening to the Dauntless around us and the way Mart and Leo banter lightly with Jules.

"Do you know which job you want to take up?" Eric asks me when he is finished with eating and I slightly shake my head.

"Well, do you prefer some jobs over others?" Jules pipes in.

"I do. I thought about Guard in the Factionless sector or a Guard at Candor. But I am not sure. I hope the meeting with one of the Leaders will help me make a decision." I answer honestly. It bothers me that I am so uncertain about such an important thing. I should have made up my mind like almost every one of the new dauntless members did when we entered the third stage of initiation. But I didn't and now I am at a loss. I don't like to be clueless about my future in the Faction I called home long before I was an official member.

"Do you know which Leader you will meet?" Jules asks and I shake my head. I don't think it will make a difference one way or another.

"She will meet Max." Eric says next to me and I look at him for a moment. I don't know where I get the idea but something tells me he isn't all too happy about it. I intertwine my fingers with his on my knee and squeeze his hand softly. Our eyes meet and for a moment I think he is grateful for my gesture. I look to a clock on one of the walls and have to squint my eyes to see the time.

"Oh, I think I should be on my way. Hope to see you later." I smile at Mart, Leo and Jules and wave goodbye. They nod in response. Eric follows my initiative and joins me as we make our way to the Leader's offices, hands intertwined again. It's strange that he is so open to show our relationship. Eric is a private man, I think. He more or less said so himself. So maybe his way of showing off our new alliance to one another has a deeper meaning? I think I will find out if I am patient enough.

* * *

The other nine new members are already in the corridor on the seventh floor when Eric and I exit the elevator. I follow him down to the third door on the right side. He lets go of my hand to search his keys in his pockets. I let my eyes stray to my friends, the atmosphere slightly tense with Eric being around. I still find it amusing that his charisma can change a whole room.

His lips brush my forehead and I look up. I meet him without shyness when he leans down to kiss me. My eyes are dazed when he pulls away, a smirk playing on his lips when he discovers my state.

"Will I see you tonight?" He asks, hand brushing away some strands from my face.

"I think so. I will meet you at your place?" Eric seems to think about it for a moment, then shakes his head.

"Let's meet in the Pit. We can go to your apartment." I nod, kiss his collarbone again and he vanishes through the door into his office. When his door is closed I turn around, going over to Uriah and the others and lean against a wall next to Peter.

"Did you get some last night?" Peter's blunt remark makes me blush and I shove him. He smirks at my red cheeks, my eyes narrowing on him. He shrugs nonchalantly.

"What? Christina and the Erudite definitely engaged in some activities." I let my eyes travel to them, Christina biting her lip and Will smiling broadly.

"Don't be mean, Peter or one might think you are jealous." I just say with a smirk on my lips. He opens his mouth to speak up but is interrupted before a sound leaves his mouth.

"Peter Hayes." It's one of the Leaders I don't know. Peter flips me off, making me chuckle then nods in our direction and enters the office.

"So, how was last night? Everything fine?" Chris pipes up, blush slightly vanishing from her face. I nod and don't hide my happy smile. She smiles in return.

"I still think it's strange that you have a thing for him and he for you if I interpret his behavior correctly." Uriah speaks up and I shrug. I think I understand where he comes from. He knows Eric longer than I do and told me not too long ago, that he is an asshole and cold. But he also said that Eric is a person one can confide in. I think I like that I know a different Eric than most of the people around me. Not too long ago I wanted to keep my feelings for him and our interactions just to myself and found it hard to speak about the things between us to Tobias, Jules or Chris. Maybe that's the reason why I don't care what other people might think about my relationship to him. It's my secret and I will fiercely protect it if I have to.

"It's not too strange when you think about it." Lynn says and I look at her puzzled. I would like to know what she thinks about it and why she thinks it isn't strange. But before I can ask her, Uriah snorts and speaks up again.

"Well, you are one to talk with this whole secret relationship you have going with Four." Lynn flips him off with a content smile on her face. I chuckle slightly.

"Just because you hadn't the balls to ask Mar out sooner doesn't mean everyone else is blind and a coward about their feelings." Lynn says, raising an eyebrow when Uriah stares at her a few seconds, a small blush clouding his cheeks. He opens and closes his mouth three times and I snort at his reaction, feeling thankful that Lynn has her way of shutting him up.

"Burn." I say and high-five with Lynn. We share a smile with one another and Uriah turns around to throw his arm around Marlene who sports a knowing smile herself, sliding her arm around her boyfriend.

"Did you get your tattoo yet?" Chris speaks up and I look at her puzzled.

"What tattoo?" I ask, brows furrowed.

"Well, as a new member in Dauntless you have to get your identification number tattooed on your neck. To identify you if your face is unrecognizable." Uriah says nonchalantly and I shiver mentally. It makes sense though.

"No, but I will go after my meeting." I answer.

"Tris Eaton." A voice says and I turn around. There stands the man who welcomed us with a few words into Dauntless. Max. The name triggers something but I push it down, square my shoulders and make my way over to him. I shortly remember Eric's reaction to Max being the Leader I would talk to and ask myself what it was about. But I don't fall into my mind to come up with maybes and ifs. I have to concentrate now and the importance of the situation comes rushing back to me. I have to decide what I want to do with my life from now on and there isn't room in my brain for speculations or Eric himself for the next minutes.

"Meet us in the Pit when you are finished, Trissy!" I nod at Uriah and vanish through the door.

* * *

The office isn't really big, but the huge window taking up the wall behind the desk, lets it appear to be endless. It's a beautiful view from here. The skyline, the sun, the clouds, the grey. I shake my head slightly to not get lost in the colours out there and take the offered seat in front of Max desk with a small thanks. He leans back in his chair, hands folded on his stomach. Before I can say anything, he starts to speak and I close my mouth, listening intently.

"Normally I would ask you now what you want to do, but seeing your results and the way you did through initiation I have something to offer." I don't know what to say to that and am slightly confused. I appreciate his straight-forwardness though and nod to him to continue.

"We all were pretty fascinated with your performance in the fear landscape. We meaning us Leaders. There is just one person with fewer fears." He smiles slightly, his stern face changing completely with this expression. There is something about the way the corners of his lips pull up and his eyes glint that makes me like him instantly.

"Yes, my brother." I look down at my hands, feeling pride for him and me, a warm smile playing at my lips. I look up when Max starts to speak again.

"Exactly. Though he doesn't want to take the Leadership position himself he has done a lot of things right under our order for the past four years." I wonder for a moment if that is the reason why Mart and Leo have seen Tobias enter the Leader's offices many times. It would be a sound explanation. And I don't think it wouldn't be too bad to work alongside Tobias. I think it would be great to have more time with him, maybe even enough time to close the rift that started to appear between us.

"So you want me to do the same or work with him?" I ask Max, leaning back against my chair as well. He shakes his head and I am confused again.

"No. I have something else in mind for the assets you showed in initiation and I read about in your school report." His voice is casual and I try to come up with ideas what he has planned for me.

"What is it?" I ask him, brows furrowed, keeping an open mind though.

"I want you to be my assistent. Learn everything from the start and maybe one day become a Leader yourself." I am surprised for a moment and his smile broadens to a grin. I think he is amused on my behalf. I clear my throat uncomfortably, trying to win a few seconds to let it sink in. I don't think I like what he offers me. I don't think I want this at all.

"I don't know if I want this. I thought about becoming a Guard actually. The position of an assistent or even a Leader isn't something I want at all." He frowns at my reply, his eyes becoming hard and this one expression changes his whole aura yet again. He isn't the person I liked just a moment ago but someone I would like to stay away from.

"Well, think about the possibilities, the things you could change for the better..." He says and I just shake my head, interrupting him in the middle of his sentence.

"I know you offer me much, but I don't want it. Thank you." I say, a bit annoyed at his attempt to convince me. I see his jaw working for a moment and I know his next words will decide my faith.

"Then this isn't an offer anymore, Tris. It's an order." His voice fits his features and I can now easily see that he is a Leader. Just looking at his face makes you realise his dominance and the superiority he feels. And I feel slightly intimidated. It isn't unlike Eric's but his attitude comes naturally to him. Eric is a dominant man and he knows that he is one of the best in the things he does. I like both things about him, enjoy it even to some degree. Max on the other hand seems to be colder, falling into the unyielding demeanour with practiced ease. It feels off about him and I think to act this way you really have to mean it. It lets the hairs at the back of my neck stand up in fear. But I feel angry, too. I don't want to play the submissive young girl and I don't want to be his assistent.

"But don't I get a say in this? I don't want to be a Leader. I think I am content with just being a member, getting some action in the field." My voice is strong and I am proud of my display though I don't feel secure in the beautiful office any longer with him acting the way he does.

"No. I demand you for this position and you will do what I say if you want to or not." His voice doesn't let any room for discussion, the decision final. And I try to school my features into neutral indifference. I don't succeed too well, my teeth baring in an animalistic way.

"Is there anything else you need to decide for me?" I know that I sound like a spoiled child but I have every right to embrace the fury inside of me. I know I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, but being pushed into a role I never even wanted in the first place makes me feel like I am back in Abnegation. Back then I couldn't decide what I wanted, I had to play a role that wasn't cut out for me and now everything repeats itself. Max could easily be Marcus. I mentally flinch at the thought, but it has merit. He acts like him as well, changing from nice, gentle and approachable to commanding and unyielding in seconds.

"Well, I have your apartment's keys and your schedule ready." My hands clench into fists at his words, his voice casual and nonchalant, laced even with humor. Not only does he command me to do something I don't want to, he also finds amusement in it – a sharp pleasure in making me do as he wishes without contemplating my own free will. Max knows that I cannot deny him if I don't want to be Factionless and I think he is aware that that would never be an option for me. I would die before I become Factionless. And using this knowledge against me just lets the rage within me burn brighter.

"Thank you." I spit right into his face, my eyes blazing with rage and I cannot control myself any longer.

"Tris, remember your place. You are a soldier now and not a rebel." His voice booms through the small office and I am slightly taken aback. I remember for a split second that Eric said something along those lines as well. But he never used this sort of voice, never nearly screamed at me. Max does though. He had raised his voice and suddenly I am aware where I am and who sits in front of me on another level. That the possibility of becoming Factionless isn't too farfetched if I don't back down now. Never in the past weeks of initiation did I consciously think about giving up or giving in. But this situation is completely different – I have to accept his power over my life. It's painful but I have to.

I take a deep breath and take the offered key and touchpad. There is a small note as well. Big, black letters state: Tris Eaton, assistent to Max Smiths, Dauntless Leader. I find Login information underneath my new 'title' and stare at it for a moment. I never had a choice. I stand up then, putting the keys into my pocket and want to flee his stupid office that has lost any appeal it had a few minutes ago. Before I was forced to become an assistent to Max. He stares at me for a moment and I wait for him to dismiss me already. But he takes a calming breath, leaning forward, forearms on his desk, hands clasped in front of him. His face changes again but I don't believe his expression anymore.

"Look, I want to give you an opportunity that not everyone gets." His voice is patronizing, making my inside freeze with cold fury. That he has the gall to speak to me as if I am a mere child... I need all my strength to nod and not jump over the desk, smashing the stupid touchpad into his face. The notion feels uncomfortable within me, burning hot through my stomach and I don't see myself anymore in the dark clouds of rage in my head. I take a deep breath. I won't let him make me forget myself. I won't be someone I am not.

"I don't want it." Is all I say, my voice calm again and in stark contrast to the war within me. I turn around, facing the door that would give me an escape from this disaster of a meeting. I just want to be alone, maybe go to the roof and scream myself hoarse because all of this doesn't feel right.

"I wasn't finished." I taste defeat in my mouth and my shoulders slump when I look at him again. I am confused to see a slight, apologetic glint in his eyes and I think I have to be mistaken because a second later they are neutral again and his looks deceived me before.

"As I said, this is an opportunity for you to do something worthwhile and in a few years when you aren't this young anymore you will appreciate it." I don't feel I could ever feel alright with the job he orders me to do. Not because I think it will be boring or beneath me or not interesting in its own way but because I couldn't make a choice and fears start to build up for this new position. I thought I was free to choose my own life when my blood sizzled on the coal. Maybe free will is an illusion and I have to accept that I was childish to think it isn't. He observes me for a moment longer, sighing at my posture maybe.

"You may go now. Don't forget your identification." He says and turns a bit away, the movement more dismissing than his words.

"Thank you." I say through numb lips, turn around and close the door without making a sound.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	36. Chapter 35

_Thanks to Torry-Riddle - best beta ever._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing - Veronica Roth does._

* * *

I enter the Pit two hours later, touchpad still under my arm, hands in the pockets of my black pants. My neck slightly burns from the new number inked into my skin – 3621. I calmed down when I started to walk around the compound again. For a moment I wished I could go outside but the pouring rain was too much trouble I didn't want to deal with. I went to the tattoo parlor instead, not speaking much and Tori sensing my mood didn't push me.

I feel slightly remorseful for letting my friends wait for so long but they don't seem to be put out. Maybe they are used to me just vanishing without an idea where I went and don't bother to ask me anymore. The thought is uncomfortable and I make up my mind that I will let them know to some degree what I am up to. It may become dangerous in the future if no one knows where I am and just chalks it up to me disappearing often without a note.

I take a relaxing breath and just appear next to Peter who is leaning with one shoulder against a wall. Peter acknowledges me first and the others nod in welcome soon after.

"It feels great, don't you think?" Will says and I am confused for a moment what makes his voice a bit higher with happiness and eagerness.

"He hasn't shut up about the jobs since we came here." Peter says when he sees my frown. I nod and sigh slightly.

"We will learn so many new things..." His comment makes me chuckle slightly because he sounds dreamy and as if he can't believe his luck. Will's display lightens my mood further with his Erudite way that I don't think he is even aware of.

"Honey, I like you very much and love to listen to you, but please shut up already." Chris speaks up, taking his hand into hers. He kisses her temple and nods, cheeks a bit red maybe realising that he has gone overboard with his excitement.

"So, what did you chose?" I ask, my voice laced with slight interest. Maybe they had the chance of a choice on their own.

"Guard in the Factionless sector with the prospect of becoming a commander one day." Peter says and I look at him. He seems to be proud and I think he loves the idea both of doing what he wanted to do anyway with an added bonus of having power over a few people. I think it appeals to his ego.

"I will work in the infirmary. And Uriah will go to the control room to work with his brother and Four learning to run the place because he made second place and I quote: 'Because the Leaders are expecting big things from me'." Marlene speaks up, chuckling softly at the last part earning her a playful scowl from Uriah. Her caring being and brave nature will come quite in handy and I can picture her as a doctor one day quite easily.

"You will be my sweet little nurse. I can see it now..." Uriah teases back and Marlene blushes to the roots of her hair, shoving him slightly but smiling brilliantly, obviously not too uncomfortable with the picture as well.

"What about you, Chris? Will?" I ask and look in their direction.

"I will overlook the simulations with the serums, working as a sort of tie to Erudite to point out things that could be improved and supervising the fear landscapes. And I will work with computers. So everything is just the way I want and where my assets can be used properly." He smiles and it's easy to see that he is really happy with the way things worked out for him.

"Yeah, you will be happy howled up in this compound." Chris quips up. Will's smile doesn't waver though and we all chuckle lightly.

"I will help in reconstructing parts of the compound. Dauntless wants to change a few things about its infrastructure, putting the rooms that were empty or just store rooms to good use. I will help plan the process, maybe even design some things. It sounded pretty interesting when Randolf told me about it in the meeting. Erudite plans to get our technology up to date as well and I am looking forward to the process." Chris' eyes are filled with eagerness and I am happy that the part of her that likes to change things for the better and working creative will be put to good use.

"So no one is going to the fence. That's a relief." I say and smile. Of course it wouldn't be a terrible job because I am still convinced that every task in Dauntless, in all the Factions really, has some merit. But going to guard the fence often means staying away from the compound for a month at least and that would mean that we wouldn't meet as much anymore.

"What about you, Trissy?" Uriah speaks up and I sigh, feeling the weight settle on my shoulders again. I chew my lip for a moment, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

"Max ordered me – yes ordered – to become his assistent, maybe even a Leader in a few years." I say and my voice doesn't hide how I feel about it. I am still angry to some degree though not as burning hot angry anymore I was back in Max' office.

"I told you so." Peter quips up and I roll my eyes at him. I wish he wouldn't have been right. I wish I would have had a choice.

"You don't sound too happy about it." Chris says, her voice careful. I snort at her words and shrug slightly.

"I am not." I reply in a huff and I feel pathetic for being so childish about it.

"Why? I mean, it's a great opportunity and I think – well, we all think – you will do great." I smile at Marlene's encouraging words, see the others nod in agreement and a powerful feeling of caring for these people, for their opinion rushes through me.

"It's not that I despise the idea. Really, when I think objectively about it, it sure is a great job with lots of different fields to work on, but I would have liked to make my own decision and I think I would have been happy to guard the Factionless just like Peter." He smirks at me and I answer him with a smile of my own.

"Well, it's wasted talent on both of your parts." Chris says easily, shrugging her shoulders.

"Hey!" Peter says and crosses his arms in front of him in defiance. I snort in amusement at his face and he scowls at me. I shove him slightly with my shoulder and he concentrates his eyes on anything than me, trying to fight the smile that is quite visible on his features though.

"Well, I will just have to wait and see, I guess." I say and finish the discussion with it.

"Did you go to your apartments yet?" I ask after a few moments and Uriah scowls at me. I am slightly taken aback, raising my brows at his reaction.

"Ignore Uri. He is just jealous." Lynn says, coming up to us.

"Why would he be?" I ask her and she smirks broadly.

"Well, because we are Dauntless-born and you aren't you are favoured in the assignment of apartments. And because there aren't many available flats at the moment we have to stay with our parents until someone dies or moves in with someone else or whatever." Lynn replies nonchalantly.

"It's easy for you. You will just move in with Four if you both are ready, but I still have to live with my mum who really is a pain in the ass sometimes... and to think I gave her a piece of my mind this morning because I thought I wouldn't go back there..." We all laugh at his pain filled face and he pursues his lips in annoyance at our reaction.

"You can always come and crash on my couch." I say easily and he throws me one of the biggest smiles I have ever seen.

"Yeah, or sleep with me in my room at my parent's." Marlene says, wiggling her eyebrows. Uriah smirks but pales a few seconds later.

"I really like the idea, babe, but I don't think ... well, with your parents next door..." Peter snorts and pipes up.

"What? Afraid to meet her father's fist when you exit her room after 'sleeping over'?" Uriah flips him off and Peter laughs at his reaction, we joining in as well.

"You haven't seen her father yet..." Uriah just mumbles, shuddering a bit and Marlene squeezes his arm in reassurance. I shake my head in amusement.

"As sorry as I feel for you guys, I want to take a look at my new apartment." I say and pull the keys out of my pockets. On the ring holding the keys together is a small piece of black leather, hackneyed by years of passing from hand to hand, the number 34 embedded into it with white paint.

"I am up to it as well!" Chris says pulling her key ring out as well.

"Do you know where I can find apartment number 34?" I ask the Dauntless-born around us and Uriah nods, taking Marlene's hand.

"Come, we will show you." He says and with that we are on our way: We will set foot into our flats for the first time but it feels like we will gain so much more than just new living arrangements.

* * *

When I enter my flat for the first time I cough lightly. The air is stale and the curtains are drawn. I find the light switch easily and the sterile light that comes to life above me hurts my eyes. I huff, go over to the windows pulling the curtains away and open them to let the fresh air after the downpour enter my new living room. I see dispersible dust dancing in the air, the sunbeams not holding the warmth of summer but bright enough to illuminate the room. I frown slightly. First thing will be cleaning this place thoroughly I decide.

"Well, it isn't much, is it?" Christina says, sitting down on the small black couch. I hear the disappointment in her voice and shrug with a small smile. It may not be much but I don't care anyway. I put my touchpad down on the table in front of the couch. On it are stains probably from glasses and cups put down on it carelessly from the person that lived here before me.

"I haven't expected anything else, really." I say and go to the counter separating the small kitchenette from the living room pushing the three barstools out of my way to lean over it. I look to the sink and the two heating plates, the steel not shining but dully grey and chalk crusting the tap and drain board. A cupboard is hanging over the small worktop. Underneath it are two cabinets. At least I will have enough room to put away all the little things I need to feel at home. I go around the counter and open the refrigerator that seems huge in comparison to the rest of the kitchenette, closing it a second later when I smell the foul stench wafting out of it. At least there aren't any old groceries in there, I say myself and don't let the state my apartment is in dim my happiness that I can call this place my own.

"I think it's slightly disheartening." Chris says, coming up to me as I make my way down a small corridor to find my bathroom.

"Well, I think you expected too much and that's the reason why you don't see the possibilities." I answer her, trying to lighten her mood a bit. We look into the bathroom. White tiling, a mirror over a normal sized sink and a shower with a door out of what appears to be glass. But I can't really tell because there is too much chalk on it.

"Eww." The sound Christina emanates from her throat over my shoulder makes me laugh and I nod in agreement. I open the door opposite to the bathroom, switching on the light because the curtains here are drawn as well. My smile broadens when Chris jumps onto the huge bed, bouncing up and down on the white mattress. At least they got a new one. I don't really care about cleaning the dirt someone else left behind but sleeping on a mattress that Dauntless knows how many people used before me lets me shiver in disgust.

"This bed is heaven. So much better than the cots." Christina says in awe and I chuckle slightly.

"Well, the cots were comfy enough, but I know what you mean." I answer her and open the big dresser to the right side of the bed. One side has a bar and a few coat hangers, the other four boards. It's twice the size I really need for my clothes I think.

"You can even do your paperwork here." Chris says, looking behind the door from her position on the bed. I go to where she looks and find a small alcove with a desk, a chair and a reading lamp in it. I love the view of it and I think with a bit cleaning I will love the small apartment I call my own. I don't feel nervous about living on my own.

"I think I will have to go down to the shops and see what they have to clean this place. You will be ok seeing your apartment on your own?" Chris snorts at my playful concern and nods. We join the others who are lounging in my living room. My living room. I like the sound of that.

"Well, it isn't as perfect as I thought it would be." Uriah says as I lock my door up. I shrug, smile still present on my face.

"I love it." I say and wave to them before I make my way down to the Pit again. I want to start as soon as possible making this place my own.

* * *

My hands are slightly red from the chemicals I used to clean the rooms with, but you can see through the glass of the door of the shower now, the coffee table is without stains and my bedroom freshly mobbed. I think that is worth the irritation I put my skin through.

I get my things from the dorm then, shortly meeting with Peter who tells me he is three doors down from my apartment and that he found the washing machine at the end of the corridor. I also know because of him that I am allowed to use the washing machine on Thursdays because there is a plan on the door that tells us so.

On my way back to my apartment I buy a few things I will need. Sheets and towels, a blanket for the couch and a plant. I don't go overboard though. I lived simple in Abnegation and I don't see the need to spend my points on too many extravagant things. Being a practical person mostly I decide that the few necessaries will be enough for the moment, shoulder my bag with my clothes and soap and head back to my flat.

I am folding my clothes to put away into my dresser when I hear the floorboards of my corridor squeak. My shoulders tense and I scowl at my forgetfulness to lock the door. I lay down the shirt I was holding and try to find a good position if I need to defend myself. When I see Eric coming into my bedroom I relax instantly and laugh softly at my own reaction.

"I waited for you in the Pit." He states calmly, looking me up and down. I frown slightly. My hair is in a messy bun, a few strands escaping the elastic.

"What time is it?" I ask him and he shows me his wristwatch. I go over to him and read the time. Ten minutes to eight. My eyes widen slightly.

"Oh, I am sorry, Eric. I didn't know it was already so late." He shrugs nonchalantly, leans down and presses his lips to mine. I sigh into our kiss, now aware how much I missed the contact, my hands grabbing the fabric of his shirt to pull myself closer to him. He bites my lower lip and I hiss shortly in a mixture of surprise and pain. Eric pulls away then, a satisfied smirk on his lips.

"Don't forget it again." I nod, sucking my lip into my mouth to sooth the slight pain. I like the way he uses this way to get a point across. It's appealing and I feel hot for a moment. I think it's the side of me again that likes it when he is dominant and maybe a bit rough. His hand comes up, pulling my lip free and gently presses his to mine again, his tongue moving against my bottom lip leisurely alleviating the painful bite. I sigh when he pulls my head against his chest, his fingertips dancing along my spine.

"I missed you." I say, eyes still closed. His breath is hot on my forehead and I ignore the uncomfortable feeling in my toes for standing up on them for too long. He doesn't respond just slides his arms around me and holds me tight for a moment. I think it's his way of reciprocating my words and it's enough for me.

He takes my hand in his and leads me to the counter. I discover that he brought food and smile at him in thanks, feeling a warm emotion embrace my heart at his thoughtfulness. I take two plates and forks with me and join him taking the barstool next to his. His hand instantly finds my knee, brushing my thigh with his fingertips. I relax and start to unwrap our food to deposit some of it on our plates.

"How was your meeting?" He asks me casually and I feel angry again. Instead of waiting for an answer he starts to eat, chewing his rice and meat leisurely. I am grateful he gives me a moment to compose myself, to think about an answer.

"Well, to put it frankly, I was seething with rage when I exited Max' office." I say, taking up my fork only to push my food from one side to the other.

"How so?" Eric asks, looking at me calmly.

"Apparently the Leaders – including you – decided that it would be in my best interest to not let me decide what I want to do but make the decision for me, taking away my choice and making me as of tomorrow the assistant of Max. As if I was a child that couldn't make her own decisions." I look him square in the eyes then, not holding back the anger I feel at the situation though it dimmed down with time and the distraction of making my apartment livable. He raises an eyebrow at my display.

"At the moment you behave like one." He points out calmly and I feel my cheeks turn red because I know he is right to some degree and I feel ashamed I still haven't figured out to control my reaction. I sigh when he squeezes my knee and nod to let him know that he is right. He smiles for a short moment and starts to speak again.

"And I didn't decide anything. As far as I know it was Max' decision alone. I wasn't fully aware he made up his mind. I just heard rumors." Eric explains and I feel myself calm down a bit more. It would have been painful if Eric had a part in this mess.

"I am glad you have nothing to do with it, then." I say and start to eat slowly. We stay quiet until we are finished with our meal and sit down on the couch, I curled up against his side, his long legs pushed out in front of us. It's nice to see him relaxed and I enjoy the emotions it evokes in me.

"Apart from it not being your own choice, what do you think about it?" He asks after a while, his right hand pulling softly at the ends of my hair I let down after our meal. I hum softly at the feeling and think about an honest answer.

"I don't know what to expect. I had hoped to be out and about, be active, guarding the Factionless sector. Now I am afraid of being howled up in a small office without a window, typing away on a computer. I am afraid to do stupid calculations, proofreading speeches...," I sigh for a moment, squinting my eyes and convincing myself I can be open to him "and I am afraid that I have to meet the other Faction' Leaders, have to interact with them." I stay silent then, pressing my face into his shirt and try to absorb as much of his scent and heat to stay calm and not panic at the last thought.

"Your father." He simply says and I nod. We haven't talked about my fear landscape yet and some part of me had hoped that we wouldn't need to. But it was naive to think that. We try to build a relationship and something as important as my past couldn't be just ignored.

"Will you show me your back?" He asks suddenly and I am slightly taken aback. I look up to him and don't find pity in his eyes, just slight curiosity. Eric emanates calmness and reassurance.

"Now?" I ask and he shrugs.

"It's your decision." He says and I smile slightly because he doesn't make a fuss out of it and lets me take steps in my own time. I think for a moment if I am ready for it, but there isn't much to contemplate anyway. He knows where my scars come from, he has seen me stand up to my own abusive father even if it was just in a simulation and he still kisses me without holding back, embraces me with powerful arms and likes me though he knows I am broken to some degree. He treats me like a grown-up and not something that is about to break.

I turn around then, taking the hemline of my tank top in both hands and pull it up to my shoulders. The coldness of my apartment lets me shiver for a moment but it soon vanishes when his hands start to travel my skin, his thumb stroking a few of my scars. I think it's the first time that someone sees my tattoo and with it the marks underneath them apart from Tori and Peter. Tori obviously made it and Peter saw it by accident after I was attacked by Al. It's something special to share it with someone out of my own free will and I am happy that it is Eric.

He continues to touch my back, his rough hands gliding over soft skin and scar tissue alike. I feel him move behind me and my breath hitches when I feel first his breath and then his mouth on my left shoulder blade. I lean forward a bit more and he puts a leg around me, encasing me. His lips leave my skin then, his fingers trailing along the ivy down to my hips, pulling the tank top down as well. He gently pulls me back against him, his arms closing around my waist, my arms aligning with his.

Eric doesn't comment on the things he saw, doesn't say that he is sorry for what happened to me and I am thankful for it. It seems he knows that I don't want him to. It's as if he is instinctively aware that I wouldn't want anyone to feel pity for the abuse I had to go through, to feel sorry for the father I have. It's amazing how in tune he is with the things I feel. Maybe it's because of that he holds me tight to him, letting me feel his strong body beneath me, his calm breath against my back, and his powerful heartbeat against mine.

"Will you stay with me for tonight?" I ask him after a while, my head comfortable against his collarbone, his lips randomly meeting my temple and hair.

"I planned on it." I smile up at him, meeting his mouth with mine when he leans down. It's nice to share these small touches and it surprises me again how content and not in the slightest bit afraid I am of him and his way of showing me his affection and attention. I yawn a bit when we pull apart and he lets me stand up out of our comfortable position on the couch. I take up the touchpad and the note that came with it.

Eric sits up then, pulls me down next to him and starts to show me what I have to do. Instinctively I know which button to press and how to access my schedule for the days to come. It seems my work as an assistant for the next weeks includes completing different stations in other jobs. I have to go to the control room for four weeks where a person named Kent will supervise me. Then I have to observe the guards at the fence for three weeks, getting to know their daily routine. A woman named Lizz is my appointed teacher. After that I am giving a two weeks course in paperwork. I scoff for a moment. Paperwork is such a random word it could involve anything from sorting through folders to calculating the next food order for the Faction. I don't find a person that will teach me. After the paperwork week I will again leave the compound to stay with the guards of the Factionless sector until Christmas rolls around. After that my schedule is empty but it's actually quite freeing to see it.

I am not a person to plan ahead too much and the work Max put up for me is quite overwhelming. I feel a bit disheartened to be away so much, apparently leaving the compound throughout the week to fulfill my instructions. It's strange that I never thought of being away from the compound when I thought about my decision to pick a job. It didn't cross my mind then and maybe the development with Eric, the schedule that is put before me and me coming to terms with it slowly changed my view and lets me see the things I ignored beforehand. Now I feel a bit of sadness inside of me thinking to stay away so often. It means to see Eric less, to see my friends less and I don't like the idea too much.

"It seems I will be out and about for the next weeks then." I say lightly and try to hide my thoughts from Eric. But he sees right through me, pushes my hair away from my neck and kisses it. His slightly raw lips and his warm breath make me shiver in pleasure. I sigh softly, my shoulders relaxing a bit. I wasn't even aware they had tensed up.

"I know I said I want to be a Guard or something but I wasn't aware of the consequences... with everything being the way it is at the moment I don't think I want to leave..." I whisper and I feel Eric nod against my skin, his arm that is around me squeezing my hip in reassurance.

"We will see each other, don't worry." He calmly says and I believe him. I turn around, pulling his face away from my neck and plant my lips on his, letting him know through our kiss how much his words, how much he means to me. I am breathless when we pull apart and I press my forehead against his shoulder.

"Let's get to bed. Your day starts early and you need your rest. The work in the control room gets boring pretty quickly." He says gently, pulling me up with him and I just follow him into the bedroom. I take a change of clothes to the bathroom and emerge ten minutes later. Eric lays shirtless under the covers, waiting for me patiently, his jacket, shirt, pants and socks draped over my chair orderly. I like that he is tidy and it adds up to the list of things I appreciate about him.

I curl into him, enjoy the feelings of his arms around me. His skin is hot against my cheek, my arms going around him to pull myself closer to him our legs intertwining. I let my nails lightly scrape over the skin on his back and enjoy the rumble in his chest, reverberating in mine.

"Tris." He says and I look up, slightly confused about the sound of his voice. His eyes are closed for a moment before he looks down. There is an intensity in his gaze I have never seen before.

"I enjoy this very much. Too much. So I advise you to refrain from it as long as you aren't ready for the consequences." He says, his voice slightly detached from an otherwise sensitive comment and I nod, before burring my face against him again. I am not ashamed of the things I make him feel, don't blush and don't feel uncomfortable. I just add this new knowledge about his preferences to my drawer with the plate Eric on it in my mind. I fall asleep a little later, breathing Eric in, absorbing his heat, calm breath and all around secure feeling.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	37. Chapter 36

_Thanks to Torry-Riddle - best beta ever._

_A/N: Sorry for the late update. Real life happened. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for all the reviews/favorits/follows. Let me know what you think?_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing - Veronica Roth does._

* * *

When I open my eyes I find the bed empty next to me and discover that Eric is already showering. He is an early riser just like me. I try to ignore the comfortable warmth of the covers that smell of him and me and convince myself that it's time to get ready for the day ahead of me. I have to meet Kent from the control room at 7:30 am and want to reread the information on my pad, maybe even get a short moment with Eric before we are separated for the day again.

So I push back the covers and stretch my arms above my head. I put my feet on the ground, the coldness of the floorboards waking me up a bit more. After straightening the covers of my bed I go into my kitchenette to boil water for tea, put down two mugs on the counter and a tea can that has seen better days. But I cleaned the dishes thoroughly yesterday and don't mind the used appearance. It has a charm on its own. I slightly shiver in my thin tank top and think about having to speak to the janitor of my floor. Maybe my heating unit isn't working properly and its October already.

As I stand against the counter to wait for the water I remember that I haven't put any towels into the bathroom yet and make my way to the things I brought yesterday. Pulling out a towel I put it down in front of the bathroom door and enter my bedroom to get dressed for the day. I braid my hair when I hear the door of my bathroom open and close again.

I hear the kettle and prepare the tea for Eric and me. This simple task has a comfortable quality to it. It's something I remember doing in Abnegation early in the mornings before I had to pretend again and live in fear from my father. Though I never had a happy home life I enjoyed the small things like preparing breakfast for me and even brewing the coffee for father, liking the fact that my hands got to do something so my mind could get lost in other things. And brewing the tea for Eric and I has a homey feeling to it I embrace tightly.

"Hey love." He says as he comes out of the bathroom, hair still a bit wet. He leans down and kisses my temple while I take the tea bag out of the can and let it fall into the sink to clean later. I fill our two mugs and push one of it to him.

"Thank you." He says, his voice still a bit raspy from sleep even though he already showered and brushed his teeth.

"I will be right back." I say and vanish into the bathroom to get ready myself. The air smells of Eric, the soap he uses and I see a small bag next to my things on the washbasin. It makes a happy flutter appear in my stomach and I start to brush my teeth and wash my face with a content smile on my lips. When I get back to the living room, Eric sits at the counter again, sipping his tea and concentrates on the touchpad in front of him. I take the stool next to him, taking my cup into my hands to let the heat seep into my fingers.

"Everything alright?" I ask him in a low voice when I see him frown at the things he reads on his device.

"Yes. Just the usual meetings with the instructors from initiation to wrap up everything. Afterwards some paperwork and more get together with a few members to discuss their working load and see what they need help with." He answers, turning on his stool to face me.

"Sounds boring." I say lightly and he nods.

"It is. But running a Faction isn't always fun. Its hard work, needs thorough planning, and I think you will understand better when you start to work with Max in a few weeks." He explains and I nod. It's strange that it never crossed my mind how random the things a Faction Leader has to deal with are. But thinking of it now I guess an organisation always needs people who take care of everything from the things that need to be bought, to the cleaning of the public places and the things in between that aren't visible to most members. I sigh and feel a slight interest awakening in me. Maybe I will learn to accept this job and even find things I like.

I turn to Eric, meeting his eyes and get lost in their grey. I am surprised that I like the colour so much now when all I ever wanted as a child and young teenager was to flee the grey around me. Abnegation was suffocating me, but his eyes they feed a flame within me that burns for the person they belong to, for the life I chose for myself and the things that lay ahead. It's as if he makes me even more alive than I thought I was when I entered Dauntless six weeks ago. I put down my nearly empty cup on the counter and let my hand go to his cheek, my fingertips lightly caressing it. He closes his eyes for a moment and I smile at his display of content. It feels good to be the reason of this side of him.

A few moments later he takes my hand in his and pulls me up with him. I enjoy our difference in height for a second, that he needs to lean down and I need to stand on my tiptoes to meet in a kiss. Our lips brush against each other, his a big raw and I enjoy the friction it causes on mine. It's just a small touch but I feel it to the sole of my feet.

"Let's go down to eat something." He says against my cheek and I nod, take my touchpad and put it into a pocket of my jacket.

* * *

We share a silent meal, both lost in the things we read on our devices. According to my schedule I have to meet Kent on the 8th floor and I remember that I was there before. I smile at the memory because I was so intimidated from Eric and tried desperately to hide it that I forgot everything else I saw there. I am brought out of my thoughts when someone calls my name.

"Trissy!" I look up to find Uriah in front of our table. Eric doesn't even react to him. I look at my boyfriend thoughtfully for a moment, noting how he is distant and cold, his eyes hard, and his body emitting intimidation. It's a bit strange seeing him like this again when I got used to him being warm and calm around me for the last days. But I brush it off and concentrate on my friend remembering what Eric told me when we had the talk two nights ago.

"Hey Uriah. Good to see you." I say and smile at him. His face splits into a smirk and I can feel a stupid remark coming on.

"I know." He says, wriggling his eyebrows. I roll my eyes at him and he sits down chuckling though throwing uncertain glances in Eric's direction. Eric looks up from his touchpad and answers Uriah's stiff nod with a raised eyebrow. There is a sudden tension in his shoulder and I look from him to Uriah. Eric's hand intertwines with mine that laid comfortably on his thigh and I let my eyes look at him inquiringly. His hold is a bit tighter than normal. He turns his face to mine, keeping an eye on Uriah with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he kisses me hard on the lips. I feel my toes curl at the contact and close my eyes instinctively losing myself in the pressure and heat, forgetting everything around me for a moment. Eric pulls away, planting a softer kiss at the corner of my mouth and stands up, leaving me dazed. I furrow my brows at his sudden departure and miss his lips on mine already.

"I have to go. I will pick you up when your shift is finished." I nod, a dumbfounded expression on my face and follow him with my eyes when he walks to the exit of the cafeteria, his steps intimidating and dominant. I frown slightly, shrug it off though and turn back to Uriah. His expression is comically, eyes widened a bit, his lips pursed.

"Possessive much?" Uriah asks under his breath. I raise an eyebrow at him in question, he rolls his eyes at me this time and suddenly Eric's behavior makes sense. I can't suppress the happy smile and the warm feeling within me. I clear my throat and take a sip from my water, trying to concentrate on my friend instead of the bubbles in my stomach. Uriah relaxes a bit, his warm, brown eyes meeting mine.

"Actually I was going to look for you after breakfast. It seems that we will work together for the next four weeks." I say and effectively draw his attention away from Eric's display.

"What do you mean you are going to work with me? I thought Max ordered you to be his assistant." He asks, scratching his cheek lightly and stealing a grape from my plate. I get a grip of his wrist in time and he looks at me surprised at my reflexes. I smirk at him and he smiles back.

"Apparently it's crucial for my future job to know the workings of different organisations within Dauntless. So I will work in the control room for four weeks, go to the fence for three, getting educated in the paperwork aspect of my job and even work in the Factionless sector." I hear the excitement in my own voice and slowly realise that I really look forward to all of these things. I hope I will be able to continue working in the different jobs even when my main task is to help Max with whatever he is up to.

"Sounds really interesting. And I am happy that you will work with me." He says and we smile at each other. Someone drops down next to me and I look up to find Peter. I shove him lightly in greeting and he grunts in reply throwing a not even there nod into Uriah's general direction.

"Not a morning person?" I ask lightly, smirking at his half lidded eyes. He sighs and runs a hand over his face.

"It's not that. I didn't sleep too well. Didn't you hear the loud music?" He asks, yawning and I shake my head. I slept comfortably, curled up into Eric where nothing can reach me.

"I went to bed early." I reply easily and he looks at me for a second. His mouth curves into a sly smile, his eyes glinting with a new awareness and I stiffen a bit.

"With a certain Leader keeping you company and warm throughout the night I am sure." Peter says, his voice laced with amusement and teasing. I roll my eyes, cheeks lightly colouring.

"Yes, actually Eric was there. And don't look at me like that." My voice is matter-of-fact and I pinch his cheek. He scowls at me before taking up his fork to start eating his oatmeal.

"So, what's that I hear about you going to the Factionless Guards? Do I have to fear that I will have to work with you?" He shoves a forkful of egg into his mouth, smirking at my angry glare.

"It's part of her instruction as an assistant to Max." Uriah pipes in, smiling at our antics. I think our behavior is shocking to most people that knew our early interactions, the insults Peter threw my way and my suspicion that Peter was the one to attack Edward. We found a common ground easily enough though, bonding over fighting each other and I think it speaks for Peter's character that his respect and friendship isn't earned easily.

"Oh. So I will see you again." Peter says and doesn't seem to be indifferent about it. I am glad that he seems to reciprocate my feelings when it comes to our relationship. Knowing him the way I do – if at all really – it would have been possible that he doesn't care for my company or friendship at all.

"Yes, for a few weeks. When do you leave? And do you know when you will be back?" I ask, playing with the grapes on my plate, eyes concentrating on the fruits in front of me. I don't want to appear clingy but I know I fail when Peter speaks up again.

"Already missing me, Six?" He asks, his voice laced with mocking. The use of this new nickname doesn't sit right with me and I shove him again, laughing a bit when his elbow and hand he was holding his head up with slip from the table. Uriah snorts at Peter's face who tries to play it cool and picks up a slice of bread.

"Always so violent," he mutters and I roll my eyes at his tone "and I won't be back for the next few weeks. My instructor wasn't really specific..." He sounds nonchalant. Out of the corner of my eyes I see his glinting with eagerness and content.

"So no more sparing..." I pout a bit and Peter nods thoughtfully. He seems to be as sad about it as I am.

"I am sure you will find someone else to use as a punching bag." He replies, voice light then and I nod, staying silent. I look at my touchpad then and stand up, brushing off some crumbs from my breakfast.

"Take care." I whisper to Peter and he nods once. His shoulders are relaxed, his eyes staring ahead of him and he doesn't say anything in return. He doesn't need to because I am aware that this friendship that is different to the bond he shared with Molly and even Drew is a bit uncomfortable for him. I find myself wondering if he ever experienced something like friendly care or worry from anyone around him. I think no one is just cold and insults on sight without a reason and maybe it wasn't his fault that he behaved the way he did the first few weeks. I look to Uriah then.

"We should be going. I want to be on time and who knows how this Kent guy is as a person and instructor." Uriah nods and in a gentleman gesture takes my tray with him. I chuckle lightly and follow him. I throw a glance back at Peter who meets my eyes, small smile without an arrogant streak on his face. I smile back, nod in his direction and go a bit faster to catch up to Uriah. Yes, I think, these next weeks will be interesting.

* * *

Uriah and I meet up with Kent in front of the control room. He is a tall guy, but not broad shouldered and wears glasses. His hair is uncommonly short, nearly as short as the boys in Abnegation and Erudite wear their hair. It's a bit strange to see him in Dauntless black when he appears to be so stuck up and something I can only dub as Erudite-ish.

I find myself frowning at his appearance asking myself how someone like him could make it through initiation when men like Peter and Uriah were struggling with some parts of it, when I had so many difficulties succeeding and had to train nonstop to even make it through first stage. When he opens his mouth though I am made aware that my first impression was wrong again, like it was so many times before. His posture changes completely when he speaks, demanding attention and lets me intently listen to every word he says. His voice is clipped and sharp to the point. He doesn't take nonsenses, says so himself and proves it when his face doesn't change one bit when Uriah makes an amusing remark I can't suppress my chuckle in response to.

Kent leads us around the floor, shows us the debriefing room, the control room itself and a few offices. The latter are dimly lit, with big screens and a strange looking keyboard in front of them. Kent explains that these are used to cut the footage we collect and to investigate the things that seem suspicious. He lets us press some buttons, turn some wheels and points out how to replay certain scenes, zoom in on them and sent them to the head of the control unit for further investigation. Uriah seems to be fascinated with the possibilities and I think he will fit right into the team.

The team we meet later in the morning when the shifts change. The early morning shift that starts around one a.m. explains what has happened on their watch, if there is anything the next shift has to look out for and gives their reports to a woman from the city watch. I find it interesting that inner organisation works so well in Dauntless and I am fascinated at the practiced ease and competence information are passed to the persons who need to know them.

I always thought Dauntless is about the kick you get for daring something no one else does, to be brave and fearless, take life as it comes, having fun. Of course I was aware right from the beginning that my task as a Dauntless member is to protect the city and the people living in it. But the consequences and seriousness haven't been this tangible ever before. This isn't about what if's anymore like it was when we shot the gun for the first time. I don't contemplate hypothetically. It's real and I am in the middle of it.

I feel myself square my shoulders, concentrate more on the meeting Uriah and I sit through and start to see the control room team as something else entirely. They are our eyes, keep tabs on important things, the movements of the Factionless, the things outside of the Fence and keep us aware of anything out of order. Without them Dauntless would be blind, all of the Factions would be and the Guards in the Factionless sector and at the Fence in much higher danger. I now find myself appreciating the work they do and cherish it on a whole new level.

Uriah next to me seems to feel the same because his eyes are aware, glancing from one speaking person to the next, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. I think we both underestimated this unit and I feel silly for just realising its importance.

When lunch rolls around my neck is slightly painful because I was on my guard the whole time, trying to take in as much as possible. Uriah and I enjoy a healthy meal, not eating too heavy because we want to stay focussed for the next half of our shift. Kent said that we will read some documents, manuals really that will explain the technique of the monitoring system and start to work in the main unit shortly after. I look forward to it, the task itself maybe boring but my new knowledge and perception of the work we will do easily outweighing that point.

* * *

Uriah and I stay mostly silent when Kent gives us the material to read through. We exchange short explanations when one of us has a question, otherwise concentrate on memorizing the different things we may encounter working in the control room with the high end technique Erudite provides us with.

Two hours later Kent picks us up to introduce us to our shift we stay with for the next weeks. I am happy that Zeke is part of the shift and the other three guys appear to be quite alright as well. Kent shows us how to log in in our assigned work stations and explains which part of the city we will have to watch and why we are organized to stay on the same parts for the most time.

"If you know the area you see inside out it will be more likely for you to discover when something is amiss and you will be more alerted then anyone who watches it for the first time. The team members change their area every three months though. On one hand it is to make it a more enjoyable job, the other being that you are more likely to overlook some things after this amount of time, putting on blinders and don't recognize the warning signs we talked about earlier. Erudite helped us evaluate the procedure and we came up with this solution." Kent says, his voice sure and strong. I nod and start to draw the windows a bit bigger to adjust them to the areas I need to watch.

"Are there cameras in the compound as well?" Uriah speaks up on my left side and Kent nods his head. My interest strays from the grey screens to our instructor.

"In the corridors, public places. There was a discussion once to put some up in the apartments and mostly private areas as well, but it never came to it. Dauntless knows how on edge you would feel knowing that someone could easily watch you the whole day." Kent says and I have to agree with him. Safety is important but being monitored 24/7 no matter where you go would be too much.

"If there aren't any more questions I will come and get you two to give me your report when your time is up. If you need anything feel free to ask the guys or call me if they don't know how to help you." Uriah and I nod again and start to watch the screens in front of us. Mine shows the Candor complex and a few parts of the Factionless sector. I am afraid that I miss out on something and try to keep my eyes on everything the whole time. Someone steps up between Uriah and me an hour later, chuckling softly. We both look up, seeing Zeke standing there, cup in hand and smirking at us.

"You both need to relax. I know you are nervous and that this is important, but most of the time nothing much happens and if you keep up like that you need to see a physical therapist soon what with your backs and necks rigid the whole time." I smile slightly and nod, leaning back a bit and let the tension from my back and shoulders slide away. I cringe a bit when I try to massage my shoulder and find a painful knot there.

"I thought Four was working with you, Zeke. I haven't seen him all day." Uriah speaks up, scrolling into some movements on one of his monitors and leaning forward to get a better view.

"He isn't around most of the time nowadays. Kent said he has some important things to take care of and I won't ask." Zeke replies casually and I frown a bit. I was looking forward to working with Tobias, getting to know his working attitude and maybe learn how he sees his work here. And I find it strange that Zeke is so casual about it. I don't know the normal proceedings with something like this and maybe I interpret too much into it but Mart and Leo's conversation comes back to my mind, strengthening my impression that something is off about Tobias' activities.

"Why don't you ask?" I ask, trying to keep my voice casual. I look up to Zeke and it is his turn to frown slightly. In the next second he shrugs nonchalantly, takes a sip out of his cup and answers, voice neutral.

"Hm... if he doesn't want to share on his own I am ok with that. And besides I am not his boss. Kent is and if he doesn't complain I won't." I am a bit confused though. I know now that Max and the other Leaders give Tobias some tasks to take care of but I didn't think it would take up most of his time. It makes me wonder what he is exactly up to if he isn't in the control room and I make up my mind to ask him as soon as I have the opportunity. I cringe slightly aware that we don't see each other as often and I find a supportive wound in me when I think about the way we don't talk anymore, interact really. It's painful and I feel my face fall into a sad expression, heart heavy.

Zeke goes back to his monitors and we stay silent throughout the rest of our shift. I try to concentrate on the screens in front of me, making sure to not let my mind wander back to Tobias for the time being. It won't help to let my thoughts circle around him. It will just serve one goal: making me depressed like I wasn't since Visiting Day.

* * *

When Kent enters the room, Eric follows him and they seem to be in a conversation, Eric nodding to the things Kent explains with a few gestures to the monitors and pointing out on his clipboard. I find myself drawn to the way Eric acts around anyone other than his friends and me. He listens respectfully but his whole posture speaks of strength and dominance. His muscular arms are crossed in front of him, his stance relaxed and alert at the same time. I lick my lip unconsciously. His eyes are a special sort of grey, like the polished steel of a shield – hard and glistening. He is aware and paying close attention. My gaze lingers at his throat, at the way his neck moves when he speaks, his tattoos dark against his skin and I remember our first morning together when I tasted him there. I shake my head slightly to push away my thoughts.

My eyes meet Eric's for a moment and I blush slightly because he caught me staring. He smirks and I turn around again biting my lip. Uriah chuckles next to me and I flip him off, making him chuckle harder.

"You are really in love with him, aren't you?" He says randomly, a mixture of teasing and seriousness in his voice. I don't know what to say to that, because of course I have a crush on him and wherever I look he is the most handsome man I have ever seen, but I still know so little about him. Maybe I am in love with him or I am in love with the idea of him. All I can say is that I enjoy every moment we shared until now and that's enough for the time being. I shrug my shoulders and thank Dauntless Uriah doesn't say anything more on the subject. We start to write our reports soon later, finding the forms for it on our desktops. I open an example how a report has to look like and start typing away on my keyboard.

Zeke comes over again, reading our reports and tells us to print them additionally to sending it off to the supervisor. He shows us where the printer is and together we make our way back to our working stations, packing up our stuff and tidying our desks for the next shift.

I log out of my station and follow the other guys from my team to the debriefing room. The shift that takes over after us is already seated and I smile when I see Mart, Leo and Lynn sitting together at one side of the desk. I sit down, greet the three of them with a tired but happy smile and they answer with whispered hellos and smiles of their own.

The debriefing doesn't take too long, nothing out of the ordinary happened and soon enough we are dismissed. Our shift begins at nine the next day and I am grateful that maybe I am able to get some training done before I have to sit the whole day again the next morning. I feel a heaviness in my muscles that has nothing to do with exercising and I don't like it. I may not be an initiate anymore and no one will test my abilities again, but I don't want to start slagging off now. And I miss the special exhaustion I felt after pushing myself to my limits. It was freeing to control my own tiredness, to see myself getting better and I make up my mind that I will make room for training at least two hours a day. Maybe Eric will join me and show me a few more tricks with the weights.

I lean outside against a wall of the conference room and wait for Eric to appear, feeling groggy. He still was in conversation with a few members of the other team and I hinted at waiting for him here. I wave at Uriah and Zeke when they go down the corridor, talking animatedly about Uriah's first day. Tobias enters my mind again and I flinch at the thought of him. I miss him and after all the small things I heard I am worried as well. There isn't a real reason to worry but it's a foreboding feeling that overshadows my thoughts when I think about his activities that no one expect the Leaders know about.

An arm slides around my shoulders, pulling me away from the wall and I lean into Eric, head on his chest and breathe in calmly. He leans down and kisses me above my ear, whispering a 'hey babe'. I smile up at him half-heartedly and he raises an eyebrow. To placate him I stand on my tiptoes and press a chaste kiss to his mouth convincing myself that I need to stop thinking about the concerns for my brother's well-being. I wasn't convincing enough because he speaks up when we make our way to the elevator.

"What is it?" I bite my lip for a moment, catching his eyes on my profile but I don't dare to look up. I just sling my arm around him and school my features into an easy, neutral expression.

"Nothing. Everything's fine. I am just exhausted." He raises an eyebrow again, nods slightly and I think for a moment that he doesn't believe me bracing myself against another question. But he doesn't ask and I breathe a silent breath of relief. I don't know why I don't want to talk about Tobias to him, I just know it doesn't feel right.

* * *

"Food or bed?" He asks as we wait for the elevator to appear and I hear a small hint of amusement in his voice at my display of tiredness. I am glad that he seems to be relaxed making me calm in advance, stopping my thoughts. I breathe in his scent, his arm around me helping me put one foot in front of the other. I am surprised I am so tired all of the sudden even though I just sat in front of a monitor for the last two hours. Maybe I have to get used to this new occupation, have to adjust to my schedule.

I know I let myself dependent on him to some degree at the moment and try to shut the part of my brain up that feels uncomfortable with depending on anyone. It's strange that my mind and body have nothing against him being near me, touching and kissing me. I even felt comfortable to let him see my back. But when it comes to letting him see my weakness after nothing more than a taxing day my trust issue raises its ugly head and makes me aware that another person takes care of me again and I am freaking dependent. I take a calming breath, trying to get a grip on myself and answer him honestly.

"Food, then bed with you if possible." I reply, yawning and leaning a bit more into him, my arm around his waist, my fingertips brushing randomly against his six-pack. He nods and takes me down to the cafeteria, guiding me to a table. As best as I can I try to ignore the feelings inside of me, try to tell myself that there is a time for it later and wishing that I wasn't too tired to go training after supper. I think if I could push myself through my exercises I wouldn't feel a tight knot in my stomach that lets me feel uneasy and on edge.

I want to protest when he pushes me down on the bench but he just gives me one of his looks and I give in, fisting my hands in my lap. He smirks at me, then turns around and gets us something to eat. I still scowl when he sits down next to me, pushing a bowl of soup and a plate with bread in front of my face and points to it. I feel angry and I don't know why.

"Eat." Is all he says and I pick up my spoon after a few seconds, trying to calm myself but not succeeding. I don't understand myself.

I stay silent and don't react to his hand that tries to grab mine under the table. I go so far as to pull it away and put it on the table between us. There is no need to look at him to know what he feels at my display, tensing next to me and looking in my direction with narrowed eyes. I don't know why I am riled up about a cute gesture like getting me something to eat all of the sudden. Maybe my thoughts about Tobias and the long day in the control room have me more on edge then I thought and pushing my thoughts about dependence away is a lot of work, too. I just feel angry and can't find a reason myself.

"What is it?" He asks again, his voice laced with a bit anger at my blunt rejection of contact. I can't blame him and sigh heavily. I don't know what to say and stay quiet, chewing my bread after dipping it into the soup.

"I asked you something and I don't feel like repeating myself for the third time." He has put down his fork and knife and I try to answer his narrowed eyes with my own, only to find myself unable to. I just look over his shoulder. Eric isn't patient and I know that much but I am still slightly surprised when he grabs my chin and pulls my face so that I can't do anything to avoid his eyes anymore.

"I already told you I had an exhausting day." I try this approach again but the hard edge around his mouth tells me that I won't be left of the hook so easily again. I turn my face away and he lets go of it, his hand clenching into a fist. I stare at it for a moment, laying between us and try to find the calmness in my mind to stop the angry knot in my stomach from turning and letting me act this way with the man I like so very much.

"I don't believe you. If you don't want to talk about it have the guts to say so." I hear the strain in his voice to keep calm and I am sorry to put him through this. I want to share my sudden anger with him, try to come up with an explanation together but something holds me back and I grit my teeth. I think I was silent for too long because he stands up, his meal only halfway eaten. I look up to him and I think there is pain and regret in my eyes.

"Get your shit together and talk to me. I won't play hot and cold with you again." He simply states, his voice calm but there is also a certain coldness and determination in it. Without a look back he leaves me alone at the table, soup gone cold and I am freezing as well. I try to be angry that he just walked off but I am realistic enough to know that it doesn't matter. I wouldn't have said anything because I can't decipher my emotions at the moment and I feel like crying. His back moving away from me is more painful than anything else I experienced so far because I know it's my own fault.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	38. Chapter 37

_Thanks to Torry-Riddle - best beta ever._

_A/N: Sorry AGAIN for the late update. Real life happened. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for all the reviews/favorits/follows. Let me know what you think?_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing - Veronica Roth does._

* * *

Although I am emotionally exhausted I toss and turn in my bed for the whole night. I think I drifted off a few times only to wake up what feels like minutes later, grabbing the space next to me to find it empty. It's strange that I would do so because I can't imagine anyone being so accustomed to another person sleeping with him or her after just two nights. But I can't deny that I am looking for him on the other side of my bed, searching his heat and missing it. Maybe because we more or less fought it makes me act this way because I am afraid that I messed up badly. I try to go back to sleep for the sixth time that night, try to ignore the feeling in my stomach and the disgust I feel for my behavior. It was unfair because Eric didn't do anything wrong and the problem is on my shoulders alone.

I try to suppress everything but I can't deny to myself that I wish Eric would be here with me. I sigh into the darkness of my bedroom, looking at my touchpad to know what time it is. Four in the morning. I don't think there is any chance for me to get more rest so I stand up, throw on sweatpants and a tank top and put my hair into a high ponytail. When I look into my mirror I need to close my eyes in shame for a moment. My eyes are dull, dark circles under them and my mouth drawn into a hard line. I don't like the sight in front of me one bit, turn away from it and go to my kitchenette to grab something to drink.

I don't let my eyes stray to the counter or the couch because my first memories were of Eric and me sitting together, enjoying each other's company in a silent and calming way. I need to get out of here, I think when I feel a lump in my throat, take my bottle and leave my flat.

* * *

My feet lead me to the training hall I so often found myself in on the mornings when I still was an initiate. I need a moment to find the light switch but afterwards I just concentrate on everything around me. The puddles on the concrete floor are bigger from the rain in the last days and the air is freezing cold. I start to jog around the hall, let myself get lost in the burning of my lungs, the cold airstream making my eyes tear up. I brush them away with the backs of my hands and run faster, push forward and do two additional rounds, stumbling slightly when I come to an end, muscles in my legs burning, sweat soaking my tank top.

I stretch my muscles, trying to get my breathing to calm down and go to the weight lifting station, using more weight to make my muscles in my arms, back and stomach burn with hot fire. But I enjoy it and feel calm the only sound around me the dripping of the water from above me and my own ragged breathing.

Afterwards I go to the punching bag, falling into a rhythm of kicking, feet always in motion and punching. Skin hitting leather is added to the small orchestra of sounds around and within me. I try to ignore the ache in my chest, my heart beating painful against my ribcage and the sick feeling I get whenever my thoughts stray to Eric. I try to think of the things I read yesterday, go through the things I read in the manual, testing my own memory. I mumble the facts through numb lips, feeling my knuckles tear at the pressure I put into my hits, letting it distract me for a few minutes. But it doesn't work for too long and I break down on my knees and hands suddenly.

I feel myself laughing self-ironic and breathlessly then even though there is nothing humorous about my behavior, my feelings or the situation I find myself in. The sweat running down my skin cools me down too fast, letting me shiver and I cough slightly because the cold air burns my airways. It seems not even exhausting myself physically can stop my thoughts this morning and I try to accept it.

* * *

When I am freshly showered and dressed for the day, I sit down on my couch and try to come to terms with everything that happened yesterday. My reaction was over the top in more ways than one and I don't have difficulties to admit that I am the one at fault. I try to understand why I was angry with Eric's display, went so far as to pull away from his touches and couldn't tell him what was on my mind. I think that it stems from my thoughts as we made our way downstairs to the cafeteria.

When I entered the relationship I wasn't quite aware how much trouble I would have to overcome my fear of depending and concentrated on my feelings for him instead of on the emotions that root far back in my past. I underestimated the effect it has on me and in advance on Eric and maybe that, the worries I felt building up for my brother and the long and tiring day did the trick. I sigh and try to let this new knowledge sink in to secure it and not repeat it. I have to make sure I won't let my past rule my present and future because it just isn't fair to let Eric feel rejected and closed off just because I am afraid and slightly disgusted to depend on anyone. I square my shoulders afterwards, lock my door and put my touchpad into my pocket. I have a mission now and I won't listen to my brain telling me to not go through with it.

I make my way two floors up, stopping in front of apartment number 17 and knock before I can come up with a reason not to. I wait for a few moments, breathless but I don't hear any sound from behind the door. I knock again, louder now. I wait again and start to think that maybe he isn't even here. I am about to turn around, shoulders slumped when I hear sounds from his apartment. I knock for the third time to make sure he doesn't think he heard wrong. The door is thrown open, Eric's face drawn into an angry scowl that vanishes as soon as he sees me.

"Hey. Can I come in?" I ask softly. He just steps aside, closing the door behind him when I stand in the middle of his living room. I turn to him, dressed in only his shorts and have to suppress the urge to just go to him, touch him and kiss him until we both can't breathe anymore. He watches me, eyes still a bit cold and I try to not let it get to me. I was the one being wrong, I am responsible for the small fight we had and he has the right to be angry. I chew my lip and he frowns before sighing.

"Do you know what time it is?" He asks, his posture changing from tense to defeat in a heartbeat. I look at the clock and slightly cringe at seeing it is half past five. He takes my hand and leads me to his couch, pulling me down into his lap. I sigh at the contact, at his heat and close my eyes for a moment to let his whole being seep into me.

"I am sorry. I can't promise you it won't happen again but I am working on it. Promised." I whisper against his skin, feeling his hand going to my hair. He sighs again, stays silent and I let him take his time. I am the one that needs his forgiveness, needs him and I can only hope that his display means he accepts me back after my silly behavior.

Instead of saying anything I feel him tug my hair softly and I raise my eyes to look at him. His hands I love so much grab my hips and he pulls me up so I straddle his lap. Being on top of him makes me feel powerful and I blush slightly. He caresses my cheek, looks at me thoughtfully, his eyes a bit darker than normal. I can't stop my eyes from straying to his lips again and again, biting my own to hold me back. A few seconds later I give in to my urge though. I start kissing him, biting his lower lip slightly and welcome his tongue against mine. He moves his hand to my back, strong and determined and I try to grip his neck, nails against his skin to not get lost in the feeling within me. I press myself against him, can feel his muscles through my shirt and moan slightly at the intensity I feel. The rumbling in his chest reverberates in my own and I shudder at the passion our kiss evokes within me.

When we pull apart our fast breaths are mixing between us, chests heaving against each other. I let go of his neck, noticing I maybe put too much strength into my grip on it. But he doesn't seem to mind, his forehead resting against my collarbone. It's a fascinating, intimate gesture and I feel warmth within me. I kiss his ear and everything I can reach, letting my hands trail along his spine and through his short hair, enjoying the feeling of it against my palm. Eric breaths calmly and we stay silent for a lot longer. I lean my head down to rest my cheek on his hair and close my eyes.

His voice interrupts the silence between us and I look down, right into his eyes, and see determination and seriousness. I concentrate my whole being on him because this moment is important. I feel it deep in my bones.

"Tris. I am aware that trusting and confining in someone don't come easy to you. I accept this fact. If I wouldn't, I would have stayed away from you. I wouldn't have agreed to us." I smile slightly and my eyes shine with gratitude. His face doesn't change though, his voice holding a deep meaning I can't grasp fully.

"And I am also aware that this between us is new to you, that I am four years older, have more experience with relationships in general and that I am not an easy man to like. And although I am patient to some degree, try to be patient with you to get accustomed to me as a person and our relationship I am not a friend of drama and I don't like little games." I nod, try to communicate with my eyes that I know what he means. His hands are underlining his words, squeezing my hips at certain points.

"So the next time, say what bothers you, speak to me about it or just tell me to let it slip. I can't read your mind and I am not up to guessing. And I don't like you lying to me, especially when I see that something is wrong with you." His eyes hold mine. They are a steel grey again, serious and slightly cold. I understand that he has to look at me like this, though I can't suppress the light sadness I feel that we even had a fight after only two days. I feel guilty for being the reason, for my inexperience and grateful for his understanding for me at the same time.

"I am sorry." I whisper and he frowns, slightly shaking his head, his eyebrows furrowed. His hand comes up to my face, laying down on my cheek, thumb lightly caressing the skin under my eyes that burn slightly. I don't cry though.

"Don't apologize. As I said I understand. Just make sure to communicate with me." I nod, looking into his eyes and he seems to see what he is searching for. Eric pulls my head down then, kissing my cheek and mouth. I sigh against him, letting my mind absorb his words. I haven't felt like a teenager for a long time and I think as Dauntless members or initiates we grow up faster than almost anyone else in the other Factions. We are confronted with hard facts right from the beginning, learn consequences and making the wrong decisions can easily put us and the people around us in danger.

I always thought even before I entered initiation that I was wise or old beyond my years because of the things I already experienced and had to go through. But at the moment I feel young and silly for percepting myself this way. I may know how it feels to lose someone, to fight for yourself, to mourn and to carry on afterwards but it's not all there is to know and I shouldn't have defined my personality or my sense of myself solely on these facts. It's slightly uncomfortable because I don't want to see myself that way. I don't want to see myself as young and inexperienced. Though I guess I have to accept it. And if Eric can make amendments and is comfortable with this side of me that still has a lot of growing up to do I can as well I think.

* * *

Uriah and I easily slip into our new schedule after this first day that exhausted us both to the bone. Though I was tired I also felt contentment after my talk with Eric and things have smoothed into a comfortable routine. We eat supper together, he picking me up from the debriefing room or just meeting in the Pit in front of the cafeteria. On two days Jules joins us, keeping us up to date with her own training to become an instructor the next year for the Dauntless-born initiates. She and Eric exchange information I don't bother to memorize and I enjoy the friendly atmosphere after a tiresome shift. Afterwards Eric and I go to my flat, enjoy a bit of alone time.

Often enough I find myself straddling his lap, kneading his shoulders because he is tense, worry and stress taking their toll on him. It makes me worry in return but I also find it reassuring that he is human and not perfect. Because I see this side of him I am also slowly overcoming my insecure moments. When I work at his shoulders he lets his head fall forward onto my collarbone, sighing when I find a knot in his muscles and softly massage it out of them. He reciprocates with long, sensual kisses my toes curl to. We don't stay up too late, he sometimes carrying me to my bedroom to go to sleep, me curling up into him and both of us enjoying the closeness and calmness we find in each other.

I keep true to my resolve and go to train in the mornings, Eric joining me on almost every morning throughout the first week. When he isn't one morning I come up with a small plan to wake him, feeling happy that it was Friday and enjoying my slightly mischievous streak after a good training session, my body a bit sore, but my mind wide awake.

So I shower, put on some clothes but don't bother to dry my hair thoroughly, letting the cold water drop onto his bare chest when I lean over him. He is wide awake in seconds, hissing softly. He turns us around in the next moment, a smirk on his lips when he realises what or who woke him up. Eric growls lightly before coming down on me. He kisses me breathless and I am dazed when he pulls away.

I still feel his hands that traveled under my shirt just stopping at the lower part of my bra even though he stands in front of me, his arms crossed and a self-satisfied glint in his eyes observing the state he left me in. I guess it is his way to take revenge and I think he underestimated the part of me that enjoys his touches and is comfortable with his closeness. I am not going to enlighten him too soon if it means he continues to take revenge in this way.

* * *

On the weekend I meet up with almost every one of my friends though Peter isn't with us because he stays in the barracks with the rest of the Guards in the Factionless sector. I am slightly surprised that his absence is notable even though he just entered our group shortly before he left again. Maybe because he has a certain way to talk, his remarks sharp and adding a new opinion to our conversations we all feel that some part of our group is missing. I find myself asking what he is up to and if he is happy with his decision. If the work he choose is what he expected and if he found a sparring partner himself.

The rest of us exchanges stories about our first week, Christina's eyes shining with excitement at all the things that are about to come. She tells us about the things she can rely to us but makes a show of keeping everything else a secret. I chuckle at her behavior and tease her with the rest of my friends but all in good humor and she joins in when we laugh after a remark from Lynn or Uriah.

Will is full of complicated information, speaks nonstop when it is his turn, eyes ablaze with passion for the things he did and ignoring that one after another we stopped listening because we don't understand a word he says about brain functions, the components that need to be changed in the fear serum to make it even more fearsome or his first meeting with an Erudite to talk shop about the small details we can't grasp. But I don't think we need to understand him as long as we know that he seems to love his new occupation very much.

Marlene spots red cheeks when she tells us about her first week in the infirmary and the praise that was thrown her way. Her voice is filled with excitement when she talks about assisting in setting a leg from a Dauntless member that was clumsy jumping off the train. She got to stitch up some minor injuries some people spotted after a drunken bet that led to a competition who of them could still hit the targets right. I smile and listen intently because the way Marlene tells us about her experiences so far makes clear that she loves the work and feels passionate about it.

Uriah and Lynn take it upon themselves to talk about our first week in the control room unit. I am glad I don't have to speak at the moment, the early mornings in the training room, the long shifts in the control room monitoring my areas and afterwards learning the manuals by heart taking their toll on my energy. But I laugh when they make an untrue remark about watching Chris and Will making out in her flat to which both of them blush making the false story true at least a bit. I laugh along with the others and shake my head no when Chris' incredulous voice asks if this was really true. She seems to relax after I tell her that only public places are being watched and leans against Will.

Our group stands together, bonding over little anecdotes about themselves with people the rest of us doesn't know, shared alcohol to what I shake my head when I am offered some and light banter. I try to remember the time in initiation when I was mostly on my own, walked the tunnels of Dauntless and thought too much about all the things around me when I wasn't occupied surviving training or the fear simulations. I try to grasp my feelings back then, my inner restraint to keep to myself and the abandon with what I wanted to become my own person.

But all I succeed in is feeling the hole that the absence of my brother leaves in my chest. Through initiation I didn't get much time with him and I thought after we cleared up things between us after he behaved like an idiot that one night we would get more time together. My time schedule and his are alike now and I had hoped to see him in the monitoring room. So far I wasn't lucky. I don't want to talk to Lynn about it, about Tobias' absence because I don't want to put her in a situation where she stands between two persons – me as her friend and Tobias as her boyfriend. I shake off the heaviness in my mind and bring myself back to the beginning of my thoughts. My own behavior while I was in initiation, my feelings back then.

That time and the emotions are so far away on that Saturday night with my friends that it feels almost unreal to me. And though I am relaxed and I savour the moment I can't stop the worry that rises within me. I am slightly afraid that my newfound lightness to communicate with people and letting them in to some degree will come biting my ass at some point in the future. Maybe it is my trust issue speaking I argue with myself because so far my friends never gave me a reason to not rely on them. Though I also think there wasn't a situation until now I really needed to depend on them – I fiercely hope I never have to because I don't think I can. Not now at least. Maybe never. I cringe slightly, feeling the darkness ready to jump my back. But I force myself to not dwell too long on the thoughts, to not give the foreboding feeling too much power above me. My friends want me to be in the middle of their conversation and not far away in the contemplations of my mind and I will do them the favor.

We say our goodbyes much later, some of our group tipsy and they take longer to go because they want to make sure that the rest of us knows how much they love us. I smile at them a bit forced, slightly stiffening at the continuous touches and hugs and sloppy kisses to the cheek but let them have their way. I am more comfortable with most of the physical contact that comes with having friends and don't hold back in my interaction with Eric but it still sets me on edge sometimes, especially when I am tired or thinking too much.

* * *

After the last of my group is gone I take a moment to relax a bit, center myself and try to shake off some of the tiredness before I start my search for Eric. We had agreed on separating for the evening to catch up with our friends and promised to find the other when we wanted to go to bed or the get together was over. I like the way we don't crowd each other, give us small moments for ourselves. It makes interacting so much more enjoyable and soothes my and I believe his independent nature.

I try not to think about my dependence too much because I know it's a weakness I still haven't found a solution to and I fear that it will become an issue at some point in the future, too again. I don't like that my balance is fragile like that and just needs a slight push to leave me. I think I have to work on it, find a steadiness within myself before I let it interfere with my relationships. And maybe dependence isn't the real problem, but my view on it is. But I just don't seem to be able to find something reassuring in it. It frightens me. My feelings for a certain Dauntless Leader do, too sometimes, but fortunately not too much.

I find Eric soon later in his circle of friends. Mart, Leo and Jules are there and some people I don't know yet. An uneasy feeling enters my mind when I look at so many unknown faces, my hand going through my hair. I square my shoulders not quite comfortable to approach Eric with people that seem even older than him but not willing to go back on our agreement to meet.

Maybe because I am tired after the long evening and because I started to think on difficult subjects I should have left alone in my current state I feel self-conscious about the difference in age between Eric and me and what other people might think about it. If they percept our relationship as something fleeting, Eric choosing a young girl to have some fun with and things along those lines. It would fit his image, I guess, but I know better and try to convince myself that that is enough.

I never thought about our age difference before because I was convinced that four years aren't much and it never crossed my mind when I contemplated my feelings for him and a possible relationship while things were still unclear between us. But after he mentioned it in our conversation when I messed up after my first day of working in the control room it is a constant thought in the background of my mind. I push down my nervousness as good as possible, concentrate on the fact that it doesn't matter really and Eric doesn't seem to mind.

When I finally go up to his group he is made aware of my presence by a guy next to him and turns around. His face splits into a gentle and small smile he only reserves for private moments between the two of us and I am slightly taken aback at his openness and confused as well what could prompt it.

He welcomes me with a tight embrace. His hands move down to my hips afterwards, his thumbs caressing the skin at my hips and kisses me hard. I feel his kiss to the soles of my feet, enjoy his display of dominance and possessiveness but stop him when his tongue wants to explore my mouth. Eric growls a bit when I push him away gently but I feel uncomfortable to let his friends see our intimidate moment and slightly on edge after my musings from before.

I smell the alcohol in his breath, slightly wrinkling my nose but chuckle lightly at his behavior, the tension in my stomach for his act slowly vanishing. He says goodbye soon after I arrive. We turn away from his friends after I smile at Jules, Mart and Leo and intertwine my hand with his that is thrown casually over my shoulder, my other arm around his waist. A weight I didn't know was there lifts slightly until I hear cat-calls following us and my back goes rigid again, nervousness lets my neck prickle. Eric chuckles lowly, flips off his friends with his free hand and leans down to me. He places a gentle kiss on the crone of my hair, reassuring me with a short 'ignore them, love'. I sigh and try to concentrate on him. I have to get used to things like that I think.

* * *

I sit in my small alcove, writing down the report for Max he informed me he needed until Monday morning. I am a bit angry with his demanding tone in the e-mail I received sometime in the last night but take his assignment serious and brush my anger away easily enough.

I am not quite sure what Max expects me to write and need a moment to think it through. I guess he wants to know how I do, what I experienced so far and learned from Kent. I make a first draft on paper, enjoying the movement of my hand over the paper. It feels strange to write again because I didn't have to in the last weeks. I need to take small pauses in-between writing down different stages when my fingers cramp up a bit. I flex the fingers of my right hand and use the interruptions to reread the sentences I just put down, scratch out some passages and break them down to the crucial information. I don't think Max is interested in reading a full blown out report of every day. He probably receives reports from Kent as well.

After I wrote down my last paragraph I lean back in my chair and proofread the one page report. I nod to myself and start to type the text into my touchpad. It's slightly uncomfortable to use the device, my wrist hurting when I am finished because I am not used to the position I had to hold them in to not put the cursor somewhere I don't want it. I reread it again and send it off to Max' e-mail account soon later.

I run my hands through my still a bit wet hair and let my eyes travel through my tidy room and over to the man in my bed. I smile slightly at his posture similar to the one he had when I woke up next to him for the first time, arm thrown over his face, laying on his back. It's nice to have him around, sharing meals and hot cups of tea. I smile in the mornings when I see his soap and deodorant stand next to my things and sometimes I allow myself to think of the future I could share with him if everything works out, sharing a flat then as well. But I am not ready for that and I think I won't be in the next months, maybe even years. Though I am never without him in my flat, I still feel better to know that I have my own place, that I can close my door to everyone, even to him, if I feel the need to. Maybe that has something to do with my fierce will to be independent as well.

I sigh, coming back from thoughts and concentrate on my touchpad again, stopping the massage of my wrists. I open my notes I took throughout the week and start to reread them. I go through the different documents, try to memorize the different facts, test myself on some and realise I can lose myself in my task. I take random sips from my cup, legs drawn up to my chest and the blanket I bought a week ago around my shoulders keeping me warm because my flat is still cold even though I have turned on all the radiators throughout the rooms. I really need to see the janitor I think to myself when a shiver runs down my spine.

A groan from my bed makes me aware of Eric waking up half an hour later and I smile at him when he pushes himself into a sitting position against the headboard, bare chest with the piercings in his nipples in plain sight. I enjoy the view, let my eyes travel over the expanse of his torso to his tattoos at his neck I love so much. My smile broadens slightly as he tries to wake up fully, eyes squinting even though I made sure to close the curtains before I stood up.

I refill my cup with some tea that calms the stomach and go over to him, pressing it into his hand and kissing his forehead. I am glad that I am an observant person and listened to Uriah when he told me that he had a hangover after our initiation party and the only thing helpful was the chamomile tea Marlene brought him. Eric takes a sip of the tea, a sigh escaping his lips, one of his eyes opening slightly, the other still squinted close.

"Hey love." His voice is raspier than I ever heard it and it lets something shiver insight of me. He takes a few sips from the lukewarm tea again, puts the cup down on the floor beside the bed and pulls me into him, embracing me tight as I straddle his lap and lets his head rest against my shoulder. I stroke his neck before my hands find his temple and start to massage them softly. He groans slightly, shoulders slumping forward in relaxation and I take pleasure in easing his hangover even though I wasn't sure how to help him. After a moment of Eric enjoying my hands on his probably slightly painful head he turns us around with ease and I marvel at his strength and the way his biceps and triceps flexes with the movement.

"Feeling okay now?" I ask him, voice slightly muffled because my face lays comfortable against his chest and low because I don't want to pop the bubble around us. He nods above me and I sigh against him, slinging my arms around his waist, my fingers traveling his back, fascinated with the rippling of his muscles when I touch them.

"Any plans for today?" Eric asks, voice still a bit rough and I hear a slight strain in it as well, his hand trailing up and down my back and I hum at the soft feeling of his fingertips.

"I finished my report for Max and have to memorize a few things before tomorrow. Training later I think and the rest of the day I want to just relax. Oh, I need to reach the janitor for my floor." I say, my face turning into a frown when I think about ways to contact him.

"Why would you need him?" Eric asks, pushing my head up gently and kissing my forehead, probably progressing good with overcoming his hangover.

"I think my heating unit doesn't work correctly. Don't you feel how cold it is in here?" I ask him, underlining my statement unintentionally when I shiver. He shakes his head, slightly frowning at the movement and I chuckle softly. He squeezes my hip in response to my amusement at his expanse.

"Well, I guess because you are a heating system yourself you don't feel how freezing it is in here." I say, playfully thoughtful. He raises an eyebrow and I smile.

"Oh, am I?" He asks, his hand traveling under my shirt, his rough skin against mine feeling wonderful.

"Yes, my personal heating system. Good I found you before winter is upon us." I nod and he smiles gently down at me before he kisses me softly, the movements sensual and muted by his hangover and the atmosphere around us. We are quiet for a while, hands brushing against skin, lips meeting random places.

"I think I could help you with that. With your heating unit. There are some knicks-knacks I learned throughout the years." Eric says before yawning slightly, fingers now running through my hair and I hum, let my own fingers travel over his ribcage to his nipple piercings and up to his neck. I hear a small groan from him at the contact and kiss his chest over his heart.

"Leader, instructor and now you know how to repair my heater. I am amazed at your abilities." I say lightly, only a small note of teasing in my voice. He pulls my hair a bit more in response to my statement and I moan at the pleasurable pain it causes, biting his chest instinctively. Eric's hand lets loose and he groans again.

"Tris." He says and I smile up at him, pecking him on the lips before I stand up. He falls back on his back and I look a moment longer at him. He scowls at me slightly, making me chuckle. I leave the bedroom then to prepare a small meal for us with the few things I find in my refrigerator. I don't see the need in buying too much food because I always end up eating in the cafeteria and I think it won't change for a long time because I still enjoy the noisy chaos down there.

I hear the shower starting when I start to get the things I need to cook, the rushing water and groaning pipes a dead give-away that Eric is ready to start the day a bit more. I like these small quirks of my apartment because it makes me feel at home knowing all the sounds, identifying the movements around my flat with them and it gives me a sense of safety I never felt in Abnegation.

The simple task of mixing the eggs in a bowl with salt and pepper gives me room to think and I think it's debatable if this is a good thing. I feel content at the moment, bold for my actions in the bedroom but enjoy it enormously. I like that I can be like that and am not stuck up or stiff – I snort slightly at that – when it comes to exchanging teasing gestures or sensual kisses with Eric. At least I am comfortable when we are alone.

His display from the night before comes back into my mind and lets me frown a bit. I don't try to dwell on it though and push it back. I still feel it under the surface of my other feelings and hope I can suppress it. I don't want to show him that I am uncomfortable with something that he uses to boost my confidence with and that is his way of showing that he likes me, is falling in love with me every day a bit more. Just like I am with him. I sigh and shut up my mind.

* * *

I carry Eric's plate to my bedroom and see him sipping his tea, hair glistening because it's still wet from his shower and staring off into space. He looks up to me when I stand next to him and puts his cup down again, taking the offered plate with scrambled eggs and two slices of toast.

"It's not much but I guess it's better to eat something light anyway." I say casually but not quite able to suppress the frown from my face. He raises an eyebrow at my comment, chewing and swallowing his bite before looking up at me. I mentally cringe, sit down next to him after he scoots over, my legs folded under me. I bite my lip and frown slightly. He stays silent for a moment and I feel his eyes on me. Not five minutes ago I hoped that I am a good enough actress to cover up the feelings within me but they seem to have a will of their own. I scowl mentally, try to ignore that he looks slightly angry.

"If this is about me drinking last night..." He begins but sees the shaking of my head and stops himself. His shoulders relax a bit again.

"It's not. I may be your girl, but it's your decision if you want to drink alcohol or not." I answer honestly, smiling softly when he looks at me with this special, affectionate glint in his eyes I like so much. We stay silent for a moment, Eric eating slowly and I chewing my lip in thought.

"You remember what I told you a week ago?" He asks calmly after a few minutes, his voice forced into a casual tone but I hear the underlining worry and feel guilty for not being able to open up to him without a small fight on his part. Honestly I had hoped my slip up would have been forgotten after my comment, not that I really planned on it and now I find myself contemplating if I can do what he silently asks me to or if I can come up with a distraction again. I sigh and run a hand through my hair.

"Yes, just give me a moment to sort through my feelings, ok?" I say and he nods. I sigh softly again and try to put my thoughts into an orderly way. If I am to open up to him I want it to be in an organised way. I don't want him to get me wrong and I don't want to blow the matter out of proportion.

"Ok, I think I am ready." I tell him, looking at him from under my eyelashes. Eric looks at me without judgement and I sense that he is as open minded as he can be. Though he emanates nothing but calmness I feel my stomach turn a bit because I am unsure if I have the right to feel this way and not overreact to something as small as being uncomfortable for a few minutes. An event that occurred only one time when he shared our intimidate moment. I square my shoulders and stop thinking.

"You see, yesterday evening I was slightly uncomfortable about the way you showed off our relationship in front of your friends." I say, my voice slightly wavering and I scowl at myself. I told myself a while back that I will accept myself and to accept myself I have to accept the things I feel. So I may not have a right to feel this way in general but now I think I have a reason and a right as well. I don't want to feel ashamed for my feelings.

"Ok. And why is that?" He asks, taking one of my hands in his, his thump caressing the back of my hand, his heat seeping into my skin. His gesture is minimal but all the more important because he tries to communicate with me through it. _Just say it. I won't be angry. We can go through this together._ I sigh softly, smile a bit wobbly and try to accept my own feelings instead of feeling silly for them.

"I think it's a mixture of thinking too much about their opinion on our relationship, my uncomfortable way when meeting new people in general and your friends especially and my fear of letting anyone other than you see how much you mean to me and what you can do to me with one kiss." I look to Eric and his eyes are fixed on our hands. He doesn't speak up for a few moments, his only reaction the slight squeezing of his hand. He puts down the plate on the floor and fixes his eyes on our hands again.

I chew my lip, getting more nervous with every passing second. That and I feel slightly uncomfortable to share it with him. I know I can trust him to some degree and I let myself do so. But I showed him a part of me I myself don't like very much, showed him a weakness that he could use to hurt me. I try to tell myself that he never would hurt me consciously but I also know that he might do so subconsciously sometime in the future. I frown slightly and shake off the churning of my stomach and the negative thoughts.

"Could you talk to me please?" I ask, my voice low. His eyes meet mine and I recognize a soft glint of reassurance and affection in them.

"I think I understand how you feel. I want you to know though that you don't need to worry about people in general or my friends for that matter. I don't care what they think." Eric sounds aloof and I frown slightly because his words contradict each other. If he really understands how I feel then he wouldn't say that he doesn't care for other people's opinion. I don't think he can fully grasp my uncomfortable feeling and I don't blame him for it because he himself never was in my situation.

"It's easy for you to say that you don't care what they think. You already made a name for yourself, intimidate the people around you or have owned their respect. I on the other hand... what is there to see then an Abnegation turned Dauntless." I bite my lip because I reveal even more of myself.

"I think you aren't aware how you appear to most people." I frown slightly and he seems to sense my question smiling softly and brushing away a few strands of my hair. His hand takes mine up again, letting our joined limbs rest between us on the bed.

"You are strong, Tris. You are fearless. Everyone with two eyes sees you as completely Dauntless. I see you like this. And you don't come off as a nervous teen with too many insecurities to count. Most people tell me that they respect you for your performance in the fear landscape and think you are quite grown up even though you are only 16." His words make me blush slightly and it's hard to believe what he tells me when I myself am unsure about most things around me and within me. I guess I can believe him though because he doesn't sound like a lovesick man, blinded by affection but talks calmly, his voice a bit clinical even, honest and completely serious. And because I think he wouldn't lie to me just to make me feel better. He said so himself not too long ago.

"As for making you feel this way. I am not sorry for that in the slightest." He sounds self-satisfied and I smile at his display lightly. Eric smirks in response. His words change the atmosphere around us that was serious just a few seconds ago, tense a bit because it touched things I am not comfortable with and he seemed to sense it again just like that. We are silent for a moment and I sigh softly because I think we can move on again and it wasn't too bad to talk to him about it. But Eric speaks up again, his voice serious and I get the feeling it costs him much more then he lets on when the words leave his mouth.

"And I think I can't change my behavior towards you – sober or slightly inebriated – even though I know it would make you feel better." Eric frowns slightly and for a reason unknown my voice is not louder than a whisper when I speak up.

"Why is that?" His hand holds mine tightly and he doesn't meet my eyes. I am nervous and know without a real proof or explanation that this moment is one I want to remember as long as I live.

"Because I know without a doubt that not too far in the future I will love you."

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._

_I know - this chapter wasn't really exciting, but I wanted to establish some things, wanted to show the development everyone goes through especially in the first few months of a new relationship. I also know that Eric is pretty much ooc here, but I guess it fits the storyline and I like him that way. Let me know what you think and until next time._


	39. Chapter 38

_A/N: Hello everyone! I am sorry for the late update... really, REALLY sorry. I lost some interest in this whole universe and I am still not quite sure if the updates will come more often now, but I hope they do._

_A surprise: Guess what - I think I will post a new part of The Office Series soon (tomorrow if possible)._

_This part is dedicated to Maya6996 who I hope knows how much I appreciate her as a person, as a great human being. Hun, take care._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

Eric doesn't wait for a response, just pulls me by our joined hands against himself and I am still slightly shocked at his words when he kisses me. But my paralyzed state vanishes when his hot tongue moves against my mouth, asking me for entrance that I am only too ready to grant. My right hand finds his hair, nails lightly scraping against his scalp, fingers pulling the longer strands that he hasn't styled yet, my other wandering to his back. He moves to his knees, mirroring my position on the bed, the sheet falling down on the mattress. I press against him, my mind in a heated daze. Eric lets his hands travel under my shirt. He pushes it higher up, his fingers gripping my skin roughly and softly at the same time. I move my arms so he can pull the tank top off completely. My arms fall back to him again, lips finding each other.

One of his hands goes to the mid of my back, the other to my hip. I bow my back backwards, enjoying the secure feeling I have when he holds me up without a problem, my thighs pressed against his. Our mouths are still against each other and it feels like the first kiss we shared, teeth crashing against each other, biting and licking and tongues dancing. I feel like I drown in the emotions I feel.

His hand slowly moves from my hip upwards to my breast, caresses one of them through the thin fabric of my bra, his thumb easily finding my perked nipple. I moan and shudder slightly when he pinches it and I feel him smirk against my lips at my reaction. I bite his lower lip in response letting my own hand wander from his scalp to his neck, nails scraping his skin all the way down to his pierced nipple, fingertips playing with the metal spheres. He groans himself, jerking his hips forward and I feel his erection against my stomach. A mixture of passion, hotness and nervousness fills me up and I slightly tense but relax again when the sensation of his hand at my breast fills me again.

His hand leaves it soon though, moves down my stomach to the button of my pants. I try to concentrate on his mouth on mine, at the hotness I feel in my abdomen but when I feel my jeans pop open and his finger at the seam of my underwear I stiffen. He immediately takes back his hand and wants to pull away completely but I hold him against me, mouth moving from his to his neck and ear. I hear him breathe hard above me and I feel my own breath leave my mouth between the kisses in fast ex- and inhales.

His hands grip my hips, his thumbs stroking my skin and I let my head fall against his shoulder. I wait a few moments to calm down my heart that pumps blood through my veins as if I ran for dear life just a minute ago. I feel Eric's heart beating synchronously and let the emotion of being home wash over me. We stay silent for a few moments more and I try to organise my thoughts to explain myself, but before I can say something, he speaks up.

"Don't." Is all he says and I nod against him, kissing his shoulder. He sighs and lets his arms sling around me, pressing me against his skin. I reciprocate feeling whole and losing myself in the contact skin on skin.

"I think I need a cold shower now." He says, voice calm and laced with the tiniest bit of humor. I flush a bit, nod again and don't hold onto him when he stands up, pressing a kiss to my forehead before he grabs his clothes and vanishes into the bathroom.

* * *

Uriah and I meet up in the Pit before we make our way up to the control unit. The second week we work the afternoon up to the evening shift and I meet Eric in his flat when I am done for the day. Max responded to my report with a short message stating that he is pleased with my progress and asks me to see him at the end of my third week in the control unit to discuss my visit to the fence a week later. I don't look forward to being in Max' office again and having to talk to him face to face. Even though I accept my new job, the training he puts me through and the decision slowly I can't forget the way he treated me. I try not to dwell on it too much, though and concentrate on the things awaiting me in the next days.

I see Tobias for the first time after the rankings were announced at the end of my second week in the control room unit. When he sees me sitting in front of my station, talking to one of the guys from the team in hushed voices to not disturbed the others around us, he is slightly perplexed and I realise he doesn't know that I am Max' personal assistant now.

"Tris." He says softly behind me when he steps up to us and I smile up at him. Rick nods his head in Tobias' direction, his face a bit perturbed because he was interrupted in the middle of his sentence and looks at me again.

"If you need my help again, I am right there." He smiles shortly and I return the gesture with a whispered thank you and a smile of my own. Rick looks at me for a moment longer and Tobias has to clear his throat before my team member moves back to his own computer. I frown slightly at his back but shake my head and concentrate on Tobias.

I embrace my brother when he sits down in the newly available chair next to me, breathing in his scent and sighing softly when his arms encase me and press me against him. I feel the hole in my chest slightly close and smile against his neck. I want to stay right here in this moment when everything is easy, when I don't have to look at him and ask him to meet me soon so we can talk about some serious matters. But I know I can't evade it and being honest with myself I don't want to wait any longer as well. If it wasn't for the concern I feel for my brother and our suddenly complicated relationship I think my life would be perfect at the moment. But I don't really blame him, at least not until I know the facts. I pull back, but not too far, Tobias' arm around the back of my chair.

"Looks like you have an admirer." He says, his voice sour and face pulled into a comical expression, his eyes staring at Rick. I raise my eyebrows and shake my head, smiling slightly.

"I don't think so." I say and try to find my courage to cut right to the point but before I can say anything Tobias speaks up again.

"I think I have to speak to Eric to make sure Rick stays away from you. I heard very disturbing things about him." I chuckle lightly at the idea that Tobias and Eric could have a civil conversation because they seem to be on edge around each other since their stand-off when Eric insulted both of us. As far as I can tell they prefer to stay away from each other. But maybe I only saw badly days and there is a possibility that the two most important men in my life could get along quite well at some point in the future? It doesn't really matter, not at the moment, I tell myself. I don't want to talk about Rick and don't want to think about the relationship between my brother and my boyfriend.

"I don't think you need to. Rick was just helping me recording some stuff I found a bit concerning." I say, hoping that this stops his thoughts and take a breath to bring up the topic that is heavy on my mind. But I am interrupted again.

"Yeah, helping you to maybe get something in return, preferably a pass into your pants. Don't trust so easily, Tris." Tobias says, concern in his voice and eyes focused on Rick's back. I need to concentrate to don't laugh at him and scoff instead. As if I trust easily. I think he should know better. I cringe slightly. Or maybe not. Maybe Tobias doesn't know me anymore. He speaks again before I can get a word in and I slowly lose my patience, my musings not helping to keep it as well.

"Hm, maybe I should speak to Rick myself. Make sure that he knows you are off limits and that there is a big brother watching out for you. I don't know how serious Eric is about you and maybe he doesn't care..." I huff in annoyance, my voice a bit louder then I intended when I interrupt Tobias before he says something he and I will regret. No one speaks about Eric this way.

"Four!" He finally looks at me again, his eyebrows raised in surprise when he sees my face that is probably red with anger and annoyance. I bare my teeth in an animalistic way he and I find shocking, but I don't really care at the moment. I ignore my colleagues when they look at us for a moment because I need to put my foot down and make sure Tobias gets the message.

"Could you please stop talking about Rick for a second?" My voice is just a whisper now, but laced with strength and a silent command. He is about to say something, but I already speak again before a tone leaves his mouth.

"Firstly, I want you to know that I am very happy with Eric and he is the best boyfriend I could ever wish for. So stop talking about things you have no idea about because you will regret it otherwise." Tobias' eyes widen a bit and he nods again. I feel like I become calmer, my voice losing its biting quality and I am proud I stood up for my relationship and Eric' and my feelings.

"And secondly, I want you to meet me at my place after my shift. I want to talk to you and don't want to wait until you decide that you have time. Understand?" He frowns slightly and I huff at the uncertainty in his eyes already aware that he will try to come up with something to not come. I am not sure why he tries to avoid me. The only thing I know with clarity in this moment is that his behavior hurts me badly and the wound inside of me pulses with pain, letting my heart ache.

"Tris, I am not sure..." Tobias looks at my monitors, frowning again, his voice unsure and slightly apologetic. I bite my lip because he evades my eyes and his actions make me aware again that something is off about our relationship that once was my only pillar when everything around me crumbled to dust. And that something is off about him. I know with certainty now that he keeps secrets from me. Why, I don't know but I plan to find out about them soon enough. This evening I hope.

"I won't take a no for an answer, Tobias. I miss my brother." My voice slightly wavers at the end, something I didn't plan on, but it has the desired effect because he looks at me again, his eyes soft. Maybe he is finally aware to some degree what his avoidance does to me, because he looks apologetic and nods.

"Ok. I will meet you at your place." He says, taking one of my hands into his own, his thumb drawing calming patterns on the back of mine.

"You promise?" I ask, taking a calming breath and let him placate me with his hand around my own. I relax slightly and push away the pain I feel. Maybe he has a sound reason, maybe he tries to protect me. I hope it's something like this because the alternative would destroy me I think.

"I promise." I smile slightly and kiss his cheek. He smiles in return, kisses my hand. I tell him my apartment number, fixing him with my eyes to communicate that he has no excuse to stand me up. He smiles reassuringly and I let him off the hook, aware that I need to concentrate on my monitors again. Tobias stands up to go to his own station next to Zeke and I don't think about the impending talk that I am sure will be uncomfortable.

* * *

When our shift is nearly up, Kent calls Uriah and me to him. We finish up our reports, print them and mail them to the supervisor and tidy up our station. I take my time to tell Tobias that he maybe has to wait a bit for me because I am not sure how long Kent will hold us up and he nods again.

I follow Kent and Uriah into the office of the former and he sits us down in front of his overloaded desk. I remember a quote I read in Faction History about Erudite:

_Only the stupid need organization, the genius controls the chaos!* _

I think it fits Kent's desk because I am positive I wouldn't find a thing between the massive folders, single papers and the writing utensils thrown in between. Maybe my first impression wasn't false all along and he really has a strong erudite streak within him. I brush away my thoughts and concentrate on my instructor.

"The purpose of our meeting is to give you an intermediate result and to explain where we go from here." Kent begins and Uriah sits up straighter, looking eager to know what awaits us.

"Firstly, your colleagues and I are impressed with your progress, the way you hold yourself, the seriousness you handle your assignments with and lastly your up-to-standard work attitude." Uriah and I exchange a proud smile, his face blooming under the phrase and I think mine is as well.

"That said, I didn't expected anything else from the assistant to our first Leader and the person that has to take over this unit at one point in his career. I hope you won't start to take your work lightly and continue to work as hard and serious as you showed you can. I won't take you slagging off now just because you did well in your first two weeks and if you do, make sure to pack your stuff because the final results will leave you with no job and Factionless." Kent's voice is serious, hard even and Uriah and I both nod, trying to placate him that nothing like this will happen. I don't have to pretend to believe him because his whole posture tells me he isn't joking around and when I glance at Uriah I know he feels the same.

"Now for the next two weeks before Tris will leave us, you both will be split up. Because Uriah will stay in this unit and you will move on, we decided that you both need to concentrate on the matters at hand." We nod and I feel slightly sad that I won't be able to see Uriah daily anymore. I got used to our shared meals and him being around most of the time. But I understand the importance of this decision and hope that there will be room for him and me to meet in-between our now busy schedule. Kent continues speaking and I listen intently again, pushing away my musings.

"That means for you Uriah that you will start to work with the head of our unit, will start your day with her and end it when she says so. You will follow her routine, get accustomed to the dealings with the other organisations within Dauntless. That part of your education will take up the most time until the middle of next year. I believe Anna planned for you to go through a few other stations within the unit as well." I am slightly surprised that the head of the control room unit is a woman and scoff slightly at myself. I never believed in anyone saying that men are better in some jobs then women and the other way around. All the more I am put out by my own surprise.

"As for you Tris, you will take a look at the programming unit within the control unit, will visit Erudite to finish some dealings concerning the new technology they plan to install and are mostly occupied by learning the ins and outs about organising this part of Dauntless. Max wants to make sure that your knowledge about the members working here, their tasks and working load and the technique we use is up to standard and that you are aware of all the small things that add up to a whole picture." Its sounds logically that he wants me to know all these things but I ask myself if two weeks are really enough for all of this. I think I just have to wait and see. I feel intrigued about the visit to Erudite and look forward to find out how my Faction deals with the Faction of Knowledge and Understanding.

"If you don't have questions you are dismissed. I will mail you the contacts, appointed time and meeting place for your assigned instructors for the next two weeks." Uriah frowns for a moment and Kent catches his slightly confused eyes. He then starts to search his desk, only seconds later pulling a touchpad out from under some folders and extents it to Uriah.

"I nearly forgot about that. Make sure you have it with you the whole time. Certain matters can't be planned and sometimes you need to plan an impromptu meeting. Anna likes to surprises us all." Uriah nods, smiling slightly and secures his new device inside a pocket of his jacket.

"It was a pleasure working with you two. Keep up the good work." Kent says and starts to type away on his computer. Uriah and I frown slightly but understand that we are finally dismissed and leave the office.

* * *

I more jog then walk to my apartment only to find out that Tobias isn't there yet. I scowl slightly, unlock my door and pull out my touchpad. Eric has already written a message half an hour ago and I make sure to explain to him that Kent held me up with a meeting because half my time is up in the unit. I also explain to him in a short paragraph that I won't be able to make it to his flat this evening and that he doesn't need to wait for me. I don't go into detail why I won't be able and his reply is casual so I don't think he is angry for the interruption of our patterns. Because it is Friday I hope he enjoys some time with his friends.

It's strange to be alone in my own flat and I lightly scoff at myself. I am so used after only two weeks to have Eric with me when I am here that his absence is noticed immediately. I sigh, put down my touchpad on the counter and hang my jacket into my closet. I am tired but I try to stay active, brew myself tea and go through my notes. I want to be as focused as I can be when Tobias shows up for our talk because I don't want to miss any of his reactions, gestures and facial expressions. He can't hide things from me too well, but I know without a doubt that he will try it and maybe my sensors are a bit rusty because I wasn't around him for four years. My hands shake with nervousness a bit and I try to calm myself down. I don't want to jump to conclusions too soon and maybe my worries are unnecessary.

I don't try to look at the clock in the right corner of my touchpad too often but it's hard not to. My studies that could keep my mind off of things a week ago don't help at all at the moment. I feel the prickle of nervous energy in my limbs and pace a few times from my living room to my bedroom and back. It doesn't help much but it's the only thing I can do. Going down to the training room to put my energy to good use isn't an alternative of course. And taking a relaxing shower is out of the questions because I am afraid I will miss Tobias' knocks.

I brew myself some tea and I occupy my mind with pulling up facts from memory and revise them. My tea is finished soon, though and I take a cup with me to my window, my legs leaning against the now hot heater. I smile slightly when I remember how Eric fixed it and some part of me wishes that he could be with me at the moment. The bigger part though doesn't want to rely on him and I sigh heavily.

I watch the dark sky, the moon appearing and disappearing behind clouds. I can't see the stars and I am slightly disappointed because I combine looking at them with memories of Tobias and me laying in the warm air in autumn, high grass around us and staying away from home for just a bit longer to pretend everything is alright. The smile that comes to my face vanishes a second later. He still isn't here and my biological clock tells me that our shift is already over for at least an hour if not more.

My legs carry me back to my couch, taking up my touchpad again. I feel anger rise inside of me at the thought that Tobias maybe stands me up but try to come up with excuses anyway. Maybe Kent held him up to speak to him or Lynn wanted to spend some time.

When my teacup is empty I risk a look at the time and grit my teeth. After two hours he still hasn't shown up. I contemplate leaving my apartment to search for him or maybe just go to his. My decision is an easy one. I stand up, throw my touchpad down on the sofa with a bit more force then planned and grab my jacket and key to leave the apartment. I can't believe him and I don't believe it myself. I try to suppress the hurt with anger and it works for the moment.

I throw open my door only to run into a broad chest. I take a step back, hope making an appearance because maybe finally Tobias is here and doesn't evade me anymore. I look up to see Peter, hand up about to knock on a door that is already open. I school my features to not let him see that I am disappointed it is him.

"Stiff, I mean I am happy to see you too, but don't you think it's a bit too much to come running to me?" He smirks down at me and my lips pull up into a broad grin at his tone. I am surprised that he came to find me after he probably just arrived back from the Factionless sector, still wearing his west that indicates him as a Dauntless Guard, his name embroidered white threads on the black fabric.

"Don't get your hopes up, Candor. I was about to leave to search for that idiot of a brother of mine. But it's nice to see you back at the compound. Now I know where to go to get some exercise." Peter's smile falls lightly but I don't know why. We stay in my doorway for a second and I think about going through with my plan to search for Tobias when Peter is here, ready to see me, talk to me. I smile at Peter then, inviting him into my flat and turn around to enter my apartment again, too. Tobias can wait. If he doesn't see the need to visit me, to speak to me I won't go running after him. I am tired of his behavior.

"Doesn't that boyfriend of yours take care of that now? Maybe you should reconsider your decision if he leaves you unsatisfied." My face flushes a crimson red and Peter laughs loudly when he sees it. I scowl at him. I try to come up with a comeback but my brain is blank. Peter's eyes widen slightly and his laugh stops.

"Don't tell me you haven't gone down that road yet." He says, falling into the cushions of my couch.

"I don't want to talk about that with you, Candor." I grit out through my teeth and he shrugs nonchalantly. Why did I like him again, I ask myself. But I know why I like him. He takes my mind off of things easily. First it was our sparing and now his surprise visit.

"Fair enough, but if you ever need some advice..." I scowl at him and he doesn't finish his sentence, letting it hang in the air between us. I shake my head at him.

"I will never come to ask you, yes." I reply and we both chuckle.

"So, tell me about your week, we don't have all night." I get him a water because he doesn't want my tea and tell him about the things I learned and what lays ahead of me. He asks polite questions, but I guess he isn't interested really. I appreciate his agreeing nods and perfect-timed answers and quips, though and keep my description short because I am more curious about his two weeks anyway.

"So, tell me what awaits me when I come to the barracks at the end of November." I say, leaning back against the other end of the couch, my body turned to Peter, legs crossed in front of me. He mirrors my position. I warm my hands at the teacup and make myself ready to absorb his hopefully lively and long explanations. Anything that distracts me from thoughts of Tobias is welcomed at the moment. I feel darkness creep up again within me and push it down violently.

"It's everything I expected and more." He begins, eyes staring out into the night through my windows. His lips are pulled up into a gentle smile I have never seen before and I feel myself smile alongside him.

"The guys are alright. We play cards in our free time, talk about random things. The tone is a bit rough and the jokes crude though, so make sure to be prepared for some idiotic sexist remarks when you get there. But it's all in good humor and no one has hard feelings when he ends up at the end of a joke. And there are just two other women. I guess because your gender tends to bitch-fight a lot and all of you feel like you have to compare to each other all the time. But her tits are smaller than mine..." My foot meets his chin, interrupting his pseudo-imitation of his female colleagues and I smirk at his painful expression.

"Concentrate, Candor and be nice. I still know your weak points." My voice is competitive and I hope we can meet in the training hall before he needs to get back to the barracks. I could use someone to spar with me that is on an equal level and doesn't go easy on me. I am bit confused when his smirking face falls into an angry frown after a few silent moments.

"What is it?" I ask, a bit concern clouding my words and I furrow my brows at him. He shrugs nonchalantly and I think he wants to calm me down with his gesture. When he starts to speak, his tone is hard, though and he can't hide the disgust he must feel.

"The commander is an asshole. He takes pleasure in letting us run stupid errands, interferes our duties with them and messes with the shifts more times than not. And he is the first to comment on the girls whenever they go to the shower or toilette or whatever. He even goes so far as to touch them. Fortunately the guys are always there to stop him. We all hate his guts, but because he is the leader or at least the one in charge for our barrack we can't say too much. And I try to lay low for the moment because I already am under strict watch all the time – being the new face and shit like that. I try to ignore him because I think he is not worth my time, but I also think I can't take his stupid face for much longer." His hands are balled into tight fists, knuckles white from the pressure and I bite my lip at his violent reaction. I try to think of something to distract him from his feelings and can only think of a stupid joke.

"I hope you still know how to punch to break a nose multiple times. I am not sure if you don't go soft out there." He shoots me a glare, but the corners of his mouth pull up into a smile, his hands relaxing in his lap.

"I will show you how I can punch first thing in the morning." He says and I nod. I am glad that the distraction worked and he again is as calm as he normally is. I am glad that he distracts me as well.

"Deal." I answer, meeting his challenging eyes with a smirk. We stay silent for a moment and I feel the tiredness creeping into my bones once again and with it comes the fear of my own thoughts. I have to be careful to concentrate on anything else then the darkness I feel inside my chest and I am glad that Peter came to see me and unconsciously gave me something else to concentrate on instead of the pain and anger Tobias' behavior installed within me. I know these feelings are there, they brew within my stomach. I shake my head slightly.

"When do you go back to the Factionless sector?" I ask, holding up a hand to hide my yawn.

"Monday morning. I guess I can't come back until January though. Winter is fast approaching and we have to pull longer shifts because the Factionless are restless through this time of the year. More fights, more fires out of control. I'll let you know if I can come back before you have to go to start your training there." I nod in thanks, smiling slightly. He stands up then, stretching the muscles in his legs and back. The same part that wanted Eric to be with me an hour ago now wants Peter to stay for a bit longer, maybe talk a bit more or anything really. But it is ruled out easily by the bigger part of me that wants to face the darkness and my brother on my own.

I mirror his movements, my legs feeling a bit wobbly because I sat too long in one position. I bring him to my door, taking my jacket and key with me and securing the touchpad into one of my pockets. I have to suppress the nervousness I feel, my hands going cold, my stomach churning.

"Thanks for the water and I'll meet you around 7 am in the training hall?" I nod again and there is an uncomfortable moment in which we both decide on a way to say goodbye to each other. I lock up my door, pull my jacket on and stand in front of Peter uncertainly for a moment. He smirks at my frown, pulls me into a one-arm short hug and then turns around to go to his apartment. And just like that I think we are again a bit closer and my excuse to not think about Tobias gone.

* * *

I make my way up two floors, taking my time though, pausing in the corridor to take a deep breath that I hope will calm me. My memory provides me with the scenarios I made up why he didn't come but they do next to nothing to the tension in my chest. He promised me to be there and the Tobias I had known would never go back on his word. He would make sure to keep it or excuse himself if there wasn't any other way. But he didn't. I still can't believe that Tobias really didn't show up.

The calmness I try to come up with out of thin air is just that - no existing. My control over the darkness within me slips faster now without anything that can distract me. I feel that the strain to keep the pain away gets too much. And then something inside of me breaks, cuts a part of me that was still a bit innocent, the phantom pain in my chest making me breathless. I lean against a wall for a moment, pulling myself together as best as I can. Maybe it was my unconditional love for my brother that was just destroyed, I think when I get some air back into my lungs.

I put a hand in-between my breasts to try to massage away the pain, even hiss slightly because it is sharp and lasts so long. My face is pulled into a mask of regret, anger and hurt. I regret that I trusted Tobias to know how to handle me. I feel anger for his indifferent behavior and hurt because I know now that all of my fears where right. I try to protect the small amount of trust I build up for the people around me, but it crumbles around the edges because how could I trust them when my own brother, my everything, treats me like this. I won't decide it yet, I still have something to do.

I square my shoulders then because this part is well known to me. I know how to stand up even if the fall is so painful. And I know how to carry on. How much I lose on the way I don't know yet and I won't think about it just yet. I have to make sure I feel all of this for a reason and have to convince myself that my judgement is fair and just.

When the feelings slightly dim down and my mind is made up I start to walk again. I know it is late but maybe it is my only chance to see him and let him know what he did to me. And I want to show him how I feel, want to throw it into his stupid face I loved so much and I even hope that he feels the same for just a second. I don't like myself for the notion but it just seems fair at this place in time. But maybe he isn't in the position to feel my pain? Maybe he can't feel it anymore because he is the one to shut me out and move on without me. I shudder slightly and it costs me nearly my last energy to push away the thought.

I knock and make sure that it is loud enough for him to hear. I stand before his door, staring it down to open already and sigh when it stays closed. Maybe he won't even answer. I knock again, contemplating risking the rage of his neighbours or letting him get away and maybe lose my resolve before I see him again. I don't need to think long.

"Four! Open up the fucking door." I yell, my hand now hammering against the wood, putting enough force behind my fist to let the stupid wood shake in its frame. I grit my teeth, hold onto the anger inside of me. I haven't any patience left for him.

"FOUR! I won't repeat myself!" I yell again, feeling desperation raising within me. He is my brother for Dauntless' sake and even though he doesn't care for me and my feelings anymore and even though I feel like I can't care for him anymore because he hurt me so deeply I have a fucking right to talk to him. He owns me this much at least.

I continue to knock on his door, but with every knock I feel my energy and anger slowly vanishing, leaving me alone with the phantom pain like there is a hole in my chest too big to close anymore. I feel my shoulders slump forward, my forehead leaning against the cool wood.

"Tobias, please, open the door." I whisper and I am surprised that I still feel hope within me as well. But it dies soon enough when even after what feels like hours no one opens the door and I am alone in the cold corridor. I push myself back from the wood and I can't breathe for a moment. I lean against the wall next to his door, my legs giving out under me and I sit down. I press my hands against my face, feel the burning behind my eyes but I grit my teeth. He doesn't deserve my tears. I haven't cried since mother died and I won't cry now. But it's so hard to hold myself together when I break a bit more inside.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._

_*Quote by Albert Einstein_


	40. Chapter 39

_A/N: Hello everyone. Thank you for the reviews, as always. I had fun writing this chapter - especially Peter's part. Hope you enjoy it and get some more clues where this is going. Check out my other stories, if you want to. _

_Thanks to my beta, Torry-Riddle. Miss you, hun._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

I push myself to my feet, rub my eyes expecting to feel the traitorous wetness but my hands stay dry. I breathe a few times, my arms crossed in front of my chest and start my way back to my apartment. I think about knocking on Eric's door fleetingly, because I know without a doubt his presence would help me now, but I am not ready to show him how broken I am and I don't want him to see the weakness I feel. I know I promised him I would try to be open with him but I can't. Not after the one person I trusted with all my heart threw it back into my face without a second thought.

I don't know how long it takes me to enter my apartment, jacket sliding from my shoulders. I make my way to my bedroom, pulling off my boots and curl under the covers of my bed. My eyes don't burn anymore. I am glad that I don't feel the pain for the moment. I float in indifference because maybe this emotional rollercoaster is closed for the night. I hope it is. I want to sleep now, forget about everything but first I know I have to make up my mind about a few things. I won't be able to get some rest if I don't.

I press my face into my pillow and take a deep breath. It smells of Eric. He isn't here now and I don't want him to, but his lingering scent calms me and for a few seconds I feel something. A light flutter in my heart. I never thought I could feel something like I feel for him. But I also never thought Tobias could treat me this way and he did.

I know that I left some part of me in front of his door. The part of me that hero-worshipped her brother, that trusted him without a fault, that believed he would always be the one I can rely on. But I can't anymore and when I am honest with myself I couldn't for a long time. I think no one can replace him and I don't want him to be replaced as well. I don't want to depend on someone like I did on him ever again.

But I also don't want to be distant again from the people around me. I don't want to stay away from Eric and I think no matter the circumstances I couldn't. To a lesser degree this wish spreads to my friends. To Chris with her lovable personality, to Uriah with the easy smiles, to Jules who was there for me when I sill tried to be distant, to Peter who I like more the more time I spent with him and all of the others that were there right from the beginning when I chose myself and chose to become myself. If Dauntless taught me anything it is the amazement at companionship and revelling in it.

In all of my pain I felt a part of my build up trust for my friends and even Eric crumble but I can feel that it is still slightly there. And I want to keep it. I don't want to throw it away and destroy it in my pain for my lost brother. They are not him. Maybe I can understand this phrase better because I already experienced that blood isn't thicker than water when my father's belt went down on my back for the first time. Maybe I can't trust my own family anymore but the people that are slowly becoming one.

I feel relief at the thought, sigh slightly. The phantom pain from the hole in my chest is still there, the loss I feel, the regret and everything else. But there is also a tiny hope that I will be able to carry on for real and not as a hollow shell.

I take a deep breath again, letting Eric's scent invade my nose, the memories of his hands and lips on me making me warm on the inside. I drift slowly into sleep and know I won't dream of the demons in my head because as long as I can still trust at least a bit, I am not alone with them.

* * *

A persistent knock on my door wakes me up. I wait for a moment and hope that whoever needs to see me just goes away again. I have a light headache and my body feels sore a bit. It's strange and new to me to some degree to experience emotional pain now physically as well. My resolve to not distant me again is still there but I also want to have some more time to get myself up a bit more and maybe even let myself feel something again, the indifference still numbing most parts of me. I don't want anyone to see me in this state but the knocks haven't stopped yet and I think I hear voices as well. I don't want to open the damn door but push myself out from under my covers nonetheless. I need a moment to find my balance when I stand up, my bedroom tipping to the side or I am myself.

I start to set one foot in front of the other and my small flat feels like it has expanded into eternity overnight. Or maybe my steps are tiny because I feel exhaustion is still in my bones. When I finally reach my front door I look down to my feet and see the same clothes I wore yesterday wrinkled from sleeping in them. I shrug at myself, not really caring and take a deep breath, trying to tell my face to not look as if I am in pain constantly. Honestly I don't feel any expression on it though so maybe I can go with neutral.

I open the door to find both Peter and Eric in front of it. I try for a smile but quickly stop the attempt because I think I will end up grimacing. I sigh, wait a moment longer for them to state their business but it doesn't seem like they will tell me what they want and go again. So I let them both pass, reminding me that I am in love with one of them and like the other very much. I don't have to push them away. But I feel tired still and just want a few more hours. I close my front door and take a moment before I turn around to meet their eyes.

"You look like shit, Stiff." Peter starts without missing a beat and I am happy I manage an acceptable scowl. I know how I look or at least can imagine it. But I also know he tries to hide his concern with the remark. It reverberates in my ears. I feel a light flutter through the numbness but can't identify the feeling that caused it yet.

"Sorry I didn't take my time to look all nice for you, Candor. Your knocks sounded quite urgent." I answer over my shoulder while I go to the kitchenette to start tea. I don't want to drink or eat anything but the small task lets me focus on something else then the ache in my chest that is surrounded by numbness. And because I don't have to face them. Maybe I do them both a favor as well because that way they don't have to look at me, too. The silence bothers me so I start to speak randomly.

"Do you want something to drink? I don't think I have anything really, but maybe a water or some tea as well?" I ask, forcing my voice to sound light and carefree and failing only slightly. I claw at the indifference within me. I know it is dangerous to get lost of it now but I want to feel something again. Maybe guilt for the worried, but angry glances Eric throws my way and for the way Peter furrows his brows. Or a content feeling because they worry at all and my small trust isn't misplaced in them. I sigh because I don't succeed and close the refrigerator because there isn't anything other than water bottles and a few eggs.

"Do you have coffee?" Peter answers and I hear the scraping of a barstool on my dark hardwood floor. He probably now sits at the counter. I shake my head, turn around, an apologetic expression on my face and he shrugs. I feel a light flutter again because I managed to push my face into something else then a neutral mask.

"I could go down to the Pit quickly and get you some." I say, already starting to search my pockets for my keys. I look at Peter and he is about to say something but is interrupted by a low growl. My heartbeat quickens and the flutter returns strongly. Eric. Peter's mouth shuts immediately.

"Cut the shit. Both of you." Eric speaks up, arms crossed, eyes hard. I feel a warm feeling rise inside of me and shiver lightly. Maybe my mind is really a bit twisted because no person in its right mind would feel affection for his display. But I know what lays underneath it and maybe that makes the huge difference.

"Tris, tell us what happened." He demands, his voice as hard as his eyes. I look at him, take in his posture but I am not quite ready to talk about it.

"Just a few more minutes." I mumble, hoping he can find enough patience in him to give me the time and feels my promise. He nods once, sighing. I am thankful for his reaction and for the whistling kettle that gives me something to do again. I fill my tea pot to the brim with the hot water and let the tea bag glide into it. I take out two cups, thinking that maybe both Eric and I need something that will calm us down in a few minutes.

"How come you two appear out of nowhere in front of my door?" I ask, leaning against the counter, arms crossed in front of my chest. I relax a bit more when I feel a bit of curiosity within me.

"Quite funny story actually." Peter starts and I see Eric scowl for a second. Maybe it's not funny at all and he is nearly at the end of his tether after my request. But he doesn't interrupt Peter when he starts his tale.

"So I was waiting for you in the training hall to wipe the mat with your tiny ass and funny thing is even after over an hour you didn't appear. Knowing you the way I do, I didn't think you chickened out of our deal and good friend that I am started looking for you." Peter continues, forcing out a humorless chuckle. I feel unease through my numbness at the sound of his voice. Maybe it is uncomfortable for Peter to worry about someone because the whole concept of our friendship is still something he gets used to. His voice stops my thoughts.

"So I went to Eric, because I thought I would find you and your behind pressed against him in his bed, but strongly enough our dear Leader had no idea where you are. And to put it plainly he was quite furious with worry." I try to stifle the tiny smile that comes to my face because it isn't funny at all that I made two people worry because I had a difficult evening and night and couldn't drag myself out of bed. But I feel happiness flutter in my heart because Peter's story gives me back some more control of my feelings and emotions and they aren't just a flutter anymore. I can feel the dimmed down gratitude for his way of telling me the things that happened before they came here.

"Said furious Leader and I made our way to your lovely apartment to politely inquire what it is with you vanishing and not being punctual for once. To cut the long story short because I see you enjoy it far too much, it ended in a knocking contest, who could be louder and more forceful, I say he wins hands down, until our little sunshine – that means you – opened the door." He stops there and I feel a small scowl appear on my features at his description of me. Peter smirks in return and bows mockingly.

"Cool story." I say, turning around again and pulling the tea bag out of the water. I fill two mugs with the warm liquid and go around the counter. I am slightly glad to have my balance back, otherwise my floor would have been a mess when I finally reach Eric. He doesn't take the cup, arms still crossed, shoulders squared and a bit more tense than they were before Peter started his story.

When I look up into his face I don't find amusement there and let my eyes fall back. I nod to show him I will be ready soon and go over to my couch, setting one cup down on the coffee table before curling my legs under myself. Silence fills the space between the two men and me but I am not sure how to stop it. I just need a few more minutes and I try to tell Eric as much with my eyes. I am not sure if he gets the message because I am still not in full control of my emotions. I guess he does though because his jaw works hard for a moment but then relaxes, as do his shoulders for the slightest bit. Peter speaks up again.

"Because my story was so fantastic, you could share one of your own. I think I remember saying beforehand a story for a story." I look down into the liquid, brows furrowed lightly but even this expression gives me hope to maybe feel normal again after some more time.

"Oh, I know a good one you haven't told us yet. How about the time when I left your apartment yesterday night and you went to look for your brother because he stoop you up? I think that will be quite entertaining to hear, don't you think, Eric?" My hands start to cramp around my mug, my shoulders hurt because I am so tense and I grit my teeth to not hiss in pain. My feelings are back full force suddenly and I massage with one of my hands the spot between my breasts, trying to hide the movement as best as I can because I don't think it's normal to feel this pain in the heart in my age and they already worried so much.

"Tris." I look up then, look into Eric's eyes. They are still the grey I love so much when I look into them, but they are darker as well, a severe storm raging inside his mind. I know he tries his best to keep calm when he speaks up, but there is an edge in his voice that speaks of worry and anger.

"I try to give you the time and space that you need but I am worried and not very patient." I look at him for a moment longer, push the pain in the region of my chest back in my mind and nod slightly. He was very patient with me.

"I am sorry." I say, deep regret in my voice that surprises me. I don't know for how many things I apologize. For letting them worry about me? For not being able to open up sooner? For testing Eric's patience? For needing time to feel something again? I don't think it matters. The words themselves do.

Eric holds my eyes, maybe searches for something I am not aware of. I am slightly uncomfortable with his grey fixed on my grey-blue, am afraid that he sees more then I want him to see at least for a while. Just when I want to avert my eyes, he does and nods. I sigh when he takes a few steps and sits down next to me. I feel relief when his hand touches my back, his palm and fingers feeling just right, his heat seeping through my shirt into my skin. I wasn't aware I was freezing but it shouldn't surprise me as well. I take a deep breath and start to talk.

"I went to see Four because he promised me to visit that evening after our shift in the control room... so we could talk again. I don't even know what he is up to most of the time and I hate that he is distant. I am not used to it. So when Peter said goodbye I made my way up to his door to ask him if everything is alright... and maybe I overreacted a bit when he didn't answer the door." I explain, my voice low. I don't want to reveal more about my inner workings and thoughts, don't want them to know that something inside of me is destroyed and lets sharp pain ripple through me. Not yet. I feel Eric's lips brush my temple and look up to him.

"Maybe it's my turn to tell you a short story." Eric says and I am surprised he plays along to the stupid interaction I had with Peter. I nod, throwing a glance at Peter, who is watching us intently.

"When I woke up this morning, I wanted to get ready to see you and maybe even take you somewhere because the weather was good enough and you haven't been out in weeks. I was about to go to your apartment when someone knocked at my door. Surprisingly I found some of my neighbours in front of it telling me in certain and angry voices that some – and I quote them – bitch made a scene in front of Four's door in the middle of the night." I flinch slightly at the description while Eric continues to look at me with calmness.

"As I said, I may have overreacted a bit." I answer his silent question and he nods, accepting my words. He pulls me against him then with the arm that is around my back and I am glad my cup is nearly empty because I just fall into him, not able to coordinate my body with the sudden movement.

"Maybe it makes you feel better when I tell you that Four was called away for an emergency after his shift." I want to feel relief at Eric's words, want to feel silly for my reaction, want my mind to absorb it and maybe find forgiveness for my brother. But I can't. The only thing that registers is that Eric makes an effort to tell me this. I know that things between him and Four are difficult and that they don't like each other very much. Maybe a lesser man would use that situation to widen the rift between me and my brother. Not that that is possible anymore. But Eric isn't a lesser man in any aspect and tries to make me feel better. I feel an emotion within me that soothes the pain I feel because of Tobias, if only a bit. And my resolve to let the small trust for my friends and he remain in me grows.

My thoughts go back to Eric's words and I try to feel alright, try to feel the wound closing a bit, but it doesn't. Maybe it is too fresh or too deep. I try to tell myself Tobias didn't stand me up because he wanted to but because he had to deal with important matters and for a second I think it works. But then my mind tells me that he could have send a message or let someone know to rely this information to me and he didn't. He didn't care enough to make a small arrangement so I wouldn't wait for him pointlessly. He takes me for granted. I grit my teeth at the thought and the anger within me is freeing me even more from the lethargy I felt. It strengthens my other resolve: To not depend on Four again because he doesn't deserve my trust anymore.

"Thank you." I say loud enough for Eric and Peter to hear because I really am grateful because they care, because they don't take me for granted and because they show me I can trust them. They aren't Four who takes me for granted. It's like a mantra in my head and I try to break the circle of the takes me for granted. Its Peter's voice that succeeds, though.

"I think I will be on my way now seeing you are as normal as you get again." He says out of the blue and I think that maybe he is uncomfortable being the third wheel. He already did more than I expected him to if at all. Our friendship is new and fresh, hasn't had time to grow or find a solid ground besides sparing and exchanging sarcastic remarks. But he took the time to care and to worry. He searched for me and knows me good enough already to be certain I am punctual and wouldn't just stand him up. I sit up a bit and shake my head. He stops in his tracks and turns towards Eric and me.

"No, please don't. Are you still up for sparing?" I ask him and a smirk appears on his face.

"It may be too easy to win against you in this state but I don't care for fairness very much at the moment." He replies and I laugh. It doesn't sound like my usual laugh, is a bit rough around the edges and a bit hollow but it's more like myself then I was until this point.

"Let me shower and put on some clothes and Eric will congratulate me in an hour or two because I wiped the mat with your tiny ass." I throw his words he used back at him and Peter chuckles, meeting my challenging eyes. I feel my fire returning to me and embrace it. It burns away some of the pain.

"We will see." He says, shrugging his shoulders nonchalant. I kiss Eric before I stand up and discover his eyes are the normal light grey again. I smile at him a bit wobbly, but I smile and he presses a kiss to my temple.

* * *

I moan slightly when Eric, Peter and I exit the training hall three hours later, rubbing a bruise on my stomach I received when I let my arms drop too early after deflecting Peter's knee. But Peter spots a nice bruise on his jaw and I see with a self-satisfied smirk that he also tries to hide a limp. If there was still a bit of numbness and indifference left when we exited my apartment it is surely gone now and I enjoy the pulsing, happy emotions inside of me. Eric kisses the crown of my hair, arm around my waist and emanating a carefree vibe I never felt before from him.

"So, the Stiff beating the Candor 6 to 8. I am so proud of you, love." He says when we enter the Pit and Peter scowls at the comment though isn't comfortable enough to meet Eric's eyes head on. I think to the majority of Dauntless Eric will always be the intimidating and cold Leader that is slightly too young for his position, but holds the grudging respect because everyone knows he earned his spot, is one of the best. And maybe this kind of respect is what Peter feels at the moment. He doesn't appear to be one to bow to authorities, holds himself with arrogance and self-assurance. But since we started initiation I observed him around Eric because I watched Eric really and there was always a certain glint in his eyes that was lacking when he interacted with Amar or other Dauntless members that were or are higher up in the food chain. Maybe Peter sees himself at least a bit in Eric.

"Well, I told you I would wipe the mat with you." I quip up to soften the tension, chuckling softly and Peter scoffs again. He looks at me for a moment and brushes my comment off with one of his remarks.

"Please, you only had a chance because I taunted you so long that rage took over and you fought on instinct." He says with a lazy drawl, bumping his shoulder to mine. I hiss softly because he catches a bruise and it's my turn to scowl. But it doesn't stay long on my face, instead a thankful smile appears.

"And I thank you for that wholeheartedly." I say and he bows in response. I laugh lightly and think I will miss Peter when he is gone again. I hope he will keep in touch in some way but I doubt it. As far as I can tell the work as a Guard in the Factionless sector doesn't leave you with much free time because you are always on duty, no matter if your plan says your free time begins or not.

"I don't know about you, boys, but I am really hungry now." I declare and I see Eric and Peter nod in agreement. We make our way over to the cafeteria, Eric taking my hand in his.

"As if you eat more than a few crumbs." Peter says teasingly and gets in line behind Eric and me. I know I am small and though I put on some weight I am more on the athletic side of the spectrum. It never bothered me before and I know Peter wants to test the waters, maybe wants to prove his statement from the night before that women tent to react badly to remarks like this. I am surprised when Eric speaks up, though.

"I have to agree. You should take more care of yourself and eat frequently. I know you skipped some meals throughout the week when we couldn't eat together." He raises an eyebrow and I huff at them. Eric squeezes my hip lightly to placate me and I lean against him, enjoy his heat because I am slightly cold after my work-out with Peter. When a shiver runs down my spine, making me yelp lightly in surprise Eric looks down to me and frowns for a moment.

"You should have taken a jacket with you." He says casually, his voice calm. I shrug nonchalantly and don't feel too bad about forgetting it, forgiving myself my thoughtlessness because I know I was still preoccupied with too many other things. Eric steps back a bit and I look at him puzzled. In the next moment he starts to pull off his pullover and hands it too me. I stare at him for a moment, standing there in his black t-shirt, marveling his muscular body. He smirks probably at my slightly wide eyes and wants to say something but is interrupted by Peter who mumbles 'show-off' from behind us.

I bite my lip and Eric throws him one of his looks. This time though Peter doesn't back down and answers with a challenging glint in his dark blue eyes and a smirk on his lips. I shake my head at them both, pull on Eric's pullover.

"You know I will keep it?" I ask him casually, smiling softly, rolling up the sleeves. Peter rolls his eyes but doesn't say anything. I hope Eric understands the meaning, still knows that I once kept Tobias' pullover and makes the connection. That he is as important to me.

"I hope you do." Eric whispers at my ear, nipping it lightly. When he pulls back, he is smirking at me and we stare a short moment at each other, a flutter in my heart, cheeks red. He squeezes my hip again, fingers brushing down to my behind casually and I jerk forward a bit. His smirk widens, my cheeks color a bit more and Peter clears his throat and points to the line. I get myself a tray packed with a cheese sandwich, scrambled eggs and a salad, laying down a bottle of water next to the plate and bowls.

I let Eric and Peter search for a table because the cafeteria is crowded and I would have to stand on my tiptoes to even see one myself. I like the life that goes on around me, enjoy the laughs, loud conversations and clattering of metal on metal. It makes me feel alive and as if I am a part of something big. I think I will always love this atmosphere in a Dauntless meeting place. It's the same with the Pit. Eric leads me through the mass of people with a secure hand on my back and we sit down at a table in a corner, a bit away from the other Dauntless that already occupy the place. His hand finds mine under the table and I don't care that I have to eat with my left hand.

I concentrate on my food while Peter and Eric discuss some matters concerning his education as a Factionless Guard. Eric's thumb caresses the back of my hand and I feel content. I observe their interaction and discover a new side of Eric. He listens intently to the things Peter says, points out crucial parts he should take a closer look at and gives him hints what he needs to practice concerning his fighting techniques. Maybe that is the side Uriah talked about in initiation, the approachable part that cares for the Dauntless members at least a bit, that wants them up to standard and sees talent when it is there. I think his Erudite upbringing helps him with that, lets him share the important information with a listening ear. Maybe he even enjoys his position as instructor even though my first impression was that he would like to be anywhere else when I met him on Choosing Day.

In-between his conversation Eric continues to touch me, look at me randomly. It is as if he wants to make sure I am still next to him. Maybe my small disappearance this morning and the short uncertainty he must have felt has him still on edge to some point. I feel affection rush through me and squeeze his hand. His eyes meet mine and I find the same feeling in them.

Peter starts a discussion on the aspects of initiation and Dauntless as a Faction in our city, the role we play and Eric answers him argument for argument and I think he enjoys the interaction with the former Candor, speaking more then he usually does and without the edge of coldness that is normally present when he talks to anyone outside his friends and me. It's strange to see him interact this way but I enjoy it enormously. Maybe Peter is the sort of person who can bring out hidden facets of a person. He did so with myself because whenever he is around I find myself answering his quips and sly remarks with my own, find sarcasm and irony within me that aren't there when he isn't around. And maybe I think he does something like this with Eric as well. His features are more relaxed and his charisma changes the slightest bit though I think I am nearly the only one that recognizes it.

When they start to speak about the situation of the Factionless my interest is picked and I listen closely, letting my mind focus on the present.

"I always thought that they lived in small groups but according to the guys they started to appear in bigger crowds three months ago. And they seem to hide something, laying low. According to one of my colleagues who sends the reports to the compound there are still the common things that transpire like brawls, attempted rape and murder but mostly it has calmed down." Peter says, letting his fork flip back and forth between his thumb and pointer finger. Eric is deep in thought for a moment, a frown on his face. His hand wanders unconsciously to my back, under the hem of his pullover and my tank top, drawing small circles on my skin.

"I read the reports. It's unsettling." He answers Peter, his voice calm but with a different edge in it now. I know at least from watching it how hard life in the Factionless sector can be. For the children born in it, for the families living there. The apartments and kitchens Abnegation and the other Factions built in my childhood are still there but we had a few hard years in the last decade and couldn't distribute as much as the Abnegation government would have wanted to. I frown slightly why Eric describes their behavior as unsettling when it seems like the Factionless are only trying to live their hard life.

"Why do you two worry about it? Isn't it good that the criminal rate has gone back?" I ask curiously. Both stay silent for a moment.

"Because of their circumstances the Factionless prefer to live in small groups. They don't trust anyone from outside their social circle." Peter starts to explain then and I play with the cap of my water bottle, enjoying Eric's touches, his heat soothing the sore muscles in my back.

"It's normal for them to be suspicious of big groups. Their behavior finds it roots in the mixture of envy for food and clothes, fear for their children and worries for the next days. They live in the now and are aware the whole time that they aren't safe." Eric continues and I nod. I know as much. I lived next door to the sector for the bigger part of my life and was able to talk to some of the Factionless women who came to get sewing kits and other small things. I volunteered to help the older Abnegation to distribute the food and clothes the other Factions could effort to donate. I know it never was enough and saw some fights between different Factionless over things like a sheet or a new pair of shoes.

Because I have seen all this I always felt sorry for the people that didn't fit into the Factions and it strengthened my resolve to never become a Factionless myself no matter what my father put me through. I don't like to feel pity for anyone because it helps no one but the person that bestows it on another person or a situation and at first I thought it was the Abnegation teaching making me feel it for the Factionless. But when I think about it now my feelings haven't changed and maybe pity is the starting point for other emotions that are constructive and lead to bravery and selflessness. And I still think that being Factionless is the hardest faith someone in our city can have. Eric speaks up again and I concentrate on his words.

"It changes the way people interact with one another and behave when they are constantly in danger and fear for their lives. They fight more, don't shy away from criminal acts like theft or assaults even murder because their circumstances don't allow them to be soft." I try to wrap my mind around these things but it's slightly hard to understand because I myself haven't lived like that and just seeing it gives me no real insight.

"So it's unsettling because it doesn't fit with the situation they find themselves in?" I ask and Eric nods. We are silent for a moment and I see Peter shrug then.

"Of course it is always a possibility that they just lay low because winter is quickly approaching and they need to concentrate on themselves to make it through it. Erudite reports that we have to prepare for a hard winter, blizzards and things like that. So maybe the Factionless heard about it and try to find shelter instead of killing each other off." Peter says, face in a thoughtful frown. I look to Eric but he doesn't seem to be convinced.

"Yes, maybe it's just that." He replies though. It seems like our conversation is at an end then, leaving behind a certain tension in the air. I feel that the words exchanged have Eric deep in thought and I squeeze his thigh. He looks down to me and I smile slightly. He nods once and Peter stands up then, taking his tray in one hand and pushing his free hand into his pants pocket.

"Thank you for sparing, stiff. Take care of yourself." He says, his voice floating between nonchalance and honesty. I frown, taken aback by his sudden departure.

"Won't I see you tomorrow for a rematch?" I ask trying to put some lightness back into the atmosphere around us. He shakes his head.

"I have to sit through a few meetings and they want to instruct me on some technique that we use in the barracks." Peter replies and I see a mixture of eagerness and expectation in his eyes. I nod and feel a bit sad that he has to leave so soon. But we are Dauntless and we have to be prepared to protect and guard. It's what makes our Faction the Faction of the brave, what makes us tick to some degree: To put our lives at a hold to perform ordinary acts of bravery and I see the selflessness in it as well.

"Make sure you don't forget to tell me if you can come back before January." I tell him and he nods. Eric shares a short look with Peter but the moment is over after just a few seconds and they nod at each other in goodbye. I push myself up from my bench and hug Peter.

"Take care out there. And don't let that commander of yours get under your skin. Sometime in the future you are his boss." I tell him and when I look up into his face he smirks and nods.

* * *

My third week in the control unit is filled with getting to know a lot of people. I shake so many hands in greeting that I think I have the unfamiliar and slightly uncomfortable gesture down to perfection by Wednesday. I don't remember most of the names of the people I meet and I am slightly perplexed every time someone greets me with a smile when I sit in the cafeteria, their faces familiar but everything else a blur. I smile in return and greet back, but as soon as they passes I look at Eric questioningly to ask him what the name was again. I am fascinated that he knows most of them, too even though he doesn't work with them on a daily basis. He tells me that I don't have to worry too much and will soon have it all down to perfection. Dauntless isn't a big Faction after all.

My new instructor Ben is a normal sized guy, typical Dauntless with two piercings in his eyebrow and tattoos on his arms. He is a laid back man, easy going and you wouldn't think he cares much for the things around him. But that changes quickly when you see him interact with the different members of the unit. He shows a compassion for their individual situations I haven't expected and I find myself admiring that quality about him. He makes sure, he tells me, that he speaks with all of the people working in the unit at least once in a half year because the job can be really stressful and he wants to make sure that everyone is up to standard. Up to standard in the control unit means that their mind is sharp, not deterred by too many personal fears and worries and you can concentrate through a shift enough.

My neck is a bit stiff from all the times I have to nod in greeting when I meet someone in the corridors that are my second home now. Ben lets me run errand after errand and though I like that I don't have to sit around the whole day anymore, I sigh in annoyance when I hear him utter the words 'Could you go' because it always involves many flight of stairs and sometimes even unnecessary ways. But maybe I should be thankful because it helps me to map out this part of Dauntless without a flaw.

I sit in on many meetings with him the rest of the time, my hands flying over paper to take notes on the different aspects that this part of Dauntless has to deal with because I am still not comfortable with typing away on my touchpad. When I am finished with one I meet up with Ben for a few short minutes to compare our notes and have to write a report afterwards. I get the feeling I do nothing else then write, memorize and run and sometimes fear my brain will overheat.

At least the things I learn are interesting even though they are theoretical for the most part. I learn how Dauntless organises their papers, get accustomed to different software's we use to calculate, communicate and program with, learn how they write reports to Erudite because they have to be send in a special way and the wording has to be different, learn how you hold yourself when you speak to subordinates and people higher in the food chain alike and I think all of this will come in handy when my real work with Max starts.

It's still fascinating to get to know Dauntless as a Faction from this point of view but it also leaves me exhausted and I am glad when I can lay down next to Eric and recharge my batteries. He is as supportive as ever in his not overbearing and sometimes aloof way. He makes sure I eat enough and don't overwork myself. He pulls me out from behind my desk in my bedroom after I revise my notes, typing them up in my touchpad and holds me against himself, kissing me dazed to let me forget the day. He even changes the pullover I 'stole' from him every four days. He thinks I don't notice it and I won't tell him I do. I don't think he wants me to know. And now every time I smell the fresh scent of him and his aftershave, my cheeks flushing in affection for his small gesture of care and of awareness for my comfort. He doesn't know it but his presence, his small gestures and his touches heal me slowly, the pain Tobias inflicted still there but not as sharp as it was that Friday night.

I saw Tobias for a short moment when I said goodbye to Uriah in the corridors who seems to be stressed out as well. I made sure to be gone as fast as possible when he tried to approach me and haven't seen him since. I tell myself that I am not running away from him and I know it is true. Of course it would be uncomfortable to interact with him in any way but honestly I don't know what there is to talk about at the moment. I don't know if I will ever be able to talk to him normally and about private issues again. Mostly I don't try to think about him too much and not seeing him helps. But I also have to acknowledge that he was an unconscious part of me so long that his absence leaves me with a new awareness of myself.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	41. Chapter 40

_A/N: Hello everyone. I am a bit sad that only three people decided that the last chapter was worth a review. As a writer I ask myself why that is. I know this story is really drawn out and the updates are few and not as frequently as they once were... but maybe there are other reasons as well. Tell me what the problem is and I shall try to fix it?_

_On another note: Check out my profile for more stories revolving around Divergent, it's characters (mainly Eris, f'course). _

_AND: Have you noticed my lovely friend Torry-Riddle, who is also my beta for DF, is back writing and posting? Check out her profile as well, if you feel up to it. _

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

Ben lets me get off of my shift earlier today because Max told him that I have a meeting with him. I still don't want to see him but think that coming up with reasons to delay it is silly and not very matured. So I smile when I say goodbye to Ben and make my way to the elevator fifteen minutes before I have to be in front of the first Leader's office.

When I arrive in the corridor I lean against the wall next to Max' door and pull out my touchpad to go through my last reports. I want to be as prepared as possible for the questions that are about to come to make the conversation as short as possible.

I hear boots hitting the hardwood floor and look up to discover Eric. I admire the way he moves self-assured and with a certain awareness in his whole posture, always ready to jump into action. I push myself up from my position against the wall to meet him halfway for a kiss, humming softly at the contact. I think I will never get enough of him.

"Meeting with Max in a few minutes?" He asks and I nod, biting my lip slightly.

"Hopefully it will be over soon." I mumble feeling silly for my behavior.

"He is a good man and a good Leader." Eric says casually though I believe there is more behind his simple put opinion. I look at him for a moment to make sure I haven't imagined things but I can't read anything in his calm expression and light grey eyes except honesty.

"You like him." I say and continue to watch him for any sign that would give me a clue to a deeper meaning behind his former statement. Eric shrugs nonchalantly and recognizes the question behind my statement easily.

His perception of things and people always amaze me. I know he isn't cold per say, but consciously decides what gets to him and what he wants to ignore. At the beginning I thought his distant and hard way is maybe a shield against something – maybe other people or the remarks whispered behind his back that call him cruel and an asshole for his actions. But with time came understanding and I know now that his behavior isn't something he forces himself to, doesn't use as a shield for the main part. It's just the way he is. And I also discovered that he isn't cold at all, that his eyes aren't cold. He is observant and choses deliberately when to act and when to stand back. I think all of this comes down to him being a former Erudite. I think he is highly intelligent and I think he would have excelled in his Faction of birth intellectually. But Eric was never Erudite like he was Dauntless. At least that is my perception.

"I have to thank him for many things. Making my way to the position I am now in easier because he taught me well for example." He raises an eyebrow and I know he speaks about my own way as well. That I could be a Leader someday in the future if I just let Max help me in his own way.

Hearing Eric speak about someone like this makes me realise that maybe both of them share more than just the title of Dauntless Leader. I value Eric's view because he is observant and perceptive and without him I would still be clueless about many things. Especially when it comes to my own emotions and motives. Eric wouldn't say something like this without a reason. And it makes me think.

I know I wasn't on my best behavior when I first spoke to Max about my future in Dauntless. I was angry, feeling helpless and therefore defensive. Maybe my first impression after our talk about his decision to make me his assistant wasn't fair but biased because of the things that Max put on my shoulders. And there has to be something about him that makes Eric respect him. I sigh and promise myself to be open minded for this next meeting. Maybe I can discover myself that Max is a person worth knowing and listening to.

"Are you finished for today?" I ask Eric when I made up my mind and put my arms around his waist, head laying down on his chest to hear his heartbeat. It calms me down and I relax.

"Not really but I can't concentrate and thought about getting a cup of coffee." He replies, his hand running through my hair. We stay silent for a moment and I pull back from him, standing on my tiptoes to press a kiss to his collarbone.

"You like to do that." He comments and I smile up at him.

"I like that you are taller than me and I like your collarbones. They deserve my attention." I reply casually and he smirks. Something inside of me flutters in anticipation at his expression and the smoldering grey of his eyes.

"Oh, do they?" He answers, his voice deeper and takes a step forward. My back hits the wall behind me and I feel hot all of the sudden, my breath hitching in my throat when Eric puts his hands on either side of my head, leaning forward.

We haven't had an encounter like the one after his statement two weeks ago and I feel myself longing for the emotions that rose within me even though I was too nervous to continue back then. I still think I am not ready for it, something holding me back. But at this place in time I don't think too much. I let his eyes burn me, biting my lip in anticipation, his breath fanning my face. In the next moment his lips are on mine and my hands fisted in his shirt pulling his body into me. I marvel at the way our bodies align perfectly even though we are so different. I love the feeling of his hard body pressed against mine, the way he dominates our kiss, the sounds his movement against me elects and his sounds in response. The rumbling in his chest and the hum in my throat.

A door opens next to us but Eric doesn't pull away. He slows down our kiss, the intensity of his sensual lips on mine going right into my core, letting me moan breathlessly but nearly soundless. A throat is cleared next and I am slightly aware that we stand in the corridor of the Leader's offices. I force my hands to let go of the fabric of his shirt and he pulls back lightly, holding my face in his hands, his thumbs caressing my skin. Finally he leans up fully again, his eyes fixed on mine that needed a moment to open. He smirks at me.

"I wait for you here. I don't think I can concentrate anymore." His voice is raspy and still unusual deep. I blush at his words but smile happily and nod.

"Now that the two of you are finished, can we Tris?" Max' voice pulls me back into reality and I nod, feeling uncomfortable that he saw us like that. I look into his face to see if there is any sign of anger. Instead of finding that Max is slightly amused and other then that doesn't seem to care too much. I make my way into his office, throwing a last look at Eric before Max closes the door. He gestures to the chairs in front of his desk and I take a seat. I remind myself that I want be open minded and let the feelings that slowly build inside of me when I remember the last time I was here slip away.

"How are you doing, Tris?" Max begins casually and I shrug.

"Good so far. Work is exhausting but not too much. It's something I am used to now, I think." My voice is calm and my mind still a bit dazed from Eric's kiss, but otherwise painfully focussed, trying to push my nervousness away like I did with the other things I feel.

"Make sure to eat properly and sleep enough. And don't go easy on your training. It may exhaust you even more but in the long run you will feel better. Exercise your body and mind." He says and I am slightly taken back at his concerned expression. I nod and smile slightly.

"Both of your instructors give me updates on your performance as you might know. They praise your work attitude and your fast grasp of the tasks they give you. And though they think you should build up some self-esteem because you are sometimes too silent I think that this is something that comes with time and age. Also they mentioned you space out for a few seconds randomly. Is there a specific reason for it?" I frown slightly at Kent's and Ben's perception of me. I don't think I am shy. I just chose to stay silent when there is nothing to talk about. I don't like random chit-chat. Maybe because I am not very tall and a woman they think my behavior is a show of low self-esteem? I will think about it later.

As for the other matter... they are right to some degree. I know I sometimes lose myself in too many thoughts, but I just like to look at things from different perspectives and the fight with Tobias doesn't help my concentration too much as well in the last week.

"Not a real reason, I think. I will make sure to stay focused." I reply and Max nods.

"I take your word for it. I understand that contemplating different aspects is important but we are Dauntless and not Erudite and prefer acting over overthinking. I know it's difficult in your age with all these things going on around you, but make sure to stay true to your word." His reprimand stings slightly but I understand it and take his constructive criticism as just that.

"That said and considering that everything else they tell me about your performance I am very proud of the way you accepted your new job and the way you handle it." Max says and though I am still a bit unsure what to think about him I feel proud myself.

"Thank you." I answer and he nods.

"Give praise when it is earned. Let's talk about your visit to Erudite and after that about your three week trip to the Fence." His voice changes a bit, is more business-like and I listen intently, taking out a strip of paper and a pen from my pocket to write anything down that seems of importance.

"As you know you will go to Erudite on Sunday to finalize their delivery of new technology. You will meet Stephen, Will and myself at 8 am sharp at the tracks." I perk up when I hear that Will is coming along as well and feel a bit more comfortable about my first appearance as Max' assistant.

"I will send you the contracts to proofread tomorrow morning. Candor checked them already for any flaws in the paragraphs and I want you to check for the grammar, format and spelling. Its tedious work but it has to be done and your marks in school tell me you will have no problem with that. Make sure to send them back until 1 pm." I nod, writing down the time and wait for Max to continue.

"When we are at Erudite you don't have to do much, just listen and take notes so we can compare everything with Stephen and Will when we are back here. I know it will be boring because Erudite tends to speak too much because they like to hear their own voices, but I want you to get accustomed to the way we interact with them. You already read about the way we contact them about problems with the technology and it will come in handy in the situation." Max pauses again and I take the time to speak up.

"Is there a certain dress code? And what do you want me to bring along?" I ask and Max thinks for a moment.

"Dress professional. Don't hide yourself, but don't look skimpy dressed as well. The good middle. If you need help with it I can arrange for you to speak with Sam tomorrow afternoon." I know now that Sam is a short form for Samantha and that she is one of the Leaders. I contemplate for a moment if I want to make such a fuss but it is my first public appearance and getting it right from the beginning will make getting ready for future assignments like these easier.

"If it isn't a problem for her I would like her to come by my apartment after I send you the contracts back." I answer and Max writes a short note for himself.

"As for the things you need to bring along. I don't think you will need anything else then your touchpad, a pen and some papers. We will use our visit to explain some difficulties we have with one of the serums the Guards in the Factionless sector inject and I want to make sure that we have the presentation on your device as a backup. You can't trust technology too much. I will send it to you with the contracts." He again writes something down for himself before speaking up again.

"That said don't freak out about it. You will get used to this sort of meetings soon enough and there will be much time to practice it when the year draws to a close with all the get together and things like that coming along with it." I don't look forward to it because it may include having to see my father again but I will do my best anyway I decide. He doesn't control my life anymore, hasn't since I took my first steps into Dauntless. I don't think he will try anything, his public image far more important than his daughter ever could be. And I am slightly curious to see my Faction interact with the others.

"As for your trip to the Fence: You will stay there for the three weeks and don't come back to the compound for the weekends because it is a busy time for the Guards with the Amity delivering the food from the greenhouse. I will make sure to contact you once in a week and Lizz will send me written reports about your progress. Make sure to pack enough clothes for at least a week because you won't be able to wash them every other day. And pack things that are weatherproof. Not too thick or too thin. You will be outside a lot of the time and I don't want you to miss your education because you come down with a cold. Lizz will contact you in the course of the next week to finalize your meeting time and point and with any other information you will need before going there. Do you have any questions?" I am slightly taken aback by the onslaught of information but think I scribbled down anything that could be vital so I shake my head at his question. He nods approvingly and I stand up feeling that the meeting is over.

"One last thing before you go, Tris." I don't like the sound of this but nod to let him know I am listening.

"I respect your privacy and Eric's for that matter but I wanted to say that I am glad he has you now and you him. Don't let it interfere with your work though and don't let me wait again making out with him in front of my office." I blush a deep red and hurry up to nod. His facial expression is a strange mixture of humor and seriousness. He nods at me and I am finally dismissed. Well, that went well.

* * *

Proofreading the contracts took up more time than I thought and I was slightly disappointed that I couldn't enjoy my weekend as much as I wanted to. Eric understood of course that my priority was to finish my work as perfect as possible. While he read a book, sitting against the headboard of my bed randomly bringing me a new tea pot full of herbal tea, he also helped me with some phrases I wasn't too sure if they were just the normal wording for laws or badly written. Samantha showed up around three in the afternoon when the contracts where long send to Max and helped me search something passable from the few pieces of clothes I have that aren't for training. She was slightly amused at my practical taste but didn't comment on it. She put together a functioning outfit of black pants, a black long sleeve shirt and a fitted jacket. She advised me to braid my long hair and to buy a scarf soon. So I did get one after she was gone and I am eternally grateful for her advice.

I stand outside of the compound and though Eric has wrapped himself tightly around me it's freezing and my teeth rattle. The wind that blows around us smells of winter, the puddles on the ground already having a layer of ice on them. I would prefer to go back under my covers back in my apartment but I also feel excited to some degree to see the headquarters of Erudite and nervous about how they will treat us. Of course they know we protect them and all other Factions with the Guards watching over the Fence and patrolling the Factionless sector but our work isn't as visible or noticeable as theirs is. We use their devices and the other things they invented or discovered again daily but they almost never go to the Factionless sector to see our work for our society. I hope my musings won't be true because I know it will get a bit uncomfortable for me when I see belittlement in their eyes or superiority. I don't know if I could take it the right way because I am fiercely proud of my Faction and want to protect my home even from disregard.

"The others are coming." Eric speaks up and I raise my head from the comfortable position against his chest. I don't want to let go of his waist because I want to stay within his embrace, my arms secured under his jacket, his heat seeping into me but I have to and take his hand instead. My eyes tear up a bit when the cold wind hits my face fully now and I am glad Chris suggested some waterproof eyeliner. I don't want to arrive in Erudite with black smudges under my eyes. It wouldn't be professional.

We nod in greeting and I embrace Will with one arm smiling up at his excited face. I guess it's strange for him and maybe even difficult to see his Faction of birth again. From our childhood on we are taught that 'Faction before blood' isn't just a catchy phrase in the constitution of the Factions but an ideal to live by. For someone like me who experienced firsthand that blood doesn't mean anything when it comes to family it is easy to live up to the expectations, to cut the ties fully and embrace my new Faction. But as far as I know Will had a happy life in Erudite, left behind his parents and an older sister. From Christina I know that she came for Visiting Day, his parents didn't. I think I can't comprehend what goes through his head right now. I guess it's a mixture of longing for an old life that he knows will never be his again, excitement to be a part of something he loves with all the talking about serums and technology coming and nervousness that maybe he has to see his parents and can't interact with them like a child should.

"The trains approaching." Will says and I look up from the puddles my eyes stayed on in my contemplation. I automatically stand up on my tiptoes and kiss Eric on his collarbone. How he can stand here, keeping me warm even though he hasn't put on a pullover or a scarf is beyond me. I smile slightly – maybe he is really my personal heating system.

"Have fun." He whispers into my hair and I smile up at him before I let go of his big hand. He nods to the three men around us and makes his way back to the compound.

We jump on the train one after the other and Will closes the door to our car as he is the last to enter. Because the trains haven't any light it is a bit difficult to see, the sun not fully up in the sky yet. But we don't need to interact as we wait for the train to approach Erudite because I already know Stephen from one of the meetings I had to sit in in my third week in the control unit. I take out my touchpad and look through the timetable Max forwarded to me to prepare for the crucial times and to know what to expect.

* * *

"Get ready to jump." Max announces twenty minutes later and I push my touchpad back into my pocket. We jump down and run off the momentum. The sun is higher in the sky now but doesn't provide us with warmth, too late in October already. I see heavy clouds on the horizon and the air feels electrified making my hair at the back of my neck stand up a bit. I guess it will start raining soon and probably build into a thunderstorm later in the day. I put my hands into the pockets of my jacket and pull up my shoulders against the cold wind.

We make our way over the even street that was repaired along with other parts of the center of the city, our boots clicking against the concrete. The sounds has something foreboding in it and I try to prepare myself as best as I can. I want to appear professional and sure of myself. I don't think too much about the things people think about me but I know this first meeting is more important than all the other get-togethers I am sure I have to go to later on. I want to make a good first impression on the Faction of Knowledge because I think it will not only influence the way they treat me but Dauntless as an equal partner because Max as our first Leader choose me to be his assistant. So I school my features into a serious but otherwise neutral expression, let my hands fall against my side and take self-assured steps. The image of Eric helps me greatly with it though I know I will never be able to give of the same vibes he does when he just walks somewhere not to talk fulfills his function as a Leader.

We enter through shiny, automatic glass doors, the air changing instantly around us when we set foot into Erudite headquarters that is a massive building out of steel and glass. I shiver slightly because of the change in atmosphere but try not to show it openly. Three people are already waiting for us in the lobby that is sterile and uncomfortably impersonal. It's quite breathtaking with its high ceiling, the many corridors that lead Dauntless knows where and in comparison to our headquarters it is uncomfortable bright, lights coming from every direction possible.

I let my eyes stray a bit more, trying to get a feeling for the things that lay ahead. I see three big pictures above a dark wood counter. A few Erudite are watching us from offices around the lobby and I guess I should expect behavior like this in the Faction that encourages curiosity above all else. I train my eyes on Max' back and concentrate on the situation at hand. Because he is the highest in command he is the one to make the introductions, walking in front of me. Behind me are Stephen and then Will. Its interesting how, although we were never taught to, fall into our respectable positions. We stop a few feet in front of the three blue-clad people that have to be the Leaders. I take a close look at the faces of the Erudite. They are the ones on the pictures hanging to the right of us and confirm my thoughts. I see Max wants to speak up before he can the blond woman in the middle welcomes him with first.

"Punctual as ever, Max. Quite fascinating when one considers the normal behavior your Faction displays, especially your dependents that are almost always late to class." She wears a smart blue dress under a blazer, with shoes that have a low heel, letting her stand even straighter then she probably already is without them. Her hands are clasped in front of her, holding a touchpad. Her voice is distant, her facial expression doesn't give me a clue if it is meant as an insult or compliment and I try to stay open minded. Max chuckles lowly and I am slightly confused.

"Let's play nice, Jeanine. I don't command on your full schedule that forces us to meet on a weekend because you can't get your behind out of your lab and you don't on mine, ok?" She answers him with a cool smile and I wonder if this is her normal smile or if she is insulted by Max' reply. I slowly start to believe that the exchanged words are a twisted form of banter. But before I can think over it, Max slightly turns to me and I take a small step forward, moving from slightly behind his shoulder forward. I school my features into a professional mask and wait for Max to speak again.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I want to introduce my new assistant Tris to you." The men at either side of Jeanine look surprised and I feel all of them look me up and down. Nervousness lets my stomach turn a bit but I don't let it show. I have to appear strong. I am strong. But I wonder though, what they see when they look at me.

"She is a bit young for such a position, don't you think?" One of the men speaks up and I scowl mentally. Max chuckles lowly, but his expression is serious when he answers.

"Fresh out of initiation with huge potential and I am sure a Leader sometime in the future." I am slightly taken aback by his calm voice that doesn't succeed in hiding the fierceness with which he seems to believe in me. It surprises me that he thinks so highly of me even though I am only three weeks into the training and haven't worked directly with him yet. The Erudite that spoke up first nods and stays quiet, his eyes never leaving me though. He probably wants to find what Max sees in me and I hope he does although I am not even sure what my boss thinks there is, that makes me important or special for that matter. The other man starts to talk, a cool smile on his pale lips.

"So you finally decided that it is time for someone to organise your paperwork. I am glad you took my advice." He is a tall man with broad shoulders and grey eyes. Eyes that remind me of Eric. I am slightly taken aback and start to compare them in my mind for a few seconds. His eyes aren't as fascinating as Eric's. They seem to be a bit dull and his nose is broader than Eric's. But everything else leaves no doubt that the two of them are related. And closely, too. He steps forward then and extends his hand in my direction.

"Einar Coulter." He says meeting my eyes with a calculating gaze. I shake his hand in greeting and make sure to not press too soft or too hard, too long or too short. He has a strong grip himself and the resemblance is even uncanny now that he stands so close in front of me. I look to Max for a moment and he nods probably seeing me make the connection. So this is who? Eric's father?

"A pleasure to meet you, Sir." I tell him levelly, my voice calm and collected and he nods. The next one stepping up to greet me is Jeanine. She tells me to call her by her given name but I think I will try to never use it directly. Something about her puts me off. The last one I learn is Richard Bartholem. He is older than the other two and maybe because of this the first thing he noticed about me is my age. Max also introduces Will to the three Leaders of Erudite and it gives me time to collect myself and find my balance again. Until now everything went smoothly and I am even sure my first impression was not a bad one. Only time will tell.

I find myself walking next to Max and Jeanine when we make our way up to their conference room. They speak about random things, discussing some decisions Abnegation lately made and both agree that they don't like it very much. I decide to make sure to keep a closer eye on the things that go on outside my own Faction because I think it will help me with my position. I am a bit disappointed that I haven't thought about it earlier because it just seems to be a logical thing to do for someone in my position to prepare him- or herself. I should be aware of the things Max and Jeanine talk about and have to know the latest laws published or revised by Candor and decide that I will make an effort to read about it soon. Maybe I have time to do so when I am at the Fence. I am brought out of my mind when I realise Jeanine is watching me.

"What is your Faction of origin?" She asks me suddenly and I am slightly taken aback by her bluntness that I haven't expected from an Erudite. I concentrate on the present again and answer her evenly.

"I was born in Abnegation." She looks surprised for a second at my wording but I intended it that way. My serious and hard eyes meet hers without a second thought. My voice sounds calm and honest but I also want to show her that I don't have any ties to my old Faction. There is a small gleam in her eyes and I think it's a grain of growing respect.

"I see. I have a meeting with the council in the afternoon. Was one of your parents a member?" She asks and I grit my teeth. I nod my head and hope that she doesn't ask who my parents are. Before she can Max speaks up and I throw him a thankful, short smile. He nods once in response.

"Let's start with the contracts and get over with it." He says and we sit down. I take out my notebook, pen at the ready and listen intently through the negotiations of the many paragraphs I read yesterday. Because I did it is easier to follow their line of speech and thought and I am grateful that Eric took the time to explain some things to me. We are interrupted shortly when an Erudite serves refreshments. I watch the bubbly drink in front of me and take a small sip, schooling my features to not wrinkle my nose at the taste. Its bitter and I don't take up my glass again through the meeting even though the air in the room is dry and my throat a bit as well because of it.

When the Leaders sign the contracts I sigh soundlessly in relief and meet Will's eyes for a moment. I guess he is used to long winded speeches and discussions because he grew up with it. He is focused and has a serious expression on his face. I file away our copy of the contract in Max' folder and put it down in front of his place again.

"Now that that is finished I would like to talk about the difficulties with the serum I mentioned in our written exchange." The three Erudite Leader nod and surprisingly Will steps up. His posture is relaxed and emanates self-assurance. He is connecting his touchpad with the beamer as if he has done it a thousand times before. Maybe he has.

"Stephen, our head of simulations, and I reviewed the last six months of reports from our Guards at the Factionless sector and made a startling discovery when we reached the evaluation of three months ago." Will starts to explain, his voice calm and sure. I think I wouldn't be able to speak in front of the Leaders of another Faction. Not without practicing it a few times and even then I think I would need to work hard on my voice to let it appear the way Will's is.

"The levels of the serum in the water we provide some kitchens and apartments with started to decrease slowly. We tried to withdraw the information from the system to find the reason for it but couldn't access it as we already wrote you." Einar nods and I am confused why they inject a serum into the water the Factionless drink. I feel repulsed of the idea that Erudite sees them as an experiment but try to judge not too quickly. Maybe the serum includes needed medical herbs to not let illnesses spread through the population of the sector.

"Since the levels of the serum started to decrease our troops report that the criminal rate has decreased as well and it makes us as Dauntless wonder what you put into their water. It's your business as it is stated in the contracts with us and it lays in your executive to decide what measures you have to take to provide our society with something that will help us, to better it. But it also means you have to respond to these issues, make sure that no one is harmed and test your serums more if they have these side effects. We want to remind you of your responsibility to test your serum thoroughly again if there is really a correlation between the serum and the decrease in the criminal rate. We want our men and women working there to be safe and to secure it we need you to make sure that your tests don't interfere with it. The numbers you see will make you aware where we come from." He points behind himself and I am happy that I can grasp the subject on some level because I already worked with some of the figures in school and while writing my reports for Ben.

"The data we received from Abnegation and our Guards told us that they have to take care of more ill Factionless, too. They report an increasing rate of people coming down with tetanus infections and sepsis and feel like it isn't safe anymore for them to approach them without extra precaution. The number of pregnant women increased as well and makes an immediate course of action necessary." I feel myself go rigid.

Do they put something in the serum to make the women barren? That would be outrageous. Of course I know that living in the Factionless sector makes bringing up children difficult, it is life-threatening really because they aren't provided with enough medical care to make sure they survive dangerous stages of their pregnancy but to go as far as controlling them in that matter makes me sick. They are humans! I try to unclench my fists and try to control my emotions. I try with all of my might to not feel disgusted with the way my own Faction and Erudite speak about and treat the Factionless but it is difficult and Max' elbow to my ribs makes me aware that I have growled lowly. I take a calming breath and see Stephen nod to Will with a praising smile. Will sits down and Jeanine is the first to speak up.

"Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We will look into it and arrange a meeting with you as soon as we have some answers." The response feels hollow and my chest hurts from suppressed anger. How could they do something like this? The people in the Factionless sector may not be innocent mostly, a verdict for a crime putting them there, but a large part consists of innocent people who made one wrong decision when they were sixteen. Max nods calmly and I bite my cheek to stop my rage from showing on my face.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._

_Again: Check out my profile for other stories and let me know what you like/dislike about my writing style. I want to improve as much as everyone else._


	42. Chapter 41

_A/N: Thanks for the many messages and reviews I got so far. I am not completely sure how to finish this story, and seriously, their are still 14 chapters completely written at the moment - but I want to finish it completely and don't want to let you wait so long. _

_Anyone with ideas or the wish to help me is of course welcome._

_Disclaimer. I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

My last week in the control unit goes by in a blur of meetings, reports and running errands for Ben. I am happy that he doesn't add new things to learn to my list because I am occupied most of my free time with buying the things I will need and thinking about the things I discovered in Erudite.

When we got back Max, Will, Stephen and I met in Max' office to compare our notes and write a report for the other Leaders to read through. I don't ask what all of this was about because I am not sure I can control myself and I don't want to hear facts and numbers because the way we as Dauntless and Erudite treat the Factionless is a question of ethics not mathematic. The anger boils deep within me and I wish I could talk about it openly but I am uncertain to whom. Will tries to approach me after we are dismissed by Max and Stephen but I don't listen to him, too shocked and irreconcilable in my disgust. I know Eric would listen, give me some insight and maybe lift the weight and passive guilt I feel but I don't want to spoil the short time we have with discussing too serious matters

I don't want to think about not seeing him for the next three weeks. I am so used to his presence by now, to his touches and the small rituals we established when our relationship hits the one month mark. He kisses me when I am exhausted, rubs my back soothingly after a long day and lets me see a side no one else sees when I massage his tense shoulders or his throbbing temples. I am absolutely sure I will miss him deeply but am also aware that I am uncomfortable with depending on him so much, mentally and physically. I feel guilty and selfish for wishing I would be independent from Eric because I deny my own feelings with it and the many good things he has already done for me but I am not able to let go of my fierce wish to be free from anyone and not letting them come too close. So I resolve to see the three weeks as a chance to grow up a bit more and into the person I want to be to shut up my screeching mind.

* * *

Because I am almost always on my way to something, my mind occupied with the list Lizz sent me with what I will need while staying at the fence, I don't look up when I run into someone, only mumbling an apology. I only recognize the person when I feel a gentle hand grasping my elbow holding me back from continuing my way. I follow the hand upwards along the arm and my eyes meet dark blue. My back goes rigid and I feel the pain I nearly overcame come back.

"Tris, please. Can we talk?" Tobias says and I flinch mentally at the sound of his voice. He sounds broken and tired. But I was as well for over a week and push down the feeling of compassion. I think it's just a reflex of my old feelings for him than an emotion I honestly feel in that moment.

"I don't think there is anything we have to talk about and I am tired of you deciding when we can meet or speak." My voice sounds defensive and slightly angry and Tobias' eyes widen in pain.

"I know. I really do. But there is a reason for everything and I just want to explain it to you. Please." I try to stay hard and don't need the pain in my chest to remind me what he did to me. But he is my brother.

"If you never want to speak to me again afterwards I will accept it but at least let me explain some things." I have never seen him beg before and the range of emotions I see in his eyes makes me breathless for a few seconds. I really succeeded in letting him feel the same pain I did. But the victory tastes foul in my mouth and does nothing to lessen my own pain. I knew this beforehand and scowl at myself mentally for wishing it upon him even though everyone else would probably argue that he deserves it. I sigh and the small hope in his eyes lets me flinch again.

"I don't think now is a good time. I leave for three weeks on Sunday evening and have a lot of things to do beforehand. So let's make a deal." He nods eagerly and a tight and small smile appears on my face.

"When I am back I want you to meet me in my apartment at the same evening. No excuses, no standing me up. I will listen to you and I hope your explanation is good because otherwise I don't see a chance at forgiving you." I know I blackmail him more or less into it but I feel like it is the right thing to say. It's honest and to the point. These are my conditions and I realize a small part of me wants him to accept them a hundred percent. Maybe not all of my love for him got lost in the pain just like a small part of me protected the trust in my friends and Eric.

"I promise you I won't let anything come between us again." He says and I try to believe in him because there is fierceness in his voice that was absent so long but I can't. At least not yet, the small part that still loves him whispers and I grudgingly agree.

"You promised something similar before and I waited for you pointlessly for hours. So just say you will be there." I answer calmly, not really comfortable with my own words but meaning them. I am torn between feeling angry and not letting him have this chance and forgiving him right away. But I don't choose one of these emotions over the other. I try to stay in the middle because balance is important.

"Ok. I will be there." I nod at him and he lets go of my arm. I try to believe in him and that everything will be alright eventually but give up later. He has to prove himself to get back a semblance of my old trust in him. Whatever he wants to reveal to me won't change the fact that nothing will be the same between us again, though.

* * *

I make sure to spend Friday night again with my friends. We celebrate a bit in the Pit because one month ago we became full-fledged Dauntless members and slowly start to get comfortable in our new positions. Eric is with his friends though I would have liked for him to be around me all of the time until Sunday when I take the train at 5 pm to arrive at the Fence half an hour later. But I take it as a test. I challenge myself to not think of him as long as I can, occupying my mind with the things my friends tell me and each other.

I am grateful that I am a few steps away from Will. I have no reason to avoid him here in the middle of the Pit surrounded by friends. We both signed papers that bind us to keep silent about the information we received at our meeting in Erudite. But I don't want to talk to him in general feeling a bit uncomfortable around him and confused as well. Even after nearly a week I am too shaken to wrap my mind around it. And Will's delivery of the facts to the three Leaders of Erudite puts me out even more. He was so clinical about it, professional a too positive word to describe it. Or maybe I am unfair and biased because I myself can't distance myself enough to view it as he probably does. I think I will address the matter when I am back from the Fence and stop concentrating on him and the Factionless for the time being.

Instead I make sure to show Lynn that I don't think my fight with Four has changed anything between us, joking with her about our friends, riling them up in a humorous way and laughing when we get a rise out of them. Apart from that we don't talk much, though. She answers me when I ask her about her work in the control unit but her words lack the normal tone she speaks with and I am slightly worried that things between us are even more uncomfortable for her then I first thought. We lean together against a wall and when everyone else is talking to someone I want to talk to her but a vibration at my ribcage stops me.

I frown slightly when I pull out my touchpad and see that I have a new message. It's from Peter telling me he won't be able to make it back and that he will see me when my training leads me to the Factionless sector. I don't know why but the tone of the mail makes me suspicious. It misses the Stiff and his other random remarks about my supposed inability to do one thing or another right. He doesn't ask me how I am holding up and doesn't say anything about his condition. And there isn't a joke about finally losing my virginity as well. It just doesn't sound like him and I am worried a bit. I push my touchpad back into my pocket and try to think of reasons for his behavior but before I can lose myself in thoughts, Lynn lightly bumps her hand against my arm. She looks at me with an expression I have never seen her wear before: uncertainty.

"What is it, Tris?" She asks her voice low and I shrug.

"It's just Peter. He won't be able to get back from the sector unfortunately." I answer, sighing softly and push him out of my mind for the time being. I have an opening now for the things I want to say and I know Lynn prefers the direct approach over anything else, so I just start to speak before she can avoid me again. I would have liked to talk to her alone, though but time runs short and I want to clear things up between us before I leave.

"Lynn, please don't think that my distance with Tobias changes anything between you and me." I say calmly, making sure to speak in a quiet voice to not draw attention to our conversation.

"I know it doesn't. But I also feel like I am at least a small part of the reason why you are upset with him. I am mostly with him when he is around. Maybe he feels like it's the right thing to do, staying with me instead of seeing you. Maybe he thinks he has to prove to me that he is honest about his intentions or something though it would be ridiculous if he really thinks he needs to do so." I snort and she raises an eyebrow at my reaction.

"He is his own person. If he really wants to see and talk to me he can do so. Nothing ever stopped him before. I don't think you would ever interfere with it because you aren't that sort of person and you have a sister yourself." My voice is strong and sure. I want her to realize that nothing of this is her fault. She looks down to her boots, eyebrows furrowed and deep in thought.

"I am thankful that you perceive me this way because it's the truth. I would never stand in your way. But..." I cut her off before she can come up with anything.

"No buts, Lynn. None of this is your fault and none of it will make me stop being your friend, ok?" I tell her in a certain tone and she nods, biting her lip slightly. She seems to be unsure but obviously wants to say something.

"Just talk to me. You don't need to hold back." I smile at her and she finally meets my eyes.

"I know it isn't the time or place to speak about it," she begins and I instantly know what she is going to talk about. I feel myself freeze internally and brace myself when she continues, "but I want you to know that I think that both of you are two of the strongest people I have ever known."

Lynn is the second person after Eric telling me this and I can easily believe her just like I believe him. She doesn't speak about being sorry as well and her words mean so much more to me because of it.

"Thank you." I reply and she shrugs.

"You don't need to thank me. It's just a fact." She answers, sipping from her brown bottle. I see her relax a bit more and hope that she will feel comfortable around me again and doesn't try to avoid me anymore.

"How did you find out about it?" I ask her calmly and Lynn stays silent for a while.

"He showed me his fear landscape once, shortly before our initiation started and you transferred here. After it I knew his name and knew what he feels for me. I knew about the things he had to go through and he told me about his brave sister soon later." I nod and don't ask her anymore questions because this one explanation is enough for me to understand the weight of both of their feelings for one another. I smile slightly. I am happy for them.

* * *

A few hours later it's just Uriah, Lynn and me left standing in the Pit, talking about the control room. We exchange impressions from the different teams and a few insider jokes about some colleagues all in good humor.

When Uriah finishes off his drink, he pulls a perplexed Lynn to him, slightly stumbling and obviously a bit tipsy, and hugs her in what seems to be a bone crushing hug. When it's my turn he lifts me up against him and I let him do so, wrapping my arms around his neck and squeezing back tightly.

"I will miss you sooo much, Trissy." He mumbles loudly against my ear and I shake my head lightly, chuckling at his inebriate state. Uriah holds me against him a bit longer until a person steps up next to us and we both look up to find Eric standing there. His arms are crossed in front of him, his eyes a bit cold and his whole posture emanates dominance. Uriah puts me down gently and I smile up at Eric, taking a step in his direction.

"Keep your hands to your own girlfriend, Pedrad." He simply states, a glint of humor in his eyes and slings an arm around my waist, his hand squeezing my waist gently. I suppress a smile at Eric's display of possessiveness and Uriah slightly scowls. Then his eyes meet mine and I think he wants to die tonight.

"I still wonder why you are with him when you could do so much better." At first I think he just wants to joke a bit, as it is his usual approach to situations like this, but his eyes are serious and his mouth slightly pulled into a sneer. It's my turn to scowl and my shoulders tense when I realize he didn't want to make a bad joke. I hear Eric growl slightly. I wrap my own arm around him in response to calm him down, putting my hand into the back pocket of his pants. I sense on some level that his patience is on the short side this evening and I think the stressful week is to thank for that. I may be slightly angry at Uriah's remark but I don't want him to get hurt if Eric loses it. Before I can say anything, Lynn steps up, lightly slapping the back of Uriah's head.

"Shut it, idiot." She says, putting a hand on her hip casually. Uriah stares at Lynn for a moment, rubbing a hand over his face and then the back of his head. He slowly seems to be a bit more aware of the situation after the slap to his head and bites his lip for a few seconds.

"I am sorry. That was uncalled for. I should head to bed, can't hold my tongue tonight." I nod and try to communicate with my eyes that everything is alright. He nods with a small smile and turns away making his way to Marlene's apartment probably wishing she wouldn't live with her parents anymore.

"Just for the protocol." Lynn speaks up, tone as matter-of-factly and blunt as I am used to again and Eric raises an eyebrow at her in question. She doesn't seem to be intimidated and just continues.

"I don't think it's strange you choose Eric over any other men you could have. After everything you've been through its normal that you look for strength. Don't let anyone tell you what to do and don't let Uriah's or anyone's opinion get to you. Everyone with two eyes can see that he makes you happy, they are just deceived by their own perception." My smile broadens and I nod in thanks. I think Lynn can relate to my feelings the most because she herself has probably faced equal reactions to her relationship with Four. We say goodbye then and Eric and I make our way up to my apartment staying in companionable silence.

* * *

I get ready for bed, brushing my teeth, Eric watching me from the doorway. It's something he usually does when we go to bed together and I am slightly confused why he appears so relaxed every time. Normally I find content in his eyes. But now, when my eyes meet his in the mirror he looks tired and thoughtful. I don't ask him what's on his mind, already aware that he will talk when he is ready. And true to that he speaks up a minute later.

"She is right, you know." I look at him a question visible in the way I crease my forehead, a bit confused what he is talking about. He leans against the doorframe with one shoulder, arms crossed in front of him.

"The Dauntless-born. Lynn I believe is her name." I rinse my mouth and start to apply some lotion on my elbows because the skin is dry from the cold weather and the constantly used heaters throughout the offices and my apartment. I contemplate which of her statements he is referring to and decide to loosen him up a bit.

"That I chose you because you are strong? Well, it's obviously one of the reasons, don't you think?" I ask a playful smile on my lips. I observe him when I brush my hair and put it into a messy bun at the back of my head. He smirks at my question for a moment and then looks thoughtful again.

"Yes, but I mean the other part. That you shouldn't let the opinion of others influence your feelings or decisions." He replies, following me into my bedroom, turning the lights off after him. I think for a moment and try to grasp what he really wants to say but is unable to.

"Is this about our relationship or a general thing you want to point out?" I ask, crawling under the covers, meeting him halfway on the mattress and putting my head down on his chest. He stays silent for a moment, taking his time and when he answers I recognize some unease in his voice.

"Both. But mostly the first part." His hand on my back lets me hum in content and I don't need to think long to understand that he actually tries to say something else or more. I know it's difficult for him to openly speak about feelings. Maybe because when he feels them they are too intense to put into words. I think I get what he wants to say though; used to these small conversations we sometimes share in the darkness of our bedrooms. I push myself up to look into his eyes that are slightly darker, maybe thoughts clouding them, maybe worry. It doesn't matter. I want him to understand my next words on more level than one and try to rely the message through my eyes as well.

"No one will ever stop me from being with you. I will stay by your side until you decide you don't want me with you anymore." I am slightly surprised how alright I feel with my confession, the impact of the meaning only recognizable after I uttered the words. His eyes widen slightly and he smiles his gentle, special smile.

"Good." Is all he says and I know he wants to say more but can't. But that's alright with me. I know what he can't put into words, a comfortable awareness about his emotions settling in me. I kiss his chest above his heart and lay down. I think it's one of the best nights in my life.

* * *

A duffel bag over Eric's shoulder and my hand secured in his, burying my nose and mouth into the fabric of my scarf we wait for the train to drive by for me to jump on. I still feel a happy tingling sensation throughout my body when I think about yesterday and smile happily whenever I think about it. We stayed in my flat, on my couch, talking, sleeping, and kissing. We only left once to go training for a while, even sparing for a bit. It was more Eric explaining to me the finer aspects of fighting, giving me hints and pointing out weak points then actually going at each other with blows and kicks but I enjoyed it anyway. Maybe the reason laid in his hands on me when he pushed me through the movements making me hot on whole other levels and hum in appreciation. The self-satisfied smirk on his face told me he knew exactly what he was doing and we enjoyed our alone time as much as possible.

I look to my touchpad to read the time. Only ten minutes left. I don't care for the cold at the moment, leaning against Eric. We don't exchange many words, exchanging small kisses wherever we can reach the other. They are sloppy and lazy and I don't want to let go when I hear the train approaching. But I square my shoulders and remind me of the resolve I came up with. This is a chance to discover just how deep I feel about him and how I can do on my own.

I feel his hand under my chin and lift my face to him, connecting his eyes with mine. He doesn't say anything still, just staring into my eyes, his expression unreadable. He opens his mouth to say something but I am suddenly nervous, stand up on my tiptoes and kiss him. Whatever he wants to say can wait until I am back. He slings his arms around me, pressing himself against me, aligning his hard, muscular body with my softer and smaller one. I sigh into our kiss, squinting my eyes because they burn a bit and I know it has nothing to do with the cold wind this time.

"Take care. I will see you in three weeks." He whispers against my cheek, voice a bit throaty and I nod, smiling shakily and taking the duffel bag from him.

"Please don't work too much, Eric. Brew some tea and relax. I will miss you." He scoffs a bit at my words, smirking at the command in them but nods anyway.

"I will miss you, too baby." He says his voice heavy with unspoken words and affection. Before I turn around I kiss him a last time, savoring this last touch burning it into my memory for the three weeks we will be apart.

It's a bit uncomfortable to jump on the train with the heavy bag but I manage alright and put it down in the car so I can lean outside of it to look at my boyfriend and the compound a last time. My hair violently flies around me and I push it back, raising my hand in a gesture of see you soon.

* * *

The train rattles on and I let the door open even though it's freezing. I watch as the city slowly changes from repaired buildings and streets, to dark-windowed ruins, to marshland and yellowed grass. It's fascinating how a thirty minute ride with the train can lead you through so many different environments. The clouds I can see from my sitting position against the opposite wall from the door are traveling fast in the sky. They are dark, grey and blues and occasionally a pale yellow when there are fewer to cover the sun. The air smells of ice and snow and I hope that my extra socks I packed will help me get through the days and especially nights without Eric somewhere pressed against me.

I try not to linger on thoughts of Eric, keeping true to my resolve. I will try to find a way on my own, maybe even a way to stay independent and with him at the same time. I cringe slightly at the thought because I know I have to overcome my fear for dependence instead of looking for ways to get both things. But I will try anyway because I think I can't live with one of these things or person missing.

I watch as the Fence appears in the distance, a massive building of high walls and barbed wire. Huge metal bars pierce the sky and when the train finally slows down, I stand up, shaking my legs and hands to get my blood flowing again. I take my bag with me to the open doors and wait in nervous expectation for it to stop.

The last time I was anywhere near the border of our city was with my initiation class and I still remember the feelings within me when I looked out over the seemingly never ending bleakness out there, behind concrete walls and defensive mechanisms. It was unsettling and calming at the same time, the still strong sun warmed our black-clad backs and the silence all around us. It was humbling, too. For someone growing up in a limited environment and not being aware of that fact seeing the land behind the Fence for the first time feels like taking a step into eternity. It did for me.

When the train comes to a screeching halt I jump out of it without a second thought, my boots slightly sinking into the soft ground, the air smelling of frost and withered nature. The grass is yellowed, my boots already covered in mutt. I shortly stop to look to the Fence, taking in the dark grey walls hovering over anyone, twenty meters away from me and respect the builders of our city because though boring in appearance the Fence is a masterpiece of continuous work and determination. A strong wall against dangers unknown to anyone but the Guards watching it.

I make my way over to a waiting group of Dauntless who stand together in a circle, talking among themselves. As I close in on them the conversation stops and they turn around to look at me. I square my shoulders and school my features into a serious expression. I want to appear as Dauntless as possible, thinking about Peter's words, that the Guards in the Factionless sector are not as sensitive as the Dauntless living in the headquarters. Their line of work lets them see many things that other Dauntless member will never know about, I think and maybe that's the reason why they are hardened and have to make crude jokes. To cope with the atmosphere and withering life they see all day. I think that it will also apply to the Guards at the Fence. Though they aren't confronted with malnourished humans, crying children, injured and dying people I guess the isolation out here can awake inner demons just as lightly. I brace myself against it, my own background maybe not the best starting point for the next three weeks.

From my tour with my group back in initiation I know that the initiates ranking lowest will have to come here without many possibilities to get higher up career-wise and I am slightly afraid that being the future assistant to the first Leader will give me a hard start. Jealousy is something I already experienced in initiation, I still remember the mean insults and uncomfortable glances and though I put on a hard front, I know that they got to me one way or another. I take a deep breath when I am still out of their earshot and start to prepare myself for whatever there is to come.

A female steps up to me first. She is a head taller than me, with grey streaked short hair that underlines her strong features naturally. Her eyes are a dark brown and to my surprise have laugh lines around them. She smiles at me and I smile in return.

"Welcome to the Fence, Tris. I am Lizz, your instructor and teammate while you stay with us. This is Ant, our third teammate." I nod to the man she points to. He is of the same height as Lizz, bulgy around the middle and with a full beard obscuring his features. His head is shaved. The rest of the people standing around are looking at me, probably weighing me, my short form and the still a bit child-like features. I let my eyes glint with awareness and seriousness, meeting some of the spectators head on.

"I will show you to our quarters." Lizz says and turns to the group as a whole, her voice changing slightly, is commanding now, "I will see you next week. If you need anything or something out of the ordinary happens, message me asap." The Dauntless nod and Lizz nods in goodbye. She starts to walk away from them, Ant falling into step beside her. I take a last look at the people around me, nod in their general direction and jog up to my two teammates for the next three weeks.

"We were just collecting the weekly reports from the Guards at the gate. Because I am head of the south division I have to write reports for headquarters, tell them everything that happened throughout the last seven days and make sure to send them our orders for food and other necessities." Lizz starts to explain when we reach a truck. I let my heavy bag fall onto the bed of it and enter the passenger seat after Ant. The close proximity bothers me slightly, but I try to stay calm and not let it get to me.

Throughout the ride to the barracks I let my eyes take in the wall right to me, not bothering to ask questions yet and Lizz and Ant seem to be content with the silence. Maybe they are used to it and prefer it over talking to each other. We arrive at a two story grey building, not unlike the houses in Abnegation though it is bigger. I guess functionality is more important than an appealing living quarter and it fits my early observation that life out here is harsh and isolated. Just like my Faction of origin is isolated from the other Factions, choosing a part of the city that is far away from the others and not as well connected concerning the infrastructure. I don't care either way.

We make our way into the building; Ant nods in goodbye and leaves me with Lizz. She explains to me that we don't use keys out here but cards to access the different parts of it. She tells me that keys can get lost too easily, cards on the other hand are secured with elastic bands inside the vests and jackets that are standard uniform out here. She also mentions keeping track of who enters and leaves and I think that's the main reason really. Higher up in the command chain means more access, lower means you can only enter your quarters and the kitchen that is connected to the common room. I want to point out that a system based on cards is likely to have more weaknesses because it depends on electricity and that I read about better ways while I was in the control unit but I don't because I am not here to question them but to learn their way of working. Lizz leads me down a barely lit corridor, our boots squeaking on the run down grey linoleum.

"That's where you stay throughout the three weeks you will be here." She says, pushing open the third door to the left. I enter before her, taking in the three bunk beds and cringe inwardly. Great, sharing a room again with people I don't know. I was relieved when I hadn't to sleep with eight other people in the same room after initiation because I was always uncomfortable resting with them around me. And I am so used to just sleeping with Eric that I think the first nights will be torture. I stop my thoughts there and think logical. I guess being a Guard at the Fence comes with cutting down on privacy not to speak about luxury and I just have to take precautions that will help me get comfortable. And it's just for three weeks. I will survive. I lived through worse. I go over to one bed that has my name on it and put my bag down on it, laying my jacket next to it. The sheets are rough, but smell fresh.

"If you need extra blankets, you find them in the closet in the hall. We try to save energy as much as possible shutting down the heating system from midnight to six in the morning and the nights get cold out here." Lizz says and I shrug.

"You mentioned it in your mail. I brought some extra clothes with me." I tell her and she nods approvingly.

Lizz leads me further down the corridor, showing me the washroom that is at least in a better condition than the ones back in my initiation quarters. We go up a staircase and I am given two jackets, my name on a small shield on the front pocket. We enter a plain office afterwards: two desks with computers, a printer and racks filled with files and books.

"You will work here when you aren't out Fencing as we call it. Max instructed us to show you the ins and outs when it comes to organizing the shifts, food orders, and stuff like that." I nod at Lizz and she seems to think for a moment.

"Though I plan to let you get a feel for what it is like to live out here so you will run the normal shifts – one week in the morning, next night, next evening. I think it will help you with your tasks when you are back in the headquarters and give you more insight then just sitting in a boring office all day long." I nod again and she looks at me slightly amused.

"Not very talk active, are you?" She asks, her voice laced with humor and lightheartedness and I just shrug smiling slightly.

"When I don't know what to say or there isn't anything to talk about I prefer to stay silent." I answer her evenly. She weighs my words for a moment and her eyes shine with approve again.

"I like your philosophy." She says and I smile slightly. Lizz goes over to presumably her own desk and gives me an envelope from it.

"You will find your personal shift schedule, passport and other information in it. Because you are Max' assistant you have access to most parts of the barracks but not to the servers – it is restricted for the technical support. Make sure to memorize your ID and password, the map hopefully helping you when you move around here. Let's get you something to eat now and then I can explain the first week and how things are done out here." I put my envelope into my pocket and follow her again.

When we enter the kitchen there is already another woman standing at the refrigerator, taking out a bottle of orange juice.

"Tris, this is Shauna." Lizz says and nods towards the woman. When Shauna turns around I recognize her as the girl that was with Zeke when we went to Abnegation. I smile at her and she reciprocates.

"So you will be with us for the next three weeks?" Shauna asks and sits down at the table, sipping her orange juice. I nod and follow Lizz to the stove. She presses a bowl into my hand and I fill it with the viscid tomato soup that's in a huge pot and take some bread with me to the table, sitting down across from Shauna.

"Any news from the compound?" She asks and I start to tell her about the little things I saw Zeke do, about Uriah and the others from my initiation class she knows. She listens intently, absorbing every word I say and I think I see a painful yearning in her eyes. I guess it is difficult to be isolated from the people you love for a long time, the vast emptiness of the fields around us probably not helping.

"Finished catching up?" Lizz speaks up after Shauna and I stay silent for a few minutes. She doesn't wait for us to answer her but just continues explaining. She talks about the different times for the shifts to start, morning at 6 am, afternoon at 2 pm and night at 10 pm. She tells me that we patrol a length of 3.5 kilometers while working, each team of the south Guards getting separated sections. While on duty we don't come down off the wall, having to take food with us and depending on the shift we work on, we have to do different tasks after it ended on the Fence.

Apparently the morning shift takes care of cleaning the common area and cooking for the other two shifts. The afternoon shift is responsible for the trucks, driving them to a station to recharge them and maintain them as good as possible. The night shift controls the different solar cells around the barracks to make sure that they are still intact and we don't need to call up Erudite to repair them. I think it is a fair system because we rotate in the same rooster and everyone has to do everything at some point.

Because I am on the team of the commander I am not on duty on weekends, having to go with Lizz to the different smaller barracks along the Fence of her catchment area, collecting reports and orders. My Saturdays and Sundays I will spend in the office, catching up on paperwork and analyzing the work load. It sounds like a busy schedule and I look forward to it. Maybe having to do this and that and being in action all of the time will help me lose the feeling I got since my feet met the muddy ground when I jumped off the train.

"There are two sorts of people out here," Lizz concludes and leans next to me against the counter as I clean the dishes, "the talk active ones that search company in the common room when they aren't busy, playing cards, talking, reading. And the silent ones keeping to themselves. All in all the people out here are a close knit group, though, most of them know each other for a long time. But I don't think you will have problems and if you do, just think about it as a lesson learned. You will be gone in three weeks and won't come back if you don't mess up in your job."

I try to ignore the hard underlining tone in her voice that I know speaks of jealousy at least a bit. Listening to Lizz I got the feeling that she enjoys her time out here, is proud to be the commander of the south Guards and feels passionate about her duty. But maybe my arrival here shows her a life she would never have. I will go back to headquarters, meet Eric and my friends again, will see the skyline and feel the life of Dauntless. But she and all the others out here won't. They can go back for a weekend every two months depending on the time of the year but I guess most refrain from it. Maybe the bitter memory of a life they can never have keeping them in isolation because it's easier to cope with that then memories of laughs, talks and having a family.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	43. Chapter 42

_A/N: Early Christmas Time everyone. Thanks for the reviews. Here is a new chapter. Wish you a happy Christmas and a successful new year.  
_

_Warning: Heavy topic (for me to write and maybe for you to read): depression. Not beta-ed yet._

_Anyone with ideas or the wish to help me is of course welcome._

_Disclaimer. I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

The other occupants of the dorm enter around 11 pm. Two men, three women. They nod in my direction after standing perplexed in the doorway for a few seconds, faces red, eyes teary after their shift at the Fence. They don't introduce themselves and I don't ask, feeling uncomfortable and nervous. I know I should step up and introduce myself but their silence lets me stay put on my bed, touchpad in hands and reading my notes.

I should probably already be asleep but the continual coming and going of the others keeps me occupied a while longer. I try to memorize their behaviors and patterns because I think it will come in handy avoiding uncomfortable situations when I know how I can stop myself from unconsciously interfering with their normal schedule. I guess it's the part of me that is Abnegation to some degree putting the needs of others above mine. I don't feel angry about it and the notion feels natural and not forced.

Soon the lights are turned off, quiet wishes of good night too loud for the otherwise silent room. I try to sleep as well, hoping I won't be tossing and turning but know that it will be inevitable. I feel the uneasiness inside of me, the nervousness for the things that lay ahead and the slight uncomfortable atmosphere around me. I am not sure if I just imagine it but I don't feel all to welcomed and can't suppress the worries I have about having a hard time getting along with anyone. I don't know if I am afraid they will insult me or try even worse or if they will just ignore me because I am a fleeting event in their otherwise not changing routine. And I am a bit afraid of the dark things within me that seem to hum in response to the landscape around me and the insecurity I feel because of it. I try to push these things away, to not let it get to me and close my eyes hard to force myself to sleep.

* * *

I lay in my bed, curled up in my sheets, hiding my head underneath the fabric because the air is freezing, my own breath clouding in front of my face. Just as I predicted I have a hard time sleeping in the dorms. The sound of the breathing people around me, the squeaking feathers of their beds when they turn in them and the wind that presses against the windows seem to be louder than normal and I sigh in annoyance. The digital clock over the door tells me it is 3:30 am and I cringe. I am not sure what awaits me today, how boring or exhausting the shift at the Fence will be but I know it will be difficult no matter what because I haven't slept as much as I should have.

I miss Eric lying next to me, his even breath never disturbing the quiet of my apartment, his presence next to me relaxing, his scent cushioning the stress and too many thoughts. I wish I could lie next to him now, that my training would be over and that we shared small touches and kisses before we drift off to sleep. In the next second I scowl at myself. I made a promise to myself to learn as much as I can, to try to lose the frightening feeling of dependence and all I do at the moment is bath in self-pity. I am not that sort of person. So I push myself out of my cot, try to suppress the clattering of my teeth and pull the clothes I will need for my plan out of my bag. I dress as silently as I can, making sure to take everything I will need with me and exit the room.

When I close the door behind me I hear footsteps from down the corridor and look up. A boy maybe one or two years older than me is walking in my direction occupied with closing the jacket he just pulled on. His blond hair is disheveled, one of his pants' leg sticking out of his not fully closed boot. I smile slightly at his annoyed expression and turn around to be on my way for my run. I fasten my gloves again, flexing my hands to get my hands comfortable in the material. The boy I just observed falls into step beside me and I decide to be not as afraid anymore of getting to know the people at the Fence. Maybe my first impression wasn't correct again.

"Morning." I say, voice calm. I see him look at me out of the corner of my eyes, his eyes still a bit small from just waking up. He suppresses a yawn and nods afterwards.

"Morning yourself." He replies and scratches the back of his neck.

"Are you new? I thought this year's initiates are at the northern Fence." His voice is slightly raspy, probably because he just woke up and hadn't whatever he needs to wake him up fully.

"I'm Tris. And I won't stay long." I answer him and follow him into the kitchen to drink something before exiting the building.

"Lex." He tells me and I shake his hand. Lex goes over to the counter and starts preparing himself coffee, rummaging through the cupboards to find the instant powder.

"Want some?" He asks when he finds it, showing it over his shoulder. He turns slightly and I shake my head no, going to the refrigerator to get a bottle of water. He leans casually against the counters, legs crossed at his ankles and hands in his pockets. His eyes take me in fully now. They are a dark green and quite fascinating to look at, not as small anymore and shining with awareness. I don't want to think about what he sees, highly aware that I am probably lacking the outer aspects of a Dauntless member. I square my shoulders a bit and school my features into a neutral expression.

"Max' assistant in training?" Lex asks and I nod in affirmation slightly taken aback. I shouldn't be surprised that everyone just seems to expect me to be here, already knowing to some degree who the new face in the barracks is. Lizz probably told them that they had a visitor to supervise for the next three weeks. I try to gauge what they expected when she told them about me and I think they are either disappointed or indifferent. He takes in the new information and frowns slightly.

"What are you doing out so early. Aren't you in the morning shift?" He turns around to fill his cup with the boiling water from the kettle. I take a large gulp of my water before answering him, letting the cold liquid slide down into my stomach, waking me up a bit more.

"Yes. I couldn't sleep anymore and wanted to go on a run." I answer him and I see him nod.

"Make sure to take a flashlight with you. Can't have you break something stumbling through the darkness. And don't run too far away from the barracks." He says, taking a mug out of the cupboard behind him. I nod when he turns around, steaming cup in his hands and leaves the kitchen. I am aware again that the people out here seem to be different from the ones I encounter in the compound on a daily basis even though we all are from the same Faction. Even though we all are Dauntless.

I finish my water slowly, taking small sips and looking out of the window of the kitchen. I remember how I relished the eerie silence of the cafeteria on the day of my final test in initiation and try to find the same feeling in the silence around me but can't. The silence out here is deafening, oppressive and cold. I shudder slightly, feeling uncomfortable and stand up, rinsing the bottle in the sink and make my way out of the building. I decide on running along the Fence to not get lost in the darkness all around me.

I am used to silence for the most part of my life. Back in Abnegation we didn't talk a lot, always concentrating on losing ourselves, I a bit more than the other children because I never was selfless like them to begin with and always felt like running around more, being active. It was a bustling silence, accompanied by the rustling of folding clothes or the light clattering of putting together cans for the care packages. We stayed silent throughout conversations the adults had, we stayed silent in school, and we stayed silent at home. But the silence back then hadn't this vibe to it, not this atmosphere. Though Abnegation was quiet mostly, it was a soft silence, a kind silence that was laced with the awareness that you aren't alone, that just a few steps away another living being works, sleeps, eats, anything really.

Out here the silence is all-encompassing. It presses down on your shoulders, is sharp and makes you believe that you are all alone in the world, that your existence isn't relevant at all because the silence will be there with or without you. The soundlessness is dark and cold, not filled with the warmth of quiet smiles and kind gestures like back in my childhood and early teenage years. It makes me shiver and aware of the darkness within me. I tell myself to not go down that road, not yet, not ever while I am out here because I am not sure if I will find my way back.

The cold morning air burns my lungs and I enjoy the feeling of my moving muscles in my body, the warmth that slowly creeps into my limbs. The ground is still soft from too much rain and I have to be careful to not sprain my feet in the sinking earth. It smells like winter and I frown slightly because it is just the end of October and snow shouldn't start to fall for at least a month. I let my rhythmic movement sooth my overactive mind and concentrate on my breathing, the labored breath coming out of my mouth clouding the air in front of me.

I let my eyes wander from my path, see the glinting stars above me. Out here there is nothing except the Fence, the few Guards and the seemingly endless expand of nature in front of me. I try to lose myself in the feeling of the growing things around me, the bushes and small lonely trees but all I can feel is loneliness and the silence. I scoff slightly but can't suppress the yearning I feel after only being here for a few hours. I guess I am sensitive because I haven't slept well and I feel unwelcomed to some degree. I push onward, shut up my thoughts out of my mind and concentrate on losing myself in my run.

* * *

I meet up with Lizz and Ant in the kitchen freshly showered and feeling better after my exhausting run. They talk in small voices over eggs and buttered bread. I join them, sitting down and greeting them with a nod. I try to ignore the stares from the people I haven't met yet, take some scrambled eggs myself and start to eat slowly and carefully.

"Slept well?" Ant asks in a gruff voice and I mentally cringe. He probably sees the dark circles under my eyes and I myself scowled at when I saw them in the mirror after I showered.

"Not really." I answer, shrugging slightly.

"What kept you up?" Lizz asks, taking a sip from her cup.

"The wind. It was howling all night." I reply and feel alright with the half lie.

"Hope you won't fall over from exhaustion." Ant pipes up again and I smile pressed.

"Don't worry, I am used to exhaustion." I say and can't suppress my voice sounding defiant. He raises one of his eyebrows and chuckles lightly.

"Good to hear that. And don't get all defiant on me. I was just concerned. Its different out here and most people aren't comfortable at least for half a year when they join us." He answers and I feel sorry for lashing out at him.

"Sorry." I just mumble and stay silent for the rest of the meal, listening to Lizz and Ant conversing about the last week. I can't eat too much, my stomach heavy with the feelings within me and soon give up on it completely. I make it my task to clean the table and washing the dishes hoping the activity that is second nature to some part of me can help me focus on the day ahead.

"Ok, Tris. Time to go." Lizz says and I nod, drying my hands with the towel next to the sink. We make our way outside, pulling on our uniform jackets and approaching the truck we drove yesterday to get to the barracks. We stay silent throughout the ride and I pull out my touchpad to look at the plan I downloaded onto it beforehand because I won't be able to connect it to the internet out here. It's a bumpy ride, the continuous movement making it difficult to read the map properly and my shoulder connects with Ant's more times than not. I feel uncomfortable sitting so close to a man I don't know but I grit my teeth and suppress this negative feeling as well.

When we arrive, I take a last look at the map on my touchpad and put it away afterwards. I guess we are at sector 2 SEE. I am not sure what the letters mean and make sure to remember the question when the time comes to ask some. I exit the truck first, shaking my legs to get blood into them and wait for Lizz and Ant to join me. The Fence hovers over us as we approach it and we shortly enter a small hut next to it.

"So, to explain what you have to do while on duty except the obvious." Lizz begins and I look at her determined.

"While you overlook the parameter you also make sure to test the Fence itself for any weaknesses. You report them back to me when you finish your shift, using the protocols you find in this desk." She says, a hand going softly down on the wooden surface of said desk.

"That would be all I say to normal recruits, but because you are going to be Max' assistant you should know what happens with these reports. We collect them – we mean the commanders of the different squads along the Fence. Depending on the damage we report it immediately or every three months back to the headquarters. They organize a party of Dauntless and Factionless to repair the cracks and make sure that trees and other plants stay clear of the death zone to not obscure our view. The death zone is the parameter fifty meters away from the Fence on the outside." I intently listen to her, trying to memorize everything she tells me.

"It's also your duty to report the growth of the trees outside. When it gets colder we use flame baskets along the wall to keep us warm on our shifts so we need this information to know where we can collect the needed wood. Everything else is self-explanatory. Report everything back that seems to be out of the ordinary. Every three kilometer mark is a sign for you to know where you are."

"I have a question for you on that matter actually." I say, making sure to not interrupt her in the middle of the sentence. Lizz nods in my direction and I speak up again.

"I noticed that this sector is called 2 SEE. What does it exactly mean?" I ask and Lizz smiles approvingly.

"SEE stands for South-East-East. That means we are at one end of the Fence our squad is appointed to." I nod understandingly and wait for Lizz to continue her lecture.

"I don't think you need more information at the moment. We meet up at noon to have a short meal, and then go out again for the last hours of our shift. Take one of these with you," she holds out a small device, "It's a walkie-talkie. You can contact Ant and me with it if you are in danger or something else happens." I nod and look at the buttons. I am glad I worked in the control unit before coming here because I can identify the small symbols engraved in the soft rubber of the different buttons with my fingertips.

"Any questions?" Lizz asks and I shake my head no.

"Ok, we will go down further east, you to the west. We need to check out some reported damage." I nod and follow them back to the truck to get my gun and the small bag I am allowed to carry. I checked it back at the barracks and it contains some gauze for small wounds, a flashlight and an extra module to connect to it if the already attached one doesn't work anymore and a bottle with water. I clip the walkie-talkie to my belt and climb up the squeaking stairs. The wall is one meter wide and secured on one side with a railing, on the other barbed wire hinders anyone to enter the city. Lizz and Ant wave goodbye and follow the wall down the left side. It's strange that they would leave me alone but I am glad for it and think because this task is simple enough I don't need to be supervised doing it. I need some time alone moving around, seeing the sun and getting this strange feeling inside of me to disappear.

I can't really grasp it. It just something that presses down on me, making it sometimes difficult to breath and lets the darkness within me that is the wish to give up hum in anticipation. I am not sure if it is the bleakness around me, the silence in the air or the strange atmosphere but I feel closer to the abyss than ever before. I miss the headquarters dearly, the loud voices, the laughs and Eric. Eric who would smile at me and tell me to be brave, to not act like a child and be strong. I bite my cheek violently and stop my thoughts. It won't help to think about him or anyone back at the compound. It will just help in pushing me out of the small balance I have left since arriving yesterday evening. Its only one day and I already start to count the days when I am finally back in my flat.

I am not used to this side of me anymore. I never was an upbeat kind of girl, but since I entered Dauntless I slowly became a person I was comfortable with, I could accept. She had bad days when she was sad but never to this expense. The Fence makes me aware of this other side of me – the one that is depressed and edgy – and I can't associate her with the picture I now have of myself anymore. I don't like it one bit.

I take a deep breath and pause in my steps, look out over the barbed wire, the first sun streams appearing in the distant and concentrate on the light. I am disappointed with myself. Disappointed that I let my surroundings and the voices in my head pull me down, making me edgy and sad. Disappointed that I don't use the flame inside of me to carry me through this. I try to grasp it, to burn away the negativity that seems to envelop me just like the sunbeams approaching at the horizon burn away the shadows of the night. I feel that the weight slowly lifts and take a deep breath, carrying on down the Fence.

I try to concentrate on the positive aspects because I think I let the lethargy and sadness drown the things that are worth working at the Fence too easily. I focused too much on the things I miss and my surroundings instead of keeping an open mind. The job is hard; having to live far away from your own Faction, from the life you got to know while you were an initiate or even a Dauntless-born and I think the transition is hardcore. The limited possibilities to visit with family, friends and new people, to build a life on your own with living in your own flat, to relish the luxuries of going out on a drink or getting new things make it hard for anyone and especially for people who have Dauntless as their aptitude. But you have companionship, a duty that keeps you outside and active and the interaction with different Factions. I don't think it will ever be a job I would consider though but I don't feel bad about it. I know that watching the Fence, making sure that it is maintained and our city is guarded are tasks very important but I don't think I am cut out for it. And I don't need to be, I remind myself and enjoy the slight lightness that accompanies this thought, because I am just here for three weeks and can go back. With this thought in mind I square my shoulders, lift my head and continue on down the wall.

* * *

The first week was the hardest but I designed a schedule that keeps me busy with different activities. I train early in the morning, do my shift at the Fence, go back to the barracks to work in the office even though Lizz tells me that I don't need to and brew myself tea in the evening that calms my mind. It isn't as good as the one Jules made me what feels like ages ago but it works well enough and I sleep for a few hours. I don't interact much with the other occupants of the barracks and they don't pressure me into any conversations. We greet each other but that's all there is. It doesn't bother me anymore like it did on Monday because I told myself like a mantra that their behavior has nothing to do with me personally but is their response to the life they live.

When I have difficulties to sleep I write my friends short e-mails and even reply to Peter's strange detached message trying to not sound put out by his behavior and cloak my questions into snarky remarks and sarcastic jokes. I don't write Eric though and feel guilty about it. But I am afraid on one hand that he maybe reads between the lines and discovers how sad I am actually am. I don't want him to know that the first week at the Fence feels like living nonstop with my father again, that I feel uncomfortable around the people here and stay alone for the most part. I don't want him to know that I am afraid of myself sometimes and can't sleep properly, some nightmares returning I haven't had since I left my old house in Abnegation on Choosing Day. I don't want him to know that the silence could be my downfall if I don't keep myself busy. And I don't want him to think I am weak.

On the other hand I want to be independent from him and his words. I know I deny my own wishes and feelings with my behavior but there is something inside of me that closes the program every time I set him as the receiver of a message that ignores the contact symbol on the desktop of it. Maybe I want to prove to myself that I can carry on without him even though I am sad a lot of the time and feel exhausted nonstop. Maybe I want to be strong on my own and want to fight these demons within me alone. Maybe I don't want to share the heaviness inside of me with him because I just know on some unconscious level that he has to carry too much already. Maybe I want to prove to myself that I am not dependent on him and can still breathe even if he decides to leave me sometime in the future.

At this realization I feel like laughing at myself. I clearly remember my words back then when we openly talked for the first time about our feelings. I told him that I know that his feeling could change along the way, that maybe we won't work out and that I am aware that I could get hurt. But experiencing the pain now, of not having him with me, of denying myself the contact I think I lied right through my teeth back then. I wasn't aware that it would break me on the inside so much and I wasn't aware how deeply I could feel for him after just one month. I was naive to think I could live without him when I already went back on my promise to myself to not get involved, to stay away from him. I try to change the way I feel about him, use the silent hours of my shift to talk myself out of this emotion but I am naive as well to think that I could just order me to stop loving him. But the duties I let myself do help with it and the emotion is buried deep within me. It helps to keep busy and it helps that I don't get a break even on the weekend.

On Saturday I sit in the office with Lizz, organizing the plans for the shifts for the next month until the end of the year, reviewing the reports they sent out through the year on things that needed to be prepared, comparing them to the original protocols the Guards gave Lizz, writing my own report to Max that is even shorter than the one I wrote him for the control unit and helping Lizz with anything else really. She tells me that she is relieved I am quick on my legs to think things through, that I easily grasp the way things work out here and that she is grateful to have a helping hand at the end of the year she doesn't have to explain every small detail to.

On Sunday I go with Lizz to the small huts along the Fence, collecting the reports and orders they have for their section. Because of the early cold weather they need some more blankets and clothes and Lizz frowns when she sees the list of things. I observe her way of interacting with the different Guards and discover small differences between the sections in the south. The ones working close to Amity are more cheerful, talk more and not just business. They joke around a bit and it seems because they have contact with the Faction of Peace and Kindness they were able to protect a piece of their old cheerful self that most Guards further away from civilization and action lost at some point.

I find myself enjoying the sunny weather when we drive along the barely there road along the Fence. I discover the harsh beauty in the landscape around us that had me filled with darkness for a whole week and respect for Lizz for the way she cares about the Guards as a whole and individually. She isn't talking to every one of them like Ben did back in the control unit and her words of encouragement are always laced with a bit of coldness and her commanding tone. But she also cheers some people up, promising to organize a small surprise for Christmas for the ones that stay at the Fence throughout the more or less holidays and orders a few luxuries that aren't on the list. She tells me she doesn't care one way or another, having to order a lot of things this way or that, but I see the calculations and know that she uses points from her own account to buy things for the other Guards. I find it funny that she tries to hide her act of kindness but I don't point it out to her and keep silent about it.

* * *

My second week at the Fence starts with trying to find a new rhythm. I have to run the nightshifts, so I have to change my sleeping habits and stay awake as long as possible on Sunday. I brew myself tea at 1 am and sit down in the kitchen, not wanting to disturb the other occupants of my dorm. I try to occupy myself with small things, recalculating the orders, reading a few paragraphs of the changes of the Dauntless law that Max and the other Leaders came up with the help of Candor, tell my friends about my first week in lengthy explanations of the work as a Guard at the Fence and of course a small paragraph for Zeke about Shauna who I haven't talked to throughout the week but saw on some occasions. I tell him that I see how much she misses him and that I plan to talk Lizz into giving Shauna a longer and earlier leave so she can visit a few workshops in the headquarters to come back even more prepared to the Fence. I don't know if it will work but the idea sounds good to me. I am sure Lizz will see right through the plan but I also know that she likes my initiative and does people favors hidden under a false pretense of more work.

The weather gets slightly colder again, November showering us with more rain and even a bit mixed in snow. If the wind was cold before it now is biting, howling through any open window and not fully closed doors. It is the first time I have to force myself slightly to keep training, to keep running my one and a half hour track and not skip it. Because it's so cold outside its harder to breath and the exercise is slightly painful. But I tell myself that that is a good sign, that I experienced pain in the first stage of initiation before I got better, stronger or faster. Even though my nose and mouth hurt every time I am back in the warm barracks and not even the hot shower afterwards helps because I have to cut short on it mostly. Warm water is a luxury you have to share at the Fence just like everything else is.

The first nights on the Fence are really hard because I am not only tired to the bone but also freezing most of the time. I packed extra socks and thermo-underwear, put on an extra long-sleeved shirt and leggings under my uniform but it all helps nothing against the cold wind and steady downpour. Dauntless provides its Guards with waterproofed boots and jackets and because I layer my clothes the water never touches my skin directly but the wind uses any wet patch to deliver even more freezing air and it's hard to not cry or scream in frustration. Because everything is wet the whole time we can't even light the flame baskets along the wall. I think it would be easier to stand through the nights if I had someone to talk to, but no one is out here on my route and I discover that I am no good company for myself – at least not while I am still struggling with the effect the landscape and the people out here have on me.

Instead I try to run on the wall as good as I can with the minimal light my flashlight spends, rub my hands together feeling them warm against the woolen fabric of my gloves for seconds and going icy just a few later. I rock for and back when I have to stand in one position to not let my feet get even colder and take burning showers when I am finally back in the barracks at seven in the morning. But try as I may I just can't seem to stay warm and it's no surprise that I catch a cold by the end of my second week.

My nose is clogged and I cough a lot but I try to push forward because I am afraid to lie down too early and think too much. Lizz asks me a few times if I am really alright when she hears me groan quietly at my headache and sneezing for what feels like the millionth time and I answer her with a determined nod and red nose. She frowns at my behavior and more times than not Ant looks worried at my slightly swollen and teary eyes and red face. I smile in response to their glances and brush the comments about looking like Dead on two feet away easily with a hoarse chuckle.

I am relieved when my third week begins and I don't have to work the nightshift anymore. My body is as exhausted as my mind, the cold that hasn't stop bothering me helping quite well with that and I sleep a lot more, easily changing my schedule from working through the night to late afternoon till late evening. I am a bit annoyed that I have to stop my runs before my shift because my slight cold slowly turns into a severe one and I think it would kill me if I push myself through the runs in the still bad weather.

Instead I search for alternatives, ending up cleaning the common room even though it isn't my task. But the guys from the morning shift don't complain and are even grateful for the 'small assistant' who cleans the public room more thoroughly than anyone else before and shows 'great potential' with her cleaning to become a good little 'wifey'. If they knew I do it because I have to keep busy to stop thinking about silence, darkness and love they probably would stop grinning at my expense. But they don't know and I brush off their comments and patronizing smiles easily enough reminding myself that they are a good practice for my time with the Guards in the Factionless sector.

Five days before I can finally leave the Fence Lizz puts her foot down though and forces me to stay in the barracks, in my bed with tea, soup and a hot-water bottle. I think I would have fought her more on it if I wasn't too afraid to have to stay longer if I am not better by Sunday. The thought of staying in bed and having so much time on my hands makes me edgy again and deeply nervous. But I shouldn't have been worried because for the next three days it seems I am constantly sleeping. I unconsciously discover that I have a room for myself on the second day but am only really aware of it when I wake up one morning and don't feel my back going rigid for the sounds other people make in their sleep.

I look around at the off-white walls and the huge locked apothecary cabinet. On a nightstand next to my bed I find my touchpad, a glass full of water and different pills. I touch my hair and cringe slightly when I feel it is stringy and laced with presumably sweat. When I try to push myself up into a sitting position I realize with a small shock that my arms are slightly shaking with the effort and I ask myself for a moment what the Guards did to me. The door opens suddenly and I tense.

"Finally awake?" Lex says and enters the room as if he owns the place. I don't feel like answering. Obviously I am.

"You had us quite worried for a few hours." He says and I look at him puzzled. I try to speak up but my voice is barely there and I need to clear my throat a few times, taking small sips from the water on my nightstand to help with cleaning my vocal chords.

"What happened?" I ask and scowl at the hoarse whisper that leaves my mouth. Lex chuckles lightly and sits down in a stool next to the huge cabinet.

"Well, Lizz forced you to stay here and when she checked up on you, you didn't response so she called me." I am slightly confused why she would call him but realization hits me in the next second.

"So you are a nurse?" I ask him and he scowls at me.

"I am the resident medico, yes. You had a calenture for a few hours and we thought we had to call the headquarters to organize an emergency transport for you but in the late afternoon you started to respond to the medicine and the fever went down." I look down at my hands feeling ashamed that I ignored the signs of my body so long it shut down on me. And I am angry because I maneuvered myself into a situation where someone else had to take care of me because I couldn't.

"You slept for the last three days and I hope you learned your lesson." Lex says and I nod once. His eyes are trained on my face, a hard glint in them, but he doesn't need to look at me like that. I already know I messed up.

"Max was furious when he heard about your condition. Naturally we needed to inform him, you being right under his command." I flinch slightly. I don't look forward to meet him again. He probably is furious because I missed nearly one week of training or something like this – I am as well. I may not like it here and can't wait to leave the Fence to never come back to it for more than a few hours, but I am a responsible person and let Lizz down. Maybe I could take my work back with me and send it to her via mail? I have to ask her, wrap up everything before I leave as fast as possible. If I can leave because I still feel a bit weak, my throat is killing me and I am hot and cold at the same time.

"Will I be able to go back to the headquarters on Sunday?" I ask, my voice a hoarse whisper and I scowl again – I have to get better. I have to go back. He watches me for a moment and I am uncomfortable with his weighing gaze on my weakened body.

"That depends on you." He answers and leaves me alone again.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	44. Chapter 43

_A/N: Surprise. Another chapter, whoop. No reviews for the last one... maybe it really just sucked and you were afraid to tell me? Anyway, I want to thank you all for the favs/follows and hope you enjoy this not as heavy and quite fluffy chapter._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

Because it is Saturday and Lex didn't say anything about me having to stay in bed I push myself up from the bed and go over to its foot to see the clothes I wore the day my body probably shut down. I take a sniff of the fabric and wrinkle my nose. Sleeping in them and having a severe fever still wearing them laces them with a disgusting scent of old sweat and illness. I throw them down on my bed and take a look under it. Fortunately they brought my bag with them when they re-stationed me and I find a fresh set of clothes I can take with me to the showers.

I emerge thirty minutes later feeling more like myself but still a bit weak. My stomach growls in protest and I think it's a good sign, my appetite returning and I make it my mission to eat as much as I can. Maybe denying me food added up to my immune system being too weak to fight off the virus. But I couldn't bring myself to eat more, my stomach heavy all the time with suppressed sadness and depression. It's still there but I also feel a bit lighter because I can go back soon.

The grey linoleum squeaks under my boot-clad feet and the corridors are deserted. I am glad I don't meet anyone, shame pressing down on me because I was weak and didn't even survive three weeks with the Guards. I find a new sort of respect in me for them that joins the respect I have for them staying here without going insane, fulfilling their duty and defying weather and possibly their own demons like I couldn't. When I enter the kitchen Ant and Lizz are sitting at a table bowed over steaming bowls of noodles. I take a short look around and I am relieved that no-one else seems to be present. I go into the room uncertainly not quite sure what I expect Lizz to say.

"Look who is back with the living." Ant comments with his gruff voice when he sees me and I smile slightly, feeling the guilt and anger coming back for my behavior and not acknowledging the signs of my own body. Lizz doesn't look up from her food and I think she is angry as well. On top of wrapping up the year, reviewing the reports from the Guards, doing her own shift and all the other things she has to do, it probably annoyed her that she had to worry about a stupid fresh-from-initiation Dauntless as well. I guess she wouldn't be as furious if I had skipped a shift or done anything that would be not unlikely for teenage Dauntless to do. But I didn't pull pranks or wreak havoc or was responsible for sleepless nights of the other Guards. All I did was not a show of rebellion, at least not like Lizz maybe excepted, but a bold sign of a maybe irreparable part within me. A flaw that makes people who are responsible for you, friends, lovers and family worry about your mental stability and well-being as a whole.

"I am sorry if I was a burden." I say with forced calm, my voice hoarse and I try to ignore the itchy and painful feeling I get for speaking. Lizz stays silent for a bit more and I brace myself for anything she could say in response and know she has every right to scream at me. When she finally looks up her mouth is pressed into a thin line, her eyes are hard. I can't meet them for too long and look down to my feet.

"You should be. Do you have any idea how worried we were? What a pain in the ass it was to not only have to worry about you but take up your working load as well?" Her voice is laced with anger and even more coldness I have heard her speak with in the last two weeks. I nod and feel like a child and not like the responsible adult I have to be now, not even the responsible teenager I thought I am. I stand at the end of the table and am not able to look her into the eyes when she lectures me. I think she has every right to do it but I also am afraid what she might say.

"I was convinced you are a responsible person and started to see why Max choose you to be his assistant. You are clever, strong, independent and a quick thinker. But the recklessness you showed seems to contradict everything you appear to be. You didn't know when to stop, taking up even more work that wasn't yours to begin with. You didn't acknowledge when to take a break, didn't listen to Ant or me and on top of that ignored all of the warning signs going unconscious without notifying anyone how ill you really are." I flinch slightly and nod again waiting for her next words. I am disappointed with myself because without seeing me I know I look like an eight year old that can't take to hear the truth. Instead of meeting her eyes head on and accepting her words as the truth I concentrate on the dirty stains on my boots. But I should have known that she wouldn't take my behavior.

"Look at me, Tris." Lizz says, impatience making her louder and more commanding. I don't evade her eyes anymore that glint with something I haven't expected to see after her words. She takes a deep breath and I see her posture relaxing slightly, but when the words leave her mouth I am a hundred percent sure that she is completely serious and still angry.

"I don't care that Max threatened me with evaluating my command in the south because I seem to be unable to make you stop from hurting yourself. I don't care that I had to work fifteen hours a day to get everything done. But I care about the way you held yourself here, the way you treated yourself and I am worried for what it says about your present and future." I try to swallow the lump in my throat and am ashamed again.

"I think it's 'nough now, Lizz..." Ant pipes up, trying to diffuse the tension but Lizz ignores him and goes on.

"There is a fine line between fulfilling ones duty and going overboard until you can't anymore and you crossed that line right from the beginning. I hope you learnt your lesson and start to understand that working and keeping busy to exhaustion doesn't stop the feelings or the thoughts or whatever made you do the things to yourself that you have done." Her words hit me brutally and I squint my eyes close. It's really enough now, I think but Lizz isn't finished. I groan inwardly because I know she is able to see how true her words are and at my own inability to accept this truth.

"I am just glad that I don't have to be responsible for your reckless ass as of tomorrow anymore. Until then you do exactly as I say starting with eating enough and staying away from the office." I bite my lip and shift from one foot to the other for a moment. I know I should be grateful that she offers me to do my work, but the part in me that is still slightly Abnegation can't just accept it. No-one should do my work when I am able to do it.

"But..." I speak up but shut my mouth a second later when Lizz' angry voice interrupts me.

"Tris, I mean it. Don't make this worse for yourself and just do as I say." I nod once, shoulders slumped in defeat and fill my bowl with noodles and tomato soup. I try to ignore Lizz' calculating look, the way she makes sure I really do as she commands and eat. My thoughts circle while I mechanically go through the movements of filling my spoon, guiding it to my mouth, chewing, swallowing, and repeat.

I should feel relieved that I can finally leave, that I can turn away from everything and forget about these three weeks. But I am not because I am honest with myself and know that Lizz' words will haunt me to make sure I really understand what I was too stubborn to see myself.

All the good feelings within me aren't an illusion but a cloak I use to hide this other side the Fence made me look at with. I shouldn't have ignored my own darkness for so long, shouldn't have suppressed it because it will just come back. It just needs a trigger and knowing my luck like I do there will be a lot of them in my future.

* * *

My last hours at the Fence were filled with eating enough – Lizz' standard not mine –, sleeping and packing up my stuff. Because I lived out of my bag mostly I don't need to search long for all of my small belongings to be ready to head out to the train. Lizz gives me another bag, telling me to deliver it to Max when I am back at the headquarters. It is filled with documents and I think the report on my abilities and how I did as well. I cringe slightly at the thought, not sure how Lizz' evaluation will sound like but I trample down my worries for the moment, promising myself to look at them later when I am not so nervous and edgy anymore.

Because I was distant with everyone, even with Shauna, I just wave, croaking out a goodbye at the Guards I see on my way out of the barracks. They nod in goodbye but other than that we don't communicate. I don't feel too bad about it and just accept it as a given fact. At least I won't miss anyone from back here.

We take the old truck again to reach the train station on Sunday afternoon. The ride is silent again, just like it was when I arrived. The weather is slightly better, no downpour anymore and compared with the last weeks it is even warm to some degree. Or as warm as a November day can be.

We exit the truck the train already waiting to make its way back through the city, the tracks leading it north. I put my bag and the bag Lizz gave me into a car and turn around to Ant and my instructor for the last time.

"Was good having you 'round, Tris. Get well soon." Ant says and I smile in return. He shakes my hand and makes his way back over to the truck.

"Shauna will leave in one week for headquarters, working with the technical support to learn a few things to aid her out here for the rest of the year. Maybe she can repair some things without us having to send for a guy to come out here." I nod and try to hide my smile. At least something worked out the way I planned.

"Thank you for taking up with me and I am sorry again for everything. If you need help with the reviews or anything..." I let my offer hang in the air and Lizz frowns slightly.

"I will do it myself just like I did every year before you came here. It was nice having a helping hand but I will manage with or without you." Lizz replies and I nod at her, small smile still present and don't take offence at her words.

"You should go now. Make sure to get well soon and start to care for yourself more." I cringe slightly, but shake Lizz' hand nonetheless. I take a last look at the Fence and the landscape around us, sure I will not miss anything really. I take up my seat against one of the walls of the train again, happy to sit down even though the metal is uncomfortably cold against my back and legs. But I am still exhausted from my three days unconscious and need to rest a bit. I listen to the truck that takes Lizz and Ant back to the barracks and wait for the train to take me back home.

Home. The word fills me with content. It evokes pictures of my friends within me, of my brother that promised to visit me as soon as I am back and of Eric. My happiness deflates a bit. I wanted to prove to myself that I can live without him that I can be independent from him and his presence only to realize that I love him or at least the things I discovered of him to this day. It's a warm, deep feeling full of content this love I feel for him and different from the love I feel for Tobias. It's stronger maybe or more important or special because it isn't a love for a sibling but something delicate, something that can easily be broken. A fine bond between people that aren't sharing anything but mutual attraction and care.

The feeling isn't uncomfortable like I thought it would be and it isn't as frightening. My burning wish to be independent is and I am happy that I can deceiver my emotions at least that much to come to this conclusion. I am not sure if I can share my feelings with Eric until I found a solution to my problem with trust and dependence but it gives me strength to know that I am able to feel this deep for another person that isn't my brother. That I am able to feel more then the things I felt as an Abnegation and throughout initiation and I hope it is a sign that someday I can tell Eric about it, can give him my love and myself fully without feeling inner restrains or fear. I hope he will as well and is patient enough to wait for me if the situation arises.

* * *

I jump off the train, the added weight of my bag and the briefcase Lizz gave me, let my knees buckle a bit and I nearly fall down. When I look around my eyes are instantly drawn to the tall man in Dauntless black, arms crossed, face neutral, posture intimidating. Without thinking I let my bags fall down beside of me, ignore the pain from the cold in my muscles and just start to run. I see his smirk for a second before I jump on him, arms around his neck. He not even has to take a step back from the impact, just closes his arms tightly around me and I feel safe and whole again. I bring my head back to look into the grey I missed so much to see the though smaller but also intense reflection of my own feelings.

Eric kisses me then, his mouth hot and demanding and all I can do is reciprocating, letting him take the control, feeling light. His tongue meets mine halfway and I feel something different in it. A small metallic sphere that makes kissing him with tongue and teeth even more intense. I think we both shudder at the contact, my heart beating fast against my ribcage. I savor him and his strong hold. He tastes of home and smells like life. I groan softly when he sucks at my tongue gently and feel his lips on mine turn into a smirk in response. It makes me smile in return at his teasing nature that contradicts his normally cool demeanor. Our kiss slows down slightly, lips sensually meeting, staying longer on each other, avoiding the moment when we have to pull apart to get out of the cool wind on the roof. I feel him to the soles of my feet and think I can walk lighter again, absorbing his energy, embracing his strength.

When we pull apart, I slowly glide down, stand on my own two feet again and he softly brushes away a few strands of my blond hair, cradles my cheek for a moment in his big warm hand. His eyes are a warm grey, like ash still hot from a recently gone fire and I smile, when the corners of his mouth pull up slightly. I lean into his touch, sighing softly and he lets it glide to my forehead. His hand stays there for a moment and a frown appears on his face. I pull back with a half-smile, taking his hand into mine.

"When did you get the piercing?" I ask him, trying to change the subject before he can point out that I still have a fever. Eric shrugs, his thumb drawing circles at my hand and watches me intently, with an awareness that is new to me.

"Just after you left. Felt like getting a new one." He says and I smile up at him, thinking that maybe he chose this time because I wasn't around and he could rest his tongue to heal enough. Maybe he was self-conscious about the probably strange way he sounded whenever he spoke for a few days after getting the body mod.

"I like it." I response, my cheeks lightly coloring, eyes glinting with remembering the small metal sphere against my tongue and inside my mouth. He raises one of his eyebrows, smirking slightly and when he speaks his voice is laced with innuendo.

"I am sure you will appreciate it some more in the future." I am confused what he means and he smirks probably at my cluelessness. When I finally put two and two together I take a short breath in surprise and want to come up with a good response but my mind is blank because my lower stomach is suddenly filled with a certain tightness and heat. A throat is cleared beside us, rescuing me unconsciously and I am positively surprised on more than one level to see Tobias standing a few steps away, arms crossed. His face is drawn into a mixture of a smile and a grimace probably from Eric and my display and conversation.

Tobias and I talked about him meeting me right after I come back in my flat before I left. It was a spur of the moment decision on my part but seeing him here now strengthens my wish to clear things up between us and for him to be honest and open. I make my way over to him, feel exhausted even though I did nothing more than just rode the train and could draw energy from Eric. I cringe slightly and hope that this stupid cold will go away soon. I don't like the way my body feels and my limbs hurt. Tobias' expression turns into a frown when he gets a better look at my probably worn out face and his eyes fill with worry. He already got my bags and I sigh silently in relief.

"What happened to you?" He asks and I shrug. I take a look around, wrap my jacket tightly around myself and start to walk again, leading the way into the warm Dauntless headquarters I wasn't even aware I missed this much. Eric comes up next to me, grabbing my hand and I smile softly up at him. His face is closed off again and to anyone he would look like always – distant, unapproachable and cold. But I see his contentment and I am happy that I can already read him so well. I look to Tobias on my other side and think I have never felt so good ever before having the two most important men in my life on either side of me.

"I caught a cold in my last week. Nothing too serious." I answer him after the metal door closes with a loud bang. I let the sounds around me envelop me, close my eyes for a moment and take a deep breath. Eric's hand slightly squeezes mine and I respond with one of my own, hoping he gets the massage. After breathing clean air for so long I wrinkle my nose a bit at the intensity of smells in the air around me. But I also recognize them and feel contentment settle in my heart. Home.

"For only having a small cold you lost a lot of weight." Tobias answers and watches me out of the corner of his eyes when we make our way to my apartment. I see Eric nod at my brother's statement in my peripheral vision and smile slightly. If they are aware that they just agreed on something?

"Maybe it wasn't a small cold but a severe one. Point is, I feel better already; I am back and can enjoy long showers and having all of you around me again. And my own bed without anyone disturbing me." I chuckle at my own voice still hoarse but laced with dreaminess. Tobias chuckles next to me and I shove him slightly. It feels like we never fought the interaction friendly and warm.

"I plan on disturbing you a lot." Eric says casually, eyes fixed in front of us. My cheeks feel warm and I squeeze his hand again, chewing my lip softly. Tobias takes a suffering deep breath. I suppress the laugh that wants to leave my mouth and try to keep a straight face. Eric looks at Tobias then who scowls slightly, a self-satisfied smirk on his face. I shake my head at their antics, chuckling lowly.

"After your little display on the roof I am not sure I want to hear anything else." Tobias says sourly and I feel my cheeks heat up – not from fever but the embarrassment of my brother becoming aware that I am not ten anymore. But maybe it is a good thing. Maybe he finally realizes that I am an adult now, more or less and can take him telling me the truth. But then again this connection is probably a bit far-fetched. Just because he suspects I am sexually involved with a man – what I am not – doesn't mean he may come to the conclusion I am old enough for the serious matters he hides from me.

"It's none of your business anyway." Eric responses and shrugs nonchalantly. I ask myself if he is looking for a fight with my brother and quite successful in finding it when I see Tobias' scowl deepening. I am about to speak up to dissolve the tension but am interrupt by someone calling my name.

"Trissy!" I turn around slightly to see Rick jogging up to us. He doesn't greet my brother or my boyfriend, his eyes fixed on me. I am slightly taken aback at his sudden appearance, angry for the nickname and confused what he wants from me. Maybe Kent sent him to get me as soon as I am back from the Fence?

"Hey Rick. And it's Tris." I say and nod in greeting, voice casual. He smiles broadly and winks at me, before coming to a halt a bit too close to my liking. But Eric and Four are with me and I don't tense.

"I was wondering if you would join me and the other guys from the team for a get together on Saturday." He asks and I frown slightly. I wasn't really close with anyone from the team except Uriah and Zeke naturally and his sudden invitation is really something I haven't expected. I feel Eric beside of me tense. For what I am not sure. I look shortly to Tobias, prominent scowl on his handsome face and eyes glinting with something I am not able to grasp before looking back to Rick. I chew my lip softly before responding.

"Uhm, I don't know, Rick. I just came back and haven't talked to Max yet. Maybe I will be too busy..." He interrupts me and I feel anger rise within me for his rudeness.

"It won't be anything big. Just talking a bit, some alcohol may or may not be involved. A few games. It will be fun." He wiggles his eyebrows and I cringe inwardly. I don't drink alcohol and the way he says 'games' lets me feel uncomfortable for some reason.

"Are Uriah and Zeke going to be there as well?" I ask and try to ignore Eric's painful hold of my hand. It would be nice to see them both again, especially after my not funny weeks at the Fence. Their outgoing nature, easy smiles and messing around with each other were definitely some of the things I missed dearly.

"I am not sure, but I will ask them immediately if that means you're going to come." Rick says, voice eager and wide smile still present on his face. I weigh my feelings for a second, uncertain what I want to do and settle on a maybe.

"I'll think about it." I answer, nodding again in goodbye but Rick takes a step forward and hugs me with one arm around my back, his hand a bit too low for my liking. My back goes rigid and I squeeze Eric's hand probably as painful as he does mine. Tobias takes a step forward, hands clenched at his sides but before he or Eric can move, Rick has pulled back already and waves, going off into the direction he came from. Eric growls next to me and when he speaks his voice is laced with rage.

"What was that?" I shrug, not sure myself. I look up to him. His eyes are dark grey, stormy even and his mouth pulled into an angry line. I let my other hand that isn't clutched in his touch his stomach slightly, turning to him more, but he doesn't react, still focused on the spot where Rick vanished from. Tobias speaks up then, his voice a mixture of anger and strangely humor.

"Well, Eric, it's not like you are the only one who wants to get into my sister's", he makes a show of emphasizing the word and I roll my eyes, "pants." Eric growls again and I try to calm him down, gripping his shirt now.

"Rick isn't interested in me in that way." I say and feel Eric's arm sneak around my shoulder, pulling me against him. I look up at him with a frown on my face and hear Tobias chuckle for a second.

"I told you already, Tris that he definitely is." He says, his voice not betraying the anger he probably feels for someone he hasn't a high opinion of being so casual with me.

"You knew?" Eric says, his eyes fixed on Tobias now. My fingertips draw small circles, trying to keep him calm because he radiates anger at the moment and I am highly aware that it just needs one wrong comment to set him off.

"I would have told you, but something got in the way..." I tense at the meaning of his words and look at him for a moment. Eric seems to be as aware of me as I am of him, because his arm around my back tightens in protection. Tobias looks at me with affection and a muted hope and my carefree emotion deflates a bit, seriousness settling into its place. We have to talk about a lot of things.

"I think we should go to my apartment now." I say, feeling the exhaustion returning. But I don't let it pull me down, and even though the encounter with Rick left the air tense around us, I still feel the light happiness Eric's and Tobias' banter installed within me. They both nod and we start to walk again.

* * *

"I have to get some paperwork done." Eric speaks up when I search my pockets for my keys. I halt in my movement to look up to him.

"But you will be back later, won't you?" I ask, voice a bit unsure. I mentally frown at my display of need. His mouth turns into the gentle and special smile he reserves for me for a second.

"Of course." Eric says, leans down and kisses me. I relax slightly, my hand going to his jaw, fingertips brushing against the light stubbles. I don't want him to go, but he pulls away after a moment and looks me in the eyes.

"See you later, babe." He says casually, nods to Tobias and turns away, probably going to his office. I stare after him a moment, again transfixed by the way his shoulders and back move while he does nothing more but walk. He is a true predator and I don't mind being his prey.

"Tris..." Tobias says, his voice a bit agonized and I cringe softly, cheeks coloring again. I throw him an apologetic look, he huffs lightly and I pull out my keys finally, unlocking the door.

We enter my apartment and I am grateful for anyone that turned on my heating system before I came back. It probably was Chris because she has the spare key to my apartment. I have hers, just to be sure, as she said and I feel confident that she won't abuse my trust in her to keep her nose out of my business and my flat as long as it isn't an emergency. I thought about giving Eric the key, but our relationship was too new and it felt uncomfortable to put something so serious on it – I might have been exaggerating, though.

I take a turn around the room feeling light. I smile at my own silliness, behaving like I haven't seen my small flat for at least three years instead of three weeks. Tobias stays back and I am grateful that he gives me the room to explore my apartment as long and thoroughly as I wish. It's like he knows what I need without asking and this is something I think will never change, no matter how many things lay unspoken between us.

I frown slightly when I see my plant has a few brown leaves and take a small glass of water to wet the earth. I am not a person that needs a lot of things around herself, believing that it is unnecessary ballast, but I feel like the plant is a symbol for more than just me getting my first own flat. Its growth, life, starts all in one and I don't feel strange for associating it with these things. It just feels right. After I carefully detach the brown leaves, I go back into my kitchenette to brew some tea, real tea like Jules made me and let the aroma that has a richness the tea at the Fence lacked fill me up.

I sit down next to Tobias but keep my distance even though my body naturally wants to curl up next to him and feel his arm wrapped around my shoulders. But I want him to see that not everything is alright with him welcoming me back and that I was serious with my conditions, that he has to speak to me, to be honest and reply to my questions. Though he looks sad and as if his own body misses our closeness I also see understanding in his eyes.

I warm my hands at the hot cup full of herbal tea and sigh softly, a small smile still on my face. I am home. I can't stop thinking about it and I don't want to. It just feels too good. But I am also highly aware that the atmosphere around Tobias and me is tense now that I stopped exploring my flat and sat down. With Eric being gone there is nothing to keep me stable the way he does and I am aware that this is another thing I already depend on him maybe too much. I try to concentrate on the important things, try to come up with a good start, a good question to begin with, but before I can Tobias speaks up and I let him take the initiative.

"Tell me about your weeks at the Fence?" He asks with forced calmness and I nod, using the opportunity to practice my speech for whenever one of my friends or Eric asks me the same question. I don't want to tell them how I really was, what I really felt when I was at the Fence because I am ashamed of my actions against myself and not quite sure how to dissolve the darkness inside of me. I don't feel too bad of not sharing it because it would maybe change the way they see me. I don't want them to worry about me and I feel good now, welcomed and at home. I want to keep it that way.

Tobias asks a lot of questions throughout my explanations and maybe he sees some of the things I want to hide, his facial expression changing between casual interest and sharp worry. He doesn't command though and I am glad he lets me make this decision without pressuring me into answers. Maybe he is aware he hasn't a right to do so anymore because he himself avoided me and avoided an open conversation for so long.

When I am finally at the end of my story my voice is barely there, I make funny sounds when I try to breathe normally and I feel exhausted. It feels good though to talk about my weeks at the Fence because it gives me the opportunity to look at it from a different perspective, too. But I don't linger too long in my musings, don't think too much about it when Tobias hasn't any questions left and I try to concentrate on the important reason why he is here.

I find myself wishing he would be here just to be with me, just to share some every-day-stories, small jokes and exchanging touches to underline our deep love for one another. But we aren't like that anymore and I find myself slightly afraid but also a hundred percent sure that we won't be like this no matter how much afford we both put into repairing our relationship. Though I think it is long overdue that we take a first step to get to know each other again, to maybe build a relationship that is stronger and more honest. I force myself back into the now and look to Tobias expectantly, prompting him silently to start. He looks afraid before he starts to speak and I slightly frown.

"Love, I want to ask you for a favor." He says and I sit up a bit straighter. I don't like where this goes, but try to stay calm, my tiredness helping with it and take a sip from my nearly empty cup.

"What is it?" I ask, slightly concerned and suspicious, my voice barely above a hoarse whisper.

"I know I promised I would tell you everything and explain everything as soon as you are back, but I can't at the moment and it looks like you aren't up for it, too." He says and I don't need to look into his pain-filled eyes to know that he really is sorry and afraid for my reaction. But I am calm enough to realize that he is right and because I want to not go back to ignoring him and probably making the hole in my chest bigger again, I sigh slightly and accept his reasoning.

"I leave you off the hook for now because I am really tired and I already saw that you are ready to make it up to me." I answer him and he relaxes visibly.

"But don't avoid me as soon as I am healthy enough again to fight with you or ague back. You will answer my questions and you have a lot of explaining to do." I whisper hoarsely not able to speak louder or clearer. He nods, is slightly unsure for a moment but embraces me tightly after a few seconds. He buries his face in my hair and his warm breath tickles my ear and neck, letting goosebumps appear underneath my clothes on my arms.

"I missed you so much, Tris." He whispers into my hair and I let my own arms close around him. The pain I felt for his actions is still there but I enjoy the closeness I missed so long, breath in his scent and let it fill the hole he left just a bit. We stay like this for a while and I discover that I am nearly asleep when Tobias pulls back. I shake my head a bit to chase away the tiredness but feel that I really need to go to bed soon, Lizz' words reminding me to take care of myself. But there is something still missing and I smile slightly at the thought.

"Could you do me a favor as well? A favor involving Eric?" I ask surprised a bit at my own voice that is soft and laced with yearning. Tobias raises his eyebrows for a second, probably taken aback by the things he can hear in my tone that speaks of more than just liking someone. But his face doesn't turn into a thoughtful expression; instead he looks at me with acceptance and understanding.

"I don't know, love. I am not sure how to behave around him not just because he is your boyfriend but also because we aren't really close... but yeah, what can I do?" I nod, stand up slowly, muscles protesting and get my key out of my pocket. I suppress the groan that threatens to come from my mouth because I realize how deeply affected I still am by my illness.

"Give him my key please. I think I will already be asleep when he is finished with that paperwork of his and I don't want to wake up without him another night. And don't forget to lock the door when you leave." I say, exhaustion lacing my voice. I look at Tobias, feeling slightly impatient when he takes his time to grab the key out of my hand. It's strange that he knows about my feelings for Eric and accepts them without a second thought but taken aback when he is confronted with even a small hint at the intimacy we share. I let him have a moment and smile slightly at his face and then at his voice that is filled with a mixture of uneasiness and ironic humor.

"That will be uncomfortable. 'Hey, Eric, I know we have a difficult relationship but my little sister wants you in her bed when she wakes up so here, have her key'. Just great, Tris." I chuckle softly at his imitation but stop when I feel a slight headache at the movement and my throat finally giving up. Tobias looks worried but I shrug. A bit more bedrest, tea and sleep and I will be as good as new. I hope so at least.

He kisses my cheek, his arms tight around me before he leaves and I embrace him back, letting myself take some of his warmth with me before I pull away. He smiles again before he closes the door and I wait for him to lock it before I go into my bathroom, strip and stand under the warm water of my shower for thirty minutes. I close my eyes and relish the hot spray that feels like it washes away anything that still remains as sort of lingering restraints around my body from my time at the Fence. I feel my sore muscles relax and some of the weight from my shoulders lifts.

After my shower I take great care in applying crème on my body and pulling on the most comfortable things I can find. I end up with thick socks, tight but warm shorts and a t-shirt Eric left at my place that is big enough to go down to my mid-thighs. I enjoy the thought that it lay on Eric's skin and now is drowning my rosy-red, freshly lotioned body. I crawl under my covers, pulling them tightly around me and not caring that my hair will be in a mess tomorrow morning for not drying it thoroughly. I don't have to wait before my eyes close in exhaustion and I am fast asleep.

* * *

I am awoken what feels like in the middle of the night, gentle fingertips brushing through my hair and over my face. I try to open my eyes but succeed just slightly, meeting the grey eyes of my beloved boyfriend. I put my hand on one of his cheeks, feeling his heat seep into my fingertips, enjoying the friction of his light stubble against them and think my heart will burst with love for this man I met three months ago.

"Hey," he whispers, kissing my forehead and the corner of my lips. I smile sleepily up at him when he pulls back, the feeling of his lips on my skin lingering there, tickling the spots and feeding the wish for more. But it's a muted wish, covered by sleepiness, the last remains of peaceful dreams still in my mind and deeply relaxed because I am warm and Eric is next to me again finally.

"Missed you." I croak out, my face slightly frowning at my own voice and he chuckles softly kissing me again, his hands never stopping to caress wherever he reaches me. I yawn slightly, closing my eyes.

"Missed you more, babe. Go back to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow." I nod and don't fight the wave of sleep that drowns me and the content it brings for having back my heart with me. I feel him laying down next to me, his arms going around me and I press myself against him, can't get close enough but stop my movements when I am fully asleep seconds later.

* * *

_Thanks for reading - review please._


	45. Chapter 44

A/N: Hey there. Hope everyone is well. Have fun with this chapter - still searching for a beta.

Disclaimer: I owe nothing. Veronica Roth does.

* * *

Eric wakes me again with soft touches and I smile, eyes closed, right arm around him and stroking his spine with my fingertips. His scent lingers all around me and I am glad my nose stopped bothering me enough that I can smell it. We are a bundle of close body contact, skin on skin, tangled limbs and soft sheets. I feel warm and happy and like nothing could ever reach me in our small bubble. I don't feel any pain and I wish I could stay like this forever. I kiss his chest, right over his heart and he sighs in contentment, his heartbeat picking up a few paces just like mine does when he pushes me onto my back gently, his head going down to my collarbone, lips traveling over warm skin softly.

"Hey, babe." Eric whispers against my neck und I hum relishing in the feeling of him all around me, his body pressing down on mine. I feel complete with him.

"You have no idea how much I missed you." He mumbles at the crook of my neck and I let my lips move against his temple when I answer.

"I know exactly how much." He shakes his head no but doesn't elaborate and I can't concentrate enough to ask or to think really. His lips travel up to my ear and my heartbeat quickens, when he bites it softly, my breath leaving me in a small gasp. I feel his mouth turning into a smirk and a blush creeping up my neck. His fingertips brush against my stomach pushing his shirt up that I wore for the night. When I feel his calloused hands on me I lean up into his touch, closing my eyes.

My breath hitches when he reaches my breasts and touches them for the first time without fabric as a barrier between rough hands and soft tissue. His heat seeps into my skin und I can't suppress the shudder when his thumbs brush my erected nipples, feeling my stomach tightening and my toes curl. He holds me up against him with one arm around my back and I help him to pull off the shirt, leaving my upper body bare underneath his smoldering eyes. I don't hide from him and I don't feel ashamed. It feels right to share this moment with him, it feels right to take this new step.

He stares at me, sitting back on his heels between my legs, one of his hands stroking down in between my breasts and joins his other hand at my hip, pulling me up against him. I moan slightly when my nipples brush his pierced ones, my hands gliding into the back of his neck, massaging it softly. He softly tips my head back with one of his hands at my neck, letting his thumb slight down my throat and kisses me with feather light gentleness. Our tongues meet, but we don't fight for dominance. Not this time. We just let them brush against each other, feeling each other and I tell him without words how good he feels against me, how perfect I feel for the way he presses me against him without leaving any room between us. He pulls back slightly, watching me again and I see his smoldering grey eyes are filled with awe and affection.

"You are so beautiful." He whispers and I kiss his collarbone letting my tongue trail up to his Adam's apple. His chest rumbles against mine in contentment, our hearts beating hard against our own ribcage and the other in synch. I smile contently pulling him with me when I fall back on the mattress. His elbows are on either side of my head, his forehead meeting mine, eyes closed. We stay like this, breathing each other and it isn't like the first time we did more than kiss. It is a calm intimacy, a sensual exchange of body heat and affection. There is still fire but it isn't all consuming but a slow burn under my skin. He slowly glides down next to me and I snuggle close to his chest, finding his neck and spine, his muscles and soft skin with my hands. Everything around us seems muted; there is no fear, no nervousness, no panic. Just content and affection, care and warmth.

I lean back a bit to look at his face and smile up at him for a second. I am breathless because of the emotions I can see in his grey eyes. I got small glimpses of them through our interactions and sometimes he showed me something willingly to get a point across or to prove that he cares. But now in this moment he shows me everything and I need a second to not let it overwhelm me. His hand comes up, cupping my cheek and stroking it with his thumb. I concentrate on him, on the deep affection in his eyes, the panic that is there as well, the fire, the stubbornness and I find some part of me inside of him I wasn't aware he possesses. I force myself not to blink or to breathe because the milliseconds to close and open my eyes or the nearly silent sound of inhaling and exhaling would destroy the moment.

"I love you." He whispers, his face and voice serious, his eyes full of honesty and all I can do is stare. He smiles down at me for a second shakily, but doesn't wait for an answer pulling my head against his chest, slinging his arms around me, heart beating fast under my cheek. His shoulders are tense, his hold on me desperate and I think this confession is much more than I ever expected of him and maybe he expected of himself as well. Maybe he is afraid that he took that step, maybe he is as afraid as I am for feeling this way. Or maybe the price he has to pay to nobody but himself is heavy on his mind. I want to reciprocate the words but can't. I bite my lip and the moment is gone. I know I can't utter the words but maybe I can show him how much I wish I could.

* * *

Sometime later Eric's grip on me loses some of the clinginess and we get ready for the day, randomly touching when we meet in our routine. My hands find his bare chest or sinful abs; his fingers brush my collarbones, back and waist. We press small kisses against anything we meet at the other, staying in the doorframe of the bathroom when he is finished with his shower and losing ourselves in sensual movements - lips against lips.

When I lock up my apartment and we go down to the Pit and to the cafeteria I realize slowly that something changed in our way to interact with one another in public. That there are more random touches even though we aren't in my apartment anymore. He brushes his hand more often against some body part of me, as if he wants to make sure that I am still here. I don't know if his behavior stems from me being away the last three weeks without contact or from his whispered confession between warm sheets and embraces. I never took him for the type of person that would feel insecure about anything. He is this strong, dominant man in my mind and his confession didn't change it. But I am also aware on a new level that his words put something in my hands that could destroy him and it would make sense that he feels vulnerable. I wish I would know more about his past to come to the right conclusions, to understand him better and maybe make this situation easier for him.

I also realize that I am holding myself different as well and don't hold back in showing him I care. I am aware that it isn't the same, that I didn't reciprocate his words and feel guilty about it. I think he would feel better if I had said the words. Maybe he wouldn't feel as vulnerable because we both would have been exposed to one another if I had answered him. We stay silent through breakfast and I hope no-one will bother us for the morning. Of course I missed my friends, missed talking to them, but I have to come to terms with my realizations and the feelings inside of me first and foremost.

Eric and I separate with more kisses, he going back to his duties as a Leader. I watch him turn away from me, posture still intimidating to anyone who sees him but me and his friends. He still emanates superiority, a cold edge and dominance and I don't think anyone knows what lies within him, what makes him act like this, not even me. Of course I have a small idea because I have seen so much more of him, his way of bestowing his feelings on me, but in all honesty I am mostly clueless about his inner mechanisms. I wish I could change that.

I make my way up to Max' office, the briefcase Lizz gave me in hand after Eric vanishes behind a corner. It feels good to walk the tunnels again, to be aware and completely sure of my surroundings. I know at least a bit what to expect, where to turn to get somewhere I need to be and know that if I need anyone I just have to say so. I feel welcomed and like a part of it, not some detached piece that doesn't fit into the rest. I nod to the Dauntless that cross my way but don't stop to make small talk, my brain still in overdrive.

When I am in front of Max' office I take a few calming breaths and hope he is here. I didn't arrange a meeting with him before I came back to headquarters and I hope that he is in his office. I try to remember his calendar and don't remember any meetings. Max answers his door after my second knock. When I enter he seems to be surprised to see me.

"I thought you would take the week off to fully recover. Lizz' report said that you were unconscious for three days." He begins without greeting me and I stay in front of his desk instead of taking the offered seat. His eyes have this observing quality again and he frowns slightly.

"I already missed a lot and don't want to waste more time. And I feel better already." I answer levelly. Max continues to look at me, maybe searching for hints that I am as well as I say. It seems he has found what he was looking for because he changes the subject suddenly.

"What's with the briefcase in your hand?" He asks. I put it down on his desk before stepping back.

"It's from Lizz. It probably contains the reports we evaluated, orders for the next two months and plans. Her evaluation of my performance is in there, too, I think." I answer, voice calm.

"You think?" Max raises an eyebrow and I am not sure why he asks this strange question. Of course I can only guess. My task was to deliver it to him, not to look through it and it's a bit annoying that he possibly thinks I could have opened it without being told to.

"Well, I didn't ask her and I didn't open it." His face stays neutral, even though I know my lightly annoyed tone doesn't go unnoticed by him. He is the sort of person to pick up on small changes, a mechanism that probably stems from his observant nature. Max stays silent for a moment, leans back and focusses his eyes on my face before he starts to speak, a shrug accompanying his words.

"Why not? I would have been curious." I am aware now that he tests me, that he wants to observe my reactions, maybe wants to gauge my will and ability to follow orders and my trustworthiness. Maybe he already got Lizz' report? I scowl mentally because if that is the case he shouldn't feel the need to come up with a scheme like this. I am faithful to my Faction.

"These papers belong to you; it's a personal exchange between one of your commanders and yourself as a Leader. I know my place and I wouldn't overstep my position just to look at an evaluation you probably will talk to me about." I answer through clenched teeth, my temper raising. How Max is always possible to let me react like that I have no idea. The only thing I know is that I need to control myself and unclench my hands next to me.

"Why do you think I will talk to you about Lizz' evaluation?" He asks, still casual, his eyes shining with nothing more than curiosity. But I feel that there is something else as well. Something underneath it I can't put my finger on.

"As the person to come up with my schedule, your personal interest in my abilities and the one to point out mistakes and problems I think it would be highly illogical to keep these things to yourself. No personal gain and all." My voice is as relaxed as I can manage at the moment, my breath regulated. Max' eyes stay connected with mine a bit longer before he leans forward, opening the case and continues to speak.

"You are right. I will read through it while you go to Randolf, Sam and Stewart to finalize a time for a meeting. Here is the schedule Eric and I came up with." And just like that the tense moment is over and I am dismissed. I nod once, take the offered paper and turn around. I am confused what he tried to achieve with his interrogation, his questioning of my person and I hope I can find a few answers to it because it lets my neck prickle with nervousness and a foreboding feeling settles in my stomach.

* * *

Looking for the other Leaders needed more time than I first thought, looking with them through their timetable was annoying and finding a date everyone was available difficult. I sigh in relief when I can leave the Pit behind to make my way up to the elevator again to meet Max. Even though it's just around midday I feel exhausted and ready to go to bed. A side effect from the cold, I think. My muscles protest a bit when I start to climb the stairs to the Pire, my breath easily labored and I cough a bit when I am at the top of the stairs. I hate that I feel so weak, but I take a pause nonetheless leaning against the railing overlooking the Pit. Because most of Dauntless that resides in the Headquarters is in the cafeteria or still working, the Pit is unnaturally silent, but not as silent as the Fence was. I shudder slightly at the memory and start to make my way to the elevator.

I brush away the sheath of sweat from my forehead and am slightly nervous about the things Max read in the report Lizz sent him. I don't know the commander of the south Fence good enough to even guess what she would write, how detailed she will explain things to him and maybe she took it upon herself to inform Max of my fragile balance. I hope she didn't because though she was right about the darkness inside of me I don't want anyone to know, least of all Max. I may have a difficult relationship with him, swaying between respecting him for his afford and disliking him for his displays and schemes but he is still my boss and I want to prove I am good at my job. I bite my lip slightly, coughing again and fish for a tissue in my pants pocket.

The doors of the elevator open with a squeaking sound and I flinch slightly at the sound. As I make my way out of it a person passes me in a hurry, runs into my shoulder and the painful impact lets me hiss softly, an insult on my tongue. I grumble slightly and look behind me to answer with a sarcastic sorry but stay silent when my eyes meet Peter's. Without thinking I put my foot between the closing doors and they open again.

"Candor, I thought you couldn't make it back?" I ask, smiling slightly to see him again but it falls a second later. He averts his eyes, his features pulled into a grimace I can't put a feeling to and the reaction confuses me greatly.

"Just had to deliver something." He answers voice distant and laced with pain? I see his shoulders tense with every passing second and bite my lip for a moment, trying to meet his eyes.

"Oh, ok. Last minute task?" I ask, feeling put out by his behavior.

"Yeah, something like that," he answers evasively and before I can say something else continues.

"Look, I don't have much time. I need to go back to the barracks." He stuffs his clenched hands into the pockets of his Guard jacket. I wait a moment, maybe for him to say something more or for a remark from him about my pale features with the red nose or slightly funny sounding breathing but he doesn't. My frown deepens.

"Peter... did something happen? Did I do something wrong?" I more whisper than say, my own voice unsure and his eyes meet mine again. Their dark blue is filled with meanings and words I can't understand, his mouth pulls into a straight line.

"No, I just... I need to go. See you soon, Tris." He waits for me to step back, but I don't, want to keep him here to explain his out of character behavior. I want to inquire again if everything is alright, but he steps forward, his hands strong on my shoulders and pushes me back from the elevator gently.

"Bye, Stiff." The words echo in my ears and I need a moment to realize that the doors of the elevator are closed and Peter is gone. What's with everyone avoiding me or keeping things from me? And what's with Peter's strange shaky smile before the elevator closed its doors? I huff slightly, which makes me cough again and hurts my head more.

First his strange detached way to write me and now he doesn't take five minutes to talk to me, evading me. Three weeks ago everything was just fine, we were still progressing in our strange friendship and he even showed me with his actions that he cares. I thought he was busy working at the barracks, maybe his commander making his stay there harder than necessary and he had to deal with some problems, but obviously that's not all. If this would have been the reason he wouldn't interact differently with me. I go through my mail again and through our last meeting in person in my mind, thinking that maybe I said something unconsciously that would explain his behavior towards me. But no matter how I look at it, there is nothing. So maybe something really happened back at the barracks and in some way it's connected to me? I frown because this sounds really far-fetched even to me.

I push the thoughts out of my mind because I will be able to interrogate – yes, interrogate because I am just tired of people keeping things from me – him in two weeks anyway and coming up with my own explanations will just confuse the whole situation, just like it did with Christina while we still were in initiation. At the moment my head is feeling funny enough without too many thoughts as well, my brain seems to be wrapped in cotton and nails.

I start bracing myself against the next uncomfortable talk when I turn around leaving the elevator and Peter behind. I feel the churning of my stomach thinking about having to face Max and his reaction to the words Lizz put together for my evaluation. I don't know why I am so nervous because there seriously isn't anything to worry about – at least not this much. Maybe because I left his office with a foreboding feeling I am a bit on edge?

I knock on Max' door for the second time that day and have to wait only a second before my boss' voice calls 'enter'. I take a deep breath, clench and unclench my hands for a moment and push open the door. My eyes stay on the huge window behind his desk and I feel the nervousness slowly slide away, pushing it a bit more to be gone completely before I meet his observing eyes. I square my shoulders and look down.

"Hello." I say my voice raspy. Max doesn't respond his face serious and I am confused. I take his posture in more closely. Max frowns, his hands clasped in front of him on the desk. I close the door behind me and take a few steps into the room trying to not show how unsure I feel, how oppressive the atmosphere around me is and that I really just want to go to bed again.

"Take a seat, Tris." Max says, his voice sounds strange and I go over to the second chair, my eyes flickering between my boss and the papers in front of him. I bite the inside of my cheek.

"Did you collect all dates for the meeting with the other Leaders?" Max asks and I nod, pulling out the sheet and laying it down in front of him. I brush away some of my hairs from my sweat-covered forehead and the atmosphere of the room presses down on my already aching body. Max strangely emanates an angry vibe and doesn't answer my inquiring frown. He just furrows his eyebrows, has obviously a hard time holding something back. I take a shaky breath and take a moment to look behind my boss, outside his window. The sun is shining, but there are already dark-blue clouds at the horizon. Max' voice lets my eyes wander back to my boss.

"Good. Now to the report I just read. When were you going to tell me that you are depressed?" Max asks his voice distant. I am taken aback, wide eyes staring down at my hands, pain spreading through my chest. I am silent for a long moment, my mind coming up with different explanations I all but scoff at.

"Tris." Max says, and out of the corner of my eyes I see him clench his jaw. I know without having to look long that he won't back down. He is as angry and rightfully so, I think, guilt letting my shoulders slump a bit.

"Tris, I won't repeat myself." Max speaks up again and I take a shaky breath, my fingers brushing my hair away from my face before they fall back in my lap. I bite my lip again, tension making my shoulders hurt and my stomach turn. My eyes squint close for a moment before they meet Max' hard brown ones once again.

"I wasn't aware myself." I tell him, voice calm and honest, and a bit raspy. He narrows his eyes for a moment but before he can speak up, I continue.

"And I promise you I would have talked to you or Eric beforehand if I would have been aware what this... place... could do to me." I keep my eyes on him, not blinking to make sure he knows that I am honest, that I don't lie. He sighs and it's a heavy sound. Then he nods and some of the tension leaves my shoulders.

"Why didn't you write me or told Eric that something isn't alright with you?" He continues and I bite my lip again, averting my eyes to the window for a moment before looking back at Max. I don't want to tell him that I tried to erase my dependence, my feelings for Eric. It would heighten the possibility for Eric finding out about it and he wouldn't look at me ever again. After finally realizing what I feel for him I don't want him to go. Never. So I will try to go with half of the truth, with the second, smaller reason and hope it will be enough. My cheeks color lightly and I need to take a few calming breaths before I can speak up.

"Eric would have known right from the first sentence that something is off with me", My voice is low and though it's only a simple part of the truth I feel ashamed admitting it so openly, "that I am ...was sad and troubled. I didn't want you to think I am weak. That I can't handle it. I am Dauntless." I look down again to my hands, burning eyes and painful headache. Max sighs again and stands up, hands braced against the surface of his desk and leans in my direction.

"You aren't weak. And no-one, least of all Eric or me would ever think that." His voice is deep and calm and so honest that I feel my eyes prickle, making me bite my lip again to stop myself from crying. I look up to meet Max concerned eyes.

"I... feel good now. As soon as I left I was stable again and I already realized that my behavior was self-destructive. Lizz helped me with that. And I think it was a good experience. It ... it helped me to understand something about myself." Max nods, hands now clasped in front of him. I sit up straighter and smile slightly.

"I am glad to hear that, but I would like for you to speak with one of the doctors. Maybe he could give you something when you feel it's too much." I frown slightly. I don't want to take pills; I want to do this on my own. Max seems to sense my reaction and speaks up before I can.

"You can still look for your own way to figure things out, it's just a precaution and you don't take them daily. Look at it like it's a painkiller. You take them if you need them but not every day, maybe not even weekly or in months." I nod slowly, accepting his explanation and sigh exhausted. Max looks at me closely for a moment before he speaks up again.

"You have a fever again." He points out and I nod.

"I just wanted to finish the plan for your meeting and speak with you again. Then I planned to go to my apartment." Max nods, brows furrowed lightly. He speaks up again, his tone light and I feel some of the tension leave my shoulders.

"Ok, to let you get your rest soon, lets finish this up. On the matter of your evaluation from Lizz: Except the things about your mental state, she was full of praise for you. Hard-working, dedicated, intelligent, quick grasps of the subjects, good with computers. And she wrote that though too much, your training schedule and work ethic were remarkable. I am very proud of you, Tris." I smile slightly, taken aback at Lizz' report.

"But I want to also point out that I will keep a close eye on you now. And naturally Eric will help me with that." The tension that was gone a moment ago is now back full force.

"Don't." Is all I can say and I bite my lip. Max furrows his eyebrows and I swallow thickly, square my shoulders.

"Don't tell Eric about anything we discussed here. I don't want him to know about this and we both know that I can deal with it without him." Max stays silent, concentrates on my face and posture. He maybe wants to gauge my seriousness and ability to deal with everything on my own. I let my eyes stay hard; meet his in a challenging way. He sighs and nods.

"Alright. I won't disclose this information to anyone else. You have to know your limits and I will lock you up in your flat if I find anything out of the ordinary. And I will tell Eric about it." I nod, placated for the moment and because I feel cold and too exhausted to argue with his decision.

"As for your schedule. You have a meeting with Erudite next week again on Monday. They probably found an explanation for the serum we spoke about the last time. Other than that your next three weeks you will work in the office next to mine. I will give you your tasks every morning and arrange different meetings with people I think can show you a thing or two."

"Three weeks? I thought I was going to the Factionless Guards at the end of November?" I ask, frowning slightly.

"We decided that because you are still sick and another important event is coming up we will delay your arrival there. Also, someone pointed out that you need to be on top physically and mentally to not repeat the events from the Fence." I force myself to smile slightly. I know that this decision is in my best interest but I also am aware that my behavior maybe changed the way Max sees me. Maybe it even changed his expectations and perception of me. I hate to think that he could think of me as weak now, could think of me as fragile just like I know my mental stability is. I don't like Max very much, feel neutral about him mostly, but to think that my boss might think I am not up to standard makes me grit my teeth and scold myself mentally.

"Any questions?" Max asks, eyeing me with questions in his eyes he doesn't ask. I shake my head a bit, stand up and sway lightly. I close my eyes for a moment, tell my body to stay strong for at least a while longer and take a deep breath. I have to suppress a cough.

"Get well soon, Tris." Max says and dismisses me after nodding in my direction in goodbye.

* * *

_As always: Thanks for reading. Review please._


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